Bring back the adventurous, kinky wife I used to have

[MeekMe]

I agree. I have had a conversation or two similar to that. However, as I've pointed out in the last few posts I haven't been showering her with attention. I realize that is not going to get me anywhere so lately I've been doing more and going out of my way more often to show her I love her. I actually got a smile this morning when I kissed her goodbye for the day instead of a "goodbye".
I don't feel like I've been a decent enough man and husband lately to have that conversation. So my plan at this point is to change my behaviour with the hopes that she will follow suit. If not I will be comfortable in my position to have the exact conversation that you described.

I'm happy you have a positive outlook on this. I feel like a relationship isn't a problem that needs to be fixed, but something to evolve and maintain. Sometimes the gears won't work as smoothly as they once did, a little maintenance can go a long way.

If she can show affection in return, I think that will say a lot. I know that I feel really good when I think about doing something to make my husband happy. Even something as small as making his favorite meal.

Just remember that it isn't about giving gifts and doing more housework, it's consideration. Simple consideration can say so much.

 

[hangdawg]

Whoever it was that said they were going to write a story using these posts as a basis - I want some credit!

 

[MeekMe]

I don't think you truly understand that I have tried this, just as you described, without it being shallow. This is not something that just popped up, it has been going on for close to 10 years now and it has reached the point where I admittedly have run out of energy myself to do all these things that you mentioned except on occasion. I did it for long periods and I did it on and off. In the end it wound up just turning into I was doing all this but she was still too tired for sex most of the time, not all of the time. It's actually pretty good when we do do it. I don't think you can truly understand until you have had children yourself. Life isn't as easy as the Dr. Phil show.

There are other things involved to which I haven't discussed. I work my butt off trying to pay down our bills and then have found on numerous occasions that she has gone behind my back and charged up thousands and thousands (probably about $20,000) of dollars on cards I didn't even know about. It's important for her to have this financial part of her life that she keeps secret from me. She feels it's ok because this stuff is in her name only and not mine so it is none of my business and somehow she has managed to keep a good credit score but I do resent her having this life behind my back that she refuses to open up about. I do know that when she was married to her ex they had to file for bankruptcy (actually mostly due to him). I'm pretty positive she's not cheating on me but I have a harder time being in love with someone that has to do this stuff behind my back so it is hard on me to be all lovey dovey, and yes, I have talked to her about it. She refuses to let go of her secret financial life that she does behind my back. Trust is a huge issue for me but it is not a cheating lack of trust.

This sounds like a failure of communication. You can't trust her with money.

I may not have children of my own, but I have been in a situation at a young age in which I was the caretaker of two children. I can't say that I know what it would be like to have my body changed and my hormones thrown out of whack, but I'm sure you can't imagine what that is like either. Also, I never said any of this was supposed to be easy. And Dr. Phil is a fraud and a terrible person.

You never mentioned if she showed non-sexual affection. My suggestion was to simply try to elicit non-sexual affection from her. If she has the ability to show affection in other areas, I think that is a good place to start.

But seriously, keep giving her gifts and compliments, eventually she'll give you that blowjob of gratitude.

 

[Que]

I'm all in with that pact! I don't want to leave. I don't need a new situation to be happy. I would like to work this one out.
It's a weird thing with her not really seeming to want any kind of sex for a couple weeks and then when we do she is very into it. I know she still has it at those moments, so why not all the time? She will also occasionally suggest some things similar to when we were younger. So I know it's not that she's dead below the belt or above the neck. It's in there, I just need to figure out how to unleash it I think.
Keep in contact my man. We will get this thing done!

Most likely she is being more receptive to sexual activity in synch with her ovulation cycle.

This is actually a very positive sign. It means she likely is not directing her sexual energy elsewhere which is often the case if there are for example resentments being harbored. I don't mean to suggest that when a woman is directing her sexual energy elsewhere it is necessarily an affair...I mean through her vibe, her romance novels, her soaps, her porn, etc, etc.

If she IS open to sexual activity when (and only when) her body is prompting her (about 3 days in the middle of her cycle, and often just before menses begins) then she is open to you.

You just need to build a little attraction. You won her loins once, you can do it again.

People in general and women in particular like a challenge, like a little mystery.

My favorite gambit of Athol Kaye's is to make sure that every time you go out that door it looks like you MIGHT be on your way to an assignation. Let her wonder a bit, contemplate your marketability. Be a little vague about your destinations.

I liked the bit about kissing her goodbye rather than just saying it.

When it comes to non-sexually-specific touching...it tends to build comfort.

Imagine your wife was a girl in the bar giving you a little smile and decent eye-contact. Anything that you could do with such a girl in public you can and should do with your wife...without asking.

Women like to know they are desirable and tend to reward cavemen. Assume the sale. Take some liberties.

If something happens so that you feel a bit rebuffed, grin, smack her ass and go mow the yard or change the oil or some-such manly task.

It's fine to devote some effort to housework, but don't let her SEE you doing it. Seriously. Even if she says how much she appreciates it.

 

[Que]

My advice would not change if this was about an account with actual money that she actually earned herself.

Bear in mind credit is not money.

It is spending money now that she does not have in anticipation that sometime in the far distant future she will somehow earn even MORE money than her profligate spending habits and pay it all back.

~snip~ I work my butt off trying to pay down our bills and then have found on numerous occasions that she has gone behind my back and charged up thousands and thousands (probably about $20,000) of dollars on cards I didn't even know about. It's important for her to have this financial part of her life that she keeps secret from me. She feels it's ok because this stuff is in her name only and not mine so it is none of my business ~snip~

Get to a lawyer, now. After he advises you about what your responsibilities will be whether they were in her name or not depending on the laws in your locale,

Tell her straight up that it is NOT OK to have "our money" and "her money".

If she insists she wants "her money", file papers for financial separation, agree on a budget that you each contribute to one and only one shared account that the household expenses are paid out of.

At a minimum...(since I am betting you are not going to take my advice) squirrel away $3,500 to $5000 for the divorce lawyer.

Once her ability to get credit is finally at its upper limit and all of the community assets are fully depleted on her binge-spending habits, she will leave and tell husband number three that it was mostly your mismanagement that led to her second bankruptcy.

Real talk.

 

[Hypoxia]

My advice would not change if this was about an account with actual money that she actually earned herself.

Bear in mind credit is not money.

It is spending money now that she does not have in anticipation that sometime in the far distant future she will somehow earn even MORE money than her profligate spending habits and pay it all back.



Get to a lawyer, now. After he advises you about what your responsibilities will be whether they were in her name or not depending on the laws in your locale,

Tell her straight up that it is NOT OK to have "our money" and "her money".

If she insists she wants "her money", file papers for financial separation, agree on a budget that you each contribute to one and only one shared account that the household expenses are paid out of.

At a minimum...(since I am betting you are not going to take my advice) squirrel away $3,500 to $5000 for the divorce lawyer.

Once her ability to get credit is finally at its upper limit and all of the community assets are fully depleted on her binge-spending habits, she will leave and tell husband number three that it was mostly your mismanagement that led to her second bankruptcy.

Real talk.

How pragmatic and true and sad. Indeed, credit is money you don't have. If your partner spends money you don't have, you're doomed. Will your partner change their ways? Good luck.

I have been an irresponsible shit in my current long relationship. I have not cheated, but I have not contributed fully, nor have I always been reasonable. But I've never blown budgets, never made secret or undiscussed major purchases. My being financially responsible is probably a main reason we're still together after strange decades. I've been a shit, but not a liar nor wastrel.

A relationship requires a modicum of respect. This wife does not respect the relationship. Doom.

 

[subwannabe]

I think one of the problems I didn't see when we were dating was that I was doing most of the work, initiating things, buying gifts, coming up with ideas, flattering, being romantic, and everything else mentioned here. Sex was great, frequent, and kinky. After a few years of marriage and having kids I began to realize more and more that it was always me that was doing everything and that annoyed me more and more. She does love me but she just isn't any good at all that stuff. We communicated about it many times as recommended here and things would get better for a while but she pretty much flat out said that she doesn't like to initiate, be romantic (toward me), and doesn't like to come up with ideas, or any of the stuff I had always done.

I returned to being the guy I was and things would get better but then it continued to bother me more and more that I had to do all the work. It's literally like if I didn't do anything for a year then we wouldn't have sex for a year and I don't think it would have even bothered her.

I got to be middle aged and I started to fantasize about how nice it would be to have someone that showed me that they wanted me. Why can't a woman tear the guy's clothes off and throw him down on the bed once in a while? Why can't she schedule a romantic dinner? Why can't she dress and act sexy (at least once in a while)? Why can't she ever make love to me? Why can't she ever just fuck the shit out of me? Why is it always me that has to get the ball rolling?

Frankly, as the years go by I'm getting more and more tired of it all being just a one way street. Even with great communication I never expected it to be 50/50 but it would sure be nice if she did some of the things recommended here to me, even if it was just every once in a while. Why do I always have to be the one to initiate? Most of the people here giving me advice all want me to return to being the way I was before and then I'll get something back in return but that's what gets to the heart of our problem - I'm getting tired myself of being the one that always has to do it all to get the ball rolling. Maybe this is my problem and not hers since I guess I didn't realize until too late that is was actually me that was doing everything right from the beginning. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. She's used to me doing everything and that's just the way she is. I guess if I want our sex life to return to the way it was it is up to me to do all the work and look for reciprocation. It's just all getting really old. If I was a dirty, fat, out of shape, unkempt scuzzball who belches and farts all the time I would at least feel better in knowing that there's a reason for it all but that's not the case.

As far as the money thing goes, that does bother me but the problem with our sex lives is really mostly all about the above.

 

[hangdawg]

So affection = sex.

I was trying to point out that maybe diving into "we don't have enough sex" was the wrong way to go about it. That maybe the situation was that both parties weren't putting in effort to have a good relationship.

Are your wives kissing or hugging you without you initiating it? Do they send you lovely texts at random?

What I'm saying is, if you put so much time and effort into your relationship to show your affection by more hugs/kisses/gifts/compliments, are they returning those gestures? I for one, don't see a point in shallowly doing nice things for someone because you expect sex in return.

I do nice things for my husband because I love him and want to make him happy. It turn, he feels the same way and neither party is only doing it to have sex.

I think there is a communication error here. I was suggesting talking about being affectionate towards one another for the sake of happiness and well-being, not sex.

My thought process, is that if she also makes an effort towards your happiness, that her spirits may lift and she may actually want more sex. If my husband started doing nice things for me just so I would have sex with him, I wouldn't have sex with him. I do it because I enjoy it and I know he is also getting joy. If you make the conversation all about YOUR sexual needs, of course she would feel bad and you would become just another thing she has to take care of.

This is all just my own opinion, or course.

First, I would like to ask how long you've been married.
Second, "if you put so much time and effort into your relationship to show your affection by more hugs/kisses/gifts/compliments, are they returning those gestures? I for one, don't see a point in shallowly doing nice things for someone because you expect sex in return. " it's not like I was walking around the house saying I'm vacuuming so I can get laid, I'm cooking so I can get laid, I'm rubbing your shoulders so I can get laid. I started doing the things I did before because she, out of her own lips, stated that if I were more affectionate and loving and helpful then she'd want to have sex more. So I changed my person, for the better I might add, and nothing changed.

 

[hangdawg]

I don't think you truly understand that I have tried this, just as you described, without it being shallow. This is not something that just popped up, it has been going on for close to 10 years now and it has reached the point where I admittedly have run out of energy myself to do all these things that you mentioned except on occasion. I did it for long periods and I did it on and off. In the end it wound up just turning into I was doing all this but she was still too tired for sex most of the time, not all of the time. It's actually pretty good when we do do it. I don't think you can truly understand until you have had children yourself. Life isn't as easy as the Dr. Phil show.

There are other things involved to which I haven't discussed. I work my butt off trying to pay down our bills and then have found on numerous occasions that she has gone behind my back and charged up thousands and thousands (probably about $20,000) of dollars on cards I didn't even know about. It's important for her to have this financial part of her life that she keeps secret from me. She feels it's ok because this stuff is in her name only and not mine so it is none of my business and somehow she has managed to keep a good credit score but I do resent her having this life behind my back that she refuses to open up about. I do know that when she was married to her ex they had to file for bankruptcy (actually mostly due to him). I'm pretty positive she's not cheating on me but I have a harder time being in love with someone that has to do this stuff behind my back so it is hard on me to be all lovey dovey, and yes, I have talked to her about it. She refuses to let go of her secret financial life that she does behind my back. Trust is a huge issue for me but it is not a cheating lack of trust.

So while she thinks that this is her debt because it's in her name only, that is not true.
If she starts to default on things she is tied to your mortgage, cars, boats, investments sometimes, etc. If her name is on paperwork with you there is a good possibility that you will be selling your home when the bankruptcy judge decides that she needs to sell the home to pay off some of her debt before he will finalize the bankruptcy.
I've never quite understood husbands and wives that have separate money. To me it seems like those people are separated just as they are put together.
But, it seems in your situation that she did this after you were married and obviously without your knowledge. That looks dangerous to me.

 

[Que]

@subwannabe...

Listen the movie meme of bringing flowers and chocolates and so forth has never actually gotten anyone laid...

If the girl was ALREADY a little moist for you it may give her the excuse to do what her body is asking of her...

Think of it this way...how many boxes of Godiva do I have to buy to get in Heather Locklear's panties?

I can't...Well maybe I can, but not through chocolate...call me, Heather!

Gifts for a girl on the defense emotionally, and sexually in a way are not fair...it puts them in an awkward spot...they aren't hookers...you can;t "buy' them...and to not give you what you want after you went to some (minimal) 'trouble and expense" makes them feel bitchy and that isnt a warm feeling that builds attraction.

Remember that one guy in college with a HOVEL of a bedroom with the sound of giggles emanating from it? He was able to get girls to shed their panties no problem...sans flowers.

Have you ever heard women project THEIR desires saying that they believe guys want girls that are hard to get. False. Guys like girls they can get. GIRLS like GUYS that are hard to get. It means that the guy is of higher value if he doesn't fall for her girlish charms as easy.

So less is more... You know how the horse whisperer turns away from the horse? Like that. A little rakish charm and saunter off.

Kudos though, for knowing what YOU need out of a relationship. Ever noticed that the way a person gives a massage telegraphs how they want to be massaged? You know what you need (and good job whenever you express that) but that doesn't mean it is how she receives messages of appreciation..

Read 'The Languages of Love." I wasted money on a copy for a girl in midst of venus-mars miscommunication with her (now divorced) husband...turns out the problem wasn't that they spoke different languages...problem was he spoke asshole. The reason I recommended it was she was trying to stay in after his unapologetic affair...he told her she didn't make him feel sexy...I think that part sounded like useful, honest feedback and suggested she pursue that. (though not necessarily him)...

Anyway I bought her a copy and since I had read quotes from it forever and never gotten around to it I bought every version of it the guy ever wrote. He is a hack...in the sense his work is all cut and paste of his other work...so grab whatever version it will be fine.

You need to know what makes your wife feel loved. Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

As an example I (and maybe you) are acts of service oriented mostly. That was what I lacked most in my marriage and how I showed my spouse my love. I figured out too late she likes words of affirmation. I grew up in a house with a father that is kind of an oaf when it comes to compliments and a mother that was kind of a bitch about his ham-fisted compliments. SO my compliments are sparse but I am frequently told by people that something I said touched them or it was the best compliment they had ever recieved. Mine have to be earth-shattering, and then crafted with precision... she just needed generic, you look great, I love you, in quantiy, irrespective of the quality...

Now If we had ever gotten anywhere in what little couples therapy (always with me as identified patient) I would have protested but look, honey I show you every day mutiple times a day my love...better than Westly in The Princess Bride. She "heard' none of those expressions of love.

She also was unaware that her abject neglect was something I heard everyday as "I REALLY don't care about you. At all."

So think about not how YOU need her to validate you...figure out what makes her feel loved.

The goal is to make her so attracted to YOU that WHEN you say, honey, I sure would like a backrub and a topless carwash..she will be eager to do so, because SHE desires YOU. At the moment...for reasons that are not necessarily malevolent but definitely your fault she is not attracted.

I assume form your monikor you are a bit meek... That is tough. Nothing wrong with knowing you like a submissive role, but that is an uphill battle with a lot of women. You can argue socialization or biology but women are programmed for strength. Find out some way that that applies to you.

Personally I would suggest faking some asshole-ness, but I fear that might not be within your acting range. Can you demonstrate resolve in some quiet way? Maybe in your personal integrity, your follow through on goals, like that?

A LOT of what you describe is what is known as a "shit test" basically when a woman is checking to see exactly how much shit she can get away with around you. You "fail" the test if you let her get away with something that honestly, no fair minded person would pat her on the back for doing.

Ever watched a dog struggle for pack position? Like that. I realize this is awkward for you as a submissive, but your pack has to have a leader and I am sorry you did not marry a got-her-shit-together domme. If you were Navajo, you would have a shot.

A LOT of women are still defying Dad in small ways and large. I hesitate to use the example but children NEED boundaries and thrive when you occasionally tell them NO. You need to find places to start putting your foot down with resolve, you can be polite, you can be calm about it, but if the answer should be NO, or "Is there some reason you cannot do that for yourself?" , say that.

 

[Que]

First, I would like to ask how long you've been married.
Second, "if you put so much time and effort into your relationship to show your affection by more hugs/kisses/gifts/compliments, are they returning those gestures? I for one, don't see a point in shallowly doing nice things for someone because you expect sex in return. " it's not like I was walking around the house saying I'm vacuuming so I can get laid, I'm cooking so I can get laid, I'm rubbing your shoulders so I can get laid. I started doing the things I did before because she, out of her own lips, stated that if I were more affectionate and loving and helpful then she'd want to have sex more. So I changed my person, for the better I might add, and nothing changed.

I don't think she was intentionally misleading you...

She remembers probably fondly the times in the past when she DID desire you that way...she has correlation mixed up...when she was putting out...you were such a happy appreciative clam that you probably DID do more of those sorts of things possibly without even realizing you did it. It is fun and easy to do nice things for people that we think appreciate us...sex makes us guys feel appreciated...

Even though she does LIKE all those things she listed, there are two problems...

One is doing something because your wife suggested it perversely is internalized as "not leading" and therefore unsexy...I know unfair, but it is what it is..

The other problem is it feels less valid if she felt she "had" to say something.

Not to be rude about it what has she DONE lately that earned the sort of affection one bestows without thought on a lover?

I don't think you should be a cold fish about it, but mix it up... Give her a backrub right before you have to leave so the message is clear, it was "just because" and the flip side create opportunities no matter how small for her to serve you in some way.

As humans we love who we serve, (well see above that might be me) My experience is that people don't love the people that serve THEM, because it makes for an awkward feeling of unearned entitlement. People feel great about themselves after they... say...help build a house for the homeless..

Find ways to make her feel good about her contributions toward and invested in your relationship.

 

[bailadora]

I assume form your monikor you are a bit meek... That is tough. Nothing wrong with knowing you like a submissive role, but that is an uphill battle with a lot of women. You can argue socialization or biology but women are programmed for strength. Find out some way that that applies to you.

You know what they say about assume.

I'm not trying to pick a fight, but the assumption that just because someone identifies as a sexual submissive, it follows that they are somehow physically or emotionally weak, irritates the fuck out of me. This is, perhaps, not the way you meant it, Query, but that's sure how it reads.

Just my 2 cents, but I think it takes a fuckload of courage and strength to be that vulnerable with your partner.

 

[GrrlFriday]

MeekMe: Not sure who you are addressing this to since I kind of co-opted onto the original poster's thread. Didn't mean to steal his thread but we do have very similar stories. I wanted him to know that he is not alone in this. If you are talking to me then I've already, "been there done that". My wife consistently says that she is tired all the time (which she is). She feels badly about not being more active and loving toward me. Our love life is actually pretty good when we do do it but I was hoping for the kinkier more active person who I used to date. I think there are a number of things involved but the whole thing kind of reminds me of some advice someone gave to me a long time ago. I was a manager for a well known pizza chain and, even though I was doing OK, the district manager (who was like a father to me) told me once that I was letting the store run me instead of me running it. I realized he was right, fixed the problem, and my store took off and was near the very top of the nationwide list for sales growth. I believe this to be my wife's main problem. She's letting life run her instead of her running it. I try giving her suggestions on how to regain control but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. She's just relaxed into a mode of letting things around her dictate how she lives her life and she lets it wear her down into being tired all the time and it rolls over into our love life. So far everything I have done has at best resulted in a short term uptake, followed by life catching up with her again. She refuses to believe that we can control our own lives, at least to some extent.

Can you provide her with evidence (and reassurance) that the big changes that she makes are real? That the locus of control can be internal rather than external? Sometimes, we're taught to discount the efforts that we make in order to be 'humble', which plays into a perception that we are tossed around by the fates and greater powers, without power in our own right. Sometimes, we forget our own strength.

I know this sounds dangerously similar to 'every choice a woman makes is a feminist statement', but if you narrow it in on the choices that have been important to her, that might make it more meaningful.

 

[MeekMe]

First, I would like to ask how long you've been married.
Second, "if you put so much time and effort into your relationship to show your affection by more hugs/kisses/gifts/compliments, are they returning those gestures? I for one, don't see a point in shallowly doing nice things for someone because you expect sex in return. " it's not like I was walking around the house saying I'm vacuuming so I can get laid, I'm cooking so I can get laid, I'm rubbing your shoulders so I can get laid. I started doing the things I did before because she, out of her own lips, stated that if I were more affectionate and loving and helpful then she'd want to have sex more. So I changed my person, for the better I might add, and nothing changed.

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now. This comment you've quoted wasn't directed at you, BTW. I never said you were walking around pointing out your good deeds for sex.

So, you never said if your wife shows affection in other ways. Does she make an effort at all?

I just think that it's a good idea to communicate. You said just recently that instead of goodbye, you kissed and there was a smile. Has your wife shown you any affection at all?

What I've been trying to say is that it goes both ways. One person can't keep giving with nothing in return. It's frustrating and very sad when it seems like only one side is putting in effort.

But I'm not focusing on the sex, I'm focusing on small acts of kindness that you would do for a lover not a roommate.

 

[hangdawg]

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now. This comment you've quoted wasn't directed at you, BTW. I never said you were walking around pointing out your good deeds for sex.

So, you never said if your wife shows affection in other ways. Does she make an effort at all?

I just think that it's a good idea to communicate. You said just recently that instead of goodbye, you kissed and there was a smile. Has your wife shown you any affection at all?

What I've been trying to say is that it goes both ways. One person can't keep giving with nothing in return. It's frustrating and very sad when it seems like only one side is putting in effort.

But I'm not focusing on the sex, I'm focusing on small acts of kindness that you would do for a lover not a roommate.

Interesting that you would mention my wife showing affection in other ways. Today I am very frustrated. I am attributing it to a lack of sleep.
However, I worked all day yesterday. After a full day I had a night job at a restaurant which started at 10 pm. and I got home at 3 am. I didn't want to disturb her sleep both coming in super late and then getting up at 6 to meet a granite installer by 7:30 so I slept on the couch for about 3 hours. I got home today at around 4 pm after an annoying day of not many things going right, which admittedly she didn't know about. However, she knew the hours I worked the last two days and how tired I was.
I came home to her and my daughter playing video games instead of someone cooking. She asked if I needed help cooking, after I'd been cooking for 45 minutes.
In my mind that is a very good time to "SHOW SOME AFFECTION IN OTHER WAYS".
After cooking I passed out. Woke up with an empty plate next to me so apparently I ate but don't really recall it.
I realize this new vigor I felt was only a few days old but shit like this really puts me in the Fuck It attitude. I honestly feel like I'm the paycheck most of the time.

 

[Que]

^Sorry for you bad day.

You can clearly see that putting in herculean effort does not pay dividends.

 

[Que]

You know what they say about assume.

I'm not trying to pick a fight, but the assumption that just because someone identifies as a sexual submissive, it follows that they are somehow physically or emotionally weak, irritates the fuck out of me. This is, perhaps, not the way you meant it, Query, but that's sure how it reads.

Just my 2 cents, but I think it takes a fuckload of courage and strength to be that vulnerable with your partner.

Oh I completely agree...I'll PM you a bit of background...

What I mean is that if he is sexual submissive his yearn is to serve, and I'm suggesting he moderate that and provide opportunities for her to serve in some capacity.

It isn't about courage. It isn't weak to be submissive. But being submissive as a man is not attractive to women who value dominance in men....and that is more likely the case.

The whole presenting as an 'alpha male' mindset might be anathema to a male sexual submissive.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm sorry to hear about your tough time hangdawg. This is an excellent point to make if you ever decide to have that conversation. Sometimes we don't see what's right in front of us.

My husband and I have both traded places when it comes to working outside of the home and in it. We have an appreciation for the work that we each do. Even with that understanding we've had rough patches. The thing is, we can't read minds. In order for us to work on these things we talk about them.

We also try to ask for help when we need it. Making our help available to each other unconditionally.

I'm guilty of bitterly hoping he'd see that I was tired, read my mind and know to have dinner ready because I was starving when I got home. He wouldn't know until it was too late and I was upset. In the end, my fault for believing he could 'just know' these things were needed. We've since gotten better at talking about these situations. Of course, I've let him down in similar situations, I'm not perfect.

I know you mentioned your wife isn't good at cooking, perhaps you could show her your favorite recipe and you could cook together? Maybe somewhere in there have that conversation about how frustrated you feel?

 

[LadyVer]

OP: does your wife enjoy reading erotica? You could share erotica stories that you both like. Make a game of it. Just a thought.

 

[StrayKat]

I'm guilty of bitterly hoping he'd see that I was tired, read my mind and know to have dinner ready because I was starving when I got home. He wouldn't know until it was too late and I was upset. In the end, my fault for believing he could 'just know' these things were needed.

I am sorry but I dont think it takes mind reading to know someone who worked all day long and some more is tired.

I am completely baffled at woman whose husband is working all day, half of the night, then sleeping 3 hours on sofa just not to wake her up, then working all day again and then coming home just to find out he has to cook his own dinner because she is playing video games?! Why it didnt take him a mind reading and longassed conversations to know he would wake her up coming to bed at 3 am?

No matter what kind of situation my marriage is in, if my husband works all day I will drop the fucking video game and cook him a dinner out of common humanity without anyone having to tell me so. Are we talking reasonable adults here or spoiled children without care for anyone but themselves?

 

[Que]

I'm guilty of bitterly hoping he'd see that I was tired, read my mind and know to have dinner ready because I was starving when I got home. He wouldn't know until it was too late and I was upset. In the end, my fault for believing he could 'just know' these things were needed. We've since gotten better at talking about these situations. Of course, I've let him down in similar situations, I'm not perfect.

Puts me in mind of when my wife and I were in a group of other couples...kind of a fellowship, no leader...just sharing relationship hints and tips.

Anyway this guy was going through med school and the wife was working two jobs to help support them... He often cheerfully did the home-making stuff, but with studying sometimes it was hard to get it all done.

One particular day he had really put some thought into having an organized task list to maximize his time on his study breaks and got a weeks worth of mutual chores caught up, dishes done, dinner on the table all while not shortchanging his studies. Proud of himself, he glowed with anticipation of her delight as she came home to a clean comfortable house after a hard days work.

She came in, ate dinner and by bedtime hadn't expressed a word of appreciation...he fumed at her ingratitude.

The next day still a little mad and he admitted sulking a bit..she noticed and inquired and he let loose about it. She was shocked...she honestly hadn't noticed one way or the other. One doesn't really notice what IS done as easily as what is not done...

How many husbands are stumped when the wife gets her hair cut...there is a vague register that somethings different but none of pay attention as much as we are on autopilot especially when overtired.

It took a while before he realized he had what is known as a planned resentment. If he had done this out of sheer desire to unburden her, it wouldn't have mattered if she knew WHY her evening was more relaxed...it just was.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've been married to the same woman for 41 years, and much of what I read in this thread is absurd; I'm not surprised so many hate their partners, cuz so many of you are clueless idgits.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_H-LY4Jb2M&feature=kp

 

[StrayKat]

I've been married to the same woman for 41 years, and much of what I read in this thread is absurd; I'm not surprised so many hate their partners, cuz so many of you are clueless idgits.

For all we know it may be all her sacrifice and you could be the biggest clueless idgit just a lucky one to have a saint of a wife

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

For all we know it may be all her sacrifice and you could be the biggest clueless idgit just a lucky one to have a saint of a wife

I've been married 41 years, so your proposition fails. Try again.

 

[StrayKat]

I've been married 41 years, so your proposition fails. Try again.

That proves exactly nothing.
My grandparents have been married for 70 and my grandfather was still a psychotic selfcentered attention whoring sociopath.