Come take a peek inside Aussie's marriage

[aussiegeekygal]

Take care.

Thanks, love
I am doing as good a job as I can muster in that regard

 

[aussiegeekygal]

he asked me to tell him about love.
so i told him all the things i've wanted love to be.
i told him it is bottomless feelings and nerve endings.
heritage, history and shared secrets.
loud silence, heartbeats and gentle whispers from past lives.
i told him love is in the eyes, coated along soft tongues and pulsating finger tips.
and i told him this love that i speak of is one of a kind.
that love of these proportions, portions beyond comprehension, is rare.
and rarely do you find it.
it finds you.

// eniafe.isis //

 

[aussiegeekygal]

How do you know that you're doing the right thing?

You don't. But by virtue of doing it, it is the thing.

Doubt is a hard, hard place for me to exist.

I don't always trust myself and this terrifies me.

 

[Apisto42]

We need a hug reaction.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Yeah, we do

That's one of my most used emojis

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Happy New Year pervs

I hope your holidays treated you well. Mine were a mixed bag full of a lot of emotions. Overall, I had a lovely time. I've moved through a boatload of grief over the past few weeks and whilst it's been nice to be around people I love, it has also been utterly exhausting. Having young kids means there's a baseline of excitement in the house that accompanies Solstice and Christmas. There's so much joy and delight that comes with that territory. It drains me, though. The amount of relief I felt once I took my Christmas decorations down was incredible. I'm glad it's over.

I decided to go spend a long weekend with Ranger Boy this past weekend and rang in the New Year with the closest thing I have to my family of origin this side of the equator. I was terrified as I left, unsure of what would be expected of me and what I actually wanted. All I knew is I needed space and Ranger Boy is a safe space to exist alongside, so off I went. Spending time with him was exactly what I needed. I fell completely apart and he helped me start putting myself back together. He took such good care of me. We watched terrible movies, went to IKEA, ate some great food, hiked a few trails and saw some waterfalls and we even got to chat with each other's parents (that was cool. We were fixtures in each other's lives many moons ago and his parents were a big part of my life and vice versa). I left him calm and ready to move through the next phase of my marriage.

I've been learning a shit ton about myself throughout this journey and the events of the last week are really bringing some things into focus for me. They're not good, they're not bad, they just are.

I got married young. For my day, anyways. I was in my early twenties and was the first in my peer group for a long time. Although I went to Catholic school and was told I was raised Catholic, I realize now that religion was not a huge part of my life (Even though I wanted to be a nun, lol). I was raised by a sex positive mother and although I didn't quite understand her insistence on finding pleasure in sex, too, I do now. Mr. Aussie's family = super religious. It was a culture shock to navigate, especially sexually, and once the initial excitement of our relationship started to fade, I struggled with my sexuality and how to connect. That's actually how I first ended up on lit. I was searching for ways to tap in to my desire in order to build a sexual connection within my marriage. I was very sexual before and I think the religious peer pressure had no small part in my struggles.

Knowing what I know now, I can see how I slowly and subtly abandoned core parts of my sexual identity. Sometimes because I chose to, but often because I was centering Mr. Aussie's comfort. That's how I knew how to love. Things I'd do or say would trigger a negative response and so I'd shut that part of me down in order to keep the peace. Not an ideal strategy if I say so myself.

That's starting to shift within me.

I'm moving into a deep embrace of myself right now. I'm keeping others in regard and honoring my needs and meeting them where I can. I'm allowing myself to receive love (something I really struggle with) and just being in as many moments as I can as I move through this all. My capacity to allow big feelings in people without the need to control them has grown and as a result, so have I.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Happy New Year pervs

I hope your holidays treated you well. Mine were a mixed bag full of a lot of emotions. Overall, I had a lovely time. I've moved through a boatload of grief over the past few weeks and whilst it's been nice to be around people I love, it has also been utterly exhausting. Having young kids means there's a baseline of excitement in the house that accompanies Solstice and Christmas. There's so much joy and delight that comes with that territory. It drains me, though. The amount of relief I felt once I took my Christmas decorations down was incredible. I'm glad it's over.

I decided to go spend a long weekend with Ranger Boy this past weekend and rang in the New Year with the closest thing I have to my family of origin this side of the equator. I was terrified as I left, unsure of what would be expected of me and what I actually wanted. All I knew is I needed space and Ranger Boy is a safe space to exist alongside, so off I went. Spending time with him was exactly what I needed. I fell completely apart and he helped me start putting myself back together. He took such good care of me. We watched terrible movies, went to IKEA, ate some great food, hiked a few trails and saw some waterfalls and we even got to chat with each other's parents (that was cool. We were fixtures in each other's lives many moons ago and his parents were a big part of my life and vice versa). I left him calm and ready to move through the next phase of my marriage.

I've been learning a shit ton about myself throughout this journey and the events of the last week are really bringing some things into focus for me. They're not good, they're not bad, they just are.

I got married young. For my day, anyways. I was in my early twenties and was the first in my peer group for a long time. Although I went to Catholic school and was told I was raised Catholic, I realize now that religion was not a huge part of my life (Even though I wanted to be a nun, lol). I was raised by a sex positive mother and although I didn't quite understand her insistence on finding pleasure in sex, too, I do now. Mr. Aussie's family = super religious. It was a culture shock to navigate, especially sexually, and once the initial excitement of our relationship started to fade, I struggled with my sexuality and how to connect. That's actually how I first ended up on lit. I was searching for ways to tap in to my desire in order to build a sexual connection within my marriage. I was very sexual before and I think the religious peer pressure had no small part in my struggles.

Knowing what I know now, I can see how I slowly and subtly abandoned core parts of my sexual identity. Sometimes because I chose to, but often because I was centering Mr. Aussie's comfort. That's how I knew how to love. Things I'd do or say would trigger a negative response and so I'd shut that part of me down in order to keep the peace. Not an ideal strategy if I say so myself.

That's starting to shift within me.

I'm moving into a deep embrace of myself right now. I'm keeping others in regard and honoring my needs and meeting them where I can. I'm allowing myself to receive love (something I really struggle with) and just being in as many moments as I can as I move through this all. My capacity to allow big feelings in people without the need to control them has grown and as a result, so have I.

Great post makes a complete stranger want to give you a big hug. Happy new year and yes small kids are exhausting, but enjoy it. We’re at the point where we have to wake them up.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Yesterday was a good day.

Snow visited us (as it did many parts of the United States) and it is always pretty magical to wake up to the blinding white. The kids were pretty excited to rug up and head out to explore, even if it was only 18°F/-8°C. We played a little, made snow angels, tended to the chickens, and watched the local birds gorge themselves on berries that remained in our yard. Once we were done outside, we came in and I played music so to fill the house (Playlist was Classic Road Trip songs) and I danced as I cleaned. I had such a good time just grooving around the house. The kids were crafting in the living room with Mr. Aussie and I think for the first time in a while, he saw me. My silly, goofy, needing to dance in order to make it through the madness Aussie self

The night before I'd had a conversation with The Librarian that prompted me to reflect a little (ok, a lot) on my adolescent years. When I was a teenager I moved to another country as a sort of exchange student. There was no official program, just people who pulled together to make my "dream" of spending time abroad a reality. (I say dream in quotes because it was one off handed comment that got out of control and I was too young to know how to stop that moving train at the time so a careless remark landed me 9000 miles from home). Before I left, my mum gave me permission to stay, even if things got bad at home. It was her desire that I get the most out of every experience that I could and even if there was a death in the family, it was ok to remain in country and not worry about coming back for a funeral. She encouraged me to immerse myself fully and that mindset stuck with me. It was a constant practice to just "be" and I borrowed the mantra of my best friend of the time; It's not good, it's not bad, it's just different.

Being in the moment, enjoying the life I had in that moment was something I had to practice even yesterday. And it paid dividends. It was so nice to have a few moments of connection with Mr. Aussie. I've missed my best friend and I'm starting to see him again.

I'm still an emotional mess over here. This has been a season that has challenged me to my core. I'm learning so much about life, love, the universe and my place in all of it. I'm finding that being as present as I can in any one moment, allowing the past to be just that, and the future to unfold when it will allows me enough space to keep moving forward.

I am grateful for the good days

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Oi, @Lord Pmann

Guess who not only gave a blowjob, but actually got complimented on it? I had, dare I say it? Fun

On a side note: I cannot believe how much I am learning about myself. Turns out, the person matters very much with me. And the way I sexually connect with people is drastically different. I may enjoy something with one partner that I cannot stand with another.

My curiosity is off the charts right now.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Do you think WHEN someone meets us matters? Like, which version of person we were at the time we meet anchors the way we'll connect?

I think about how The Librarian met a sexuality bold Aussie and was attracted to that confidence and contrast it to Ranger Boy and the scared, confused girl He met. It shows up in the ways we're sexually intimate and I don't think that's a coincidence. And there's Mr. Aussie in between, who experienced my growth, but definitely had to grow and stretch alongside me.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Do you think WHEN someone meets us matters? Like, which version of person we were at the time we meet anchors the way we'll connect?

I think about how The Librarian met a sexuality bold Aussie and was attracted to that confidence and contrast it to Ranger Boy and the scared, confused girl He met. It shows up in the ways we're sexually intimate and I don't think that's a coincidence. And there's Mr. Aussie in between, who experienced my growth, but definitely had to grow and stretch alongside me.

100 percent

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Yeah.
I can feel it quite viscerally.
It's been so interesting to have such wildly different sexual experiences and the parts of me that come out to play.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Yeah.
I can feel it quite viscerally.
It's been so interesting to have such wildly different sexual experiences and the parts of me that come out to play.

Good for you, I think it’s just natural and confidence and prior experiences make a big impact. I see it happen both ways, sometimes people are set with what they think they like and don’t like and become intransigent others start to realize life is too short and why not try new things. In either case you’re an evolving person and seem to be enjoying yourself

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Good for you, I think it’s just natural and confidence and prior experiences make a big impact. I see it happen both ways, sometimes people are set with what they think they like and don’t like and become intransigent others start to realize life is too short and why not try new things. In either case you’re an evolving person and seem to be enjoying yourself

Thanks.
My confidence can take a bit of a beating at times, but that's also part of the gig of moving through this.
I am enjoying myself as much as I possibly can. I keep wanting to say it's hard, which it is, but that doesn't mean I'm not also having fun. Getting my ass kicked. Joyfully and face slapped. Literally

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Yes confidence is key, but you seem to have a lot of it just naturally. Just like energy confidence ebbs and flows. Nothing wrong with enjoying a good face slapping.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Oi, @Lord Pmann

Guess who not only gave a blowjob, but actually got complimented on it? I had, dare I say it? Fun

Was it this girl? Because I’ll be honest, she could have teeth like a great white shark and I’d compliment her and her razor sharp teeth.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Was it this girl? Because I’ll be honest, she could have teeth like a great white shark and I’d compliment her and her razor sharp teeth.

View attachment 2308476

My boobs are significantly smaller

 

[Lord Pmann]

My boobs are significantly smaller

That’s right, I angry reacted to that comment.

But when you say you gave a blowjibber, was that to completion?

 

[aussiegeekygal]

That’s right, I angry reacted to that comment.

But when you say you gave a blowjibber, was that to completion?

Not this time. But I was prepared to if it came to that.

(Who the fuck am I and what have I done with the real Aussie?!)

 

[Lord Pmann]

Not this time. But I was prepared to if it came to that.

(Who the fuck am I and what have I done with the real Aussie?!)

So you were prepared? What would you have done? You would have spit it up. I’m certain.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Holy suffering duck shit it's been a minute.

I got myself an office. It's amazing and I'm so in love with the space. It has big, bright windows and is just delightful to exist in. I find myself wanting to get up and go work. It's really helping me find my joy again.

Moving out of my home office means Mr. Aussie will now have his own bedroom. He's spends a few nights a week at The Montessori's which takes a huge toll, so having the option to have the both of them here will help out from a logistics standpoint.

It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks emotionally.
The hurt and associated feelings with the change of our relationship has been tense at times. I've been in some pretty deep grief and that has not been easy for either of us here in The Aussie household. I've got myself an individual therapist who is really helping me right now. I'm pretty freaking grateful for that. It's helping me let go of some of hard stuff that is getting in the way of me being the person I need to be right now. I need that, because I'm freaking exhausted.

Things with The Librarian are still lovely. I care about him deeply and I feel that reciprocated. Again, grateful.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Holy suffering duck shit it's been a minute.

I got myself an office. It's amazing and I'm so in love with the space. It has big, bright windows and is just delightful to exist in. I find myself wanting to get up and go work. It's really helping me find my joy again.

Moving out of my home office means Mr. Aussie will now have his own bedroom. He's spends a few nights a week at The Montessori's which takes a huge toll, so having the option to have the both of them here will help out from a logistics standpoint.

It's been a pretty rough couple of weeks emotionally.
The hurt and associated feelings with the change of our relationship has been tense at times. I've been in some pretty deep grief and that has not been easy for either of us here in The Aussie household. I've got myself an individual therapist who is really helping me right now. I'm pretty freaking grateful for that. It's helping me let go of some of hard stuff that is getting in the way of me being the person I need to be right now. I need that, because I'm freaking exhausted.

Things with The Librarian are still lovely. I care about him deeply and I feel that reciprocated. Again, grateful.

Glad you’re prioritizing your mental health.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Hi friends!

I'm exhausted, y'all. Life is a lot right now and although I'm taking everything in my stride of late, it's definitely been more intense than usual. There's a huge issue with work that has called on me more than usual and although things have stabilized, this week really kicked my ass.

I had a really vulnerable and hard conversation with Mr Aussie tonight that took a few goes to get right and I'm glad we stuck with it because we made some serious headway on a path forward.

I'm very good at what I do for work. And because of that I've been able to build a life that can sustain the family on a part time schedule. Thing is; I don't really love everything I do and it can be incredibly draining (like this week). Right now I'm bringing home the bacon and Mr. Aussie is staying home with the kids. I stayed home with the kids for the duration of the pandemic and know that it's not an easy job by any means (better him than me I say, lol).
I've recently found a graduate program would get me back into a field I know I would do really well in and would need to commit to full time school again for 2.5 years. That would mean a shift in responsibilities within my marriage where Mr. Aussie would have to work and financially support the household whilst I go through school. Totally doable.

Mr. Aussie also wants to go back to graduate school and I would love to support him in that.

We talked today about my fears around making the switch and he reassured me that he'd be happy and willing to "put me through school" because he really does see how I'll be able to come out on the other side with a shit ton of applicable skills that will allow me to quickly make enough to support us the other way. He's right. I am just so scared of leaning into his support. And this is a point where I have to just grab his hand and jump and trust he still has me.

Because, thing is; I really do have him. I need to show him that I can trust him, too.


OMFG: coming back to add- I just realized I forgot to mention THE MOST IMPORTANT PART of this. This graduate program is in a field that I'm super passionate about and it lights me in a way that's hard to describe. I need this degree for professional accreditations, otherwise I would have been doing this ages ago.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Another interesting thing I picked up today;

He asked me if it was okay if Mrs. Montessori came over tonight. Normally I'll answer "sure" but tonight I realized that there's an inherent power imbalance there and made it a point to tell him that he doesn't need to ask to have her over. I do appreciate being told she's staying but don't need to give permission.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

Another interesting thing I picked up today;

He asked me if it was okay if Mrs. Montessori came over tonight. Normally I'll answer "sure" but tonight I realized that there's an inherent power imbalance there and made it a point to tell him that he doesn't need to ask to have her over. I do appreciate being told she's staying but don't need to give permission.

Why is that an inherent power imbalance, it seems asking for approval would be the respectful thing to do?