Dawgs, Women and smiles
- Thread starter STUDDOG
- Start date
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
Re: Southern Talk
LMAO Rain
I have heard so many of these here in VA. Many times I've had to ask someone to repeat a sentence because of it.
Raindear816 said:(((((((((((STUDDOG)))))))))))))))))))
Hope you are having a fanfuckintastic weekend!
Southern Talk
1. BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
2. JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
3. MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
4. IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
5. RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
6. ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
7. FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
8. Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll,and Y'all."
9. BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
10. TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
11. TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."
12. HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
13. RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
14. TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
15. RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
16. LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
17. FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
18. DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
19. EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
20. BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
21. JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
22. HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
23. SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
24. HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
LMAO Rain
I have heard so many of these here in VA. Many times I've had to ask someone to repeat a sentence because of it.
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
Bad Pickup Line
Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.
Bathtub Anxieties
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Bad Girls vs Good Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
Bedside Confession
Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina
Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.
Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.
Bathtub Anxieties
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Bad Girls vs Good Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
Bedside Confession
Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina
Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.
SexyWench
tempting fate
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2002
- Posts
- 16,559
The Cowboy
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job Number One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job Number One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
Who's The Boss?
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.
Funny Bumper Stickers
List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America
1. Constipated People Don't Give A shit.
2. That is so five minutes ago!!
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Tit For Tat
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
Firm This Up
This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother."
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.
Funny Bumper Stickers
List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America
1. Constipated People Don't Give A shit.
2. That is so five minutes ago!!
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Tit For Tat
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
Firm This Up
This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother."
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
mood ring
wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.
A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I didn't know you had a minimum!", replied the drunk.
Not You're Normal Family
A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter's bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator.
"What are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!"
A few days later the father heard a hum coming from the basement. He went downstairs and found his daughter lying naked on the sofa, again enjoying her friend, the vibrator.
"What are you doing?"
She replied, "Dad, I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!"
A few days later the mother again heard the hum, this time coming from the living room. She found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?"
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.
A Drunk And The Podiatrist's Receptionist
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I didn't know you had a minimum!", replied the drunk.
Not You're Normal Family
A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter's bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator.
"What are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!"
A few days later the father heard a hum coming from the basement. He went downstairs and found his daughter lying naked on the sofa, again enjoying her friend, the vibrator.
"What are you doing?"
She replied, "Dad, I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!"
A few days later the mother again heard the hum, this time coming from the living room. She found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?"
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!"
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
For that Extraordinary Man in your Life...
My best friend sent this to me last night and we found it hilarious. Can you imagine the commercial for this, baby?
http://www.gaynors-goodies.co.uk/acatalog/STUD-UNDIES.jpg
Didn't know they made undies just for you did ya?
My best friend sent this to me last night and we found it hilarious. Can you imagine the commercial for this, baby?
http://www.gaynors-goodies.co.uk/acatalog/STUD-UNDIES.jpg
Didn't know they made undies just for you did ya?
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
Re: Re: For that Extraordinary Man in your Life...
Thought you might like that darling, now for a joke.
Funny Animal Jokes - Dogs and Men
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
STUDDOG said:LMAO......THAT'S GOOD SWEETHEART....BIG KISS.....
Thought you might like that darling, now for a joke.
Funny Animal Jokes - Dogs and Men
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
STUDDOG said:
Oh yeah baby, anytime you want! Just call my name and I'll be there...
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
How True!!
Microsoft vs GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by asingle "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7.The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Microsoft vs GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by asingle "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7.The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
Funny Animal Jokes - 4 Smart Dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
~Elizabeth~
His horny lil devil
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2002
- Posts
- 44,368
Colors and Your Sex Life
The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently - it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, in (oops, that should be "the") ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic - not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy and admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hat e to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadist in nature. They are moody people and often perform at there peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialog; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm - but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partners back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you " often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GRAY: The color gray, a preferred color by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including color - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension, but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partners need. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.
THE END
What color do you find you use most?
The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently - it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, in (oops, that should be "the") ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic - not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy and admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hat e to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadist in nature. They are moody people and often perform at there peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialog; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm - but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partners back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you " often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GRAY: The color gray, a preferred color by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything - including color - so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension, but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partners need. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.
THE END
What color do you find you use most?
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
tonitits said:
Hey sweetheart......I'm here....just been really busy at work.....
How have you been....I hope wonderful....big smile
kisses and hugs Toni
STUDDOG
Red Tomatoes
A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."
This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.
A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...
"have your tomatoes turned red?"
"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."
Drunk Man
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"
Hot E-mail
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
In The Hotel Lobby
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
What Position?
"Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the new groom to his new bride.
"What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."
Kids Seem To Like Her
After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she's a good cook and the kids seem to like her."
Which Way?
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
What Position?
"Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the new groom to his new bride.
"What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."
Kids Seem To Like Her
After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she's a good cook and the kids seem to like her."
Which Way?
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
rosylady said:
And my fur is still standing....you ruffle so good sexy!!!!!!
Big kiss and hug Rosy...
Four Animals
A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?'
The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it
tonitits
MS. T
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2002
- Posts
- 25,852
STUDDOG said:Hey sweetheart......I'm here....just been really busy at work.....
How have you been....I hope wonderful....big smile
kisses and hugs Toni
STUDDOG
Red Tomatoes
A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."
This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.
A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...
"have your tomatoes turned red?"
"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."
Drunk Man
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"
Hot E-mail
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Doing pretty good here! Don't work sooo hard! Miss your great humor and making us all smile. You know you are our official Ambassador of Smiles! ((((((((((Stud))))))))
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
tonitits said:Doing pretty good here! Don't work sooo hard! Miss your great humor and making us all smile. You know you are our official Ambassador of Smiles! ((((((((((Stud))))))))
You my sweet wonderful friend Toni and you always make me smile.....big kiss beautiful....you Texas Sexy sweetcakes you!!!!
some silly smiles.......
Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?'
'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'
What's a cow's favourite love song?
When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.
Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.
Will: Pity it's not on her head.
Hilda: I love cookies.
Tilda: That's because you're crackers.
Freda: Boys whisper they love me.
Fred: Well, they wouldn't admit it out loud, would they?
What do you call an amorous insect?
The love bug.
What did one amorous flea say to the other?
I love you aw-flea.
How did the octopus lovers walk down the road?
Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?
With love and hisses.
What do lovesick owls say when it's raining?
Too-wet-to-woo.
How do you catch a runaway dog ?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone !
What dog loves to take bubble baths ?
A shampoodle !
What kind of dog does a vampire prefer ?
Any kind of bloodhound !
What dogs are best for sending telegrams ?
Wire haired terriers !!
What do you call a happy Lassie ?
A jolly collie !
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia ?
A dingo-ling !
What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers ?
A bud hound !
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot ?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw !
What is the dogs favourite city ?
New Yorkie !
Who is the dogs favourite comedian ?
Growlcho Marx !
STUDDOG
Irish Eyes Are Shining
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2002
- Posts
- 6,327
Memories
A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."
The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said, "Power."
The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to
sing, "Precious Memories."
Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."
The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said, "Power."
The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to
sing, "Precious Memories."
Sleeping Pills
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
