Bring back the adventurous, kinky wife I used to have

[StrayKat]

Longevity is the result of loving sensitivity to wants and needs and delicate hints of what could be.

Or maybe of keeping them chained to the post.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Or maybe of keeping them chained to the post.

That's your kink not mine.

 

[njlauren]

I stipulate you don't like my posts but I don't stipulate you have any bases for better opinions. Like everyone else you seem to...naaah youre not worth the candle. Too much like shoveling shit at the tide.

If you notice, I only talk about what I have seen and experienced and offered suggestions on what might work, I never claimed as you have, to have 'the answer'. If you have been married for 41 years, it is likely because your wife is some beaten down meek thing who didn't have the balls to leave, someone so black and white, someone so full of themselves must be a nightmare to live with.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

This will likely ruffle some feathers but that is not my intent.

On the surface I would agree that "compromise" sounds like a good quality. Intransigence, after all, doesn't sound like a very friendly way to run a household.

But it is a household...and it does have to be run.

My view is that leadership, not compromise is what is most often lacking.

How many times to you hear where one partner or the other sublimated their desires to go along and get along. Were they rewarded in some way for acquiescence? No.

It is well to build a "consensus" like five enthusiastically for a proposal versus two reluctantly acquiescing. What do you you do if you hand veto power to each other on every issue when there are only two votes?

Compromise may well be the way one racks up a long marriage. It was for me.

Doesn't mean it is a way to rack up a happy and fulfilling marriage.

Problem one is usually going into a marriage with either not a very good idea of who your are marrying or an unrealistic idea that marriage will somehow change that person.

The very best indicator that a marriage is at an end is withdrawal after a history of conflict. There is a lot of compromising going on when partners are too angry to even speak of their disagreement.

I was young and dumb sitting in a singles class designed to get us to be the marryin' kind as opposed to the fornicatin' kind.

The 34 year-old virginal instructor was re-purposing the prepared lesson material covering the scriptural admonition that wives submit to their husbands. She was adding a modern but soft, feminist spin on it suggesting that men are to lead after they solicit and obtain the consent of their wives on every given issue.

It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

Richard in the back, let's call him Dick, drawls laconically..."So....what you are saying is that you want to be in charge." I was quite sure he would be shunned at the mixer. Nope...girls hanging all over him.

Leadership includes responsibility. Someone has to be responsible. One of the first responsibilities of leadership is to put the needs of those you lead before your own.

I have seen examples of families that want to give children veto power. What a nightmare that is!

There are examples of highly successful wife-led marriages. There are marriages where one aspect or the other is led by the wife when perhaps it is a more traditional male role. For example the wife might well be the breadwinner these days. Or perhaps the husband is a complete idiot and a spendthrift with the money and must be put on a strict allowance.

But somebody has to lead....and the other person has to agree to that leadership or they ought not enter into a marriage at all.

We have tried 50 years of marital egalitarianism. It does not work.

I think mutual respect is HUGE. How many marriages involve partners that in the hindsight, you could not recommend in good conscience as a casual roommate? Some people should not share space with other humans.

my feathers are not ruffled. We may define compromise differently. I never suggested that one side gives in without appreciation, only that there will be times when a person needs to decide if it's time to value the relationship more than the personal desire. Further, I would never imply that compromise without balance is healthy.

How many things come up in a relationship where a veto would really be appropriate? If every decision is that big of a deal, there might be bigger problems than whether or not somebody got to pick the dinner location.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If you notice, I only talk about what I have seen and experienced and offered suggestions on what might work, I never claimed as you have, to have 'the answer'. If you have been married for 41 years, it is likely because your wife is some beaten down meek thing who didn't have the balls to leave, someone so black and white, someone so full of themselves must be a nightmare to live with.

Then reconcile your facts and experiences with your total ignorance of my wife. I wanna see how you square THAT circle.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

no.
no.
no no no.

Nobody wants to see any more negative comments about anybody's wife.

 

[njlauren]

This will likely ruffle some feathers but that is not my intent.

On the surface I would agree that "compromise" sounds like a good quality. Intransigence, after all, doesn't sound like a very friendly way to run a household.

But it is a household...and it does have to be run.

My view is that leadership, not compromise is what is most often lacking.

How many times to you hear where one partner or the other sublimated their desires to go along and get along. Were they rewarded in some way for acquiescence? No.

It is well to build a "consensus" like five enthusiastically for a proposal versus two reluctantly acquiescing. What do you you do if you hand veto power to each other on every issue when there are only two votes?

Compromise may well be the way one racks up a long marriage. It was for me.

Doesn't mean it is a way to rack up a happy and fulfilling marriage.

Problem one is usually going into a marriage with either not a very good idea of who your are marrying or an unrealistic idea that marriage will somehow change that person.

The very best indicator that a marriage is at an end is withdrawal after a history of conflict. There is a lot of compromising going on when partners are too angry to even speak of their disagreement.

I was young and dumb sitting in a singles class designed to get us to be the marryin' kind as opposed to the fornicatin' kind.

The 34 year-old virginal instructor was re-purposing the prepared lesson material covering the scriptural admonition that wives submit to their husbands. She was adding a modern but soft, feminist spin on it suggesting that men are to lead after they solicit and obtain the consent of their wives on every given issue.

It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

Richard in the back, let's call him Dick, drawls laconically..."So....what you are saying is that you want to be in charge." I was quite sure he would be shunned at the mixer. Nope...girls hanging all over him.

Leadership includes responsibility. Someone has to be responsible. One of the first responsibilities of leadership is to put the needs of those you lead before your own.

I have seen examples of families that want to give children veto power. What a nightmare that is!

There are examples of highly successful wife-led marriages. There are marriages where one aspect or the other is led by the wife when perhaps it is a more traditional male role. For example the wife might well be the breadwinner these days. Or perhaps the husband is a complete idiot and a spendthrift with the money and must be put on a strict allowance.

But somebody has to lead....and the other person has to agree to that leadership or they ought not enter into a marriage at all.

We have tried 50 years of marital egalitarianism. It does not work.

I think mutual respect is HUGE. How many marriages involve partners that in the hindsight, you could not recommend in good conscience as a casual roommate? Some people should not share space with other humans.

You write some decent stuff, the idea of respect, for example, and studies have actually shown that egalitarian marriages have actually made relationships worse, for a number of reasons. However, leadership is a funny thing,and your view assumes one person or the other has to be the leader in everything. Plenty of couples decide things mutually, though they often will have one person who will end up making final decisions in some areas, the others in others. The crap about the husband leading the family is old time Christian misogynist bullshit that is as odious as you see in the Muslim world, for all the talk of respecting the wife, it is just the same old crap.....It isn't that one partner or the other wants the other one to take control in most cases, they want a partner they can rely on, who will take care of things, who will do what they have to do. Even in a domme/sub relationship, few dominants want a doormat sub who simply follows orders, many want their subs to lead where they want them to, femme dommes in general respect the power their mate has, and they still generally IME have them taking the lead on certain things, they don't insist on controlling everything, it is too tiring.

The OP talks about this, it sounds like the wife is basically having hubby do everything, and it isn't working, his problem may be that he is expected to do too much...

The problem with egalitarian relationships is that they go too far, they take out all roles, they take out natural areas of doing things where someone may not want to do certain things, and true egalitarian relationships seem to leave both parties feeling like they don't have a vibrant relationship, what they have is almost two roomates sharing decision making and such......like most things in life, pure anything doesn't work well, the stupid Christian "a man is in charge of the household" is just as bad as the 'husband and wife are totally equal, every decision has to be made by committee", neither works well, the prior one often leads to an abusive relationship where the man is a dick and the woman a doormat, the latter to something resembling a commune, not a marriage.

 

[hangdawg]

So let me be clear. I don't do everything. That wasn't the message I was portraying.
I own a biz, I do the cooking. She doesn't work to speak of. She calls it work, but, she doesn't sell alot of product online so really it's more of a hobby. Up until this past school year my daughter was in public school but now she homeschools.
So my wife does things that help out. She cleans, dishes, teaches, is trying to build an internet business in the art world, etc.
I don't want it to seem as though I am the angel and she is the devil.
Also, this thread has kind of derailed. My initial point was ideas to bring some excitement back into my life and marriage. It would be next to impossible to offer marriage advice, unless it was very general and generic, without knowing my situation and also getting her side of things.
I have been incorporating some of the things all of you have been posting and things have been interesting.
I took her to a couples massage yesterday and we ended up having a happy ending.

 

[Que]

You write some decent stuff, the idea of respect, for example, and studies have actually shown that egalitarian marriages have actually made relationships worse, for a number of reasons. However, leadership is a funny thing,and your view assumes one person or the other has to be the leader in everything. Plenty of couples decide things mutually, though they often will have one person who will end up making final decisions in some areas, the others in others. The crap about the husband leading the family is old time Christian misogynist bullshit that is as odious as you see in the Muslim world, for all the talk of respecting the wife, it is just the same old crap.....It isn't that one partner or the other wants the other one to take control in most cases, they want a partner they can rely on, who will take care of things, who will do what they have to do. Even in a domme/sub relationship, few dominants want a doormat sub who simply follows orders, many want their subs to lead where they want them to, femme dommes in general respect the power their mate has, and they still generally IME have them taking the lead on certain things, they don't insist on controlling everything, it is too tiring.

The OP talks about this, it sounds like the wife is basically having hubby do everything, and it isn't working, his problem may be that he is expected to do too much...

The problem with egalitarian relationships is that they go too far, they take out all roles, they take out natural areas of doing things where someone may not want to do certain things, and true egalitarian relationships seem to leave both parties feeling like they don't have a vibrant relationship, what they have is almost two roomates sharing decision making and such......like most things in life, pure anything doesn't work well, the stupid Christian "a man is in charge of the household" is just as bad as the 'husband and wife are totally equal, every decision has to be made by committee", neither works well, the prior one often leads to an abusive relationship where the man is a dick and the woman a doormat, the latter to something resembling a commune, not a marriage.

Your idea that husband led marriage result in the "husband is a dick" is not backed up anecdotally or statistically...areas of the country with strong fundamentalist traditions report higher levels of marital satisfaction and by BOTH parties and lower incidence of divorce... I know of many anectotal incidences where the husband is a dick...I think at times I was...it happens when no one is obviously in charge, something FINALLY has to be said or done and the dick who sensed (right or wrong) all along that the decision had to be made by him FINALLY asserts himself. That inconsistency is the dick move.

I know it is popular to think of amish, mennonite, rigid baptists and mormon women as woefully repressed...they dont report that. The modernist egalitarian model has not produced good results.

I covered both of your concerns...I even bolded that there are examples of highly successful wife led marriages...I only know of the Navajo culture where it is the norm.. The man marries into his wife's clan...It is a matriarchal society...no one runs around whining about the 'matriarchy keepin' them down.'


...and husband led isn't christian bullshit...I think the muslims take it quite a bit more seriously. Back when marriages were mostly arranged by families in a LOT of cultures...you had no idea what your spouse's strengths or weaknesses were going to be until after you start your marriage with the presumed framework of the man leading and the woman accepting, supporting and guiding that leadership. Women unlike now didn't have the same freedoms outside the household they enjoy now...in the 60's my mom's credit cards said "Mrs. John Querysdad". It helps to have an understood framework in starting a marriage and adjust as needed...as I specifically said, maybe the husbands an idiot with the money and the wife will have to lead there, like that...

My concern is that even people that would argue that they are not in egalitarian free-for-all marriages, actually are. I completely agree this is "sit down and negotiate" time.

Feel free to throw eggs or veg or whatnot, but my assumption based on reading, and anecdotal observation and talking to hundreds of women anonymously over the years is that it is at least slightly more like that a woman is going to prefer a man with the confidence to lead, and I think most people would agree that men who are in egalitarian marriages are gonna buck hard if suddenly the wife says, 'honey we need a leader and I am it.' I have ZERO problems with a wife "leading from the bottom" to coin a phrase where she is ACTUALLY in charge while prompting hubby along to "make" the decisions...but that seems a bit complicated. Too many husbands think they are 'leading' from behind...as if being passive in delivery while maintaining a feeling of some kind of male privilege is even more silly.

To the OP: WOOHOO...you are definitely on the right track...

Some of what I write on the subject is geared to husbands who are in sexless marriages...that is defined by shrinks as less then 10 occurrences a year...you are not there...your situation is not that. You were reporting a waning though. The 'sexless marriage' guys were at your point before they were in sexless marriages...if you have made it THIS long without getting into a sexless period, you are doing fine, but the principles of building and maintaining attraction still apply. SOME marriages could use the man dialing back the macho and being more sensitive...it sounds like you are near the sweetspot for you...my point is in your case I recommend adding a pinch of macho more than you normally aim for.

Remember when the kids came along and the wife was legitimately worn out from the delivery and seem sort of fragile...we tend to dial things back a bit as if they might break...women are pretty robustly put together.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I think the couples massage was a perfect idea. It takes the pressure off of each of you to perform and sets you up to receive from the moment!

See? You didn't even need our help!

 

[hangdawg]

I think the couples massage was a perfect idea. It takes the pressure off of each of you to perform and sets you up to receive from the moment!

See? You didn't even need our help!

Idk about that. We can't afford to go get a couples massage every time I want to get laid. We'd be broke in a week.
I still have to keep you guys around!

 

[hangdawg]

Your idea that husband led marriage result in the "husband is a dick" is not backed up anecdotally or statistically...areas of the country with strong fundamentalist traditions report higher levels of marital satisfaction and by BOTH parties and lower incidence of divorce... I know of many anectotal incidences where the husband is a dick...I think at times I was...it happens when no one is obviously in charge, something FINALLY has to be said or done and the dick who sensed (right or wrong) all along that the decision had to be made by him FINALLY asserts himself. That inconsistency is the dick move.

I know it is popular to think of amish, mennonite, rigid baptists and mormon women as woefully repressed...they dont report that. The modernist egalitarian model has not produced good results.

I covered both of your concerns...I even bolded that there are examples of highly successful wife led marriages...I only know of the Navajo culture where it is the norm.. The man marries into his wife's clan...It is a matriarchal society...no one runs around whining about the 'matriarchy keepin' them down.'


...and husband led isn't christian bullshit...I think the muslims take it quite a bit more seriously. Back when marriages were mostly arranged by families in a LOT of cultures...you had no idea what your spouse's strengths or weaknesses were going to be until after you start your marriage with the presumed framework of the man leading and the woman accepting, supporting and guiding that leadership. Women unlike now didn't have the same freedoms outside the household they enjoy now...in the 60's my mom's credit cards said "Mrs. John Querysdad". It helps to have an understood framework in starting a marriage and adjust as needed...as I specifically said, maybe the husbands an idiot with the money and the wife will have to lead there, like that...

My concern is that even people that would argue that they are not in egalitarian free-for-all marriages, actually are. I completely agree this is "sit down and negotiate" time.

Feel free to throw eggs or veg or whatnot, but my assumption based on reading, and anecdotal observation and talking to hundreds of women anonymously over the years is that it is at least slightly more like that a woman is going to prefer a man with the confidence to lead, and I think most people would agree that men who are in egalitarian marriages are gonna buck hard if suddenly the wife says, 'honey we need a leader and I am it.' I have ZERO problems with a wife "leading from the bottom" to coin a phrase where she is ACTUALLY in charge while prompting hubby along to "make" the decisions...but that seems a bit complicated. Too many husbands think they are 'leading' from behind...as if being passive in delivery while maintaining a feeling of some kind of male privilege is even more silly.

To the OP: WOOHOO...you are definitely on the right track...

Some of what I write on the subject is geared to husbands who are in sexless marriages...that is defined by shrinks as less then 10 occurrences a year...you are not there...your situation is not that. You were reporting a waning though. The 'sexless marriage' guys were at your point before they were in sexless marriages...if you have made it THIS long without getting into a sexless period, you are doing fine, but the principles of building and maintaining attraction still apply. SOME marriages could use the man dialing back the macho and being more sensitive...it sounds like you are near the sweetspot for you...my point is in your case I recommend adding a pinch of macho more than you normally aim for.

Remember when the kids came along and the wife was legitimately worn out from the delivery and seem sort of fragile...we tend to dial things back a bit as if they might break...women are pretty robustly put together.

More Alpha, less Beta coming up!

 

[silverwhisper]

hangdawg quoth:
i own a remodeling business, she works selling photography and digital art online very part time.

on one hand i can see your point of her being busy. however, i am doing a little bit of the housework as well as running a business with employees. i multitask alot everyday. where's the disconnect?

the thread has moved on from this. my point when i wrote my last response in this thread was that most men are as a rule less good at multitasking than men. there was a very interesting mythbusters episode a year or so ago addressing this, actually.

but as i said, the thread has moved on from this: there's a much bigger issue. it's hard to be in the mood when you aren't feeling great about yourself--that we're complete horndogs during our teen years is quite mind-boggling if you think about it. anyway: others have addressed this well and i have nothing more to contribute along these lines. however, i also didn't want you thinking that you were being ignored.

hangdawg quoth:
that has to be the most ridiculous thing i've read in this thread.

don't worry, it's early in the thread's life, as i'm sure you've seen. :>

ed

 

[njlauren]

Your idea that husband led marriage result in the "husband is a dick" is not backed up anecdotally or statistically...areas of the country with strong fundamentalist traditions report higher levels of marital satisfaction and by BOTH parties and lower incidence of divorce... I know of many anectotal incidences where the husband is a dick...I think at times I was...it happens when no one is obviously in charge, something FINALLY has to be said or done and the dick who sensed (right or wrong) all along that the decision had to be made by him FINALLY asserts himself. That inconsistency is the dick move.

I know it is popular to think of amish, mennonite, rigid baptists and mormon women as woefully repressed...they dont report that. The modernist egalitarian model has not produced good results.

I covered both of your concerns...I even bolded that there are examples of highly successful wife led marriages...I only know of the Navajo culture where it is the norm.. The man marries into his wife's clan...It is a matriarchal society...no one runs around whining about the 'matriarchy keepin' them down.'


...and husband led isn't christian bullshit...I think the muslims take it quite a bit more seriously. Back when marriages were mostly arranged by families in a LOT of cultures...you had no idea what your spouse's strengths or weaknesses were going to be until after you start your marriage with the presumed framework of the man leading and the woman accepting, supporting and guiding that leadership. Women unlike now didn't have the same freedoms outside the household they enjoy now...in the 60's my mom's credit cards said "Mrs. John Querysdad". It helps to have an understood framework in starting a marriage and adjust as needed...as I specifically said, maybe the husbands an idiot with the money and the wife will have to lead there, like that...

My concern is that even people that would argue that they are not in egalitarian free-for-all marriages, actually are. I completely agree this is "sit down and negotiate" time.

Feel free to throw eggs or veg or whatnot, but my assumption based on reading, and anecdotal observation and talking to hundreds of women anonymously over the years is that it is at least slightly more like that a woman is going to prefer a man with the confidence to lead, and I think most people would agree that men who are in egalitarian marriages are gonna buck hard if suddenly the wife says, 'honey we need a leader and I am it.' I have ZERO problems with a wife "leading from the bottom" to coin a phrase where she is ACTUALLY in charge while prompting hubby along to "make" the decisions...but that seems a bit complicated. Too many husbands think they are 'leading' from behind...as if being passive in delivery while maintaining a feeling of some kind of male privilege is even more silly.

To the OP: WOOHOO...you are definitely on the right track...

Some of what I write on the subject is geared to husbands who are in sexless marriages...that is defined by shrinks as less then 10 occurrences a year...you are not there...your situation is not that. You were reporting a waning though. The 'sexless marriage' guys were at your point before they were in sexless marriages...if you have made it THIS long without getting into a sexless period, you are doing fine, but the principles of building and maintaining attraction still apply. SOME marriages could use the man dialing back the macho and being more sensitive...it sounds like you are near the sweetspot for you...my point is in your case I recommend adding a pinch of macho more than you normally aim for.

Remember when the kids came along and the wife was legitimately worn out from the delivery and seem sort of fragile...we tend to dial things back a bit as if they might break...women are pretty robustly put together.

Statistical studies of both fundamentalist christian and tradtional Muslim marriages of the kind you talk about show higher rates of spousal abuse than typical marriages, and that is a fact (take a look at George Barna's website of the Barna report, he is an evangelical Chrisitian, and he talks about the fact that the shortcomings of his own brethren. Also, hate to be bearer of bad tidings, but the divorce, adultery and spousal abuse rates are higher in the bible belt then they are in 'liberal' places with 'egalitarian' marriages.

I am not saying you are totally wrong, I am saying that the traditional idea of male leadership might seem to work, but in the long run, it doesn't. Your citing of women's satisfaction doesn't prove much, for example, because there is a situation (the term of which escapes me at the moment), where people in relationships that they think have to work, should work, and aren't, basically lie, either consciously or sub consciously. When you are brought up to believe that that a marriage is a man ruling the woman, and you find yourself discontented, you are all but expected to chide yourself since 'this is what God wants", so creating artifice works well. That shouldn't be a big surprise, fundamentalist religion in general creates massive rationalizations for their beliefs, they create whole frameworks to prove that their literal reading of the bible is true, and allow them to believe inanities like the earth is 6000 years old, the dinosaurs lived in the garden of eden, Noah's ark is real and has been proven, you name it.....

The real problem with marriage in a sense is related to what you are talking about. Marriages got into trouble when they became about love, instead of convenience (when marriages were about conveniences, no one expected them to really work per se, it was an era when a mother would tell her daughter about sex and say it was something to be born as part of the duties of a wife)...then, when women started getting more and more rights, when they went from "Mrs. John Smith" to "Mrs Mary Smith", they were headed into seas that hadn't been charted before, and in some ways, still haven't been. The old ways, the old idea that one party had to dominate or be in total charge worked in the context of its times, but like I said, marriages in those traditional frameworks today don't work as well as you claim, that it often ends up as abusive. Female led marriages are interesting, but I'll let you in on something, a lot of them IME are often abusive in ways like the male ones are, they often degenerate into the woman becoming a tyrant and the man a doormat, it isn't a game, it is abusive of power, in part because I suspect the woman 'leading' the relationship loses respect for the man (I am going to be careful and say that I also know of more than a few female led marriages where both people are perfectly happy; but I also have seen and read of quite a few that I cannot call anything but abusive. It is kind of like the difference between D/s and abuse (actually, female led marriages generally are D/s), D/s is healthy, abuse is abuse, and when you have a power imbalance of that kind you can easily end up with abuse. One of the reasons I think where both people lead is healthier, is because it ends up solidifying respect, when someone has absolute power over everything, it is way easy to lose respect for the other person (and before anyone jumps on me, I am quiite well aware there are 24/7 tpes and the like that work great, where the respect is there, i am only saying that that type of relationship also can lead to the lack of respect thing I am talking about).

 

[njlauren]

Hangdawg-
Sounds like you guys are on the right track. You don't need to spend money on couples massage, there are a lot of good video on massage out there on You Tube, also some great resoures on how to give an erotic massage, you and your wife can do it for each other.

The other thing that is important, based on my own experiences, is simply getting out of the damn ruts we get into.That massage probably worked because someone made the decision to do it, and that is important. Sometimes it is frustrating when my wife and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner or do on a saturday night, and it is like something from the movie Marty "whaddya wanna do, Marty? " "I dunno, what do ya want to do".. *lol*.

I suspect you will do fine finding what works, and you don't need a bunch of people on here filling up the firmament with advice (present company not excepted). I still would suggest couples counseling with an epert on issues of sex in a marriage, they often have great suggestions on things to do to keep out of the ruts and so forth..but in any event, glad to hear you had a good time!

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Statistical studies of both fundamentalist christian and tradtional Muslim marriages of the kind you talk about show higher rates of spousal abuse than typical marriages, and that is a fact (take a look at George Barna's website of the Barna report, he is an evangelical Chrisitian, and he talks about the fact that the shortcomings of his own brethren. Also, hate to be bearer of bad tidings, but the divorce, adultery and spousal abuse rates are higher in the bible belt then they are in 'liberal' places with 'egalitarian' marriages.

ok.. if we're going to turn this into a GB thread, you need to post references to your loosely cited research. Nothing personal, but I'm not really going to accept the credibility of your argument based on the assertions of someone who does "custom research" (yes.. I did look at his site. you're welcome.) - there needs to be a little more to go on. Perhaps you would like to add a blogger.. or maybe the waitress at the coffee shop you frequent. The fact that he speaks out "against his own kind" really doesn't gain him any points.

 

[Mr_Jon_Thon]

This thread was both entertaining and somewhat interesting, but it's time to rap it up. Statistically speaking, statistics are nothing but bullshit bent to support opinions not facts. I'm sure I read that on the internet so it has to be true. And lay off pretending to have intellectual discussions on a porn site. You're not here to help the OP, you're here to hear the keys on your keyboard clicking.

For the OP: Communicate. Talk to her. And be honest. Every relationship I've failed at was for the things that went unspoken that could have been easily remedied by a conversation with our clothes on. We get older, we change, and so does sex.

 

[silverwhisper]

jon quoth:
and lay off pretending to have intellectual discussions on a porn site

yes, obviously the dude with <200 posts who''s only been here since december knows exactly how every forum on lit should be and why everyone is on the lit forums. of course.

ed

 

[Erochic]

Hangdawg-
Sounds like you guys are on the right track. You don't need to spend money on couples massage, there are a lot of good video on massage out there on You Tube, also some great resoures on how to give an erotic massage, you and your wife can do it for each other.

The other thing that is important, based on my own experiences, is simply getting out of the damn ruts we get into.That massage probably worked because someone made the decision to do it, and that is important. Sometimes it is frustrating when my wife and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner or do on a saturday night, and it is like something from the movie Marty "whaddya wanna do, Marty? " "I dunno, what do ya want to do".. *lol*.

I suspect you will do fine finding what works, and you don't need a bunch of people on here filling up the firmament with advice (present company not excepted). I still would suggest couples counseling with an epert on issues of sex in a marriage, they often have great suggestions on things to do to keep out of the ruts and so forth..but in any event, glad to hear you had a good time!

This!!!!

 

[Mr_Jon_Thon]

yes, obviously the dude with <200 posts who''s only been here since december knows exactly how every forum on lit should be and why everyone is on the lit forums. of course.

ed

There's a difference between offering the OP advice and just blathering on about nothing in the hopes someone mistakes word and post count for intellect.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

I stipulate you don't like my posts but I don't stipulate you have any bases for better opinions. Like everyone else you seem to...naaah youre not worth the candle. Too much like shoveling shit at the tide.

And you sir are still spewing negativity right and left with a pompous flair. Are you my long lost twin! ha ha

 

[bailadora]

Hangdawg-
Sounds like you guys are on the right track. You don't need to spend money on couples massage, there are a lot of good video on massage out there on You Tube, also some great resoures on how to give an erotic massage, you and your wife can do it for each other.

The Art of Sensual Massage by Gordon Inkeles *nods*

Amazon (I know, Ed, I know) even has an instant video that you can "rent" for a $1.99. I've not seen the video (I only have the book), so I can't vouch for the quality of it. But at that price point, it's not much of risk to possibly gain some new skills!

 

[hangdawg]

The Art of Sensual Massage by Gordon Inkeles *nods*

Amazon (I know, Ed, I know) even has an instant video that you can "rent" for a $1.99. I've not seen the video (I only have the book), so I can't vouch for the quality of it. But at that price point, it's not much of risk to possibly gain some new skills!

Ty Ma'am!

 

[GrrlFriday]

Something else you might like to consider is, if your daughter is in high school, getting her to take on the responsibility of cooking a healthy dinner for the family once a week. It's an opportunity to choose what she gets to cook, show growing responsibility and to improve her life skills. If she wants to 'learn guy stuff' because 'cooking is for girls', then as a compromise, get her to help you next time you need to fix something around the place and do a running commentary for her. And - honestly, if your daughter was your son, I'd be suggesting the same thing. Being able to cook a healthy dinner is for everyone.

Granted, you'll probably be eating some very interesting things the first couple of months, but it could have a good payoff in the end for her culinary skills.

You might like to discuss it with your wife first - explain your reasoning, ask her what she thinks of the idea.

 

[silverwhisper]

jon quoth:
there's a difference between offering the OP advice and just blathering on about nothing in the hopes someone mistakes word and post count for intellect.

"blathering on about nothing"? you mean, like posting a sentiment echoing posts previously made in the thread multiple times, while affecting ennui?

ed