Aussie's Self Pleasure Study Club

[cheekygirl75]

My mind is completely blown but what some of you are saying here. You would rather read than have sex.

What are you fuckers (ironic use of the word) reading?!? I’ve yet to see the book that would be preferable to sex. (Please link me to the stories/books/magazines)

When you’ve never had good sex, masturbating when you’re in that mood makes much more sense. I know I can get myself off. I’ve never been with a man who could help me get off (no, I don’t think it’s all his responsibility, I’ve done my part).

 

[aussiegeekygal]

When you’ve never had good sex, masturbating when you’re in that mood makes much more sense. I know I can get myself off. I’ve never been with a man who could help me get off (no, I don’t think it’s all his responsibility, I’ve done my part).

Are you in a long term relationship?

 

[cheekygirl75]

Are you in a long term relationship?

Nope and have had about two in my life, partly for this reason. (Not just because of that, but it felt very demonstrativere of the problems in the relationships)

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Nope and have had about two in my life, partly for this reason. (Not just because of that, but it felt very demonstrativere of the problems in the relationships)

Oh, yeah. I've been working with my husband for 15 years. We've had to put in a lot of work over the years and it's his showing up for me when I need it and vice versa that has kept us going. If you don't have a partner like that, or if you can't always find it in you to show up that way there's definitely going to be hardship.

I love conversations like these because part of how we take responsibility for our own orgasms (however they come) is by talking about them.

Yay

 

[cheekygirl75]

Oh, yeah. I've been working with my husband for 15 years. We've had to put in a lot of work over the years and it's his showing up for me when I need it and vice versa that has kept us going. If you don't have a partner like that, or if you can't always find it in you to show up that way there's definitely going to be hardship.

I love conversations like these because part of how we take responsibility for our own orgasms (however they come) is by talking about them.

Yay

Absolutely I feel like we’re responsible for our own orgasms. But I also think our partners should be invested in them too. I’ll totally admit to being too uptight and shy to help my partners know what worked for me when I was younger. But it feels like it shouldn’t be so hard to find a male partner at this age who also cares about my orgasms

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Absolutely I feel like we’re responsible for our own orgasms. But I also think our partners should be invested in them too. I’ll totally admit to being too uptight and shy to help my partners know what worked for me when I was younger. But it feels like it shouldn’t be so hard to find a male partner at this age who also cares about my orgasms

Oh, yeah, absolutely not.

Hence my comment about guys being terrible at the sex.

Have you seen the Psychology Today article about the rise of the single lonely men? I think this is a huge part of it. As we get older there is an expectation that people we meet and explore a relationship with have some of their shit together. Sadly, there's a massive gap there, too.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Absolutely I feel like we’re responsible for our own orgasms. But I also think our partners should be invested in them too. I’ll totally admit to being too uptight and shy to help my partners know what worked for me when I was younger. But it feels like it shouldn’t be so hard to find a male partner at this age who also cares about my orgasms

I think that most men, or at least a large proportion, due care. They want their partners to have orgasms if, for no other reason than that it is supposed to make them feel good about their masculinity to be able to "donate" orgasms. The problem for many men is that they don't have a clue as to how to make it happen. They believe that the key is to have a hard dick and fuck hard and fast. (An idea boys my age picked up, but which is reinforced by a lot of porn, too). Please don't think I'm saying this makes it the woman's job to teach. The man has to have the humility to recognize that he has something to learn.

 

[Strixaluco]

I think that most men, or at least a large proportion, due care. They want their partners to have orgasms if, for no other reason than that it is supposed to make them feel good about their masculinity to be able to "donate" orgasms. The problem for many men is that they don't have a clue as to how to make it happen. They believe that the key is to have a hard dick and fuck hard and fast. (An idea boys my age picked up, but which is reinforced by a lot of porn, too). Please don't think I'm saying this makes it the woman's job to teach. The man has to have the humility to recognize that he has something to learn.

That is the problem very often, the lack of humility.

I never expect a new partner to be like the ones I've had before, to like the same things, even less that he likes the same things and same kind of touch I do. Too often have I come across men that do expect that.

 

[hotwords229_A]

There is a simple answer to both of these questions:
1. Try reading out loud while getting eaten out.
2. Women learn from gay men, men learn from gay women and we should all be better at our craft.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Not all sex is worth having (even if there is no story to replace it). It's easy to find written erotica that is better than mediocre sex, for example on Lit. What it is for each of us varies of course. Here's one of my favourites: Dom of my dreams

Good sex, on the other hand, is a totally different thing. It just can't be compared.

I’m not saying every bit of sex is great. But damn, I’ve never had a book that even comes close. The paper is so rough and I tend to get paper cuts on my dick.

I feel like you all have a wank whilst watching Reading Rainbow.

There’s more to someone then a wet hole.

Explain.

I think you are forgetting to factor in just how terrible some dudes are at the sex

I have no reference for this.

Maybe this would be the book?

I feel like this would be a best seller, indeed. However, I would’ve titled the book “Risqué Business”.

But let’s be honest, it would be a lot of stories about me masturbating in various places around town.

“Pmann jerks his wiener on a plane, on a train, in a boat, next to a goat.

Oh the places he will go.”

 

[Lord Pmann]

When you’ve never had good sex, masturbating when you’re in that mood makes much more sense. I know I can get myself off. I’ve never been with a man who could help me get off (no, I don’t think it’s all his responsibility, I’ve done my part).

Define “good sex”.

I’m actually asking. Like, what is it that’s making it not good.

 

[Strixaluco]

I’m not saying every bit of sex is great. But damn, I’ve never had a book that even comes close. The paper is so rough and I tend to get paper cuts on my dick.

Well, as I already implied there is even the kind of sex I would have skipped altogether had I known how it would be. That leaves me nothing but disappointed and empty, no satisfaction. In some cases even despite definitely having the hots for the guy... In some cases it may even hurt (not talking about him purposefully hurting me).

And mind you - in almost all of those cases the man did get his satisfaction, while leaving me so disappointed I wasn't even in the mood for masturbation afterwards.

So for a story to be better, it doesn't actually require much. Anything worth reading will do. Even non-sexual stories will leave me more satisfied than that.

I feel like you all have a wank whilst watching Reading Rainbow.

I'm not visual in that way, not wanking to watching anything. (And I don't even know Reading Rainbow.) Written stories are way better for me.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Well, as I already implied there is even the kind of sex I would have skipped altogether had I known how it would be. That leaves me nothing but disappointed and empty, no satisfaction. In some cases even despite definitely having the hots for the guy... In some cases it may even hurt (not talking about him purposefully hurting me).

And mind you - in almost all of those cases the man did get his satisfaction, while leaving me so disappointed I wasn't even in the mood for masturbation afterwards.

So for a story to be better, it doesn't actually require much. Anything worth reading will do. Even non-sexual stories will leave me more satisfied than that.


I'm not visual in that way, not wanking to watching anything. (And I don't even know Reading Rainbow.) Written stories are way better for me.

Sorry, the Reading Rainbow comment would be understood only by Americans.

I’m curious if these unsatisfying encounters were one night stands or long term relationships. The lack of satisfaction would be more expected from the former. The latter would seem like it was more problematic.

Nevertheless, it sucks to hear you had these kind of experiences.

 

[Strixaluco]

Sorry, the Reading Rainbow comment would be understood only by Americans.

Suspected that... No problem.

I’m curious if these unsatisfying encounters were one night stands or long term relationships. The lack of satisfaction would be more expected from the former. The latter would seem like it was more problematic.

Both short and long term. The worst cases remained short-term exactly because the guy proved to be a selfish piece of ass in the bedroom.

In the latter cases (yes more than one partner) not as bad, but still unsatisfying and no solution was found over the years. For example in one 10-year relationship less than 30% of the times was I actually satisfied in the end. Reading gave me much more enjoyment, just like my imagination.

Nevertheless, it sucks to hear you had these kind of experiences.

The thing is, it's not just me. These aren't exactly uncommon experiences for women. That is part of the orgasm gap.

In my case for just about 4-5 years out of the 26 years of being sexual active can I say I've gotten an orgasm every time I've had sex, or even every other time. And yet I am an easy case in that sense, some partners have been totally amazed by how easily they can give me an orgasm (or usually several in those cases, they found it fun playing with my sensitivity).

 

[Endless_Night]

Alright friends,

It's time we talk about the orgasm gap that exists in the world today.

This was an interesting read. How the focus on sex as reproduction excluded the female orgasm in the discourse of sexual ethics, and how women are more susceptible to cognitive distractions, to name a couple of points.

I found the concept of morally significant consent to be of peculiar interest. Socialization acts to box people into all these ideas of "sexual success" that end up normalizing the orgasm gap, particularly in hetero relations, particularly for women.

Is marriage required to be successful? Is you partner entitled to sex? Is your partner entitled regardless of whether you find the sex enjoyable?

Personally, I had practically no sex education. Everything I picked up was social commentary stuff I heard in passing from other kids or adults, or the movies.

-boys want sex more than girls
-girls don't really like sex that much
-men are entitled to sex if you're married
-girls are supposed to get married

It does rather bring the concept of consent into question if a woman is consenting because she's conditioned to have low expectations for her own pleasure while believing she's required to provide sex to a partner. A partner she needs to have to be successful. (So icky. )

Of course all that^ barely touches the subject. The article is definitely with the read.

(I was also unfamiliar with De Gruyter's Open Access, so extra plus. )


To balance out, I will say that my partners in relationships of any significance wanted me please me sexually, but how could they, when I didn't know what I needed myself?

I didn't explore thought masturbate. My circle of girl chums didn't talk about sex. Men were supposed to (somehow) magically know what they were doing. (Yes, ridiculous, but somehow, that's something else I picked up along the way. )

 

[aussiegeekygal]

The paper is so rough and I tend to get paper cuts on my dick.

One word: graphite.

You are almost 40 (if not already there). You haven't learnt about lube yet? Are you sure you're good at the sex?

 

[Endless_Night]

< But if you engage in that game, you must also listen to other people's perspectives and weigh opinions appropriately; ie- a woman talking about something that affects women  may know just a little more than your mansplaining buddy, ok? >

One of the weirdest experiences I've had talking about sex was where a guy was telling the group what women needed to orgasm. I objected, nicely, and simply to point out that what he was saying was not what I, personally, needed.

He argued with me. With me, an actual woman, that I was wrong in what I needed.

Right up there in the top five strangest conversations of my life. So bizarre.

I also had a guy, when I was trying to explain needing directive sex (this was before I fully realized my kink) tell me that just meant I was lazy and wanted the guy to do all the work.

Can I just say: OOOOOOUCH


I've also been told, when trying to discuss my dissatisfaction with sex, that I was frigid, copping out, selfish, not trying hard enough, expecting too much, had something wrong with me, and…did I mention frigid?

All those things were said to me.

BY OTHER WOMEN

So…there's that.

 

[Endless_Night]

One word: graphite.

You are almost 40 (if not already there). You haven't learnt about lube yet? Are you sure you're good at the sex?

Well, he has had all that practice with his sister.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

And mind you - in almost all of those cases the man did get his satisfaction, while leaving me so disappointed I wasn't even in the mood for masturbation afterwards.

That pretty much describes that very small window of promiscuity I indulged in during my early twenties.

I had some truly  awful sex back then. But I learnt. It's nice to run into others who are also learning.

That's kinda what I like most about you pervs. We be learning the sex together. Like Hotwords says- study the gays. They know what they're doing and they're getting each other off. Some of my best teachers have been gay

 

[aussiegeekygal]

One of the weirdest experiences I've had talking about sex was where a guy was telling the group what women needed to orgasm. I objected, nicely, and simply to point out that what he was saying was not what I, personally, needed.

He argued with me. With me, an actual woman, that I was wrong in what I needed.

Right up there in the top five strangest conversations of my life. So bizarre.

I also had a guy, when I was trying to explain needing directive sex (this was before I fully realized my kink) tell me that just meant I was lazy and wanted the guy to do all the work.

Can I just say: OOOOOOUCH


I've also been told, when trying to discuss my dissatisfaction with sex, that I was frigid, copping out, selfish, not trying hard enough, expecting too much, had something wrong with me, and…did I mention frigid?

All those things were said to me.

BY OTHER WOMEN

So…there's that.

Again with the same person shit.

I once had a guy argue with me that clitoral orgasms weren't actually orgasms. And the weird thing I remember about that was me wanting to still have sex with him. Like, what? Okay baby Aussie. Whatever you want. You'll learn...

My mum drummed in to me that importance of my pleasure. It took me ages to figure out what she meant (and I may still not truly know) by not just having sex to get him off. She always said there had to be something in it for me, too. I really appreciated that framing. I may have missed some pretty obvious signs, but I never repeatedly subjected myself to the assholery (butt joke).

I am pretty lucky that most of the sex I've had in my life has really involved me in the way that I allowed it to. I'm just letting more of myself be right in there because with the people who understand how to treat me, the sex is amazeballs. But I still have to make sure I'm taking responsibility for simulating my sexual mind so that I can be available and engaged for when sex happens. I have to feel good about myself in order to have good sex with someone else, too.

 

[Endless_Night]

Again with the same person shit.

I once had a guy argue with me that clitoral orgasms weren't actually orgasms. And the weird thing I remember about that was me wanting to still have sex with him. Like, what? Okay baby Aussie. Whatever you want. You'll learn...

My mum drummed in to me that importance of my pleasure. It took me ages to figure out what she meant (and I may still not truly know) by not just having sex to get him off. She always said there had to be something in it for me, too. I really appreciated that framing. I may have missed some pretty obvious signs, but I never repeatedly subjected myself to the assholery (butt joke).

I am pretty lucky that most of the sex I've had in my life has really involved me in the way that I allowed it to. I'm just letting more of myself be right in there because with the people who understand how to treat me, the sex is amazeballs. But I still have to make sure I'm taking responsibility for simulating my sexual mind so that I can be available and engaged for when sex happens. I have to feel good about myself in order to have good sex with someone else, too.

A lot of that is what is missing for so many women. Figuring out what it is you want and need, opening dialogue about, actually be willing and interested in taking responsibility for your own pleasure. Big stuff.

Not to mention dumping all the useless or actively harmful early social conditioning. Eesh.

 

[Endless_Night]

Again with the same person shit.

I once had a guy argue with me that clitoral orgasms weren't actually orgasms. And the weird thing I remember about that was me wanting to still have sex with him. Like, what? Okay baby Aussie. Whatever you want. You'll learn… >

I might've laughed Topo Chico through my nose.



(I might've also found myself in similar situations. )

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Did you used to think height was a personality trait? Yeah, me too...

I think there's a subtle narrative in the world that girls should be attracted to guys who hurt them. I can't tell you the number of times I was told that it was understandable that a boy hit me in the playground because "he probably likes you". Extrapolate that to adolescence and beyond and it's fucking confusing as all shit because boys have been taught to be dismissive and violent to show interest and worse, women have been trained to interpret it as affection.

And I see so many people unlearning this toxic mess we've gotten ourselves into.

I tell you what, Gen Z has me on fire for the way they were navigating sexuality. I'm obsessed with their level of sexual literacy. And a little envious. The one thing I missed was having a group of friends who I could talk to about sex. I had my family, but I didn't want to talk to them about everything. So then I found you. And now my life is getting closer to complete

 

[cheekygirl75]

Define “good sex”.

I’m actually asking. Like, what is it that’s making it not good.

If you’re asking what makes it good sex for me, that’s an ongoing discovery.

But as a basic definition for everyone, I’d say good sex is where both (or all) parties are getting what they want.

 

[Endless_Night]

Did you used to think height was a personality trait? Yeah, me too...

I think there's a subtle narrative in the world that girls should be attracted to guys who hurt them. I can't tell you the number of times I was told that it was understandable that a boy hit me in the playground because "he probably likes you". Extrapolate that to adolescence and beyond and it's fucking confusing as all shit because boys have been taught to be dismissive and violent to show interest and worse, women have been trained to interpret it as affection.

And I see so many people unlearning this toxic mess we've gotten ourselves into.

I tell you what, Gen Z has me on fire for the way they were navigating sexuality. I'm obsessed with their level of sexual literacy. And a little envious. The one thing I missed was having a group of friends who I could talk to about sex. I had my family, but I didn't want to talk to them about everything. So then I found you. And now my life is getting closer to complete

Height. And a quaint idea that someone not openly mysogynistic was a winner.

What is it with GenZ?!?!

Take consent. Yours, theirs, ours. They're taken it apart and put it back together so it's more full of layers than a flaky biscuit.* A one word compendium, rather like the reverse of the Inuit multiplicity of the words related to snow.

Quality replacing quantity as the end goal. Personal sexual responsibility.

My sexual awareness underwent an enormous evolution after I came to Lit. It allowed me to work through so much toxic baggage. Life changing. But some of the stuff I've been reading this last couple of years surrounding consent and responsibility?

It's like a thought revolution. No idea what I'll be doing with any of it yet, but *boom*


*Terrible analogy but I've yet to have coffee.