ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[Babyslave]

I got a good one today over PM here!

"Has your Master made you lactate?"

That's all it said. I laughed and put the nut on ignore.

LMAO!

 

[Vixandra]

Was cleaning up dead links on my site and came across one that was not actually dead, but had moved. Fits this thread perfectly:
http://www.shanmonster.com/icqvert/index.html

Oh, I needed that. Thank you for sharing that, Etoile!

 

[Aurantica]

Out of the blue....
Re: Confession

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Asshat:

I'm all fucked uo

Me:
Good for you. And you chose to enlighten me with this choice bit of wisdom because?

Asshat:
I'm fucked up...who knows why!

Me:
I would assume you to have at least the vaugest idea...
Perhaps you should contact a therapist to talk over your issues rather than PMing random people on a forum.

Asshat:
Ah good idea...got a number?

Me: No.


WTF?

 

[Etoile]

Awwww man, I was leading on this bozo on Facebook, and had just pronounced him a serial killer who murdered his wife. So I immediately blocked him but that erased our message history. I assure you it was funny, especially where I didn't want to move anywhere dangerous like Chicago or Baghdad.

 

[Anita89]

No contact had been made previously between me and this person. I've never even seen him in forums.



Him: I can't control what this message turns into, but it's meant as a greeting and a compliment. I wish I could speak with you. I have no idea how this will turn out. Be wary.

WTF? What the hell? I think you need to go back to vh1 and watch 'The Pickup Artist' again.

 

[satindesire]

No contact had been made previously between me and this person. I've never even seen him in forums.



Him: I can't control what this message turns into, but it's meant as a greeting and a compliment. I wish I could speak with you. I have no idea how this will turn out. Be wary.

WTF? What the hell? I think you need to go back to vh1 and watch 'The Pickup Artist' again.

He can control what the message turns into. He's typing it, it's not like he's sitting by passively while someone else types it.

 

[LilyPru]

My favorite PM exchange ever went like this:

Him: [Three paragraphs about the very graphic things he wanted to do to my cock]

Me: I'm a girl.

Him: Thats cool I'm bi.



Sooo... we've started dating! Swoon...

 

[Aurantica]

Again, a cold PM.
...roleplay ideas

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Hi...My name is Asshat Mc. Ass....I am a ( way too old) year old male from ( a place )I have some roleplay ideas and I was thinking perhaps you may be interested...


Scene 1 - You would be a massage therapist that runs a private practice. It is a legitimate business run from your house. I come in for an appointment and as my appointment continue, our relationship becomes intimate....

Scene 2 - You are a psychiatrist with a well established practice. Again you could be a prudish uptight woman or a more vixen type. I am a client to comes to see you for the first time. I have been sent by Human Resources where I work.

Scene 3 - You would be my daughter's college roommate. I am in the area on a business trip. I realize that I am close to the apartment, so I decide to "pop in".....

Scene 4 - I am a burglar who robs your house. In the process of robbing your house I am able to hack into your on-line blog. I start to read your blog, become enamored with you, follow you around and eventually meet you............

Any of those ideas interest you?


Seriously, dude? SERIOUSLY?
Ladies: what should I send him back?

 

[midwestyankee]

Again, a cold PM.
...roleplay ideas

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Hi...My name is Asshat Mc. Ass....I am a ( way too old) year old male from ( a place )I have some roleplay ideas and I was thinking perhaps you may be interested...


Scene 1 - You would be a massage therapist that runs a private practice. It is a legitimate business run from your house. I come in for an appointment and as my appointment continue, our relationship becomes intimate....

Scene 2 - You are a psychiatrist with a well established practice. Again you could be a prudish uptight woman or a more vixen type. I am a client to comes to see you for the first time. I have been sent by Human Resources where I work.

Scene 3 - You would be my daughter's college roommate. I am in the area on a business trip. I realize that I am close to the apartment, so I decide to "pop in".....

Scene 4 - I am a burglar who robs your house. In the process of robbing your house I am able to hack into your on-line blog. I start to read your blog, become enamored with you, follow you around and eventually meet you............

Any of those ideas interest you?


Seriously, dude? SERIOUSLY?
Ladies: what should I send him back?

At least he thinks you have multiple skills and professional possibilities.

 

[Aurantica]

At least he thinks you have multiple skills and professional possibilities.

A person who gets paid to touch people, a shrink , a stereotype known for being pretty and dumb, or an idiot with an easy-to-guess password....
Real freaking flattering.

 

[midwestyankee]

A person who gets paid to touch people, a shrink , a stereotype known for being pretty and dumb, or an idiot with an easy-to-guess password....
Real freaking flattering.

I missed the last two, in fact. The first two seemed to have possibilities. That said, the messages did seem to be far more about him than you. Ass hat title was well deserved.

 

[Philotes]

Was cleaning up dead links on my site and came across one that was not actually dead, but had moved. Fits this thread perfectly:
http://www.shanmonster.com/icqvert/index.html

Etoile, thank you so much for sharing that link!

I laughed until I cried.

 

[Anita89]

out of the blue as well

Asshat: I'm your DOM M 28 on yahoo .... fingsno IM me in 60s or else mySubby.
My reply: Did you just try to force collar me over the net? Roflamo


* note I did edit his yahoo name

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Again, a cold PM.
...roleplay ideas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi...My name is Asshat Mc. Ass....I am a ( way too old) year old male from ( a place )I have some roleplay ideas and I was thinking perhaps you may be interested...


Scene 1 - You would be a massage therapist that runs a private practice. It is a legitimate business run from your house. I come in for an appointment and as my appointment continue, our relationship becomes intimate....

Scene 2 - You are a psychiatrist with a well established practice. Again you could be a prudish uptight woman or a more vixen type. I am a client to comes to see you for the first time. I have been sent by Human Resources where I work.

Scene 3 - You would be my daughter's college roommate. I am in the area on a business trip. I realize that I am close to the apartment, so I decide to "pop in".....

Scene 4 - I am a burglar who robs your house. In the process of robbing your house I am able to hack into your on-line blog. I start to read your blog, become enamored with you, follow you around and eventually meet you............

Any of those ideas interest you?


Seriously, dude? SERIOUSLY?
Ladies: what should I send him back?

So, in 2011, burglars take time out to power up your puter and hack your blog instead of yanking the cord from the wall and tucking it under their arm before legging it?

Talk about good time management skills!

 

[Aurantica]

So, in 2011, burglars take time out to power up your puter and hack your blog instead of yanking the cord from the wall and tucking it under their arm before legging it?

Talk about good time management skills!

Ah, the future..... Where trained health professionals have no moral code whatsoever.
And college girls are dumb enough to believe that the man who just came into her apartment is her roommate's father simply because he says so.

 

[BlackManFux]

Hmm...hilarious thread. I think I'll subscribe. "*click**

 

[MsChele]

I was pretty impressed by the dude who read my post about D/s being dragged into divorce and wanted to know if I wanted to experiment with the fun sort of domestic violence. Um...I'm sorry, whaaaa..... No thank you.

 

[Aurantica]

Here we go again....

Asshat:
Many
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is a word that always keeps you guessing.


*There will be egg all over my face if your location isn't a Zeppelin reference.( its not)

Me:
Go wash the egg off your face then. Try and see if you can wash the stupid out too.

Asshat:
Hmmm, didn't work. Must've bought the same brand as you.

Me:
Somehow, I doubt that.

Asshat:
Over your head like a lead balloon... or zeppelin.

Me:
I know the perfect place for you

Asshat:
I'm still laughing you were so insulted by my first PM.

Me: Sweetheart, I understand that you have a few problems with social skills, so here's a handy little hint to remember: Don't call a girl stupid.

 

[BlackManFux]

Here we go again....

Asshat:
Many
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is a word that always keeps you guessing.


*There will be egg all over my face if your location isn't a Zeppelin reference.( its not)

Me:
Go wash the egg off your face then. Try and see if you can wash the stupid out too.

Asshat:
Hmmm, didn't work. Must've bought the same brand as you.

Me:
Somehow, I doubt that.

Asshat:
Over your head like a lead balloon... or zeppelin.

Me:
I know the perfect place for you

Asshat:
I'm still laughing you were so insulted by my first PM.

Me: Sweetheart, I understand that you have a few problems with social skills, so here's a handy little hint to remember: Don't call a girl stupid.

Seriously? This is some funny shit! Men can be so ill.

 

[Cinner]

My PM box has been full for about 10 of the 12 months that I've been here, but I wasn't quick enough to escape the notice of ASSHAT who wanted to know if he could sit under my desk and suck my naughty p...y while I chatted with my other Lit friends... or wasn't I that kind of girl?

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Lovely good morning PM

You have a nice ass, it woke my cock up, wanna see?

 

[BiBunny]

Ok, I don't normally bother responding to the asshats, but this one was priceless. It's a message I got on OkCupid. I took a screenshot and doctored it up a little for everyone's amusement.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Ugh. Why do they always act like you're the crazy person for having an actual vocabulary? No, idiot. You are illiterate.

 

[satindesire]

On Fetlife

misspelledfightingfetish: 1 day ago

would be fun to fight for
and then fuck


satindesire: 1 day ago

Did you bother reading my profile at all or are you just messaging random women to share your masturbatory fantasies with them regardless of whether or not they consent to see them?

misspelledfightingfetish: 1 day ago

Yes and u didn't friend u and I am not a predator but I will wish u well

satindesire: 1 day ago

No, I didn't friend me, as far as I know on this site you can't add yourself to your own friends list.

That's perfectly fine to wish me well, but I don't like being harassed. It's incredibly offensive that you consider basically coming up to me, a complete stranger, and saying that I would be "fun to fuck" as a nice way of introducing yourself.

You are six years older than me, and I am not particularly young anymore. The fact that you have no sense of manners AT YOUR AGE is terrifying for the prospect of the future. You say in your profile that you are into martial arts, which I assumed meant you had maturity and discipline. You display none of those traits.

Please do us both a favor and think about what you say before you type it out. This is a social networking site, and being social in a polite sense shouldn't be beyond you when you're over 30 years old.

**************************************************

DonAsshat: 20 minutes ago

Like your profile and pics. Are you really a squirter? I ask because it seem like only the heavy girls can squirt. You are far from that...

satindesire: 16 minutes ago

Are you really 43 years old? I'm curious, is that your real age?

DonAsshat: 14 minutes ago

Yes

satindesire: 12 minutes ago

Have you ever met and talked to people outside of the internet? Like, you know, at a grocery store, or at a family function? Ever done anything outside of the house at your job where you had to talk to people in person face-to-face?

DonAsshat: 8 minutes ago

Yea. Would love to meet you but you in Ok and I'm in CA...

DonAsshat: 5 minutes ago

I love your eyes, are you part native american?

satindesire: 4 minutes ago

I'm not offering to meet you. Don't assume that.

Why I'm asking you that is the fact that at your age, and the fact that you HAVE, in fact, been exposed to the outside world other than the internet, you should know better than to meet a stranger and ask them offensive questions.

You know how to introduce yourself politely. You know how to interact with respect with strangers. And I am that to you, a stranger.

If you aren't going to bother using manners that you should know at your age, then why should I bother talking to you at all?

You are not worth my time, my patience, or my respect if you cannot treat me as a human being rather than a vehicle for your masturbatory fantasies. It's it none of your damn business if I squirt or not, that is for my husband to know, not a stranger on the internet with no idea how to act when introducing himself.

Please do us both a favor and grow up. And since I'm pretty much young enough to be your daughter, me telling YOU to grow up and use manners that your poor mother would be aghast at you not using is sad and pathetic.

DonAsshat: 2 minutes ago | new

What ever... I was reading your profile and you have squiring listed as a fetish. You are in the wrong group if your looking to chat about things other than sex. So have a nice fucking day!

Satindesire: 1 minutes ago | new

Yes, it is listed as a fetish. What does that have to do with anything? You would have much better luck being a polite and respectful person and introducing yourself in a manner befitting a man of your age instead of treating me like a prostitute. I am not here to talk to you about sex, I am here to learn and share.

I am not part of a group that is all about sex and nothing else, and you are a moron to assume so. Ask A Female Questions is not Ask A Female Rude Offensive Questions About Their Bodily Functions.

I will have a nice fucking day, fucking my beautiful fucking husband. And you will not have a nice fucking day, because you are not my beautiful fucking husband and you will NOT be fucking me.

Fucker.

(He blocked me after that, because he has teh butthurted.)

 

[chaoticDeviance]

Ok, I don't normally bother responding to the asshats, but this one was priceless. It's a message I got on OkCupid. I took a screenshot and doctored it up a little for everyone's amusement.

I am sorry, but he was a real keeper. You are totally loosing out here.