Dawgs, Women and smiles

[STUDDOG]

Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the
dog."

The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."





Dog Rules, Simplified For Humans
Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.

There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground.

Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art Of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going For Walks:
Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry... eat a shoe.

 

[STUDDOG]

Contemplating Cats

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous

 

[Hornymama]

thought i'd pop in and see if i could snatch a hug from you sweet man

 

[tonitits]

thought i'd pop in and see if i could snatch a hug from you sweet man

Hey HM good to see you! Haven't seen you around much lately. Don't be a stranger! Take care!

 

[STUDDOG]

thought i'd pop in and see if i could snatch a hug from you sweet man

Hey sweetheart....big smile

It's my honor to hug you beautiful....and a big kiss also....How have you been? Is the house all finished now?

Hope all is great and your smiling Terri.....Love you sweetheart


STUDDOG

 

[Hornymama]

Hey sweetheart....big smile

It's my honor to hug you beautiful....and a big kiss also....How have you been? Is the house all finished now?

Hope all is great and your smiling Terri.....Love you sweetheart


STUDDOG

thanks sweet guy....kinda needed one today..

nope...the house is still the same...such a big undertaking...wondering if it's worth the effort or another choice would be better..it was my family home so i sure hope to give up on it but it's really in SAD shape

 

[STUDDOG]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."



There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.

The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.

The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.

The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help. As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?

The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."




"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um, okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need...a man"

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."




Foys (foyz) - n. Missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that you later find stuck to the underside of your arm.


Crummox (noun): The amount of cereal leftover in the box that is too little to eat and too much to throw away


Hystioblogination (his' te o blahg in ay' shun) - n. The act of trying to identify a gift by holding it to your ear and shaking it.

 

[STUDDOG]

Making A Baby

Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"



Cat and Mouse
There was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God's throne, and God asks him, "So, how do you like it up here?"

The mouse says, "It's nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?"

God says, "Sure."

So, the mouse gets his roller skates.

Well, the next day, the cat approaches God's throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, "It's great! I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!"



The Magician and the Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

 

[~Elizabeth~]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13)Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right.

 

[STUDDOG]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13)Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right.

LMAO.....BIG KISS SWEETHEART.....THANK YOU FOR THE SMILE

 

[tonitits]

GOD BLESS MY COMPUTER

Dear Lord:

Every single evening

As I'm lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer

Keeps running through my head.

God bless all my family

Wherever they may be,

Keep them warm and safe from harm

For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing

I wish that you could do.

Hope you don't mind me asking,

Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's not normal

To bless a mother board,

But listen just a second

While I explain to you 'My Lord'.

You see, that little metal box

Holds more than odds ends

Inside those small compartments

Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them

By the kindness that they give

And this little scrap of metal

Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them

Much the same as you

We share in what life brings us

And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute

From your duties up above

To bless those in my address book

That's filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach

To each and every friend,

bless each e-mail Inbox

And the person who hits Send..

When you update your heavenly list

On your own CD-Rom

Remember each who've said this prayer

Sent up to God.Com. Amen.

 

[tonitits]

Subject: Moms




Moms

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the

Given question:

Why did God make mothers?

1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.

3.-Mostly to clean the house.

4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger

parts.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1.- We're related.

2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in

the world and one dab of mean.

2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use

string. I think.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3.- They say she used to be nice.



How did your mom meet your dad?

1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1.- His last name.

2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk

on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to

chores.


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.

3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



What makes a real woman?

1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.


Who's the boss at your house?

1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a

goofball.

2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?

1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.

2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.


What does your mom do in her spare time?

1.- Mothers don't do spare time.

2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1.- About 30 years.

2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't

even have bread on them!


Describe the world's greatest mom?

1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!

 

[tonitits]

The Top 10 Things That Would Happen or Be Said if Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store

10) Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.

9) Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."

8) If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8

7) There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.

6) Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.

5) Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."

4) Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."

3) No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.

2) Paper or Plastic or Rubber?



1) Some men would still be in the Express Lane

 

[tonitits]

THE RIGHT AGE FOR CUSSING

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old. "I
think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year
old nods his head in approval.

The 5 year old continues. "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass."
OK?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year
old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK ! ! ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles
across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out.

The mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass
it won't be Cheerios."

 

[tonitits]

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to
"How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

 

[tonitits]

LOVE starts with a SMILE , grows with a KISS , and ends with a TEAR.

DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
ACTIONS speak louder than words.
The HARDEST thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
DON'T let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
LIFE'S SHORT. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.
Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.
BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.
When it HURTS to look back, and you're SCARED to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER.
Good friends are like STARS You don't always see them, but you know they are ALWAYS THERE.
DON'T frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of your life, but only FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart..
Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you MAD sometimes
and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!

And send it back to the person who sent it to you if they mean something to you!!
Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

AWESOME PRAYER:

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
"I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

 

[STUDDOG]

LOVE starts with a SMILE , grows with a KISS , and ends with a TEAR.

DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
ACTIONS speak louder than words.
The HARDEST thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
DON'T let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
LIFE'S SHORT. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.
Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.
BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.
When it HURTS to look back, and you're SCARED to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER.
Good friends are like STARS You don't always see them, but you know they are ALWAYS THERE.
DON'T frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of your life, but only FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart..
Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you MAD sometimes
and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!

And send it back to the person who sent it to you if they mean something to you!!
Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

AWESOME PRAYER:

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
"I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

Thanks Toni....there all .....they are all great.....kisses and hugs

Going this afternoon for some sex in the grocery store....hey...I didn't know they sold it.....

 

[tonitits]

Thanks Toni....there all .....they are all great.....kisses and hugs

Going this afternoon for some sex in the grocery store....hey...I didn't know they sold it.....

Be sure you come back and tell us all about it, ok! You silly dawg!

 

[STUDDOG]

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”



Little Leprechaun?

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh."
The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it."

The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret."

So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off.

He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it.

So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him."




Paying the Price of Marriage


William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

 

[STUDDOG]

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the...

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

 

[STUDDOG]

Biker Bar Interview

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."





Biting

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

 

[STUDDOG]

A man and woman are driving...

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

 

[STUDDOG]

Amusement Pork

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?
A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride




Arctic Hooker

What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute!


Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.



Blonde's Backseat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''



Car Crash

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

 

[tonitits]

Amusement Pork

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?
A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride




Arctic Hooker

What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute!


Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.



Blonde's Backseat

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''



Car Crash

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

Those are great Stud, especially the Blonde joke!

 

[STUDDOG]

Those are great Stud, especially the Blonde joke!

Kisses Toni.....big smile



Pre-Paid Plan

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."



Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.



A Blonde with Earrings

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.



A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."



A Flaky Blonde

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''




How does a blonde turn the light on after having sex.
She kicks the car door open.



Blonde at the Doctor's

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"