Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[StillRain]

It's a long one, but that's because it's a lot:

Again, please break the link if you quote this. Please, and thank you

AGG. I had a major stroke in January 2023, with brain surgery and a significant period of rehab and time off work and can relate to so much of what you have said in this vocaroo. It changed all of the things. ALL of them. If you want to chat reach out.

 

[LadyLascivious1]

It's a long one, but that's because it's a lot:

Again, please break the link if you quote this. Please, and thank you

I think I missed this originally while I was on vacation.

That is a lot to go through and the timing with everything else going on really unfortunate. I admire you for being so open and self aware as you’re working through it all. I really hope some opportunities arise that allow you to build more positive pathways in regards to Mr. Aussie.

It wasn’t a brain injury, but I spent most of December and January in either excruciating pain, the hospital, or drugged in bed before and after surgery. I’ve never been that ill nor taken off that much work. Being somewhat dependent was so incredibly foreign to me. And really fucking uncomfortable - and I don’t mean physically. It made me question a lot of things and I think permanently changed my perspective in certain ways. I most definitely cherish the people who were there for me even more than I did before. That support and love during a time when I needed it the most is permanently tattooed on my brain and heart.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I really hope some opportunities arise that allow you to build more positive pathways in regards to Mr. Aussie.

Me, too! More than you know.

It's going to have to be very intentional and in a way I've noticed myself putting the infrastructure in place to allow that to happen.

That support and love during a time when I needed it the most is permanently tattooed on my brain and heart.

Exactly this

I'm glad to hear you're recovering well.
And @StillRain , too.

You're both such amazing women and I'm honored I've had the chance to meet you. Thanks for being here xx

 

[Guyblue82]

I went on a date this week and got called "a whole ass damned woman" right to my face.

I like that kind of audacity.

If this doesn't become a window sticker for your car or a quote on your tombstone (many decades in the future).....

Haha

 

[aussiegeekygal]

If this doesn't become a window sticker for your car or a quote on your tombstone (many decades in the future).....

Haha

I should put it on my water bottle. I finally succumbed to the stickers

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Life is teaching me a lot of late.

The one lesson I'm really leaning into is learning to embrace what is. I'm making the most of what I have in a way that really lives up to my values of considering the net worth of everything. It's been what seems forever since I've seen The Librarian (almost 6 weeks) and it's been really hard. I miss him.

I've caught myself really thinking through what I really want in life and in my relationship with The Librarian and the truth is I want something I can't have. And I'm learning to not only accept that and be okay with it, but to also use that to fuel my embracing what I do have, because what we have is incredible. It's hard to love like this. It requires a depth of partnership I didn't expect.
This partnership is helping me in my marriage, too.
I'm really learning how to embrace the new status of what Mr. Aussie and I are.
In a way I'm single; yet I have a husband and a boyfriend.

Odd.
And kind of lovely.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

An odd ode to ChatGPT

I'm married to a really smart dude. He's a big thinker that can span a lot of different topics and weave them together. I can do the same, although not nearly as well. We've had so much overlap in life that we truly can help each other explore big ideas and it's not uncommon for us to talk about new concepts in relativistic physics, or the limitations of creating science with human bodies and how that defines what is true... Ya know, the usual talk? Lol.

Having kids really changed a lot for us because the toll motherhood took on me really affects my ability to have the energy for those kinds of talks. Before kids, I could be regulated and ready to go deep at a moment's notice (). That's certainly not the case these days and I'm sure it's really affecting Mr. Aussie.

I just spent the weekend visiting Ranger Boy and we spent a couple hours listening to history podcasts. That got me to talking about how I love to learn and expand my understanding of things, and it's kind of cool to learn to look at things from different angles and get a better understanding of the world. After I said this he mentioned that I'm the only person in his life that he can think of that truly expands. Most of his friends are moving through life consumed with kids and work. And I get it. I realized that I have multiple people in my life who are big thinkers; my dad for starters (oh shit, this is getting Freudian). The Librarian also made a passing comment about it and so I started to see a pattern.

After a really fun talk this afternoon with Mr. Aussie about what essentially boils down to as "quantum CT time scans of the universe with and without momentum metadata" I asked him who else he could have this conversation with.

His answer; ChatGPT

What's even more interesting is I was listening to Amy Webb on my drive and she mentioned that she uses ChatGPT to help her expand her thinking when her husband isn't around to help.

Lightbulb moment!

Mr. Aussie truly is the cognitively compatible partner I've had, which is tricky because we're still not emotionally compatible. I think a big part of our issues were rooted in the unspoken and unexamined expectations that Mr. Aussie was entitled to everything of me and that I should be able to fill his needs. As we look deeper into this, I can see how resentment at my not being available to mentally spar with could build. Especially when I can hardly articulate what's going on with me. I need long periods of disconnecting to be able to reflect and understand where I'm at. They don't happen often.

I've seen a marked difference in my husband these past few weeks. As he's started to go deep and challenge himself he's softening. I can see the life return to him. It's reassuring in so many ways and I can't begin to tell you how much weight I feel lifted off my shoulders. Just like sex, conversations aren't always fun when there's the weight of expectations on them. And when they aren't fun they can start to feel like a chore. And on goes a vicious cycle...

And then it goes the other way.

Now that he can go have these conversations, he can handle my inability to always be present and enjoy the times I can. Because it is still more fun to talk to an actual person than a computer- when it's done right

 

[Endless_Night]

I've been ruminating on this post for a while, and as I'm sitting here, waiting for paint to dry () , seems like a good time to comment.

My significant other is very bright. Far brighter than I, and of a completely different intellectual type. We don't bounce off each other like you and Mr. Aussie. Our value to each other lies more in our mental divergence. There is no similarity of outlook, and we problem solve - no matter the issue at hand - in entirely different ways. Works for us. Keeps things interesting.

But the mental sparring is absent. He works in a dynamic field with a small group of like-minded individuals, so for him, that need is fulfilled.

For me, it's not. I could go back to school, but I've already spent eight years on a doctorate in a field I don't use, and while I maintain a casual interest, there's no drive to reenter that arena. And, honestly, while there's several areas that interest, there's nothing I can see pursing as a career.

Which, makes more schooling seem possibly a waste of resources? Too, I bore easily. I frequently run my course on an interest and move on to something else.

I've been pondering what to do for some time.

Your post made me realize I have no desire to learn and apply that knowledge to a field. I dislike working with people, and my interests don't remain focused.

It's the expansion itself that does it for me. That lovely little neuroplasticity in action as my brain rewires to some new concept or pattern of thinking. Whether it be academic ingestion or the ever interesting subject of how people interact and view themselves.

I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing with this knowledge, mind!

But it's positioned me to see myself and options from an entirely different angle.

So, thank you for that new perspective!

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Just know that if you decide to become a librarian I may end up falling for you

 

[Endless_Night]

Just know that if you decide to become a librarian I may end up falling for you

Can you manage crazy complicated emotionally dominate sex?

'Cause . . . .

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Can you manage crazy complicated emotionally dominate sex?

'Cause . . . .

Have you even read the last 11 pages?!?!

 

[Endless_Night]

Have you even read the last 11 pages?!?!

Point Taken!

Oh, goodness! You made me laugh so hard!

 

[tnman03]

Hey'ya AGG, I'm late to the party here but did some due diligence while paging through the posts. I've had my own experiences with head injury, traumatic brain injury, and rebuilding synapses. Not fun. It does affect your personality to varied degrees. Pressing on to build a new normal is probably more of what happens than becoming your past self. But in no way is this a bad thing, it's just what it is.

I'm certain you're familiar with the time and distance effect on relationships. Sometimes falling out of love is easier than being in love and it creeps up on you like a ghost in the dark. Only time will provide any answers on what's to come but it all works out the way it's supposed to, even if we don't see it that way.

I genuinely like you for the person you are and I wish you all of the best and more in this life.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

There is a lot of "conscious uncoupling" or "emotional separation" that is happening in my friend's lives right now. We are all women in their late thirties - early forties and married for over a decade with young children. And many of us have individually had the conversations about no longer being romantically attached with our husbands. And I've just learned this is all happening in the other girl's lives within the last seven days.

It's a lot to process...

I'm definitely much more forthcoming here than I am with others out there in the "real world". It's a hard adjustment to navigate as I share more with those around me. Turns out we're all dealing with the same shit in slightly different flavors.

I am trying to just embrace the mess that is life.
I am letting go of other people's expectations of me.
I am evolving.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

A follow up to yesterday's post

 

[LadyLascivious1]

It’s interesting how we unconsciously compartmentalize ourselves. I think the sex part on Lit is almost like a gateway drug. It’s something we often keep most private offline and if we’re willing to be open about that, it seems natural to start sharing more of ourselves - how we think, struggle, learn, hurt, love, grow, etc. Combine all of that and you realize you’ve shared more of yourself than you generally do anywhere else.

I think it can go one of two directions from there. You use the experience to continue challenging yourself and start opening up to more people offline in whatever way works for you. Or it can become a surrogate for offline vulnerability and communication.

Insidious is spot on. It’s almost shocking how those little things and offhand comments that worm their way into your brain, take root without permission, and grow unnoticed can cause so much damage. And it’s so incredibly hard to change those thought patterns after years.

I always appreciate how open you are about your life and the way it makes me reexamine my thoughts on the topics. Group contemplation and growth

 

[Endless_Night]

I think it can go one of two directions from there. You use the experience to continue challenging yourself and start opening up to more people offline in whatever way works for you. Or it can become a surrogate for offline vulnerability and communication.

I have to say, this has been such a valuable space for me sexually. There are a couple of people offline who I've discussed my proclivities with, but neither have the same interests or any real understanding.

Truth to tell, I can't even imagine taking submission real time. Seriously. My mind blanks.

I am difficult to deal with and my stuff is convoluted. So much so, it's practically impossible to find a reasonable situation even online. Real time would be an ever-loving nightmare! Oh, man.

But even without e-sex, Lit gives me an outlet to explore and deepen my understanding of myself, which is always a win.

Insidious is spot on. It’s almost shocking how those little things and offhand comments that worm their way into your brain, take root without permission, and grow unnoticed can cause so much damage. And it’s so incredibly hard to change those thought patterns after years.

This. These conceived ideas are like being wrapped in spider silk, struggling to break free.

I always appreciate how open you are about your life and the way it makes me reexamine my thoughts on the topics. Group contemplation and growth

*chest bump all around*

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Hi friends!

Oof. Life... It's been kicking my ass.

I just hung up with one of my best friends. Let's call her Bikini Gal (she's gonna love that, lol). I'm raw and tender and grateful I have someone I can turn to when things just feel too hard to carry alone.

Bikini Gal and I met during the pandemic. She and I have kids around the same age and we both joined a virtual parenting group and were fairly active in. Being isolated for as long as we were (18 months in my case) it really helped to have a virtual "village" of like minded parents who supported each other throughout a really hard time in our collective lives. We decided to commit to regular phone calls where we would take turns listening to one another about whatever was going on in our lives. Obviously, we've become very close and I can talk to her about anything. She also knows and respects that I don't always disclose everything, and she's fantastic at understanding things knowing she doesn't have the full picture. She can expand as she learns more.

Bikini Gal knows all of what is going on in my marriage. She knows about the Montessori's. She knows about The Librarian. She knows about the things I haven't shared here. And the things I have. Mr Aussie and her talk too, although I think that's not happening nearly as much these days, if at all. He did tell her about some pretty significant things that shed him in a less than ideal light to most and she handled it with grace and compassion. She's a good one

I couldn't do this without her. I mean, I suppose I could, but it would be MUCH messier.

I've been in a real funk today. I visited The Library last night and whilst driving home I was hit with a huge wave of grief. Talking it through with Bikini Gal I realized I'm feeling a loss of control that is disorienting at times, not because I've lost anything- because I'm realizing I never really had it in the first place. I'm sitting at the emotional intersection of two people's realities, recognizing that I can't provide the kind of lifestyle that is compatible with someone I love deeply. It's also realizing I don't have to (that's a concept I'm still getting used to if we're being honest). Having Bikini Gal to explore with allows me to spare both Mr. Aussie and The Librarian from my first draft thoughts, which can be clumsy and confusing.

Another thing we spoke about was how having a deep and diverse group of friends really helped us spread the load of emotional support. And the burden of being married to people who don't have that same support network. A lot of damage can be done when using your significant other to sort out your first draft thoughts. There's something to be said about using the skill of discernment when deciding who/when/how to talk about issues. I know I certainly felt a burden of expectations to be everything to another person. It was hard!

I'm in one of the "this ain't for the faint of heart" days.

Yet I can still say without reservation; worth it!

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

Yet I can still say without reservation; worth it!

Then that's what matters, right? I hope things turn your way so that you get what you want/need

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Then that's what matters, right? I hope things turn your way so that you get what you want/need

That's the thing about all of this; I don't get what I want.
I get what I need.

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

That's the thing about all of this; I don't get what I want.
I get what I need.

That's almost too healthy of a headspace. Can you be my therapist?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

That's almost too healthy of a headspace. Can you be my therapist?

I know this was said from a place of light-heartedness, but that's exactly my problem. I want to say yes, even though I really don't have capacity to take that on

 

[deefalttwunnyfor]

I know this was said from a place of light-heartedness, but that's exactly my problem. I want to say yes, even though I really don't have capacity to take that on

It's the sign of a good friend though, that you want to take on the load even if you might not be able to handle it all. Love you for that

 

[aussiegeekygal]

It's the sign of a good friend though, that you want to take on the load even if you might not be able to handle it all. Love you for that

Here I was thinking it was PAYING BACK CHILD SUPPORT

 

[MedicalMuse]

Hi friends!

Oof. Life... It's been kicking my ass.

I just hung up with one of my best friends. Let's call her Bikini Gal (she's gonna love that, lol). I'm raw and tender and grateful I have someone I can turn to when things just feel too hard to carry alone.

Bikini Gal and I met during the pandemic. She and I have kids around the same age and we both joined a virtual parenting group and were fairly active in. Being isolated for as long as we were (18 months in my case) it really helped to have a virtual "village" of like minded parents who supported each other throughout a really hard time in our collective lives. We decided to commit to regular phone calls where we would take turns listening to one another about whatever was going on in our lives. Obviously, we've become very close and I can talk to her about anything. She also knows and respects that I don't always disclose everything, and she's fantastic at understanding things knowing she doesn't have the full picture. She can expand as she learns more.

Bikini Gal knows all of what is going on in my marriage. She knows about the Montessori's. She knows about The Librarian. She knows about the things I haven't shared here. And the things I have. Mr Aussie and her talk too, although I think that's not happening nearly as much these days, if at all. He did tell her about some pretty significant things that shed him in a less than ideal light to most and she handled it with grace and compassion. She's a good one

I couldn't do this without her. I mean, I suppose I could, but it would be MUCH messier.

I've been in a real funk today. I visited The Library last night and whilst driving home I was hit with a huge wave of grief. Talking it through with Bikini Gal I realized I'm feeling a loss of control that is disorienting at times, not because I've lost anything- because I'm realizing I never really had it in the first place. I'm sitting at the emotional intersection of two people's realities, recognizing that I can't provide the kind of lifestyle that is compatible with someone I love deeply. It's also realizing I don't have to (that's a concept I'm still getting used to if we're being honest). Having Bikini Gal to explore with allows me to spare both Mr. Aussie and The Librarian from my first draft thoughts, which can be clumsy and confusing.

Another thing we spoke about was how having a deep and diverse group of friends really helped us spread the load of emotional support. And the burden of being married to people who don't have that same support network. A lot of damage can be done when using your significant other to sort out your first draft thoughts. There's something to be said about using the skill of discernment when deciding who/when/how to talk about issues. I know I certainly felt a burden of expectations to be everything to another person. It was hard!

I'm in one of the "this ain't for the faint of heart" days.

Yet I can still say without reservation; worth it!

I love that you have the option for emotional vulnerability that is safe. I think even a little of that is so bolstering, even when dealing with really hard, disappointing things.