Bistro Bijou

[UnderYourSpell]

I'd quite like some peanut butter icecream the only place I have ever had it is Las Vegas

 

[Homburg]

Sweetmeat, you're just helping to prove that the bistro has some depth to it. It's not all just amoral squalor in here.

But I like the amoral squalor.

Good question. But lemme ask you this:

Don't you think your own empathy helps you be a completely effective and healthy dom, in that you know how to sculpt an experience to please the bottom, to assist in their ecstasy? If you couldn't feel a shadow of it on your own skin and in your own heart, if you didn't acknowledge that connection you'd just be an abusive asshole, not a skilled dom.

Moreover, you obviously have that "your pain is not my pain" down in a very healthy way. We make our subs take responsibility for what they want, own it, in the same way an empath must give responsibility to a mate for their own state. We sense it, understand it, offer an experience, but we have boundaries that allow us to perceive but not take responsibility for it, except in the sense of being the provider of the desired experience.

There is little work more compassionate and generous than being a good dominant. It's a powerful responsibility and a way to offer healing as a gift to someone who needs assistance to explore their own crooked bits.

These are things of which I am quite sure.

I can see that.

Still, there are moments when... when the sadist really comes out to play, and that person might as well be a million miles away for all I feel. Those moments scare the dickens out of me.

oooo NJ lucky you. One of the best doms on the board offering you a tickling/ spanking! woot!

bj

Aw, geeze

 

[normal jean]

Sweetmeat, you're just helping to prove that the bistro has some depth to it. It's not all just amoral squalor in here.



Good question. But lemme ask you this:

Don't you think your own empathy helps you be a completely effective and healthy dom, in that you know how to sculpt an experience to please the bottom, to assist in their ecstasy? If you couldn't feel a shadow of it on your own skin and in your own heart, if you didn't acknowledge that connection you'd just be an abusive asshole, not a skilled dom.

Moreover, you obviously have that "your pain is not my pain" down in a very healthy way. We make our subs take responsibility for what they want, own it, in the same way an empath must give responsibility to a mate for their own state. We sense it, understand it, offer an experience, but we have boundaries that allow us to perceive but not take responsibility for it, except in the sense of being the provider of the desired experience.

There is little work more compassionate and generous than being a good dominant. It's a powerful responsibility and a way to offer healing as a gift to someone who needs assistance to explore their own crooked bits.

These are things of which I am quite sure.



oooo NJ lucky you. One of the best doms on the board offering you a tickling/ spanking! woot!

bj

I do feel rather lucky right now. check out my new avatar

sorry Dr House, you have been removed as resident doc for today

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I do feel rather lucky right now. check out my new avatar

sorry Dr House, you have been removed as resident doc for today

Nothing like a good eruption now and again
Oh BTW will fix that Av tomorrow BJ .. might run with it Tuesday night!

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Do you think a sensitive person can learn to feel anger and attribute it to the correct source instead of internalizing the hurt?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I'd quite like some peanut butter icecream the only place I have ever had it is Las Vegas

http://www.all-about-dessert-sauces.com/images/peanut-butter-ice-cream-sundae2-250.jpg

But I like the amoral squalor.

I'm quite sure we'll get back to that shortly. I trust this crowd's sense of fun and kink implicitly.

I can see that.

Still, there are moments when... when the sadist really comes out to play, and that person might as well be a million miles away for all I feel. Those moments scare the dickens out of me.



Aw, geeze

Heart of mine, I know exactly those moments. I have them myself, and they're just as scary. I understand. I'm not bigger or stronger than the people I play with as you are, but there are other sorts of 'power-over' that are an equally frightening responsibility. And that's why we are very careful and very educated about what we do, what we know and where we go.

Again, you're in here, talking to the people who study and practice. You're not out on the street picking fights, or in court for spousal abuse. Nor am I. And if you're anything like me, you've learned to get off on the forced consent thing in and of itself: it's a gorgeous mindfuck to make someone admit what they want from you.

It's all about that shadow-self thing. The shadow is the dark side of the moon: not evil, just hidden, out of shame or misunderstanding or fear. But again, I'm not going to get all crystal weenie shabadoo about that. Later, maybe.

Oh and Lady S, if you want to chat more directly about empathy and psychic ability, do feel free to PM me.

bj

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Do you think a sensitive person can learn to feel anger and attribute it to the correct source instead of internalizing the hurt?

YES!

Absolutely. It just takes a little re-thinking and a couple of tools and new habits.

I'm living proof.

bj

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Oh and Lady S, if you want to chat more directly about empathy and psychic ability, do feel free to PM me.

bj

Thank you, I shall.

-Sheila

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Do you think a sensitive person can learn to feel anger and attribute it to the correct source instead of internalizing the hurt?

I don't even know what that means!!!

http://www.all-about-dessert-sauces.com/images/peanut-butter-ice-cream-sundae2-250.jpg



I'm quite sure we'll get back to that shortly. I trust this crowd's sense of fun and kink implicitly.




Heart of mine, I know exactly those moments. I have them myself, and they're just as scary. I understand. I'm not bigger or stronger than the people I play with as you are, but there are other sorts of 'power-over' that are an equally frightening responsibility. And that's why we are very careful and very educated about what we do, what we know and where we go.

Again, you're in here, talking to the people who study and practice. You're not out on the street picking fights, or in court for spousal abuse. Nor am I. And if you're anything like me, you've learned to get off on the forced consent thing in and of itself: it's a gorgeous mindfuck to make someone admit what they want from you.

It's all about that shadow-self thing. The shadow is the dark side of the moon: not evil, just hidden, out of shame or misunderstanding or fear. But again, I'm not going to get all crystal weenie shabadoo about that. Later, maybe.

Oh and Lady S, if you want to chat more directly about empathy and psychic ability, do feel free to PM me.

bj

Makes utter pig of myself .... Don't like the whole peanuts tho I wonder if Leon would care to eat them off my bare chest in the back room?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I don't even know what that means!!!



Makes utter pig of myself .... Don't like the whole peanuts tho I wonder if Leon would care to eat them off my bare chest in the back room?

*laughing!*

Leon's hiding in the corner wolfing down vitamins. I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he gathers his strength.
Meantime, I like peanuts...

I believe the question is, can a sensitive, empathetic person learn to hear and understand anger felt by a loved one, learn to sympathize and offer compassionate assistance, without getting internally injured by it, or taking it too personally?

bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*laughing!*

Leon's hiding in the corner wolfing down vitamins. I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he gathers his strength.
Meantime, I like peanuts...

I believe the question is, can a sensitive, empathetic person learn to hear and understand anger felt by a loved one, learn to sympathize and offer compassionate assistance, without getting internally injured by it, or taking it too personally?

bj

Oh well that's not me then I do everything passionately and full tilt just call me Donna Quixote

 

[normal jean]

I'd quite like some peanut butter icecream the only place I have ever had it is Las Vegas

ahhh, so you let it stay in Vegas?

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Oh well that's not me then I do everything passionately and full tilt just call me Donna Quixote

I suspect your profile's a bit different, anyway.

Here's what I love about the PFnD at the moment: we're like the diametrical opposite of the General Board.

over on the General Board, a perfectly nice person can post something and get dogpiled by abusive bullshit for no good reason at all. Here, we're sorta the opposite. Even weird newbies and strange critters can come in, make odd threads, and get treated with respect and kindness.

love this place.

Though I must say the GB is perpetually hilarious. They got that going for them, anyway.

bj

 

[unpredictablebijou]

ahhh, so you let it stay in Vegas?

bwah! lol!

But I bet she doesn't get it. They may not have those commercials over there.

bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*laughing!*

Leon's hiding in the corner wolfing down vitamins. I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he gathers his strength.
Meantime, I like peanuts...

I believe the question is, can a sensitive, empathetic person learn to hear and understand anger felt by a loved one, learn to sympathize and offer compassionate assistance, without getting internally injured by it, or taking it too personally?

bj

hey ouch that's not a peanut oooooo you meant to do that!
Which thread on GB perhaps I can come and create some mayhem?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

bwah! lol!

But I bet she doesn't get it. They may not have those commercials over there.

bj

I do too ... what heppens in Vegas stays in Vegas

 

[loststar]

ok, so here comes the cheesecake for everyone, I also have choclate and cookies as well as fresh fruit and pudding, and as always the bar is fully stocked and I will pour anything you desire. One a slightly more serious note I would like to offer some words that were shared to me from a very wise soul. "Not all people were meant to be mothers, not all people are capable of letting go of enough of them selves to show those around them what love should feel like." And while none of us can tell you what your mothers were thinking, I can tell you what I am thinking, I am undoubtly grateful to of known you, interacting with you on a daily basis has changed my perspective on quite a few things, you have undoubtly effected my life in a positive sense, and I am proud to be able to say that I know you. No I dont know all the perticular traits and habits, and bits and bobs that others may know, but for each and every one of the people here I get a very distinct flavor of the whole person. It may sound odd to say but I count you amoung my friends, and as a friend I want you to know that you are loved. Hugs to everyone here, and love to all those that seek it.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

I believe the question is, can a sensitive, empathetic person learn to hear and understand anger felt by a loved one, learn to sympathize and offer compassionate assistance, without getting internally injured by it, or taking it too personally?

bj

Actually, I was talking about when someone hurts me. Sorry about the confusion. When someone does something that hurts me, I don't get angry. Instead, I feel empathetic towards them and internalize the hurt.

I would be hard-pressed to name a time that I have gotten angry in my life. My therapist says that I need to learn how to get angry. Yeah. Like it's just that simple. Any time I try, through journaling or talking about past hurts, I feel pain, not anger towards the abusers.

-Sheila

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Wow I was thinking of having a room hug

 

[loststar]

Room hugs often turn into... oh that could be fun

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Actually, I was talking about when someone hurts me. Sorry about the confusion. When someone does something that hurts me, I don't get angry. Instead, I feel empathetic towards them and internalize the hurt.

I would be hard-pressed to name a time that I have gotten angry in my life. My therapist says that I need to learn how to get angry. Yeah. Like it's just that simple. Any time I try, through journaling or talking about past hurts, I feel pain, not anger towards the abusers.

-Sheila

Interesting.

I think the therapist has a good, if conventional, approach.

But my role models are a little older, and weirder. Like the Tibetan Buddhist nuns who prayed unceasingly for their Chinese torturers. Like the Dalai Lama. If someone causes you pain, it's actually okay to feel compassionate, since in truth, in the long run, they are only hurting themselves. But by the same token, if you truly feel compassion, you will also want to protect them from the ultimate shame, guilt and destruction of the choices they're making.

The most compassionate and loving thing you can do for a tyrant is to end their ability to abuse. It is self-protective, and it is also enlightened.

When people deliberately try to cause me pain (and not in the kinky context) i do get a flash of anger, but I too feel sympathy toward them. I can't help but love the few ex'es and former friends who now dislike me and, either actively or passively, wish me ill. Real love is universal and cannot be dismissed that easily. But if I really love them, I will "child-proof" their environment. It's merciful to prevent them from continuing to cause me harm; it's a kindness to them, and of course it benefits me as well.

*hi starlight! good to see you!
and I agree. These people are the best bananas in the bunch, n'est-ce pas?

bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I've left you a present on your kilt thread Bj lol

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Just thought I would pass this on. This hit home (hard) with me since I was always labeled as "oversensitive" as if it was some horrible personality flaw. This list was as if they were listing elements of my personality and experiences. I was criticized over and over from many of these things, from an ex-bf telling me that I get into music way too much, recurrent major depression since I was a teen, to my aversion to conflicts and standing up for myself. It's just bizarre to see it spelled out like this.


Empathy Character Traits:

Feel emotions often and deeply

Keenly aware of other people's feelings

Easily hurt or upset by insults or unkind remarks

Avoids conflicts and confrontations

Cannot easily release sad or upset feelings

Feel deeply for others' suffering and pain

Prone to recurrent depression

Keenly aware of and affected by beauty (art, music, nature)

Feel overwhelm or depleted by too much stimuli (large crowds, loud noises, hectic environments)

Was sensitive as a child

 

[Homburg]

I'm quite sure we'll get back to that shortly. I trust this crowd's sense of fun and kink implicitly.

One can hope.

Heart of mine, I know exactly those moments. I have them myself, and they're just as scary. I understand. I'm not bigger or stronger than the people I play with as you are, but there are other sorts of 'power-over' that are an equally frightening responsibility. And that's why we are very careful and very educated about what we do, what we know and where we go.

Again, you're in here, talking to the people who study and practice. You're not out on the street picking fights, or in court for spousal abuse. Nor am I. And if you're anything like me, you've learned to get off on the forced consent thing in and of itself: it's a gorgeous mindfuck to make someone admit what they want from you.

bj

Absolutely. I'm actually specifically known to do just that.

This demands further thought...

----

Just thought I would pass this on. This hit home (hard) with me since I was always labeled as "oversensitive" as if it was some horrible personality flaw. This list was as if they were listing elements of my personality and experiences. I was criticized over and over from many of these things, from an ex-bf telling me that I get into music way too much, recurrent major depression since I was a teen, to my aversion to conflicts and standing up for myself. It's just bizarre to see it spelled out like this.

I'm not really sure how these traits are a bad thing overall. Some, yes, but most really aren't. It's just part of being sensitive.

The list itself is interesting, and plugging myself into it has been thought-provoking.

Empathy Character Traits:

Feel emotions often and deeply

Yep. I am a fairly passionate chap. I tend to modulate what appears on the outside, but I feel strongly. I can get maudlin at the most insipid things when they press my buttons properly.

This is oddly difficult to admit to.

Keenly aware of other people's feelings

Very much so. I've been accused of being prescient before, or reading people's diaries. I have wished many times that I was not so bloody capable of figuring out all of what I figure out when I deal with someone.

Easily hurt or upset by insults or unkind remarks

Sort of. Again, I modulate my external reactions. Inside, I can be upset. Usually said upset is of the "At dusk, at ten paces, with pistols" variety. Other times, I am utterly non-plussed.

Avoids conflicts and confrontations

I tend to seek them out when I know they're likely. I avoid when they are not neccessary, of course, but once I know a confrontation is likely, I go after it. I am actually bloody aggressive a bout these sorts of things. I am starting to think that it is less because I am actually confrontational, and more simply because I cannot deal with the anxiety of waiting for the other boot to drop.

Cannot easily release sad or upset feelings

Hrm, not really. Well, okay, I'm not really good at dealing with sad. Upset though? Oh, I rant and rave, and go on and on when I'm grumpy. Pistols at ten paces, etc. Sad fucks me up...

Feel deeply for others' suffering and pain

Yes. And, again, I have wished many times that I did not. I hate suffering. when it is happening to someone I love it drives me mad.

Prone to recurrent depression

This one is a tough one. By the standards I use to describe depression, no. But by some of the clinical definitions I've read, oh yes. This bothers me. I am not the sort of person that accepts the idea of depression in myself readily.

Keenly aware of and affected by beauty (art, music, nature)

Yes. I am also someone that has been accused of getting too into music.

Feel overwhelm or depleted by too much stimuli (large crowds, loud noises, hectic environments)

Do you hate parties too? You saw that post I wrote about my Thursday and friday, right? Hell. Hell because I was frazzled, wrecked, and drained going in, and I had to go to a party, be social, and make a good impression. Talk about draining.

Oddly enough, performing at a party is a different story. Scene parties are great for that. I go into performer mindset, and I'm straight. The preparation for the scene, the scene, and the calm-down afterwards occupy me fully, and prevent me from getting so damned drained from the social interaction and environment. I succeeded at that party because I put myself a little bit into performer mindset.

And large crowds tend to get me hostile and paranoid. Concerts don't count though. Music is the reason I am there.

Noise does not actually bother me all that much.

Was sensitive as a child

Yeah, in my own heavily controlled way, I was.

So I am empathic, but really locked down. It kind of confuses me.

And holy jumping mother of fuck, but this post is all sorts of emotional nudity for me. I feel horrifically exposed.

Somebody remind me later that I don't take too well to the idea of going back and editing something out. That if I post something I should have the balls to leave it up.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

That list makes me wonder, truly, about the correspondence between the poetic temperament and "high absorbers" as we say in tantric circles.

bj