Being dominated vs. being desired

[Kittykan23]

That part.

I would only want to be dominated by someone that I desired.

I would only submit to a Dom that I knew desired me. He can tease and taunt and torment me along the way (please!) But it’s only good for me if I know that he’s into me, wants me, and cares about my well being.

#truestory

I think you are my spirit animal!

 

[Nonsense01]

doesn't there need to be a two-way desire towards E/each O/other to make any domination work?

I think that is ideal. My preference.

I have seen women being used when the dominated had no use for the women, only the body.
I have seen men Being used when the dominant only for their wallet.

If it isn’t mutually agreeable, seems like abuse. I don’t know though.

Neither is for me, but since I don’t understand it, I don’t judge it.

 

[Melloww]

I wonder if or how often women confuse these things. They see the pictures of desire on Tumblr, like being pinned against a wall, and then they stumble into BDSM. Then they end up with a dominant person - and they get what they think is desire and passion, but put up with other aspects of a D/s relationship. Like..."I don't mind receiving pain too much and I put up with it to secure the desire and relationship."

Your phrasing here is loaded. The way you have written up this paragraph makes it seem like women are too dumb to understand the difference between desire and dominance. Like we're naive creatures that don't have the ability to critically think of our own experiences and expectations. It's in bad taste.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Your phrasing here is loaded. The way you have written up this paragraph makes it seem like women are too dumb to understand the difference between desire and dominance. Like we're naive creatures that don't have the ability to critically think of our own experiences and expectations. It's in bad taste.

I think world litterature (Lit?, the psychiatric ward?) would be rather empty if smart people never did stupid things when in love/lust.

Getting shit wrong at times=/=being dumb.

 

[Primalex]

The way you have written up this paragraph makes it seem like women are too dumb to understand the difference between desire and dominance.

I literally wrote:"I wonder if or how often women confuse these things."

Like we're naive creatures that don't have the ability to critically think of our own experiences and expectations.

Obviously there are at least creatures that can't read.


Anyway, the reality is that BDSM support forums are full of women asking:"Is it normal for a dominant to <insert abusive behavior of the partner>?".
I wouldn't have dared to call these women naive for not understanding the difference between BDSM and abuse, but...hey, you do you.

 

[Melloww]

I literally wrote:"I wonder if or how often women confuse these things."



Obviously there are at least creatures that can't read.


Anyway, the reality is that BDSM support forums are full of women asking:"Is it normal for a dominant to <insert abusive behavior of the partner>?".
I wouldn't have dared to call these women naive for not understanding the difference between BDSM and abuse, but...hey, you do you.

Dude, you're rude.

 

[msub50some]

Is it only women, poor things, who get confused? And men don't ever?

No. Not just women.

 

[msub50some]

I don't dominate male submissives either, but I am still interested in what they have to say.

The title of your thread is gender neutral.

I don't see any reason why potential confusion between being dominated and being desired should be gender-specific.

So, no. I don't have any personal motivation for investigating how male submissives feel about this. But if you don't want them to engage with your question, which I do think is an interesting one, perhaps I should start a thread as you suggest.

Did you start a thread? I'll follow.

 

[_krista_]

When they're together its perfect!

 

[southernf]

I'm confused by a lot of the replies in this thread that make it sound like being dominated vs being desired are two mutually exclusive things. I honestly can't imagine ever having a pleasurable experience with anyone I didn't feel desired by. To me, being desired is a just a basic need with anything sexual -- being dominated or not.

 

[Primalex]

I'm confused by a lot of the replies in this thread that make it sound like being dominated vs being desired are two mutually exclusive things. I honestly can't imagine ever having a pleasurable experience with anyone I didn't feel desired by. To me, being desired is a just a basic need with anything sexual -- being dominated or not.

They are not mutually exclusive, but they are also not interdependent.

 

[southernf]

They are not mutually exclusive, but they are also not interdependent.

Now I'm even more confused!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Now I'm even more confused!

Now I'm even more confused!

They can coexist, but they don’t have to.

It’s pretty much like sex and love. Some need both and others are ok with/prefer casual sex.

The important thing is to be on the same page with partners/playmates about what you want from each other.

 

[Mei5ter]

Did you start a thread? I'll follow.

Hello msub50some

I'm sorry for not replying more promptly - I don't look at this thread regularly

I didn't start a thread. I felt, and still feel, that this is an interesting topic. But having expressed my view that it was unfortunate to restrict this discussion to female submissives, it would have felt hypocritical for me then to start another thread similarly restricted to male subs.

 

[Primalex]

But this is like asking, how many people think they want one thing, not knowing the full extent of what they're actually signing up for, and end up wanting something way different? The answer is many.

Indeed. And if this would be the Breeding Fetish group, I could have written about "pictures of happy little children that only spark joy". And if this would be the USMC group, I could have written about "pictures of military high tech equipment and camaraderie". But it's BDSM Talk.

Also, "desire" is kind of a vague term to use for this.

Which is why I have given an example ("like being pinned against a wall") what kind of (stereotypical) desire I have in mind.

 

[cookiecat]

Early on in my bdsm life, I wanted desire and dominance to be tangled up. I couldn't imagine offering up my "gift" of submission to someone I didn't desire and who didn't desire me. At that time, desire = relationship / love / yada yada.

After a while, it was clear I wasn't going to submit / play / do all the good, kinky, awful, amazing things because I was holding out for this Hallmark (50 Shades wasn't out yet) version of D/s.

I finally wrapped my head around the difference between submission and bottoming, Dominance and topping. As much as I desired the D/s relationship, my lady parts desired kink. I finally realized I didn't have to submit in that grand gift-giving way in order to have a fun, kinky moment with someone I didn't really desire. I desired his whip skills but not really him. Yeah, I wanted him to care about my well being but I didn't need him to look in to my heart.

While I was on a dating bdsm site, this idea of ultimate desire and bdsm was strong. Reading through profiles, so many subby folks wanted the One. The One to see into my soul, know all my secrets, obsess about me all day, put me in my place - really KNOW me. But here's my list of things I won't do....

Desire can be so many things, right? My wanton pussy has led me astray many times because of desire. Sub frenzy?? Is that part of this discussion? Someone said the OP post was in bad taste because it made us submissives sound like poor, addled creatures. I'll be honest. At times, I was. My pussy - full of lust and desire - thought I was in love and made really poor choices. It happens.

Sure, I want the package. Lust, desire, love, communication, patience, understanding. All the things. A hard cock. Someone who cherishes my orgasms AND me. I have a few more thoughts but right now, I have a guy who wants me to go for a walk with him because he desires a healthy whore of a girlfriend.

 

[Shenanigans90]

Early on in my bdsm life, I wanted desire and dominance to be tangled up. I couldn't imagine offering up my "gift" of submission to someone I didn't desire and who didn't desire me. At that time, desire = relationship / love / yada yada.

After a while, it was clear I wasn't going to submit / play / do all the good, kinky, awful, amazing things because I was holding out for this Hallmark (50 Shades wasn't out yet) version of D/s.

I finally wrapped my head around the difference between submission and bottoming, Dominance and topping. As much as I desired the D/s relationship, my lady parts desired kink. I finally realized I didn't have to submit in that grand gift-giving way in order to have a fun, kinky moment with someone I didn't really desire. I desired his whip skills but not really him. Yeah, I wanted him to care about my well being but I didn't need him to look in to my heart.

While I was on a dating bdsm site, this idea of ultimate desire and bdsm was strong. Reading through profiles, so many subby folks wanted the One. The One to see into my soul, know all my secrets, obsess about me all day, put me in my place - really KNOW me. But here's my list of things I won't do....

Desire can be so many things, right? My wanton pussy has led me astray many times because of desire. Sub frenzy?? Is that part of this discussion? Someone said the OP post was in bad taste because it made us submissives sound like poor, addled creatures. I'll be honest. At times, I was. My pussy - full of lust and desire - thought I was in love and made really poor choices. It happens.

Sure, I want the package. Lust, desire, love, communication, patience, understanding. All the things. A hard cock. Someone who cherishes my orgasms AND me. I have a few more thoughts but right now, I have a guy who wants me to go for a walk with him because he desires a healthy whore of a girlfriend.

Great post!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Which is why I have given an example ("like being pinned against a wall") what kind of (stereotypical) desire I have in mind.

To me, that example and the mention of the picture thread, painted a picture in my mind of passion, rough, ravaging, primal. I think the word ”desire” in the context here also made Tennessee Williams’ street car rattle a bit somewhere in the back of my mind.

When reading the answers I see people talking about things that seem closer to attraction and want or at least less visceral.
Perhaps age and different frames of reference are confusing things?

Desire can be so many things, right? My wanton pussy has led me astray many times because of desire. Sub frenzy?? Is that part of this discussion?

Seeing Cookie post, made me think of something.
There was a thread (that I hope existed outside my mind too, I think it got nuked for forbidden references) about early experiences with BDSM where both Cookie and I talked about how there used to be a lot of things happening that were not thought of as BDSM and not linked to S&M either. Sorry Cookiecat, if I’m mixing things up!

Anyway, I think some of what would just have been considered ”Liking it rough”, now ends up in BDSM.
Regardless of this being good or bad, it does mean that the range of what you might find under the BDSM umbrella is bigger. Being aware of the diversity and being clear about what you want, becomes even more important and probably more difficult.

 

[mywife4othermen]

https://imgur.com/6lMZ0o5

 

[IrisAlthea]

https://imgur.com/6lMZ0o5

Wrong thread I guess?

 

[mywife4othermen]

Wrong thread I guess?

Why?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Why?

Because this is in BDSMTalk and not the Café. I thought you may have wanted to post in a picture thread.

 

[mywife4othermen]

Because this is in BDSMTalk and not the Café. I thought you may have wanted to post in a picture thread.

Oh ok. Thanks.

 

[babygirl4u1966]

doesn't there need to be a two-way desire towards E/each O/other to make any domination work?

I have to agree. I never thought in a million years I'd enjoy and be turned on by being dominated. But the guy who succeeded excited me in many ways (how he looked, how he talked, how he treated me, etc) and he had no problem using me as I'd do anything to be with him. Now he owns me...

 

[Retrieversandspaniels]

@HollyDoll describes it really well.

The act of submission to someone I desire is the key, not the act being submitted to. Seeing the pleasure he gets from dominating me gives me fulfilment, and in a trusting relationship - which BDSM requires - I know he understands my limits and will respect them, so it’s easier to endure acts that I may not enjoy. I do so knowing that I will get pleasure from obeying and submitting, rather than from what I’m obeying or submitting to.