ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[Aurantica]

Admittedly, I'll dot hat in a subject line too, because it won't send the fricking message without something in there, and half the time I don't wanna put anything at all

Ah, I didnt know that.
Still, the fact that the sender chose to write something that did not describe the contents of the PM, but was a part of the message itself was funny.

 

[Cleopatra]

Back off, Cleopatra!

Or should I say...alt for NEFERTITI!!!???

A rose by any other name.... Billy...

 

[Cleopatra]

Oh, and the latest:

"I am a big fan of yours...I loved what you did to the Roman Empire...."

At least this one didn't ask about my asp.

 

[Aurantica]

I have something rather dark written on my profile under "occupation" and it seems to attract a lot of attention. Below is the second PM I've recieved about it. Note: I wrote my occupation as a joke. I am not actually involved in any illegal activities.

Him:
So however do you distract them long enough for him to sneak up and clobber them? I certainly hope there is some skin involved to justify the sore head and I'm guessing empty wallet they are left with!

ASSHAT

Me, playing along:
Yes there is quite a bit of skin shown on my part. The most difficult thing is to keep them far enough away so I dont get caugh in the bat's path.
Oh, and the guys are lucky if all they get is an empty wallet and a sore head.

 

[wicked woman]

Not particularly award winning, but interesting attempt to personalize a non-personal spammed PM.

Hey
Saw your reply on one of the posting.
If u ever up for playing online or cam - let me know.

I am always interested!

Male 31 single - just love Lit and playing online.
NSA

 

[FloggingMolly]

Here's one for you. Can someone give this guy grammar lessons? He's definately got the stamina for them

get your panties wet and sit on my face
i would fuckin rip your clothes off give you a quick fiddle thru your knickers! and then lick em and rip them off with my teeth then i would lick your juicy cunt suck your clit while i finger fuck you hard have a quick lick of me fingers get you on the verge of cumming in my face then i would get on top of you and absolutly pummel your cunt into the bed so hard untill i make you cum 1st and then i would cum into you and keep on pumping slowing down untill i stop then id have a good suck of your nipples and make you suck my drippin cock dry! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to lick your soaking wet cunt thru your knickers right now!

I want to devour your pussy and ass hole rub that all over me i wanna taste you !

I want to fuck your cunt and ass in turns , fuck you so hard while i finger your ass then i will get you bouncing up and down on my throbbing cock reverse cow girl.
I want your ass slappin off my balls then you can turn round and just do me straight cowgirl so i can suck your nipples and see your face moaning cause i'm fucking the shit out of you so hard!
then id drag you to the end of the bed and do you standing doggy style so i could really pummel your cunt whilst pulling your hair and slapping your ass and calling you a whore!

then i ll have you suck on my cock i will fuck the shit out of your mouth grab you by the ears and thrust rock hard cock into your mouth
i will make you gag on my cock while you play with your wet cunt and taste yourself and put your finger in my mouth so i can taste your cunt also!

then i ll cum allover your face and tits and you can lick it off and suck my cock clean while i suck your clit and finger your g spot till you cum in my mouth then i ll lick you dry.

then i woild tie your legs together throw them over my head, tie your arms to the bed post , blind fold you and fill you some more with rock hard cock so hard into your cunt that you scream and your pussy is red sore and throbbing then i will cum my hot creamy load up your pussy and then pull out and have you suck my cock clean and dry again you will suck down every bit of cum that leaves my cock!

i wanna bend you over spread your ass cheeks and just lick from your ass to your pussy and rub you through your soaking wet knickers then id take em off and sniff and lick them as you ride my cock!

 

[seela]

I got an asshat PM some time ago. The grammar and spelling were awful, but the gist of it was to ask if I'm up for some cybering. I corrected his grammar and spelling (in red, of course) to the best of my capabilities and sent it back.

I thought my message was clear enough, but apparently not. He sent another poorly constructed PM asking for a "defenetiv anser". When I gave my "defenetiv anser", he wasn't happy with it either and ended up sending several more PMs, in which he described in close detail what a cunt I am.

But that really is the only proper asshat I've run into here. The invisible mode helps a lot.

 

[Aurantica]

I seem to be a magnet for PMs from retards....


hey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hey im a 21 yr old male from texas and i was thinking about how amazing a long hot bath and a massage would be with you....;-)


Really? REALLY?
I'm tempted to fix all the errors and sent it back.

 

[wicked woman]

ah I almost forgot that I got one recently on FL.


ASSHAT:would like to be a part of your world.


My reply: How can that be when you know nothing about me? My profile is empty. My profile pic isn't of me. There's very little in my fetish list

 

[Sir_Winston54]

ah I almost forgot that I got one recently on FL.


ASSHAT:would like to be a part of your world.


My reply: How can that be when you know nothing about me? My profile is empty. My profile pic isn't of me. There's very little in my fetish list

He doesn't feel a part of *anyone's* world, even his own; therefore, he's desperate to become a part of *someone's* world.

 

[wicked woman]

He doesn't feel a part of *anyone's* world, even his own; therefore, he's desperate to become a part of *someone's* world.

Desparate being the key word.

 

[satindesire]

Another yahoo conversation

asshat_savagery: -Whispers into her left ear- Psst, for one who seems to be against sexual roleplay, your choice of images certainly provoke the oppisate of feelings
generic_female_character: Yeah, I get that a lot.
generic_female_character: Men generally seem to feel that just because a woman is beautiful, that means she's loose or promiscuous.
asshat_savagery: Have you roleplayed anywhere else other than Yahoo?
generic_female_character: Unfortunately for them, that's not the case.
generic_female_character: And yes, I've RPed in AOL, which is where I got my RP start, Talkcity, various forums...
asshat_savagery: It isn't the beautiful part, it is how scantily clad they are. Certain poses and lack of dress often invokes such thoughts
asshat_savagery: Or when a half-naked lady is holding a sword. Hehe
generic_female_character: *shrugs* Here's the clicker. Are your interpretation of my photos my responsibility, or yours?
generic_female_character: Just because they invoke certain feelings in you, doesn't make me a liar when I say I find sexual RP boring.
asshat_savagery: And I never called you a liar, I just pointed out the paradox of your choice of imagery, that's all
generic_female_character: If you look at it logically, it's not a paradox in the least.
asshat_savagery: As for me, I have been roleplaying for 12 years, on and off much like yourself and I nearly roleplay everything. Is sexual roleplay boring? Only with the same partner
asshat_savagery: And please, roleplay is anything but logical, and thus no logic thought is ever given
generic_female_character: Look, you're sitting here trying to convince me that I want to ERP.
asshat_savagery: But perhaps you have found everything you need to for your turn ons, turn offs, visions and fantasies. Other's are still processing that
asshat_savagery: No not at all
generic_female_character: Then what's the point of your IM?
asshat_savagery: To have some company, as brief as it may be.
generic_female_character: Did you not stop to consider that your choice of opening subject would be considered abrasive?
generic_female_character: I find it offensive that you're telling me that my pictures imply that I'm a liar when I say I don't like sexual RP.
asshat_savagery: This is yahoo, I lost my respect for most of the people in this place due to their inconsideration with everything. People want you to wait on them
asshat_savagery: And I never said you lied
generic_female_character: Not directly, but indirectly you certainly did.
asshat_savagery: But indirectly
asshat_savagery: No, I was pointing out that due to your images, you will find more males that want erp than those that don't
generic_female_character: With no pictures, most males that IMed me wanted ERP.
generic_female_character: That's a given with males period, pictures or no.
asshat_savagery: Females don't need to message people, they just sit there and wait
generic_female_character: What's your point?
asshat_savagery: Don't have one
generic_female_character: I see.
asshat_savagery: I find it quite unfortunate however that people that have roleplayed for a certain amount of time come to gather an elitist type attitude in believing that they are good at something that has no credentials in this world we live in. And that they often have no time for those who have only just started, as if they were never knew to such an experience themselves.
asshat_savagery: As for me, I don't roleplay. This IM is a few weeks, maybe a month old and I have only added one person to messenger, and that was because of discussion. Not because of erp. Porno is more exciting if I wanted to stroke one off
asshat_savagery: Anyway farewell fair lady, I bid you good luck with your hunt for something that is now very archaic, a fossil of roleplay you will rarely find from the days like they were.
generic_female_character: So what you're saying is this: I wanted to RP with you because your pictures gave me a woody, but my opening pick up line totally failed and so I'm going to try and cover the obvious stench of flop sweat with a blaise-faire attitude that is about as transparent as window glass, claiming that I don't in fact, RP, and find you to be an elitist bitch that is most likely a virgin, and then leave because I have nothing of value to say.
generic_female_character: Okay, cool. Run with that.
generic_female_character: Have a good one.
asshat_savagery: Hehe, you are absolutely completely right in every sense of every word.
asshat_savagery: No, like I said, company, and the only thing that spoke words to me in your profile was multi-para
generic_female_character: If you really wanted just conversation that wasn't combative, opening with accusing someone of lying isn't a good look.
generic_female_character: Just a head's up there
asshat_savagery: I never implied that
generic_female_character: Yeah. Yeah, you did.
asshat_savagery: Women a, always bloody twisting your words
asshat_savagery: And I told you what I was implying
asshat_savagery: So get your head out of your ass
generic_female_character: You're free to leave anytime, but you obviously are getting some kind of weird entertainment out of this extremely ridiculous conversation. And I'm intensely curious why you'd want to talk to someone you find so offensive.
asshat_savagery: o.o
asshat_savagery: Because I can
generic_female_character: I see.
generic_female_character: Well, we see how good that logic circut has been working.
asshat_savagery: If I wanted erp, I would of said so
generic_female_character: But you don't RP, remember?
asshat_savagery: Exactly
generic_female_character: Okay, great! We're on the same page, finally.
asshatsavagery: -Pushes her off of his page- Never
generic_female_character: Well, I'm going now.
generic_female_character: Goodbye.

 

[satindesire]

Not an Asshat, just a Dumbass.

denseguy15: hi
Female Characters: Morning. Are you currently looking for RP?
denseguy15: yes i am
denseguy15: what do you have on mind?
Female Characters: My interests are varied, although I find sexual RP to be repetitive and boring. As long as the plot is interesting and deep and doesn't revolve around screwing, I'm pretty flexible. Are you looking for serious RP or sexual RP?
denseguy15: not just around the sexual part but how we get to it
Female Characters: Pardon me?
Female Characters: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you.
denseguy15: i mean yes i am looking for sexual rp
Female Characters: Ah.
Female Characters: Well, thank you for your interest, but I'm just not the droid you're looking for.
denseguy15: huh
Female Characters: It's....it's a Star Wars joke...
Female Characters: Nevermind.


*facepalm!*

 

[midwestyankee]

denseguy15: hi
Female Characters: Morning. Are you currently looking for RP?
denseguy15: yes i am
denseguy15: what do you have on mind?
Female Characters: My interests are varied, although I find sexual RP to be repetitive and boring. As long as the plot is interesting and deep and doesn't revolve around screwing, I'm pretty flexible. Are you looking for serious RP or sexual RP?
denseguy15: not just around the sexual part but how we get to it
Female Characters: Pardon me?
Female Characters: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you.
denseguy15: i mean yes i am looking for sexual rp
Female Characters: Ah.
Female Characters: Well, thank you for your interest, but I'm just not the droid you're looking for.
denseguy15: huh
Female Characters: It's....it's a Star Wars joke...
Female Characters: Nevermind.


*facepalm!*

Wouldn't it be less work and considerably less aggravating to watch old Seinfeld reruns instead? Of course, I have no personal knowledge of asshattery from either side of the equation. I've never received an asshat PM nor engaged in chat with an asshat, at least from a certain point of view.

 

[RandallKinds]

Here's one for you. Can someone give this guy grammar lessons? He's definately got the stamina for them

Sounds like a cuddler.

 

[DepravedMama]

I woke up to find this delightful little PM awaiting my attention this morning. How very lovely!

***************
This made me laugh. This is case in point that you have no fucking clue what you are talking about. Your posits are all wrong. I guess I shouldn't expect much from a fat, ugly retard who posts on this forum. I am sure glad I am not in your sad situation.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I woke up to find this delightful little PM awaiting my attention this morning. How very lovely!

***************
This made me laugh. This is case in point that you have no fucking clue what you are talking about. Your posits are all wrong. I guess I shouldn't expect much from a fat, ugly retard who posts on this forum. I am sure glad I am not in your sad situation.

What kind of loser needs to PM that kind of bullshit in the middle of the night?

 

[DepravedMama]

Some misogynistic little twat with a posting history of zero. LOL! I responded with a very tame 'Jog on, little boy, jog on'.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

This guy must copy the exact same message, I think its the 4th one I have received and it never changes:

Hi, its a pleasure to meet you. I did have a question I was curious to ask but I must confess it is a deliciously naughty one xxx

 

[roflawl]

T_T I am scared to go back and read because I may have an asshat award.....

I was told that you guys do this to people who come off weird or annoying in PMs. My greetings and messages are not weird... and I do not copy/paste, but the often say the same thing.

I am 24/m (some say I am 23... cuz I keep thinking I am 23 XD idk why?) And I explain I am a long time story read, but a newbie when it comes to the forum and such. I just got dumped for no reason after 3 years and am not looking for a relationship, just a good time. Funny interesting chat, naughty flirting, some RP =) just some fun =)

A few have messaged me back, even yahoo chatted with me =D just hope I have.'t come off as creepy or anything =P

And I try to not send 'hello' pms to the same person twice, if I have, it was on accident and I appologize =)

 

[Aurantica]

I got his ages ago, but its still damn funny. This guy sent me a one-line message and when I replied he delved straight into a sexual RP. Here's the last little bit of our conversation. As I recall, I had done something or orther to fight back before getting this.
Asshat :
and how can you take out the mace if you drop your bag and get your wrists cuffed behind your back

Me:
See my "occupation" in my profile?


Does that answer your question?

Asshat:
but since you outspoken situation the others got taken before they even knew what hit them


*sigh*
What is wrong with some people?

 

[FloggingMolly]

roflawl: I'm surprised it's worked tbh. I think you'll find getting involved in threads and making friends by chatting will get more results than randomly PMing, but that's just my two cents.

 

[Chiara_searches]

His PM:

Subject Line: Do you enjoy.

Watching a man masturbate on cam?

That's the entire message.

My response:

Does this line really work? I mean such thought went into it. Did you even take any time to look at my profile? Since I indicate being of an analytical mind, it would seem clear that I'm on Lit to be more than simple wank fodder for someone. I understand your sole interest here might be sex; but please don't presume that is everyone else's sole interest. Some of us are here to learn and how much can one really learn from watching someone jerk off?

I so wish I had a witty response that I could have sent back. But my witty chip is broken today for some reason.

The sad part is he's been a part of Lit for a long while...and one would hope he knows better by now.

 

[BiBunny]

His PM:




That's the entire message.

My response:



I so wish I had a witty response that I could have sent back. But my witty chip is broken today for some reason.

The sad part is he's been a part of Lit for a long while...and one would hope he knows better by now.

My response totally would've been "How much money do you have?"

 

[Kikori]

asshat_savagery: -Whispers into her left ear- Psst, for one who seems to be against sexual roleplay, your choice of images certainly provoke the oppisate of feelings
generic_female_character: Yeah, I get that a lot.
<snip>

I know it's a page old, but I've seriously gotta give this guy credit for his level of intelligence by comparison to nearly every asshat featured on this topic.