Being autistic and random stuff

[PMarky2]

An exercise I am still working through, is dealing with past events that otherwise linger, with their associated emotions still raw. I remember isolated incidents, even some as a child, with acute guilt/embarrassment/shame and they'll often come back to haunt me as I try to fall asleep, or will be there at 3am ready to shame me.

In some cases I've been able to take active steps, like speaking to the person involved. Almost inevitably, they have either no memory or just a vague recall, and so are puzzled why I've raised it. Typically I'll lie by saying it had 'popped into my head' rather than saying 'Don't you realise this has been keeping me awake for weeks, making my heart race and breaking me into a sweat?'!!! It feels like my brain can then close the case, push the drawer closed .... and then find something else to worry about.

Forgetfulness can be a blessing, but somehow my brain takes a delight in finding an old memory, then rushing up like a child demanding attention 'look, look, look!'

I can relate to that. Once in a while though brain decides that the memory it wants to draw attention to is a pleasant one, so it ain't all bad for me. However, most of the memories I dwell on are ones that bring guilt/shame.

 

[Strixaluco]

An exercise I am still working through, is dealing with past events that otherwise linger, with their associated emotions still raw. I remember isolated incidents, even some as a child, with acute guilt/embarrassment/shame and they'll often come back to haunt me as I try to fall asleep, or will be there at 3am ready to shame me.

I use forgiveness excercise for these. Forgiving myself, and whoever else was involved - without stopping to think if it's an issue that even should need forgiveness. Sometimes I have to do it over and over again. But it helps.

 

[Gatliss123]

Are anybody else here massive night owls? I've noticed that I'm often more lethargic in the day and more active at night.

 

[Strixaluco]

Despite my name, I am not. I'm just slow to get into action in the morning and slow to calm down in the evening, which may make me seem like a night owl. But in reality I feel best if I manage to keep a pretty normal rhythm. I just tend to need help to manage that.

 

[PMarky2]

I am slow to be sociable in a morning, but I am at my best, work-wise then. I am 'daylight activated, so at this time of year I am trying to get anything requiring concentration on done in about four hours between 8:30am and 12:30pm. I usually goof off in the early afternoon, and then do the stuff that does not really need thinking about between 3pm and 6pm. In the evenings, even when I do not have classes, it then takes me a while to wind down, but I am usually ready for bed about 10pm, or else I get a second wind and last until just after midnight. I sleep well for about five hours, then after that it is anyone's guess.

Of the two of us, my wife is more of the night owl, but blames me for it - typical. Her normal day is 9am to 1am, which messes me up to some extent. Left to my own devices I think would be a split sleeper. The odd times I have been able to do that I have been a lot more rested.

 

[stickygirl]

Woo, this was weird. We were playing catch up with a tv series, book-ending a show about the SAS regiment. After three programs I started to get butterflies and my heart rate started to climb from adrenaline. I got so caught up in the tension portrayed. I had to leave the room and it's taken me twenty minutes to stabilise myself. Fucking empathy.... and people say we don't have it!!

 

[PMarky2]

Woo, this was weird. We were playing catch up with a tv series, book-ending a show about the SAS regiment. After three programs I started to get butterflies and my heart rate started to climb from adrenaline. I got so caught up in the tension portrayed. I had to leave the room and it's taken me twenty minutes to stabilise myself. Fucking empathy.... and people say we don't have it!!

We do empathy - but we do it our own way.

 

[Strixaluco]

We do empathy - but we do it our own way.

This. Many of us may feel others emotions even excessively, to the point of being empaths.

It's the cognitive empathy that's a challenge. Like, understanding that someone seething in rage might actually seek for empathy. Or realising in advance how others will react.

 

[stickygirl]

This. Many of us may feel others emotions even excessively, to the point of being empaths.

It's the cognitive empathy that's a challenge. Like, understanding that someone seething in rage might actually seek for empathy. Or realising in advance how others will react.

Yes but...
We've learnt our social skills from watching other people very carefully in order to fit in by mimicking the 'correct' reactions. Maybe we get blind-sided by focusing too much on the 'how' and not enough on the 'why'? So we might adopt the right body language to listen to a joke, but forget to smile because we were concentrating on how to hold our hands.

It feels like we can often have particular talents but they don't get stitched together. I'm not sure how I feel about being an incomplete patchwork quilt, so the analogy only goes so far!

Anyhow, my heart rate is still too high this morning so either I have a virus or it's something I've eaten, though I couldn't bear to watch anymore blowy-up war stuff.

 

[Maturelickr]

Yes but...
We've learnt our social skills from watching other people very carefully in order to fit in by mimicking the 'correct' reactions. Maybe we get blind-sided by focusing too much on the 'how' and not enough on the 'why'? So we might adopt the right body language to listen to a joke, but forget to smile because we were concentrating on how to hold our hands.

It feels like we can often have particular talents but they don't get stitched together. I'm not sure how I feel about being an incomplete patchwork quilt, so the analogy only goes so far!

Anyhow, my heart rate is still too high this morning so either I have a virus or it's something I've eaten, though I couldn't bear to watch anymore blowy-up war stuff.

Maybe you are suffering from POTS. My wife has it and it can really play havoc with your heartbeat.

 

[stickygirl]

Maybe you are suffering from POTS. My wife has it and it can really play havoc with your heartbeat.

Thanks. I googled and that doesn't quite fit me and I hope it doesn't impact her life too much. With so many winter viruses going around, who knows. But I was definitely stressed by the storyline.

 

[Strixaluco]

Yes but...
We've learnt our social skills from watching other people very carefully in order to fit in by mimicking the 'correct' reactions. Maybe we get blind-sided by focusing too much on the 'how' and not enough on the 'why'? So we might adopt the right body language to listen to a joke, but forget to smile because we were concentrating on how to hold our hands.

I'm not sure if I get what you're saying, as from emotions you jumped to presentation and masking, and you lost me on the way.

 

[stickygirl]

I'm not sure if I get what you're saying, as from emotions you jumped to presentation and masking, and you lost me on the way.

There's language for you!

I meant, that if we focus on how we should react in a situation then maybe we overlook the emotions of why we are reacting that way?

I'm sorry that I didn't reply to your point, that rage can simply be a cry for help - in anyone, whether they are ND or NT. I suspect men are more given to express themselves with rage, even violence, through frustration. Too often men and boys are told that showing their emotions or tears is a weakness "Toughen up! Be a man!"
So yes, their anger can be an expression of frustration.

 

[Strixaluco]

There's language for you!

I meant, that if we focus on how we should react in a situation then maybe we overlook the emotions of why we are reacting that way?

But that doesn't explain situations where you don't even need to think about your own reaction and concentrate on how the other one is reacting. Or when you're totally surprised by how others react to what you're saying, because you wouldn't react that way yourself at all. Most likely someone getting upset or hurt, sometimes angry about what you said or did.

Which is a typical situation for autistic people. Other autistic people might get you, though.

I'm sorry that I didn't reply to your point, that rage can simply be a cry for help - in anyone, whether they are ND or NT. I suspect men are more given to express themselves with rage, even violence, through frustration. Too often men and boys are told that showing their emotions or tears is a weakness "Toughen up! Be a man!"
So yes, their anger can be an expression of frustration.

In fact, I was remembering one situation where it was a woman raging... And there are countless situations where it's not rage but something else.

Perceiving the feeling doesn't help with these kinds of situations, what's needed is the cognitive empathy. Which is where the double empathy gap comes into play.

 

[stickygirl]

But that doesn't explain situations where you don't even need to think about your own reaction and concentrate on how the other one is reacting. Or when you're totally surprised by how others react to what you're saying, because you wouldn't react that way yourself at all. Most likely someone getting upset or hurt, sometimes angry about what you said or did.

Being perceived as cold/unfeeling is something we can be accused of, when we speak without filtering first. Yes, that's surely a common guilt-scar autistic people carry. You can't rewind time or undo the words. Even saying nothing can be misconstrued.

In fact, I was remembering one situation where it was a woman raging... And there are countless situations where it's not rage but something else.

Perceiving the feeling doesn't help with these kinds of situations, what's needed is the cognitive empathy. Which is where the double empathy gap comes into play.

What you describe as a double empathy gap, is how two people might have very different life experiences and so struggle to empathise with each other? If we are wise and there is the opportunity, then offering to listen is a virtue. We can be guilty of talking too much.

As an example, during covid, an older friend discovered her husband had had multiple affairs. I think she wanted to speak to me because I was outside of her family and normal circle of friends: someone neutral. It was distressing to see her crying, because I didn't know what to say or do - I had no experience to guide me. I listened mostly, but told her things I thought might help. Of course the whole covid rules things meant we were supposed to avoid hugs.

 

[Strixaluco]

What you describe as a double empathy gap

Double empathy gap actually refers to the fact that NT's communicate relatively well among each other, and so do autistic people, but the communication between these two groups is compromised.

It shows even when tested with the traditional play of "broken phone" - the message is messed up the most in mixed groups.

It's rooted deeper than experiences - in the very way our brains function. And so do the differences in our emotional experiences too, I think.

 

[stickygirl]

Breadcrumbs led me to another thread and a post a Kree90 made over in BDSM - a forum I seldom visit. They've made a pretty comprehensive list of autistic characteristics that's worth a look, but there are other ones. But you know how it goes - if you've met one autistic person...

 

[Strixaluco]

Breadcrumbs led me to another thread and a post a Kree90 made over in BDSM - a forum I seldom visit. They've made a pretty comprehensive list of autistic characteristics that's worth a look, but there are other ones. But you know how it goes - if you've met one autistic person...

That one was a pretty good start. Forcot myself adding to the discussion.

 

[PMarky2]

I have noticed that I only truly relax around other Auties, or the few NT who are either very accepting of, or blind to, my variety of Autism. If I am around a bog-standard NT I am in constant analysis mode - am I being weird? Am I talking too much/little? Etc..

 

[ericalauren]

There was a flickering light in our kitchen today and it was driving me crazy while I was making the baby parrot formula. I don’t know if that has to do with my autism or not. Gosh darn I wish my dad would fix it.

 

[Strixaluco]

I have noticed that I only truly relax around other Auties, or the few NT who are either very accepting of, or blind to, my variety of Autism. If I am around a bog-standard NT I am in constant analysis mode - am I being weird? Am I talking too much/little? Etc..

This sounds... dare I say... Typical. Then there's no need to mask, and you're being understood.

Most of my time in social media these days I spend in certain Discord groups that are for autistic people, or that have collected a majority of people on the spectrum. (For example among hEDS patients autistic people are the majority.)

 

[stickygirl]

I have noticed that I only truly relax around other Auties, or the few NT who are either very accepting of, or blind to, my variety of Autism. If I am around a bog-standard NT I am in constant analysis mode - am I being weird? Am I talking too much/little? Etc..

Much the same here, but being a woman and trans means I can only relax with trusted friends. The effort I need to mask is not great, so it's doable.

 

[stickygirl]

I was relieve and happy to discover that 53% of autistic people struggle to remember names, to which I'd add especially when you need to recall them. I know it's a common issue amongst NTs too, but never the less, my tribe sees it as an issue.
Names are associated with the stress of meeting someone and all the various rituals people perform: will we shake hands, will air-kisses be needed ( how many ), will be fist bump and worst of all
will they try to hug me?!
I have gone rigid before now when someone assaulted me with a hug, with my arms pinned at my sides and fists clenched. All the time pretending I was not freaked out. I watched videos that show you how to duck out of an approaching hug, but I know I'd just end up punching someone in the balls by mistake.

 

[Strixaluco]

I was relieve and happy to discover that 53% of autistic people struggle to remember names, to which I'd add especially when you need to recall them. I know it's a common issue amongst NTs too, but never the less, my tribe sees it as an issue.
Names are associated with the stress of meeting someone and all the various rituals people perform: will we shake hands, will air-kisses be needed ( how many ), will be fist bump and worst of all

You should have heard my dad back in the days when he was calling a family member (before we kids moved out)

Listing all 3 children's names, even mom, and ending with "what are you now"

So it's not just about the stress of meeting people, it appears. I too may struggle even with VERY familiar names when I need them, while I'm talking to my friends or family. In fact, I am struggling with words at times...

 

[stickygirl]

So it's not just about the stress of meeting people, it appears. I too may struggle even with VERY familiar names when I need them, while I'm talking to my friends or family. In fact, I am struggling with words at times...

Same here with familiar people, though my feeling is that names are 'stress by association'. Brain gets flustered when names are needed!