Dawgs, Women and smiles

[STUDDOG]

Why God made women

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptableto have dinner with.

There, doesn't that just touch your heart?



Guess I'm a little cranky today!

Kisses to ya Studdog!

DANG!!!! ...Anna....remind me beautiful to not be late for dinner...

A KISS AND HUG TO REMOVE THE CRANKY....

Hope your having a great day sweetheart.....got me smiling

STUDDOG

 

[Raindear816]

(((((((((STUDDOG)))))))))))))))))good mornin'

 

[STUDDOG]

(((((((((STUDDOG)))))))))))))))))good mornin'

Hi beautiful Rain.....big kiss and hug....good morning to you also...

I love your sig......I can always find it myself too....smile

STUDDOG

 

[Arden]

Thought you might appreciate the humor in this!

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/IMPO/ET0006.jpg

 

[STUDDOG]

Thought you might appreciate the humor in this!

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/IMPO/ET0006.jpg

Damn sweetheart.....that's why I never have a relationship that last more than three days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's ok though.....Someone will rent me again.....LMAO


Thanks Arden.....big kiss and hug

STUDDOG

 

[STUDDOG]

Notice......

To all my Dawg loving friends...I leave today for a week of vacation in New York....you guys keep them posting and smiling.
Will miss you all and see you May 26.....unless a Coney Island hotdog eats me...

Love you all

STUDDOG

 

[tigerjen]

Studwoofie....

you didn't tell me that you were headed to NY!?

ah well....I'm headed up to Maine this holiday weekend.......

enjoy your time in NY ok?


tigerjen

 

[6bodyfun9]

Dog List

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:


1) When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2) Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

3) Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4) How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

5) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)

6) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!.

7) Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

10) Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

11) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

12) When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13) Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

14) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15) Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

 

[6bodyfun9]

Grant me a Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[STUDDOG]

Dog List

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:


1) When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2) Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

3) Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4) How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)

5) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)

6) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!.

7) Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?

8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

10) Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?

11) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

12) When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13) Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.

14) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15) Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

LMAO.......THANKS 6BODYFUN9.....THIS ONES MY FAVORITE...

9) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.

STUDDOG

 

[STUDDOG]

Dogs and Dem Womenfolk

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!


Punk 'n' Parrot

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.
"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"


Deathbed Confession

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"

"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."

"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."

And the man peacefully passed away.

Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."



Sex Over-Easy

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.

Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky ‘egg’lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.

The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

 

[STUDDOG]

Why Women Are Better Than Men

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.
*Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball ot basebll star.

*When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwhiches, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.

*Women can stand to be wrong, while men make excuses about ''misunderstanding'' and some how it is always the women's fault.

*When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and snorts, while he gobbles down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show while dancing and socializing with friends.

*When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine.

*Women understand about privacy, and don't come in until 2 hours have passed.

*Women understand that babies do not come from a stork.

*When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ''tough'' guys that they are, will ''stay calm'' until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.

*Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes...

 

[Annabelllee2003]

NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength B U Y-O N E-A L - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache!" syndrome.

N A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble.

 

[STUDDOG]

Re: NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength B U Y-O N E-A L - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache!" syndrome.

N A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble.

Thanks Anna....those were great beautiful.....big kiss and hug

STUDDOG

 

[Raindear816]

Welcome back STUDDOG

Hope your NY trip was a good one Studdog!!!! Welcome Back!

Here's a lil ammo for this thread..


guy went out on the golf course and takes a high speed ball right to his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor's he says,

"How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor said, "I 'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he had seen them.
She says,"You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!"

Kisses blown from the south)
Ashleigh

 

[Annabelllee2003]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"


He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
--------

Glad your back Studdog!

 

[Raindear816]

re:annabellee's comment

LMFAO

 

[STUDDOG]

Re: Welcome back STUDDOG

Hope your NY trip was a good one Studdog!!!! Welcome Back!

Here's a lil ammo for this thread..


guy went out on the golf course and takes a high speed ball right to his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor's he says,

"How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor said, "I 'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he had seen them.
She says,"You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!"

Kisses blown from the south)
Ashleigh

I laughed till I cried......thanks Ashleigh.....big kiss and hug sweetheart......and that Southern kiss was hot

STUDDOG

 

[STUDDOG]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"


He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
--------

Glad your back Studdog!

BIG SMILE ANNA......GOOD MORNING .....BIG HUG AND KISS....

STUDDOG

 

[STUDDOG]

The Angry Wife

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?"

"There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast."


Married Women

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.



Four Animals

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing
in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what
kind of animals did you want?'

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it



Slogans for Women

1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
8.Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?
10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.
12.I hate everybody, and you're next.
13.Please don't make me kill you.
14.And your point is . . .
15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16.All stressed out and no one to choke.
17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18.How can I miss you if you won't go away?
19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!
20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.


Adam Mate

One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".

"What is that my son", God answered.

"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night." said Adam.

"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you". said God.

"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam

"An arm and a leg." replied God.

Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked "Well, what can I get for a rib?"




Don't Mess With Women

One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.
Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.
Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says,
Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for.
Ok, fine.
So, the frog asks, what's your first wish?
I want to be the most beautiful women in the world.
Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous.
You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you.
Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me.
Whats your second wish? it asks her.
I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer.
Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his.
OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be?
I want a mild heart attack.

 

[STUDDOG]

Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".



The Rules

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."



10 things only women understand


10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


A Penis And What???


A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong??"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"

 

[STUDDOG]

Pit Bull


A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line!"

 

[tonitits]

Got a few ya'll might like.

Subject: Fwd: Swimsuit Hell


When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing suit for
the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn
as
engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a
good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the
prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has achoice-she can either go up
front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a
skirt,
coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's
Fantasia or
she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to
make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my
sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting
room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary
tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I
believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give
the
added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you
are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I
twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my bosom had
disappeared!

Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left
armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it
flattened beside my seventh rib..

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra
cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her
chest
like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full
view
assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it
only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it.

The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top,
bottom, and sides.

I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized
cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had
come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtain, "Oh, there you are!" , she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else
she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like
a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the
appearance
of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with
ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with
triplets
and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked
like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg
I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a two-piece
affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I
bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read --

"Material might become transparent in water."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Okay, two can play at sending funnies
Subject: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do!

 

[tonitits]

THe EX Alphabet

A is for the automobile which he doesn't own

B is also for brain, which was located between
his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for the dildo he didn't know I had

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't
something or someone better to do.

G is also for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard
from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.

J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in some cases, but exceptions have
been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along
with also LUSH and LITTLE D*CK.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one?
Have you ever met one?
Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was.
He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention
worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me
feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being
a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now...Ex X X X !!!!

Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z isn't for anything, just like him, he wasn't anything
either.

 

[tonitits]

"Goodbye Irving ..."

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him
cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up
the urn that he was in, she poured his ashes out on
the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers
in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you
promised me Irving? Do you remember, right after
you bought yourself new golf clubs, you told me that
we just couldn't afford the coat, yet?" She answered
by saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you
promised me? Do you remember that, right after you
bought yourself a new bass boat, you told me we just
couldn't afford the new car?" She answered again
saying, "Well, I bought a new car with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her fingers through he ashes, she asked,
" Irving, do you remember how you promised to buy
me a new house? Do you remember then you told me
that we just didn't have enough money to that house?
Irving, my darling, do you remember, how just after you
told me that we couldn't afford the new house, I found
out how much you lost betting on the Super Bowl? Well
Irving, I bought the house with the insurance money!"

While still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving
remember that blow job I promised you?..... Well, here
it comes..."