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ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

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Ah fuck it. He's stopped responding.

Asshat:sorry to break your heart!!
Me: Pfffft!
I have no heart.
Asshat: oh what a freakin lie... you have a vagina, you have a heart!
I looked in my bathtub and no naked girl there.. whatthehayall? thats false advertising..
Me: You need to go back to high school if you think a vagina and a heart do the same thing.
And just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. Just look at your cock for proof of that
Asshat: high school? hell, i was in and out of that before your funky ass was even born.
I was being facetious...google it.
Lol at the cock swipe, I got a giggle out of that.
If it was in your mouth, pussy or ass...you wouldn't question it's existence.. you'd be gagging, begging for me to pound you or screaming.
Me: Sweetie, if your cock was in my mouth, it’s you who would be screaming.
If it was in my pussy you'd be gagging because I punched a few teeth down your throat.
And if it was in my ass you'd be questioning your existence.[/quote]
Asshat: sweetie...I LOVE pet names!! You wanna be darlin? cupcake? psycho?
Me: I think psycho would be a fitting name for you.
Good choice!
Asshat: no no no...you gotta think up your own wisecracks, no using mine!
ever go to anger management?
put your pad on upside down today? Bitch tearing it off, huh?
I bench 360 and leg press over 900.. Certainly you don't think you're any match for me. If you're planning an act of violence on me...make sure I'm sleeping and unable to arise.
I think you'd love the fuck in the ass...seems you could really use one.
Me: Sounds like someone knows from experience
Asshat: no, I make up my own jokes and have no need to rely on someone elses..
or are you talking about the pad thingy??? in that case...my thoughts are these.. a fresh tampoon will offer comfort and a new perspective on those heavy flow days.
perhaps yours is ready for changing?
you skip a lot of my points...should I write slower? or use simpler English? Or are you a foreigner and English is not your first language? Help a brutha out!!
Me: Nah, I think I'm going to leave you to flounder.[/quote]
Asshat: you already knew this...but I have no problem getting attention.. from people I actually like and are not assholes even!!
I thought you were gonna be more entertaining anyways...you started out good. I guess that was your wad, and not much to it.
If you wanna fuck with me...bring your A game.. or actually, bring someone elses
Me: I know you have no problem getting attention. Too bad it’s never the good kind!
Asshat: do you always talk out your ass?
Me: Meh.
Asshat: What happened? Just five minutes ago you were gonna whup me.. I was actually rather amused and impressed.
Are guys typically intimidated by you? Just curious.
Me: Meh.
 
Hi, I'm holding an online survey. Can you please describe in detail just how wicked you are, and in what area your wickedness lies?


Really? He's doing an online survey asking everyone that? Got nothing to do with my Lit name? Or wank fodder? He honestly thinks I'm going to spend my time describing in detail how wicked I am for him? Nope...he hasn't earned that pleasure.
 
I got this lovely single sentence, completely contextless PM from a gentleman today, apparently from the GLBT boards:

"i could lick your cock while you fingered my ass...."

Really? Really? You've never so much as exchanged a word with me before, and this is how you open? I mean, I know I'm a bit of a slut, and I know I'm incredibly handsome and all that, but I also liked to be wooed a little first!

Though to his credit he did stop replying once I told him I wasn't interested. Though not before trying to get my wife involved too :rolleyes:
 
"If you really are a submissive woman.. then u will love me as your master.. believe me.. there will be pleasure and pain.. if u can handle it..."

Really?
 
Kurokami said:
It's the sudden switch from "you," to "u" that really shows he's a keeper!
Click to expand...

I might have to be on my worst behaviour to show that I am not a keeper.

DeepGreenEyes said:
d only way 2 prove ur inclin8ons is 2 bend ovr, sub b n let d pain bgin b4 its 2 l8.



That's the "pain" part, dammit!
Click to expand...

Wow...be still my beating heart. I have always wanted to be given a puzzle like that muddled sentance to work out to show my submissiveness. I wonder if the prize would be pleasure or pain?

Actually are you sure that you are not 18?
 
DeepGreenEyes said:
d only way 2 prove ur inclin8ons is 2 bend ovr, sub b n let d pain bgin b4 its 2 l8.
Click to expand...

Is it possible for a sentence to cause an aneurysm? Because I definitely think I'm bleeding internally from reading that.

So I guess that's a good job, DGE :D
 
asshat: So what are you up to today?
me: making costumes
asshat: That sounds fun, you wear a corset?
me: often
asshat: I like to see that! lol
was that too much?​
me:no, just walking in the door is all
asshat: I love women in corsets
me: I love wearing them. lol
asshat:If it is not too much to ask, what is your breast size?
me: large. lol
asshat: I can't know the size of them?
me: Why do you need to?
asshat: just asking is all, no to sound typical I love breast and I like knowing heir different sizes is all
me: lol
asshat: So can I know?
me: no
asshat: Okay I will found out later for myself!
me: haa gotta respect confidence
asshat: to much?
me: meh
asshat: I have a lot of it! What was the meh for?
me: if you really bother me I would say so
asshat: I hope you will! I will find out for myself
Can I?​
me: not interested so far
asshat: not interested in me?
What am I doing wrong?​
me: just not sparking
asshat: You haven't even met me yet and you haven't asked anything about me.
So you done with me?​
me: don't know what to say to that. you asked and I answered as honestly as I can
asshat: Do you wanna know anything about me?
me: it strikes me to ask what you're interested in here
asshat: whatever just looking for some attention is all
me: lol fair enough so
asshat: so what?
me: sorry, Irish slang peaking out. fair enough then
asshat: So you wanna give me a chance or no?
me: I just don't feel it, sorry
asshat: I didn't even get a chance to have phone sex with you!
me:lol
asshat: not into that?
me: not with strangers
asshat: I'm really good at it
me: that's nice, but I can masturbate all by myself
asshat: it's more fun when you have it with some one
me: meh
asshat: I can make you cum!
me: that's not hard to do
asshat: I would love to hear your voice and hear you cum
can I please?​
me: um...no

.....

Seriously? and this conversation all started with me saying, I'm not interested :rolleyes:
 
Asshat: Wat toys u got?
Me: Legos
Asshat: Wats that spreeder bar?
Me: Well I'm sure you could build one with them.
Asshat: u make ur toys?
Me: Building blocks
Asshate: Huh?
Me: You know, building blocks, life is full of them.
Asshat: Huh?
Me: Well that and stumbling blocks
Asshat: Ur to stupit
Me: Umm, yeah. :rolleyes:
 
redslady said:
Asshat: Wat toys u got?
Me: Legos
Asshat: Wats that spreeder bar?
Me: Well I'm sure you could build one with them.
Asshat: u make ur toys?
Me: Building blocks
Asshate: Huh?
Me: You know, building blocks, life is full of them.
Asshat: Huh?
Me: Well that and stumbling blocks
Asshat: Ur to stupit
Me: Umm, yeah. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I have a sudden desire to build a spreader bar and some handcuffs out of lego...
 
redslady said:
Asshat: Wat toys u got?
Me: Legos
Asshat: Wats that spreeder bar?
Me: Well I'm sure you could build one with them.
Asshat: u make ur toys?
Me: Building blocks
Asshate: Huh?
Me: You know, building blocks, life is full of them.
Asshat: Huh?
Me: Well that and stumbling blocks
Asshat: Ur to stupit
Me: Umm, yeah. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA*gasp choke!*
 
Kurokami said:
I got this lovely single sentence, completely contextless PM from a gentleman today, apparently from the GLBT boards:

"i could lick your cock while you fingered my ass...."

Really? Really? You've never so much as exchanged a word with me before, and this is how you open? I mean, I know I'm a bit of a slut, and I know I'm incredibly handsome and all that, but I also liked to be wooed a little first!

Though to his credit he did stop replying once I told him I wasn't interested. Though not before trying to get my wife involved too :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

What? No flowers? Sheesh... very presumptuous.
 
Kurokami said:
Made me laugh, because it put me in mind of a seven year old trying to cover up a gap in his knowledge with sheer bluff. Just... really inexpertly. Great stuff :D
Click to expand...

I think I would have liked to reply with something like: "I bet you don't even know how to cook a shibari!"
 
satindesire said:
I'd honestly rather choke on one than STEP on one.
Click to expand...

Probably best to avoid both.

Do they even teach kids safe lego play? The importance of risk-aware, consensual lego? My lego may not be your lego, but your lego is okay? Personal responsibility, informed consensual lego?

Lego isn't for everyone, let's face it. It's a lifestyle, a responsibility and a commitment.
 
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