Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[37_ttej]

You ever have one of those unexpected Wednesdays that shake you to your core? The ones that require a complete breakdown and surrendered sob in the shower?

Well I do.
And today was one of those Wednesdays.

Today I went to go visit a former employer. I joined this company in the early days and I rose up quickly through the ranks. I was really proud of the work I did there and the company we built. We took good care of our people, paid them well, gave excellent benefits and were very strict about work never going home with them. We designed a lifestyle that promoted long term employment and it's been wonderful to watch that grow. Even before I was a mother I was a huge advocate for working parents and started a program where mums could bring their babies to work when they wanted to return from maternity leave. Today I got to go see their state of the art daycare center. It was incredible and I'm so grateful to see the community that continues after leaving almost 10 years ago. It moved me

Anyways, the CEO of this company and I have remained friends throughout the years. We grab lunch together once or twice a year and today was our lunch date. Before we left for that he took me to the see the daycare and I'm order to enter I had to be signed in. There was a log book that recorded visitor details, such as the time of entry, visitor's name, escort name, etc. When entering my name in the log he paused after my first name, looks at me and gently asks "what last name are you going by these days?". Obviously my face registered "wtf mate?" because he followed up with "sorry to ask. There have been rumors of yours and Mr. Aussie:s split". Now I think it's important to note that Mr. Aussie also worked here, longer than me in fact, and so people who know me know Mr. Aussie just as well. They love him just as much as they love me. And they've only known the happy, madly in love with each other married Aussies. I thought the news of our separation was pretty well contained.

I was wrong.

Today I had to face the reality of my marriage transition in public. I didn't get into much detail over lunch and it was nice to have had a very soft landing for that first blow. The CEO shared my burden of my heartbreak for a moment and I'm grateful. He didn't judge. He didn't probe. He just let it be out there

I left lunch feeling really emotional, not yet processing all that had happened. I hit the gym on the way home and after talking to Mr. Aussie about it I jumped in the shower and just broke the fuck down.

What a Wednesday.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Deep thoughts today.

It must be the whole one dose is antidepressants I've taken so far...

So I decided it was time. I've felt this coming for a while and recognized that the combination of perimenopause, the residual effects from my head injury and the overall tension I exist in right now is more than my body and brain can handle. The puke and rally moment the other week wasn't a one off event. That was my sign this time.

This is actually the fourth time in my life I've gone onto antidepressants. I was first prescribed them in my early twenties when I was hospitalized for PTSD. Again after the birth of my first child and again during my second pregnancy. Each time I was on meds for a few months, just enough to stabilize myself and get back off. I've gotten to learn my warning signs and experiencing the sheer relief the right medication can provide in times of acute stress, I no longer hesitate starting medication. Coming down off Zoloft was the worst experience of my life. My brain would have jolts of electricity just randomly fire off and it was unpredictable and VERY uncomfortable. Blegh. I insisted no Zoloft this time.

Always, it's far too early to recognize relief, yet I kinda do. More in the sense that I took the steps I needed to take care of myself.

I also recognize that by choosing medication I am choosing to stick with my current situation and continue working on ways to make it work. It's so fucking hard and the stress of being around Mr. Aussie can be unbearable at times. I have so little capacity for grace for him right now and he can exist in some very difficult moods. I'm sure I'm no delight to exist around at times either. I'm freaking exhausted and by the end of the day I'm just trying to make it through. I don't jab and try to keep things light, but I know when I'm like this it triggers Mr. Aussie to no end. I can't hear what he says half the time, he hasn't learnt how to get my attention before talking to me and hates having to repeat himself. Great combo there .

When I'm not stressed to be eyeballs I can help mitigate some of this dynamic, but I'm spent and am just doing the best I can most of the times. I seriously considered (and have not ruled it out) moving out. I also know that if I move out I will never come back. There is so much about that life that would actually help me thrive.

Scheduled time to myself; check!
Predictable child care schedule; check!
Absence of super dysregulating partner; check!

Still, no matter how miserable things feel, I'm still holding on. Doing everything I can to navigate the ups and downs of life with love. I feel myself getting stronger and my intuition dialing back in. It's not time to give up just yet. I don't know why, I don't really care to know. I trust that if it comes to my needing to move out, I'll be able to make that call. And I'll continue to invest in the life that I have right now. As I've learnt many times over in my life, it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. The universe insists on me learning this lesson over and over again.

 

[ccs29745]

Deep thoughts today.

It must be the whole one dose is antidepressants I've taken so far...

So I decided it was time. I've felt this coming for a while and recognized that the combination of perimenopause, the residual effects from my head injury and the overall tension I exist in right now is more than my body and brain can handle. The puke and rally moment the other week wasn't a one off event. That was my sign this time.

This is actually the fourth time in my life I've gone onto antidepressants. I was first prescribed them in my early twenties when I was hospitalized for PTSD. Again after the birth of my first child and again during my second pregnancy. Each time I was on meds for a few months, just enough to stabilize myself and get back off. I've gotten to learn my warning signs and experiencing the sheer relief the right medication can provide in times of acute stress, I no longer hesitate starting medication. Coming down off Zoloft was the worst experience of my life. My brain would have jolts of electricity just randomly fire off and it was unpredictable and VERY uncomfortable. Blegh. I insisted no Zoloft this time.

Always, it's far too early to recognize relief, yet I kinda do. More in the sense that I took the steps I needed to take care of myself.

I also recognize that by choosing medication I am choosing to stick with my current situation and continue working on ways to make it work. It's so fucking hard and the stress of being around Mr. Aussie can be unbearable at times. I have so little capacity for grace for him right now and he can exist in some very difficult moods. I'm sure I'm no delight to exist around at times either. I'm freaking exhausted and by the end of the day I'm just trying to make it through. I don't jab and try to keep things light, but I know when I'm like this it triggers Mr. Aussie to no end. I can't hear what he says half the time, he hasn't learnt how to get my attention before talking to me and hates having to repeat himself. Great combo there .

When I'm not stressed to be eyeballs I can help mitigate some of this dynamic, but I'm spent and am just doing the best I can most of the times. I seriously considered (and have not ruled it out) moving out. I also know that if I move out I will never come back. There is so much about that life that would actually help me thrive.

Scheduled time to myself; check!
Predictable child care schedule; check!
Absence of super dysregulating partner; check!

Still, no matter how miserable things feel, I'm still holding on. Doing everything I can to navigate the ups and downs of life with love. I feel myself getting stronger and my intuition dialing back in. It's not time to give up just yet. I don't know why, I don't really care to know. I trust that if it comes to my needing to move out, I'll be able to make that call. And I'll continue to invest in the life that I have right now. As I've learnt many times over in my life, it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. The universe insists on me learning this lesson over and over again.

 

[37_ttej]

Deep thoughts today.

It must be the whole one dose is antidepressants I've taken so far...

So I decided it was time. I've felt this coming for a while and recognized that the combination of perimenopause, the residual effects from my head injury and the overall tension I exist in right now is more than my body and brain can handle. The puke and rally moment the other week wasn't a one off event. That was my sign this time.

This is actually the fourth time in my life I've gone onto antidepressants. I was first prescribed them in my early twenties when I was hospitalized for PTSD. Again after the birth of my first child and again during my second pregnancy. Each time I was on meds for a few months, just enough to stabilize myself and get back off. I've gotten to learn my warning signs and experiencing the sheer relief the right medication can provide in times of acute stress, I no longer hesitate starting medication. Coming down off Zoloft was the worst experience of my life. My brain would have jolts of electricity just randomly fire off and it was unpredictable and VERY uncomfortable. Blegh. I insisted no Zoloft this time.

Always, it's far too early to recognize relief, yet I kinda do. More in the sense that I took the steps I needed to take care of myself.

I also recognize that by choosing medication I am choosing to stick with my current situation and continue working on ways to make it work. It's so fucking hard and the stress of being around Mr. Aussie can be unbearable at times. I have so little capacity for grace for him right now and he can exist in some very difficult moods. I'm sure I'm no delight to exist around at times either. I'm freaking exhausted and by the end of the day I'm just trying to make it through. I don't jab and try to keep things light, but I know when I'm like this it triggers Mr. Aussie to no end. I can't hear what he says half the time, he hasn't learnt how to get my attention before talking to me and hates having to repeat himself. Great combo there .

When I'm not stressed to be eyeballs I can help mitigate some of this dynamic, but I'm spent and am just doing the best I can most of the times. I seriously considered (and have not ruled it out) moving out. I also know that if I move out I will never come back. There is so much about that life that would actually help me thrive.

Scheduled time to myself; check!
Predictable child care schedule; check!
Absence of super dysregulating partner; check!

Still, no matter how miserable things feel, I'm still holding on. Doing everything I can to navigate the ups and downs of life with love. I feel myself getting stronger and my intuition dialing back in. It's not time to give up just yet. I don't know why, I don't really care to know. I trust that if it comes to my needing to move out, I'll be able to make that call. And I'll continue to invest in the life that I have right now. As I've learnt many times over in my life, it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. The universe insists on me learning this lesson over and over again.

Deep thoughts, but positive ones.
Knowing yourself is the first step.
As a long-time user of antidepressants myself, I can vouch that they can be effective if used wisely.
There is no shame in using medication just like any other effective tool to help manage yourself.
I found it moderated the emotional mood swings and gave me the headspace to be able to view things a little more rationally and objectively. Hopefully it does for you too.
Be aware (though you probably know this from your previous experience):

• It’ll take some time for the meds to work effectively.
• In the short term there can be side effects which make you feel worse (and I mean really worse)
• Don’t stop taking them suddenly.

I truly admire your courage in sharing your story here.
There’s a lot of us here at Lit who luv ya, AGG, and are rooting for you.

 

[Endless_Night]

Aussie, just wanted to let you know that your disclosures surrounding your therapy experiences in this and other threads prompted me find a therapist. Both neurodivergent and sex positive.

Working on the third month and going well. So, thank you.

 

[LadyLascivious1]

I feel myself getting stronger and my intuition dialing back in. It's not time to give up just yet. I don't know why, I don't really care to know. I trust that if it comes to my needing…, I'll be able to make that call. And I'll continue to invest in the life that I have right now. As I've learnt many times over in my life, it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

@Endless_Night’s comment had me reading your post again and this part in particular really resonated with me in a way I needed. Thank you both.

 

[Endless_Night]

It's interesting how things come together. Aussie's chronicling and some conversations in PM motivated me to action. You are all so very appreciated.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

@Endless_Night’s comment had me reading your post again and this part in particular really resonated with me in a way I needed. Thank you both.

Hell, I needed to read that tonight.

What a serendipitous thread bump

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I'm so proud of you, Enny.

 

[Endless_Night]

I'm so proud of you, Enny.

Awww. Thank you.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Aussie Life Update

 

[sallysparrow23]

Aussie Life Update

Thank you for sharing your journey, Aussie. A lot of what you described resonates with me. I hope this period of time apart is refreshing for your soul.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Aussie Life Update

"Learning to love with an open hand"... thank you for sharing that. It's a perfect metaphor and, as someone who can find it challenging at times, really resonates with me.

 

[Endless_Night]

Aussie Life Update

It's a challenge to feel that hard, but a gift to find someone you can talk to from the heart.

The best to you and The Librarian.

And,

Always.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I think the bigger challenge is to recognize how easy it is to suppress your feelings to match the capability of your partner. When there's a significant difference and a lack of awareness... It hurts all round

 

[aussiegeekygal]

A Question For You

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I hope this period of time apart is refreshing for your soul.

I'm going to carry that sentiment with me. Thank you for the reminder

 

[Endless_Night]

I think the bigger challenge is to recognize how easy it is to suppress your feelings to match the capability of your partner. When there's a significant difference and a lack of awareness... It hurts all round

This, I think, is not uncommon with women. My SO has several friends or work colleagues who've been going through middle-age divorces. To a man, they've all been flabbergasted. They had no idea anything was wrong.

Most of the people I don't know well. Of the rest, seeing one or two of those couples in social interaction, it's hard to fathom how they didn't realize the complete disconnect of any type of personal intimacy.

A Question For You

So, I was going to post my answer, but . . . . we're not doing that now?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

This, I think, is not uncommon with women. My SO has several friends or work colleagues who've been going through middle-age divorces. To a man, they've all been flabbergasted. They had no idea anything was wrong.

Most of the people I don't know well. Of the rest, seeing one or two of those couples in social interaction, it's hard to fathom how they didn't realize the complete disconnect of any type of personal intimacy.


So, I was going to post my answer, but . . . . we're not doing that now?

You can- I edited the link and thought I'd fixed it. I just realized I didn't save it correctly, ugh

*Edit to add* FIXED IT

 

[Endless_Night]

A Question For You

People love so differently. From deep and enduring to the most ephemeral of feeling that a whiff of disagreement will blow away. It can be problematic when two people love at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Marriage versus marriage with children is a completely different animal. It's a tacit agreement to . . . well, give up self. Give up autonomy. At least for that slated period of time. Too, it changes emotional intimacy within a coupled relationship. It's a lot

* * *
Rights versus responsibility. When I was very young, it was all about personal responsibility. Now it seems to be all about personal rights. It is very, very differen.

From my limited (Meaning curriculum required. ) history classes, I don't find it too surprising. Our social views seem to do a slow swing from one extreme to the other, colored slightly different at each historical point due to . . . well, a lot of surrounding factors.

We seem to be at the further end of one of those rights trump responsibility swings.

* * *
As far as living large? Perhaps? At least, according to their own lights. But as far as the continual expansion I think you're talking about, no. I don't think that's a focus for most people.

 

[dkak001]

This week I had one of the hardest conversations of my life. Through sobbing tears, I told Mr. Aussie how scared I was to fall in love with another man. We both could feel it happening and although he'd already come to accept it, I very much hadn't. Things get very complicated because he's married to my husband's girlfriend.

I did not expect for any of this to happen.
...

So, Hi!

I'm not sure how I missed this thread. (Actually I think I do, but it's a long story...)
Anyway, your DMs appear to be off. Just wanted to say Hi, and that I may spend some time catching up so you might see a lot of Likes/Thumbs Up, etc. pop up in your notifications.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I appreciate the note.
I have all notifications turned off so I won't notice and appreciate your dropping by and letting me know all the same

 

[aussiegeekygal]

For women who are tied to the moon,

love alone is not enough.

We insist each day wrap it’s knuckles through our heart strings and pull.

The lows. The joy. The poetry.

We dance at the edge of a cliff, you have fallen off.

So it goes. You will climb up again.

You rare girl, once again, you have a body that belongs to no lover, to no father, belongs to no one but you.

Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm.

Like a shawl to keep you warm at night.

Don’t mourn the love that is lost to you now.

It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse. Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body.

You loved a man who treated you like absinthe, half poison and half god.

He tried to sweeten you, to water you down. So you left.

And now you have your heart all to yourself again.

A heart like a stone cottage.

Heart like a lover’s diary.

Hope like an ocean.

― Letter from Anais Nin to Clementine von Radics

 

[LadyLascivious1]

For women who are tied to the moon,

love alone is not enough.

We insist each day wrap it’s knuckles through our heart strings and pull.

The lows. The joy. The poetry.

We dance at the edge of a cliff, you have fallen off.

So it goes. You will climb up again.

You rare girl, once again, you have a body that belongs to no lover, to no father, belongs to no one but you.

Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm.

Like a shawl to keep you warm at night.

Don’t mourn the love that is lost to you now.

It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse. Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body.

You loved a man who treated you like absinthe, half poison and half god.

He tried to sweeten you, to water you down. So you left.

And now you have your heart all to yourself again.

A heart like a stone cottage.

Heart like a lover’s diary.

Hope like an ocean.

― Letter from Anais Nin to Clementine von Radics

Her unexpurgated journals are fantastic too!

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Her unexpurgated journals are fantastic too!

I'm starting to understand why we like each other so much