Bad Random Life Tips.

[mnbreastluver]

Too poor to travel by plane? Put your mobile on Airplane Mode and pretend you're flying.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want to start a career in comedy? Start doing stand up at funerals

 

[Dalelaw2164]

Mid afternoon on a Tuesday is the absolute best time to eat Chinese buffet sushi

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your wife is upset with you, tell her she’s acting like her mother.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Do Not let sleeping dogs lie. No matter how cute they are. Wake them up. Confront them of their bullshit. One lie will lead to another! Before you know it your dog will be texting everyone of your contacts, their delusions. Stop the lies immediately. Sleeping is not justification for fake news

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you ever get a call if you went to Camp Lejeune do what I did. Say no, but you’ve always wanted to go there. It will bring back childhood memories of how you had such a lovely time at summer camp.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Get a vasectomy *before* you make a deal with Satan for your first born child.

Gotcha Satan.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you fall over and hit yourself hard enough in a supermarket, you can get a free bag of frozen peas.

Money-saving expert.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you hold a wild animal up to your ear, you’ll find out what it sounds like to be attacked by that animal.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you get pulled over leaving a bar for going 41 in a 35 and buzzed just tell the officer he’s nitpicking. He’ll realize you’re right and go away.

 

[WantonOneWanted]

No need to alter what you’re doing, that pain always changes into pleasure.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Tell your girl you’re not going out with her. Then go out with your bff. Is she run into you it’s fine. You can just tell her you changed your mind.

 

[mnbreastluver]

When someone yells at you, just do what they do in the movies. Get closer to them and ask,"Are you as turned on as I am?" Yelling will stop.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you don't file your taxes, the IRS will assume you get the same refund as last year.

 

[OtherMan]

When she says, “I love you, but…”

she’s about to express her need to orally pleasure you more.

 

[VoraciousValue]

When you pick up a woman on the beach, ask them up front not to shoot your wife in the head!

 

[OtherMan]

Use “flaccid” in conversation as often as possible when chatting-up the ladies.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Men, walk around with your fly open to see who's interested in you

If a woman notices your fly is open, no matter what her reaction, you can be certain she was checking you out. Should be pretty easy to get a date right then and there.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Don't follow your dreams. Be different. Follow your nightmares.

 

[Mav Unlimited]

If you see a big hole in the ground, jump into it. You will find a treasure chest hidden below.

 

[OtherMan]

Write her sappy love poems… nothing makes a woman wetter than a consistent rhyme scheme and a solid meter.

 

[Lady2020]

Think with your dick when you send a woman a pm. (For the naive af, do not do this).

 

[VoraciousValue]

If you're marrying the woman of your dreams, really make an honest woman out of her by having her branded!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Never treat someone the way you want to be treated. That is just unfair

 

[stickygirl]

Going to the dentist needn't be painful, just make sure the fucker is tied down before you pick up their drill