Dear X

[IhateClowns]

Dear spork,

Why do you have such an identity crisis? Are you a fork? Are you a spoon? We have ha to invent a word that tries to describe what kind of utensil you are. Why be called a spork? Why not a foon? I know that we couldn't call you a spook because only people below the Mason-Dixon line would feel comfortable asking for a spook. Especially at KFC.

I think you are very useful spork. You not only help me dig easier into my chicken, but you also kick ass when it comes to scooping up my mashed potatoes. There is only one utensil in this world that not only be use for eating a salad with, but can double or a soup spoon as well.

Why did I have to ever learn which fork To start with. Which side of the plate the knife goes on. That was a waste of time. All I needed was you. You are te Swiss army knife of the cabinet drawer and for that I salute you.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Dear second pair of old jeans,

I sense you are hanging on by a thread (pardon the pun). I need you to hang on, just a couple more weeks. You're probably feeling abandoned because that other pair split (again pardon the pun), but don't feel that way. I am still here and so is your friend - darker denim.

I need you to hang in there. I need you to remember that though you may feel a bare (pardon the pun) spot in your heart, it can be filled by me. I will retire you in a few weeks when I have a little extra cash, but I won't enjoy doing it. I'll miss you and when we part ways it will be on good terms unlike the traitor who went before you.

~ Red

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

Dear hot chick with huge tits who gave me a cuddle and a smooch on the cheek at the bar,

Thank you for fueling my 'bate fantasies for the next month. I feel like I should award you with a trophy or something. You've made a man happy tonight.

My AW-CAWWWK and I thank you.

Love,

NRJ

 

[respeito]

dear panera bread,

i would love to frequent your lovely establishment more often, but that would require you lowering your prices (i'd be foolish to think that would ever happen). i'm sorry but your food is not laced with gold (is it?). these are tough times and as much as i would love to enjoy your hand tossed premium signature salads, my money would go much further dining at subway.

unless - you guys wouldn't consider implementing a dollar menu or featuring a five dollar sammie each month, would you? think it over. have your people call my people. we'll do lunch.

okay i don't have any people... but think about it.

my best,

respeito

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Dear D,

Another week. There were some positives and we had some good discussions. I will never understand this, but I'm doing my best.

But you have to take care of yourself. Like this morning. Most of that could have been avoided. You know what you need. It's sucks to start the day this way.

Tired, frustrated, and still scared

Me

 

[fathom7]

Dear Food and Drug Administration:

First -- thank you because without you I wouldn't have the career I have.

Second -- if you continue to be as you are two things are going to happen -- I am going to ratchet up my skills and demonstrate once again that you are overmatched in wit battles -- as in you tend to go into those contests only half-armed AND I am going to be working harder and longer than I want to just now.

Third -- as penance for your making me work harder and longer than I want to just now -- the final outcome is likely to be even more embarrassing than you can imagine.

Now -- I would love to continue to work with you, help you, consider your position and compromise but when you get arbitrary and frankly ridiculous -- it just has to be pointed out -- your choice -- in discussion or in court. Please choose carefully.

Your humble adversary.

BTW -- If your efforts are so wonderful -- why all the TV ads insisting that folks wishing to sue call the number 1-800-BAD-DRUG?

 

[TheSilverLining]

Dear X, X and X

You just couldn't help it could you?
Had to go rain on my fucking parade.
Sorry that I'm clearly not as good as you are, but I was chuffed to bits. Better than that, I was actually proud of myself for once.
Cheers. Fucking up-yer-own-arsed bitches.

Me (who will clearly never be as good as you are, eh?)

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Blonde Bitch,

Your reign or terror is coming to an end. I hope you are proud of vindictive self. At the end of the day we win. I always knew we would. No matter what you throw at us.

Your list of 'wants' is ridiculous. Prints...really??????

He's so going to scorch your earth. He's also had an attitude adjustment. Oh...it wasn't so much me loving him to bits that brought about this newfound strength and attitude about you...it is the lifting of the veil and the ability to see how you play the game. And it was a game, you vile, pug-nosed blonde, no one is ever going to want you...that's what you said. You were right.

I hope your show is an abysmal fail. I hope every dream I have of you comes true. I hope you know that when you are referred to by anyone in his family, or my own it is ugly...but more than that, I hope you care. I know you do.

That just smacks of satisfaction.

You've brought unhappiness, fear and anxiousness wherever you were, and with whatever you did. Merely by being selfish, unthinking and unkind. It will be interesting to someday find out how that all worked out (or not) for you.

I'll not let you hurt him...EVER again.

 

[Jacqueline_]

Dear X,

I wasn't aware of this, but watching hot girls use power tools totally does it for me. I kinda want to drill you against the wall, would you be amenable to that? Haha, but seriously, I nearly fell off a ladder ogling you. Be less attractive tomorrow, for safety reasons if little else.

J

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Dear X,

I don't get it - you are so successful with an engaging mind and spirited personality, yet there you sit in such harsh judgement of everyone around you! Is it possible to just let go and let people be who they are? why are your standards and expectations the only ones people have to live up to? Can't they just live their own lives? Your elitism is tiring, unnerving, and ultimately pushing me away - it doesn't have to be so difficult.

a confused and hurt friend

 

[Sensualdreamer]

Dear person w/ OCS

When I married you I knew you were an only child. What I didn't realise is just how much OCS had impacted you. You are a selfish and uncaring person. You have no compassion for others. You only care how their situation impacts you.

You're "Oh great, I hope I don't catch what you have" comment about my health really drives it home and proves that you're a person who only cares about himself.

In the time we've been married I've sacrificed and given the best of myself to you and you never deserved it. I often did what you wanted b/c I was tired of the temper tantrums you would throw when you didn't get your way...very mature

I'm counting the days when I can burn up our marriage certificate...Me

 

[fungatorgurl101]

Dear Weather -

I know that rain is a good thing most of the time. But really you can stop now. As a matter a fact I would prefer that you did. Waking with a headache is just not fun honestly! And then having to listen to you on my window making me want to go back to sleep when I have to work, that's not even nice!!! SO allow me to say YOU SUCK!!!

Wanting to go back under the covers Litster

 

[SweetlyJanee]

Dear sister,

You rained hell upon me yesterday but that is okay because karma will get you...and karma's name is Janee. I am ready for round two.

Baby Janee

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear doggie of mine,

You are the little bundle of joy in my life. I love your happiness, your joy in life, the way you want to love and be loved. I am so proud of how well you're doing in agility training and how strong and fast you are becoming. We're going to keep doing this for a long time, whether we become competitive or not. (And if we do, know that I will try my best not to hold you back.)

 

[Coventina]

Dear man that rocks my world

I know it aint you're fault I'm feeling so bad, but you're defo not helping, please come and rescue me, I can't hold it together anymore

the girl at the bottom of the pit

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Dear _

Did that catch you off guard? It shouldn't have. This place - This place and what comes from it - WILL NEVER INTERRUPT MY REAL LIFE - EVER and I will NEVER apologize for that fact.

I will NOT repeat the past and that goes for every aspect of my life, including any that may or may not involve you.

I suggest you sit on that for a while and don't bother me until you can accept it.

From Me

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Dear Customers,

Thank you for being so patient. You guys are crazy though. Space out when you come in...just a little, please????

And to you..........REALLY???????????? *smh*


Signed,

a very tired employee....who worked her ass off today.

 

[TheAnimalWithin]

Dear airlines,

Fuck you. The Fly America Act is the only thing keeping you afloat. Enjoy your fucking welfare and enforced patronization while it lasts; I look forward to the day markets are once again free to self-police and your lackadaisical attitude, shitty customer service, and disgusting arrogance are soundly whipped by friendly, efficient customer service provided by companies who recognize those with a choice will always choose quality.

FUCK YOU.

A customer by regulation, not by choice.

 

[respeito]

dearest x,

i am deeply disgusted by you. i can just feel the bile rising up in my throat.

respeito

 

[fathom7]

Dear Client:

Yes -- I thank you for no longer thinking of suing my ass. Additionally you have made some good moves BUT -- what you don't realize is that the attorney you hired to do more of what I was doing for you is a good friend of mine. That's one reason I recommended him to you. Another is that he is damn good. Now -- let's stop with the bullshit in our conversations. I know he is doing you right in the things he is doing for you and I am also happy to defer to his efforts over mine in certain situations. You now have the best of all worlds and the long term outcome is going to be most positive. So stop trying to guilt me -- especially now that the veiled threats shit didn't work either. We can have a professional relationship without my having to listen to your bullshit and parse every nuanced phrase so I get to what you are trying to imply.

Your Retained Consultant

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Dear Self,

Your brother's 30th birthday is coming up. You really should go. Really. You already have talked to your parents about the kids staying with them. I know that you don't want to invite HIM...but if you don't...then that would be just cold and heartless. On the other hand, maybe he'll have something 'important' going on, and won't be able to come. It's not that you won't have a good time.......it will be the 3 1/2 hour drive to Chicago from your parents and back on Sunday........that would be the "problem." Spending that much time alone with HIM would be quite nauseating. Maybe you could drink yourself silly the night before.........then you'd have a good reason to be nauseated. haha. Just suck it up. Talk to him. Hope for the best. Fuck it. OH shit. That also mean you'd probably have to sleep in the same bed as him. fuck fuck fuck. Well that just is a double whammy sucks.

Crossing fingers and toes HE is too busy that weekend,

ME

 

[BradBigBrain]

Dear Self,

Your brother's 30th birthday is coming up. You really should go. Really. You already have talked to your parents about the kids staying with them. I know that you don't want to invite HIM...but if you don't...then that would be just cold and heartless. On the other hand, maybe he'll have something 'important' going on, and won't be able to come. It's not that you won't have a good time.......it will be the 3 1/2 hour drive to Chicago from your parents and back on Sunday........that would be the "problem." Spending that much time alone with HIM would be quite nauseating. Maybe you could drink yourself silly the night before.........then you'd have a good reason to be nauseated. haha. Just suck it up. Talk to him. Hope for the best. Fuck it. OH shit. That also mean you'd probably have to sleep in the same bed as him. fuck fuck fuck. Well that just is a double whammy sucks.

Crossing fingers and toes HE is too busy that weekend,

ME

Huh, what?

 

[Lord_Nibiru]

dear x

we've known each other years; isn't it about time you told me your name?

 

[Rikki_13]

dear x1 and x2,

you both are worthless and suck monkey balls. how i am related to you is beyond me.

x1, you suck in the fact that less than 24 hours after we found dad dead you were asking for his meds because you cant afford your heart pills. yet you have spent $5,000 in the last 6 weeks on nothing you actually needed.

x2, the one and only time i have ever needed you to truly do something for me was last night when i needed you to go with me to check on dad. nobody had heard from him for days and i was afraid he was already dead. i didnt want to go in there alone and you told me you couldnt go. your reason being you had ordered delivery food and had already paid for it.

sincerely,

so tired of taking care of your worthless asses

 

[Lord_Nibiru]

dear x

if you have a sly nasty nickname for me; best way to keep it hidden is not to say it by accident in front of me

lots of love