ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[Red Sonja]

I'm so confused... I thought perhaps having been away from the site for a while and demonstrating that I am clearly married that ass-hattery had come to an end for me, but such is not the case.
______________
hello sonja...are you a secret subslave whore? a "good' girl with a whore alter ego that likes to play..let's get acquainted..i'm experienced in all aspects of bdsm, humiliation, degradation and defilement..public play..taboo such as family and beast..i love depravity and you can tell me anything..we can share secrets and perverted desires..have some fun and talk dirty.. you are married?..kids?? do they know anything?..hope to hear from you..and yes, i'm serious..and if we click i'm open to commitment..but if not, i'd be proiud to be your secret friend..phone, yahoo, msn, skype..
_____________

Guess who isn't getting a reply!! And um... kids?? know anything?? Sure, most kids are really excited to think about what Mom and Dad get up to when they take a "nap". Gah....

 

[Etoile]

So wait, if you DON'T click, he wants to be a secret friend?!

 

[Stella_Omega]

So wait, if you DON'T click, he wants to be a secret friend?!

If you don't click he wants to get laid anyway.

 

[Red Sonja]

If you don't click he wants to get laid anyway.

Bingo...

 

[Red Sonja]

So wait, if you DON'T click, he wants to be a secret friend?!

I'm so not clicking...

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm so confused...
______________
hello sonja...are you a secret subslave whore? a "good' girl with a whore alter ego that likes to play..let's get acquainted..i'm experienced in all aspects of bdsm, humiliation, degradation and defilement..public play..taboo such as family and beast..i love depravity and you can tell me anything..we can share secrets and perverted desires..have some fun and talk dirty.. you are married?..kids?? do they know anything?..hope to hear from you..and yes, i'm serious..and if we click i'm open to commitment..but if not, i'd be proiud to be your secret friend..phone, yahoo, msn, skype..
_____________

I'm confused too. How can someone who so highly prizes ellipses use them incorrectly every time?

 

[satindesire]

Can someone please tell me what a subslave is? I see HNG's use this term all the time, and I've always thought there's a pretty clear line between submissive and slave. Is subslave like...some new evolution of the slave? Do you need to buy a Master stone to get your slave to evolve?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Can someone please tell me what a subslave is? I see HNG's use this term all the time, and I've always thought there's a pretty clear line between submissive and slave. Is subslave like...some new evolution of the slave? Do you need to buy a Master stone to get your slave to evolve?

Subslave.

Subslave.

It's like the always popular cakepie. It's really pretty stupid, but it's so delicious on the tongue.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So wait, if you DON'T click, he wants to be a secret friend?!

If you don't click he wants to get laid anyway.

Bingo...

I'm so not clicking...

I think what he was *trying* to say was, "If we click (have chemistry and feel we can develop a physical real-life relationship), I'm open to commitment. If we don't have the physical relationship type of chemistry, or other circumstances prevent us from committing to one another, but we're both still horny, we could be 'secret' friends and have a cyber-affair."

Along with his ellipsis fail, he also earns a clarity fail, a grammar fail, a basic knowledge of BDSM fail, and a social facility fail. Fucker's going to be held back a grade.

He *does* get a minimally passing grade in fantasy/dreamworks.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Can someone please tell me what a subslave is? I see HNG's use this term all the time, and I've always thought there's a pretty clear line between submissive and slave. Is subslave like...some new evolution of the slave? Do you need to buy a Master stone to get your slave to evolve?

Or maybe it's a new evolution of the sub. Some slaves see themselves as being a step above (below? Now I'm confusing myself... better?) submissives, because they give up all power. Some subs see themselves as being a step better than slaves, because they have power to negotiate and to set limits. Or maybe the HNGs are just idiots.



Yeah, I think that's it.

 

[satindesire]

Subslave.

Subslave.

It's like the always popular cakepie. It's really pretty stupid, but it's so delicious on the tongue.

I googled cakepie.

Now I'm going to make one. *sage nod*

Or maybe it's a new evolution of the sub. Some slaves see themselves as being a step above (below? Now I'm confusing myself... better?) submissives, because they give up all power. Some subs see themselves as being a step better than slaves, because they have power to negotiate and to set limits. Or maybe the HNGs are just idiots.



Yeah, I think that's it.

I lol'ed! IRL! How often do people REALLY lol when they SAY lol?!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I lol'ed! IRL! How often do people REALLY lol when they SAY lol?!

Happy I could amuse you.

 

[marieR19]

*bump*

Not an asshat, really, just... okay, I know this is basically a porn-with-words site, but...

"mm i bet you are so hot
and taste good to"

Seriously? That's it? Just... these people don't even make an effort anymore, goodness.

 

[Aurantica]

Hi how are you love

First off, don't call me love. It may be a common term of endearment but its not one I use on people I haven't met.

In answer to your question : Normal

Its not it's a simple term. But Cunt seems more accurate

You're implying that I should be ashamed of being a woman.
How novel.

 

[knot_sweet]

I thank goodness for noob post count, invisibility mode and a user name that makes people thinkI like to fuck dogs.

I've received one asshat pm since I joined, and by the olympic standard asshattery I've read in this thread, it was decidely junior league.

that's definately worth a joyously jiggling banana.

 

[Stella_Omega]

*bump*

Not an asshat, really, just... okay, I know this is basically a porn-with-words site, but...

"mm i bet you are so hot
and taste good to"

Seriously? That's it? Just... these people don't even make an effort anymore, goodness.

Taste good to what?

 

[thewantonwife]

IL-literotica

I love that despite my wife's signature (we share the account, since we share a life), men are still soliciting her on here.

genericwanker69 - "How are you doing? I would love the chance to email with you, drop me a line. I think we could have some fun "

Want to have some fun with my wife? We've some dishes that need washing and dogs that could use bathing. You want to pay off the phone bill, or the deposit, or do any of the million and one mundane things that need doing? No?!? None of that sounds fun? But you want to show up and poke about her vagina?

What a lucky girl she is to have such a fine specimen of a man like you to PM her !



(wow - well said, but a tad harsh Husband. ily ~tww)

 

[Vendelle]

I know my last Asshat was a
very mild case in comparison to the others on this thread, but I got a new one that I promise is much better (or worse, depending on your view). This happened on Collar Me. I have a message on my profile saying I'm looking for friends only and that I am not looking for a Dom. I have too much going on with my mentor to go looking for one at the moment. So, yes, you will find a little white lie down here, but that particular message was written because my mentor told me to.

So, on to the conversation:

Asshat on 12/15/12 at 12:01 PM:
not looking for a dominant? ,,well maybe a dom should just claim you and take you, like in the middle ages ,,cut out the BS

Me on 12/15/12 at 12:47 PM:
Not now, Junior, mummy's a little busy. Why don't you go and play with the other kids for a while? *gives you a pat on the rump before returning to her conversation with real dominants*

Asshat on 12/15/12 at 2:34 PM:
wow, even if it was the middle ages and you was claimed, after saying that they my just unclaim you ..lol

Me on 12/16/12 at 10:11 PM:
Nah, my Dom likes it when I sass him. Gives him a challenge he can rise to. Subs aren't slaves, after all.

Asshat on 12/17/12 at 9:57 AM:
woudl be just fine if there is punishment afterwards, must keep that slate clean

Me on 12/17/12 at 11:34 AM:
Don't you worry about that, kiddo, it's all taken care of. Now shoo, go on and play and leave me alone.

Asshat on 12/17/12 at 11:40 AM:
i guess maybe some day you will take this lifestyle serious but for now i dont you understand how to do that

I was going to reply, but lo and behold: he blocked me.

 

[Ahlam]

They can be taught!

Without asshattery, would the Literotica soup be as savory?

ASSHAT: mmmmmmmmmmyummmm i wanna taste u !!!
ME: How very nice for you. I'm not into cannibalism, however. Happy hunting!
ASSHAT: hi honey (I'm omitting the unsolicited stats) here mebbe we can be dating ur fine and i love ur name mebbe you make my dreams happen
ME: Thank you for the kind compliments. I recommend the REM cycle for dreams. Now please go away.
ASSHAT: fuck u whore
ME: No thanks. I have standards. I prefer to fuck people who make at least a rudimentary attempt at proper spelling, punctuation, and manners.
ASSHAT: Fuck you, whore. You're welcome.

Brilliant!

 

[BiBunny]

Without asshattery, would the Literotica soup be as savory?

ASSHAT: mmmmmmmmmmyummmm i wanna taste u !!!
ME: How very nice for you. I'm not into cannibalism, however. Happy hunting!
ASSHAT: hi honey (I'm omitting the unsolicited stats) here mebbe we can be dating ur fine and i love ur name mebbe you make my dreams happen
ME: Thank you for the kind compliments. I recommend the REM cycle for dreams. Now please go away.
ASSHAT: fuck u whore
ME: No thanks. I have standards. I prefer to fuck people who make at least a rudimentary attempt at proper spelling, punctuation, and manners.
ASSHAT: Fuck you, whore. You're welcome.

Brilliant!

Hahaha, ask and you shall receive!

 

[Ahlam]

Hahaha, ask and you shall receive!

Yeah! I love it!

 

[satindesire]

Yeah! I love it!

Hahaha!

At least the asshole's a slightly more cleverer version of.

 

[Aurantica]

Without asshattery, would the Literotica soup be as savory?

ASSHAT: mmmmmmmmmmyummmm i wanna taste u !!!
ME: How very nice for you. I'm not into cannibalism, however. Happy hunting!
ASSHAT: hi honey (I'm omitting the unsolicited stats) here mebbe we can be dating ur fine and i love ur name mebbe you make my dreams happen
ME: Thank you for the kind compliments. I recommend the REM cycle for dreams. Now please go away.
ASSHAT: fuck u whore
ME: No thanks. I have standards. I prefer to fuck people who make at least a rudimentary attempt at proper spelling, punctuation, and manners.
ASSHAT: Fuck you, whore. You're welcome.

Brilliant!

I'm just imagining a button on my washing machine labelled "REM cycle"

 

[wantonmama]

A sample box of sweet & nutty doozies

I actually save the most outrageous emails/PMs that I get for a giggle...
**********************************************************
hey hun
hey baby how are you? just sitting here slowly stroking myself, feels good, would feel better if you were doing it

mmm bet yr a mama
That can't get enough hard Cock in yr hungry cunt

just wanted to say hi
intriguing.. to say hi..
__________________
Would love to cum on your mouth!! always!!!

Mmm would love to watch a throbbing black cock pound your tight little white pussy...

hmm
do pretty stay at home moms masturbate?

 

[Aurantica]

Be warned, what follows is a wall'o'text. Read on only if you can handle long meaningless rambles with no quotation marks or paragraph breaks.

Hi there I am 27 year old experienced Dom. I am willing to chat to see if there is a connection. Here is something that I am working on. Enjoy! Look forward to talking to you. You walk up to my car open the door and slide into the seat and close the door. You look stunning in a little red dress with black heels. Your hair shiny and flowing over your shoulders and coverage your perky tits. Your beautiful smile is all I can see before you plant a kiss on my cheek as I rev the engine and we take off. You slide your hand onto on mine and you can feel the electricity between us as you move my hand off the gear selector and onto your smooth legs. You lead my hand down your leg and back up to your heat source. Your pussy is radiating heat and I feel that you are trying to get me to take your pussy right then there. I let my hand grab on your thigh so I can stay near your heat. I tell you to lie the seat back and close your eyes and slowly pull down your straps and so that your tits are free and ready to be stroked and touched. “Now be a bad girl and show me”, instinctively your hands down your legs and slowly spread yourself out. You reach out to my hand resting on your thighs and try and slide it down to your pussy. “Sit on your hands or Ill cuff you”, I say to you threateningly. You want to resist and just want to scream out no but you stop and slide your down under your ass and look at me pleadingly. As I look down, I see that you have not followed my instructions and you are wearing black thong. “Close your eyes, slut” I say gently. “Remove your thong and shove it in your mouth for not doing as I have asked you.” You slide the thong off and hesitate with the thong in your hands. “Do it now or the punishment will be worse for you” I say with force. You slowly open your mouth and push your thong in and then return your hands under your ass. Good girl, now spread that pussy and under no circumstances are you allowed to close your legs until we get there. I continue to drive and finally bring my hand to rest on your pussy and all you can do is watch as my hand feels your heat, your wetness dripping out. Count, I say as my hand lifts up and comes down hard on your pussy slapping your clit. The sting spreads little shockwaves through your body and I say For everyone you don't count you will receive another until I hear you count, Do you understand? You look at my with those gorgeous brown eyes and say Yes, Master, *SLAP* 1 *SLAP* 2 *SLAP* 3 *SLAP* 4 *SLAP* 5 *SLAP* 6 *SLAP* 7 *SLAP* 8 *SLAP* 9 *SLAP* 10 How does your pussy feel? Do you think you can remember to follow my instructions completely and to every last detail? Yes, Master We will see how you do I bring my hand up to your tits and I just cup each one individually and then for for your nipple and being to squeeze and without thought you reach out to stop me. Get your hand back under your ass Master, its too much You will learn to take and now get your hand back to where it belongs before your punishment gets worse Once your hand returns under your ass. I tell you to close your eyes as I pull the car off the road and I begin giving you instructions. You are not to move, or open your eyes unless I say so. Yes, Master I being administer your punishment as I bring my hand down on your tits and alternating on tits so to spread out the punishment between the two of them. Each blow ripples through your body and causes you to scream out in anguish. But I do not know allow for any recovery time as I am already coming down on your other tit before you can recover. I give you 10 slaps on each tit until your tits have a pinkish colour to them. You can still feel the sting of the each slap and your nipples are so hard and so sore. You can feel my slowly rubbing and feeling your breasts and gently caressing them. You feel my hand slide down your body to your pussy to and you feel as my fingers enter you and penetrate you. It is only when feel my finger enter you that you realize how wet you have become from your punishment. I take my soaked finger and I slide it in your mouth and let you taste yourself before I slide my finger back into your and I taste you for myself. I take a second to take in this sight of you with your eyes closed and your perky breasts spilling out of your bra and your nipples shooting out like arrows. My eyes take in your your pussy that spread open for me with your pink lips protruding begging to be touched and stroked. You can take your hands out out from under your ass and I want you to cup your breasts in your hands and I want you to keep your eyes close. I want you to then show me how well you can fuck like a slut. I slide my fingers into your pussy, instantaneously I find that your pussy is soaking wet. I can not help but smile and as I enjoy the sight of you being in such a compromising spot. I tell you to start fucking. I hold my fingers still as you move against my fingers. You being to moan as you are trying push as hard as you can to fuck my fingers. Slowly I can feel your wetness leaking out of you and I tell you be a good slut and fuck me. Come one girl, Fuck those fingers Show me that you are ready to give up all your control and be a bad girl. You can feel my fingers penetrating you and you use all your strength in your hips to begin to push yourself against my fingers. You can feel my fingers hitting the walls on your pussy with your hands cupping your breasts and you can help yourself as you begin to scream out. Each thrust just makes you scream out as you can taking all your tight tiny pussy. You can feel it building it up in your pussy and its becoming too much and all you want to do is to stop it. I feel being overwhelmed and I warn you Don't you dare you move your hands, if anything I want you to squeeze your tits harder. All you want to do is explode to feel everything just take you, overwhelm you and I want you to be able to do nothing about it. You are so close, you can feel your body trembling and you are can feel it. Fuck me, Master, Please, Master you beg pleadingly. I pull out my fingers abruptly and I shove them into your mouth and make you taste yourself. Clean them, Slut, Good get them nice and clean. I take my fingers out of you and I tell you to put your hands back under your ass while my hands pulls and twists your nipples. You scream out as I take them roughly and then I pull them out so they are completely on display and we continue to drive. After 10 minutes, I tell you to that you can cover up and open your eyes as you can see that we are pulling into a hotel. I hand you to an envelop and I tell you that you are to go into the elevator and then open the envelop. As you nervously walk towards the entrance of the hotel, your breasts straining against your bra, your nipples craving to be set free all while your pussy is on fire and dripping down your leg. You can see the counter busy with people checking in, and you enter the elevator alone and you open the envelope and tells you to go the 7th floor, room 718. Inside the envelope you find an access card and you continue you to read that you are not are not to turn on the lights and you are enter and close the door and remove all of your clothes. There will be another envelope waiting for you in the room on the dresser. It will provide further directions. You get off the elevator and and find the room at the end of the hall and enter the room and find it completely dark except for the faint glow of the moon that fills the room. You look around and you see can see the bed in the middle of the room glowing from the moonlight and and you can see the dresser on your right beside the TV. You can see see the next envelope on top the dresser. You slip off your heels and wiggle out of your dress and and unhook your bra and let it all fall to the floor. The cool air washes over your body and offers you some little relief and makes your nipples only harder. You rip the envelope in pure frustration and anticipation, and you find further directions. You are are crawl into bed and you will several items and you are to put on all the items and then remain on all fours until I arrive. You get onto the bed and you find several items the first one you pick up is the handcuffs feeling the weight in your hands you put them down and find a a blindfold and then you find a bar with straps on both ends. You aren't sure what to do. You grab the letter and find that I have left you instructions. You attach the straps of the spreader bar to both your ankles and it will prevent you from close your legs. You are then going to placed the handcuffs on both wrists and then put the blindfold on. You get the spreader bar and the cuffs and you put the blindfold on and you find yourself in precarious position and completely vulnerable. You cannot close your legs leave your pussy and completely on display. The handcuffs and blindfold do not offer any comfort as you are completely out of control. You hear you the door close and and your eyes strain to listen to the noise. Master, is that you? You get no response and all you can feel is your pussy dripping down your thighs as you just as scared as your are excited. Master, I am in need of you to fuck me! You are getting nervous as you get know response but only hear only small little noises. You get scared and whisper, Master, if it is you please talk to me. Your pleads yields no results and you are scared as you are not sure who is in the room with you. You scream out, as the crop comes down on your ass. You feeling the stinging on your ass but cannot do anything as the another comes down on your ass. You screaming and moaning as feel the sting on your ass radiates shockwaves. Before you can do anything else you can feel the crop coming down on your other cheek making you want to scream out even more. Your pussy become so wet and your ass pulses stinging pain. You can't do anything as the spreader bar prevents you from being able to close your legs is further complicated by the fact that you cannot move your hands are see anything that is going to. The crop begins to come down hard on your ass over and over again on both cheeks alternating and as you try to scream out a gag is placed into your mouth. You can breathe out and breathe in but you cannot make any more noise. You fill your hair being grabbed and in the crop continues to come down on your ass. Finally crossed up sitting in when you can feel your pussy so wet and all you want to do is to grab the crop and shove it in there. All you want is something hard to be shoved inside your dripping wet pussy. You can feel yourself panting and feel your nipples hard as rocks. Before you can think anything else, you feel the gag being pulled out on something hard and thick being shoved into your mouth. It is so big your mouth is completely full and you can feel it pushing up against your throat. Your hair is being grabbed and you are being forced to suck on it, you can feel as it is being rammed down your throat. You can feel yourself in need of air when the cock is pulled out and you are gasping for air. It is only for a second before you can feel the cock being shoved back into your mouth. As you try and take more of it into your mouth you can feel that you need more air and again the cock comes out so you are gasping for air. This time the cock gets shoved into your throat you can feel your tips being grabbed roughly. You do everything to scream out but with the cock shoved down your throat only muffled noises comes out. As you're given a second to catch your breath and you feel your tits being slapped alternating between the two of them. You are pushed onto your back and dragged by your hair to the end of the bed so that your head is hanging over the edge. You can feel to push back into your mouth and you are being forced to take it all in your current position. As you continue to suck and gagged on the cock your tits are being slapped repeatedly. You want to scream out as the assault continues on your tits but the cock buried down your throat is preventing you. Finally the cock is removed from your mouth and you given a second to recover. You can feel the mess on your face and in between your legs. The pain radiating on your ass and all through your tits. You are dragged back onto the bed and you can feel the cock resting against your mouth, as you begin to lick at it but all you can feel two fingers into your pussy. The euphoria is driving you crazy as you try to keep focus on licking but the overwhelming feeling of your body wanting to explode is overtaking you. You can feel your body building towards an impending orgasm, losing complete control of your body. So the two fingers are removed from your pussy as you scream out in frustration. Master, please fuck me! Master, I need you to fuck me now. I am so in need right now and all I want is your hard cock buried in my pussy. You can feel balls being pressed against your mouth as she opened them to accept them and lick at them. After a couple minutes of licking at them, you hear grunts as cum explodes all over your chest. You feel the cock being beaten against your face before you feel nothing but you out of breath and sensation running through your body. Not bad, Slut. You are to rub my cum into your tits and stomach. You only allowed to clean your hands then get dressed and meet me in the car in 10 minutes.