Boyfriend can't get over my ex?

[RabidMoose]

I've been in his shoes before...

Hi Sheath,

Well...I've been in your boyfriend's shoes...and I got over it.

My (now wife) girlfriend is 7 years younger than me and a knockout. I'm not ugly or anything, but on the attractiveness scale, she outranks me by far. Insecurity? Sure. Everytime a guy walked by us...they'd be eyeing her up and down. Remedy? She reinforced the fact that she's with me...and not them. These days I smile and it puts an extra spring in my step when I see all the guys gawkin' over her.

When we started dating, we would do the same thing as you...we talked openly about everything. She told me that once upon a time, she'd had an affair with a married man. Remedy? None. The past is the past. She's with me now. Reinforce that with your boyfriend. Don't give details about the past sexual stuff. It's important to know each other's sexual history...and sometimes it can be very interesting conversation, but we don't need names and sizes in inches. And least of all, we don't want to know that you're still in contact with a guy that you had an affair with. Sets up too many nagging doubts.

Boost his confidence. Make him understand that the councilling thing would be for the BOTH of you. Make him realize that this isn't any ONE person's problem...last of all it shouldn't be his personal hangup on John that is causing the problems. (It might be in reality...but he'll never go if he thinks HE'S the problem...that would be admitting guilt and blame for the whole thing...and sounds like his ego is fragile as it is) Make it a problem that BOTH of you need to resolve through coucilling.

I hope this helps. I just wanted you to know that there's hope. I've been the jealous type in the past...and I was cured...but not through therapy. Through the love of my wife.

RM

 

[sheath]

Re: I've been in his shoes before...

Hi Sheath,

Well...I've been in your boyfriend's shoes...and I got over it.

My (now wife) girlfriend is 7 years younger than me and a knockout. I'm not ugly or anything, but on the attractiveness scale, she outranks me by far. Insecurity? Sure. Everytime a guy walked by us...they'd be eyeing her up and down. Remedy? She reinforced the fact that she's with me...and not them. These days I smile and it puts an extra spring in my step when I see all the guys gawkin' over her.

When we started dating, we would do the same thing as you...we talked openly about everything. She told me that once upon a time, she'd had an affair with a married man. Remedy? None. The past is the past. She's with me now. Reinforce that with your boyfriend. Don't give details about the past sexual stuff. It's important to know each other's sexual history...and sometimes it can be very interesting conversation, but we don't need names and sizes in inches. And least of all, we don't want to know that you're still in contact with a guy that you had an affair with. Sets up too many nagging doubts.

Boost his confidence. Make him understand that the councilling thing would be for the BOTH of you. Make him realize that this isn't any ONE person's problem...last of all it shouldn't be his personal hangup on John that is causing the problems. (It might be in reality...but he'll never go if he thinks HE'S the problem...that would be admitting guilt and blame for the whole thing...and sounds like his ego is fragile as it is) Make it a problem that BOTH of you need to resolve through coucilling.

I hope this helps. I just wanted you to know that there's hope. I've been the jealous type in the past...and I was cured...but not through therapy. Through the love of my wife.

RM

You just gave me a dose of hope that I seriously needed right now. THANK YOU. I was really feeling rather down when I logged on here. Then I read this...and I have more confidence than ever that we can work through this.

I certainly do believe that this is a problem he and I have to work out together. After all, I love him, and therefore I consider him a part of me. And if something is going wrong with him, then I feel it too. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

So...bottom line...THANK YOU. You made me smile today.

And by the way, that must be an amazing wife you've got!

S.

 

[RabidMoose]

You're welcome...and yes...she's quite the gal

Good luck and keep us updated!

RM

 

[James G 5]

Councilling

Well, as you say, your guy obviously has some broader issues here & you're bearing the bitter fruit. Tha's a hard position to be in & it's admirable to stick by him.

Unfortunately, counciling is a horse-to-water thing. If he's unwilling to participate in it, you can't make him. Even if you could nag or guilt him in to going against his wishes, going in with a bad attitude is almost a gaurantee of failure.

The best way to go is to try & positively suggest it (pointing out how much it could help you BOTH and make you a stronger couple) and be supportive of him without being enabling.

At the same time, you need to protect yourself emotionally, and if his moods worsen & his drinking continues that might mean withdrawing a bit. It might also be a good idea for you to seek some counseling to deal with the emotional storm, and if his drinking is an issue maybe try a support group like Al-Anon.

If you let yourself get dragged down, youcertainly can't do any good for him, and if things don't work out you'll be in awful shape.

Positive action will be best for you both.

Best of luck.

 

[sheath]

An Update...

First of all, THANK YOU for your wonderful advice. I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement. So many wonderful PMs and posts came my way! You are great, guys...

Now, to an update on the situation...

My boyfriend and I have spent quite a lot of time discussing this, of course. He still balks at the thought of counseling. The important thing, I think, is what I have discovered about myself through all this.

Anyway, during a teasing little conversation we were having during sex, he suddenly fell silent. AGAIN. I knew by now what that meant, and when I asked, "Are you thinking about John?" he got very angry. So, very quietly and calmly, I told my boyfriend that accepting me was a REQUIREMENT if he expected me to be happy with him. That if he couldn't believe me when I told him over and over that he was the only one, then he was the one who needed to grow up. It might have been harsh, but the more time goes on, the more he seems to question instead of coming to a point of acceptance. I have done nothing to warrant that attitude yet I feel that I am reaping the blame.

So I decided I won't do that anymore. It was affecting the way I felt about myself, and actually at times making me feel ashamed of the sexual person I have always been. My boyfriend's opinion means quite a lot to me, and I found myself spending more time worrying about what he would think than just taking care of myself. I began to withdraw from any man who had the 'nerve' to flirt with me. I began to regret things I had done in the past. And I began to question everything I did. I felt like I was becoming paranoid, to be honest. His opinions were pulling me into a shell that was NOT healthy, for either of us. I'm glad I posted here...because your advice helped me to realize that trap I was falling into before I became buried in my own useless guilt and baseless regrets.

So...after that discussion, he seemed to realize that this is a problem I can only handle so much of. He seemed to take a deep breath and step back a little. Then he began to think about things. He told me that he is afraid of losing me, and that he realizes he has to grow up and accept that I have a past, and that past made me who I am. So he and I are talking more rationally now. He still feels incredibly 'inadequate' and 'not good enough', but my reassurance seems to be helping. And counseling is still something he and I are discussing. I think we're making progress.

So...the drinking has stopped, and I can see a bit of a change in his attitude since then. He and I are having sex more, and it is great. Thoughts of John are still there for him, but now he pays more attention when I tell him that I never think about John in THAT way. We are still working through it, but the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.

Thank you for all your responses...I appreciate them. Of course, any additional advice is ALWAYS welcome. Thanks so much, to all of you!



S.

 

[James G 5]

I'm glad things are looking up Sheath, and big props to you for standing up for yourself!
I've fallen in to that trap of trying to change myself or feel there was something wrong with me becuase of my partner's issues & I know how much strength it takes to break free & stand up for oneself
Congratulations & I hope things keep improving

 

[sheath]

I'm glad things are looking up Sheath, and big props to you for standing up for yourself!
I've fallen in to that trap of trying to change myself or feel there was something wrong with me becuase of my partner's issues & I know how much strength it takes to break free & stand up for oneself
Congratulations & I hope things keep improving

Thanks, James. It felt good to demand, "accept me"!



S.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

You go sheath!!!

 

[sheath]

You go sheath!!!

Life is good.

S.

 

[Shaq]

"Less history more mystery" Adam Corrola

 

[sheath]

"Less history more mystery" Adam Corrola

Wow....Shaq...

After all this shit, I'm going to make that my new sexual mantra.



S.

 

[houseman]

simply thought...

Our pasts' help to shape and define who we are today.

If he has a problem with your past then he has a problemw ith who you are today.

Aaron

 

[Guest]

I wonder how Johns wife feels about you 2 still "talking"??

I think its unhealthy for him and you to remain friends. Its obviously not helping you and your boyfriend.

just my opinion.

I agree. John is a thing of the past. Why jeopardize your current relationship with something from the past that can never be, and apparently makes someone you love in the present very uncomfortable?

Your "future" is with your boyfriend.

However, if you do quit talking with John and boyfriend still won't drop it..........drop HIM.

-X-

 

[James G 5]

"Less history more mystery" Adam Corrola

That un-funny nitwit said something intelligent?