Dawgs, Women and smiles

[tigerjen]

Giggling you say!!!.....wait till you see the mailman open
your package and make his delivery wait a
minute!!...don't giggle then...that might be a bad
time......it might destroy my ego..

kISSING JEN THROUGH THE RIPS......


Your New York City local mailman
STUDDOG

You still love to make me laugh anytime, babycakes!

 

[STUDDOG]

The Geography of Men and Women

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.




B-Day Sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"



Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0

MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.


Nudist Camp

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.



Strict Sex Schedule

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

 

[STUDDOG]

A pirate walks into a bar ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."
The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."



Little Leprechaun?

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh."
The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it."

The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret."

So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off.

He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it.

So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him."


Two Bit Girlfriend

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?".
The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".



It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the...

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

 

[tigerjen]

GREAT laughs.......good to see upon coming home after
a long day!

 

[1sexylady]

{{{{{{{{{STUDDOG}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[STUDDOG]

GREAT laughs.......good to see upon coming home after
a long day!

Hi sweetheart....I'm glad I make you laugh....Now may I tickle you too....tickle tickle!!!

big hug and kiss Jen


STUDDOG

 

[STUDDOG]

{{{{{{{{{STUDDOG}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{SEXY}}}}}}}}}}}


Hi beautiful.....hope you been doing great and smiling....

Big kiss and hug sweetheart

STUDDOG

 

[tigerjen]

Hi sweetheart....I'm glad I make you laugh....Now may I tickle you too....tickle tickle!!!

big hug and kiss Jen


STUDDOG

gosh you're making go ticklelish!

*giggling*

 

[STUDDOG]

Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"




Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

 

[STUDDOG]

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management






Loose Potatoes

If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
The one that's labeled "IDAHO



Swicth Hands

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?"

"Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with."



Innie Weenie

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees it.
One night, when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner, he decides he will show her.

The man unzips his pants, whips out his small penis, and puts it into her hand.

He sits there, impatiently, waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don’t smoke.”




What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette...

What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde?
A fake blonde doing cartwheels!

 

[Raindear816]

(((((((((((((((((STUDDOG)))))))))))))))))))))

Goodmornin, hope you have a lovely day

 

[STUDDOG]

(((((((((((((((((STUDDOG)))))))))))))))))))))

Goodmornin, hope you have a lovely day

Hey sweetheart.....big kiss and hug...how have you been?

You also have a great day and many smiles my beautiful friend..


STUDDOG

 

[STUDDOG]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes...

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."



I LIKE THIS ONE......

 

[STUDDOG]

What do puppies and gynecologists...

Q: What do puppies and gynecologists have in common?
A: Wet noses.


lOVE THE DAWG JOKES.....




Bunny Love

Why can't you hear bunnies having sex?
Because they have cotton balls.




Big Testicles

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.




What Do You Mean?

What men and women say and what they really mean:


What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


What a man says, what he really means...
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
- You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!



Ten Things

The ten things a guy knows about a girl:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.



Who's The Boss?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

 

[STUDDOG]

The World's Smartest Dog?
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"



A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard
the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had



An English diplomat living in deepest darkest Africa was disturbed by a hell of a racket on his roof. He went outside to see this huge gorilla ripping off tiles and hurling them into the back garden. He rang the local police station. 'Sorry sir,' said the sergeant, 'I'm afraid we can't help you. I suggest you look in the Yellow Pages under Gorilla Hunters.' The diplomat did as suggested and the gorilla hunter who answered said, 'Sir, at your service, I'll be there in 15 minutes'.

Sure enough, 15 minutes later a mini-van pulled up out the front. Out of the van stepped a wrinkled old man wearing nothing but a leopard skin loin-cloth, carrying a shotgun and a net. He opened the back of the van, called out 'Come on Woofer!', and the most enormous dog the diplomat had ever seen jumped out.

'Good lord man,' said the diplomat. 'You're not quite what I was expecting. Are you sure you can handle that gorilla?'

The gorilla hunter said, 'Fear not sir, Woofer and I are the most experienced gorilla hunting team in all of deepest darkest Africa. No gorilla has ever escaped our clutches. I'll tell you how it works: shortly, I will climb up onto your roof and wrestle the gorilla into submission. I will then throw the gorilla off the roof, at which point Woofer here will jump onto the gorilla and, ahem, shall we say, make violent love to the gorilla until it can take no more. Then we'll net the gorilla, throw him into the van, and the job's done!'

With that, the loin-clothed gorilla hunter handed the diplomat the shotgun and the net, spat on his hands, and started climbing up onto the roof.

'I say old man,' said the diplomat nervously. 'Before you go, let's just run through it one more time: You wrestle the gorilla, throw him off the roof, the dog, ah, fornicates with the gorilla, the gorilla passes out, then I throw the net over it. Right?'

'Perfect, sir, good show.'

'But what's the shotgun for?'

'Oh yes. Well, just in case the gorilla wins and throws me off the roof, shoot the bloody dog!'


What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
"Well, doggone !"
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk ?
A Great Dane out !
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog ?
Chump chops !
What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear ?
A petticoat !
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower !
Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle ?
Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher !
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ?
Because frost bites !
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ?
He was trying to make both ends meet !
Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema ?
Anywhere it wants to !
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?



Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

You believe every dog is a lap dog.

If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

You let the neighbor dog sleep over.

You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over

"I must throw that doggie out the window !"!



.
What Are Dogs:

*Dogs are honorable
*Dogs are fiercely loyal
*Dogs are regal and striking in appearance.
*Dogs are your best friend - unconditionally.
*Dogs protect their master, his family, and his home - to the death
*Dogs are loving - they are warm and funny at all times.
*Dogs are faithful - til the end.
*Dogs have no attitude - they're always happy to be loved.
*Dogs are there for the long haul - once again - til death!
*Dogs have no ego and are perfect pets...

Just like - well, MEN!

What Are Cats?

*Cats do what they want.
*They rarely listen to you.
*They're totally unpredictable.
*They whine when they are not happy.
*When you want to play, they want to be alone.
*When you want to be alone, they want to play.
*They expect you to cater for their every whim.
*They're moody.
*They leave hair everywhere.
*They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats

 

[tigerjen]

GREAT jokes this morning, Stud-woofie!!!!

 

[STUDDOG]

GREAT jokes this morning, Stud-woofie!!!!

Well thank you sugarbritches....If I made you smile then I done good.....BIG KISS SEXY WOMAN....

Did that rip in your jeans get any worse?.....(I hope)


Have a great day Miss Jen and many smiles

STUDDOG

 

[tigerjen]

Well thank you sugarbritches....If I made you smile
then I done good.....BIG KISS SEXY WOMAN....

Did that rip in your jeans get any worse?.....(I hope)


Have a great day Miss Jen and many smiles

STUDDOG

heehee why don't you check?

 

[STUDDOG]

heehee why don't you check?

This dog only needed an invitation and you sweetbritches, will have this dawg climbing your legs looking for that rip faster the a junebug on a stove top in January.....or something like that....hummm....you won't know how fast that is.....try this!
"faster than a New York cabbie will indicate he's number one"

Hey Jen...big kiss girlfriend....

 

[tonitits]

Great jokes Stud. But where do you get all of these? Or do you just sit up at night thinking of jokes to keep us in stitches????!

Keep it up!

 

[STUDDOG]

Great jokes Stud. But where do you get all of these? Or do you just sit up at night thinking of jokes to keep us in stitches????!

Keep it up!

kisses sexy.....I find then on joke pages and in my dreams...yep.....I laugh in my sleep...


Signs You Have a Dumb Dog

As presented on the 10/19/93 broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman

Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"

Buries tail, wags bones

When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products

Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day

Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face

Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head

Thinks "Snausages" is a real word

Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman

Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out

Constantly chasing people named "Katz"




Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect

Newspapers:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe



How To Be A Good Dog

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

 

[tigerjen]

This dog only needed an invitation and you sweetbritches, will have
this dawg climbing your legs looking for that rip faster the a junebug
on a stove top in January.....or something like that....hummm....you
won't know how fast that is.....try this!
"faster than a New York cabbie will indicate he's number one"

Hey Jen...big kiss girlfriend....

Awwwwww thanx for the sweetiepie!

a "junebug on a stovetop in January"? You come up w/ the most
creative lines! *giggles*

woof woof honeybuns.......

 

[STUDDOG]

Awwwwww thanx for the sweetiepie!

a "junebug on a stovetop in January"? You come up w/ the most
creative lines! *giggles*

woof woof honeybuns.......

Hummmmmm honeybuns!!!! are we getting intimate Jen? cause your making me want to kiss your buns......slowly through the rips......

Isn't life wonderful and all because I have a lizard tongue...

Hey Jen...woof woof....you sexy thang you!!!!!


The Handsome Prince

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old
woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 

[Raindear816]

original post by:STUDDOG

Hey sweetheart.....big kiss and hug...how have you been?

You also have a great day and many smiles my beautiful friend..


STUDDOG

Thank you STUDDOG, hunny, I've been busy with classes, and kids, not to mention tackling biggbear and makin waves in the pool.
I've had a sad past coupla days, though. YOur humor has been great medicine.

Kisses Handsome
Ashleigh (Rain)

 

[STUDDOG]

original post by:STUDDOG


Thank you STUDDOG, hunny, I've been busy with classes, and kids, not to mention tackling biggbear and makin waves in the pool.
I've had a sad past coupla days, though. YOur humor has been great medicine.

Kisses Handsome
Ashleigh (Rain)

Sweetheart....I'm sorry your past few days have been sad...big hug Ashleigh....but I'm glad I helped make you smile....

BIG KISS AND HUG MY FRIEND.....

STUDDOG