Carolina Directory

[Magister]

Barbie
Did you hear about the little girl who asked Santa for a Barbie and a G.I. Joe for Christmas?
"Oh, but Barbie comes with Ken", Santa said.

"No" the little girl replied to Santa, "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"

 

[Magister]

Perished Nuns
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

The nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

The nun is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nuns is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!”

The nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

 

[Magister]

14 pints of Guinness


A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.

'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.

'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

'What's up, love?' says the husband.

'There's this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,' she says in a flood of tears.

'What? He's a dead man,' shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

'Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,' screams the wife.

'Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard,' shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,' she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

'Aren't you going to do something?' shouts the wife in hysterics.

'Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness...'

 

[Magister]

Cinderella


Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

So, as Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

'First, you must wear a diaphragm.'
Cinderella agrees and says, 'What's the second condition?'

'You must be home by 2 am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 am, Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied.

'Where have you been?' demands the fairy godmother. 'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!'

'I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.'

'I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name.'

'I can't remember exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other... '

 

[Magister]

Royal Wedding


On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed surrounded by all her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say, 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, 'Right. Now for the other one.'

This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said,
'My God, that was even tighter'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

 

[PaganZepher]

Happy Thursday to all!

Hi y'all!

(That is my poor dumbass, ignorant, don't know any better southern way of saying Hello! Don't you just love it when you find people who are "in the know", perfect, know what is *right* for you better than you do, and more than happy to preach the gospel according to their views?)

Oops! I promised I would not do that again. In case the Board/thread police (wannabes) are watching I wish to make the following Public statement on the Personal Board:
I'm still looking! See ad in Sig. line!

Des there is no need to pout! I was only going to use the ice cubes first so you could contrast the cold sensation with the heat of my lips as they enclose your lovely nipples and flick the tip of my tongue back and forth across them!

SCBT I'm afraid your scale doesn't go up high enough for me. (sniff!) I'm 3 days older than dirt.

Ltr, GG, and Des I'm glad to see you ladies enjoying life and thinking happy thought!

Going to miss you today geri and Magister!

Artful be careful! Our Des may be the "Angel of mercy" but she has a mean streak in her!

The weekend is almost here! Have a great day all!

 

[Magister]

The lucky sex


1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, it's pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

 

[Magister]

Wendy


There's this guy named Jack, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy Jack loves Wendy a lot.

To prove how much he loves her, he gets 'Wendy' tattooed on his penis. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads 'Wy'.

So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed.

He pops the question and she accepts. They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach.

They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar.

He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eyes wander and end up embarrassing himself.

He orders a drink from the Jamaican guy at the bar, who is also naked.

He is surprised to note that the bartender also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis!

Jack says to the guy, 'Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named "Wendy" and her name is tattooed on your penis, too?'

The bartender looks slowly down at Jack, back to his and starts
laughing.

Flashing a wide grin, he says, 'No, mon. Mine says, "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day."'

 

[Magister]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

 

[Magister]

Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."

 

[Magister]

Last one for today

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank, after being humiliated by an old woman, decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard about how fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman "I cut. I cut."

 

[Magister]

Couldn't resist this one... *weg* Think I picked the wrong name for Lit!

Wonder if Laurel would let me change my name?

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is crazed with excitement. Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dispel some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the French man is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting...," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you. What's your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."

 

[stunner311]

missing everyone

hello all,
i'm back after a day from hell, missed everyone real bad would have much rather been here than where i was. o well thats life i guess. they say absence makes thwe heart grow fonder, so who is fonder now?? lol.
i see in my absence you have resorted to humor and personal ads, wait , thats the same thing huh? lol. i will refrain from postin my personal ad at the moment.........hell i dont know what i want anyway, well yeah i have a few ideas.
ty dawn for filling scb in on my age bracket in my absence, i see even when im not here you are taking good care of me <wink>

oh well hope everyone has a great day or had one, hope to see you all real soon. hey didnt someone have an idea about a party not too long ago? i think that is a splendin idea. lets kick it around a bit.

see ya all soon, ^5s to the guys, kisses and hugs to the ladies.



stunner

 

[lovetoread]

Afternoon all.

Gee Magister,you filled my box up today.

I have all these lit announcements telling me that you posted...again....again...and again....lol

Be well.

 

[Cavediver]

Newcomer here in 704 area in Carolina. Can't wait to meet some of you!!!

 

[lovetoread]

Hello cavediver.

Welcome to this thread and have some fun.

 

[Georgia Girl]

Afternoon all

Woohooo, fresh meat -- hello Cavediver, nice to have you join us.

LTR - if Magister filled your box today, I must apologize profusely for the day Roughneck and I were playing - that covered almost 4 pages. I'm sorry, I promise to TRY to behave.

double16in...you still haven't found out how to make me behave yet but I'm lovin the new Harley.

Stunner.....its so nice to have you back with us and of course I thought of you. What do you think of my ad btw?

Magister...the jokes are wonderful.

Have a happy one and see ya'll later on.

Dawn

PS: Des...what we talked about last night....oh mama!!

 

[lovetoread]

Oh my dear georgia peach....<sorry I always wanted to say that > the day ya'll filled my box was ok,I was sick and unable to reply to them.

Now for us nosy ones....

What did ya'll talk about, hmm?

 

[geri]

*double post*

 

[geri]

hello all...yup i got my brand new keyboard up and ready to roll...just in time to go to work. *sighs* i will be on after work in time to say goodnight and read all the jokes put out today by everyone.

welcome cavediver and thanks for the mommy support Dawn and LTR...they keep this up and i will have to by stock in hair dye just to keep my grey/white hair under control.

hope you all have a good day today.

 

[Cavediver]

Thank you LTR and GaPeach!!! So glad I was referred here. This is right up my alley!

That said, I love to have fun and explore new grounds. I hope Im in the right place.

There is no way I can read all the threads to catch up, therefore what are some suggestions for being successful in this board (i.e. meeting friends)? I welcome PM's and email chatter!

 

[Georgia Girl]

Honestly,

we have talked about everything under the sun. He's a really nice guy and says he has to get his computer back up and going so he can keep track of me. No need for that, I'm all over the place, to keep track of me you need GPS.

Dawn

 

[Magister]

GPS?

I dunno, Dawnie... geri's a pretty busy girl, too, but I find My leash to be a particularly effective method of keeping track of her... *weg*

 

[Georgia Girl]

Magister hon.....

we've been over this whole leash concept before. I just wouldn't do well. I'd be yanking on it asking "Are we going somewhere?" "Are we going today?" "Could we pick up the pace just a bit?" "Is there something you are waiting on?".

I just would not do to well at all. Even in speaking with Master David regarding it he finds it amusing as well because my switch strength comes out at the most precocious of times.

Dawn

 

[Desdemona]

Hi everybody!

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I'm home from the hospital and I had a nice note from a loved one today. My world is pretty good. I hope your's is too!

Cavediver... welcome to the thread. We're glad to have you and I think you'll find we are a pretty friendly bunch. There are a few pervs among us, but we don't hold that against anybody. Just jump in the conversations and get to know us.

Stunner.... it sure is good to see you back here with us.

Dawn, LTR, and Magister... thanks for the chuckles this afternoon!

Dawn... I look forward to hearing all about your newest project.

geri.... I'm glad you have a new keyboard. Maybe you should consider getting one of those plastic keyboard protectors.

PZ... now that you've explained your intentions, I'll stop pouting about the icy bath. They are stiff and throbbing; waiting impatiently for your special brand of therapy.