Do you think submission is a gift?

[cookiecat]

I figure I should come back and read through replies.

The reason I asked is that I'm starting to dip my toes back in to actual dating. I keep hearing how precious my submission is. Some guys can't wait to unwrap my gift, or how exciting it will be when my gift is finally given, blah blah.

I don't want to sound like an asshole but it stops me in my tracks sometimes. It's become so cliched and so common, it's weird.

For sure, I'm not going to let it get me all twisted up if someone says it. I was trying to figure out something to relatively sane to say instead of rolling my eyes and saying that's the dumbest thing I've heard.

You guys have given me a new take on it, so thanks for that!

 

[KimGordon67]

My submission is not a gift anymore than my partner's erection is a gift - it's a part of me, a fact, a mindset and a means to great ends. Calling it a gift is silly and dresses it up way too much.

At least you can actually put a bow around an erection.

 

[KimGordon67]

I figure I should come back and read through replies.

The reason I asked is that I'm starting to dip my toes back in to actual dating. I keep hearing how precious my submission is. Some guys can't wait to unwrap my gift, or how exciting it will be when my gift is finally given, blah blah.

I don't want to sound like an asshole but it stops me in my tracks sometimes. It's become so cliched and so common, it's weird.

For sure, I'm not going to let it get me all twisted up if someone says it. I was trying to figure out something to relatively sane to say instead of rolling my eyes and saying that's the dumbest thing I've heard.

You guys have given me a new take on it, so thanks for that!

I totally get this. I never think my submission is something that someone will 'find within me' - I always refer to d/s stuff (and in fact all sex) as a dynamic that is created by two(+) people, and is always different because of that. So my submission is created in that dynamic - it's not something I just get out of the bedside drawer at the right moment, like a vibrator. No one can just 'find' it and 'unwrap' it - they have to be involved in the creation of it, or it's just not there.

Of course, that's just me.

I do, however, think 'Hallmark version d/s' may be my favourite thing of today. It totally encompasses so much.

 

[ashkitten]

I’m wondering if the word “gift” is the issue. It can mean something special given to another or a natural ability.

If gift means natural ability and that means talent, then I would happily say my submission is a talent. And probably, that'd be my response to a dom who talked about my submission as a gift. "You're right, I do have quite a talent."

 

[switch11235]

If gift means natural ability and that means talent, then I would happily say my submission is a talent. And probably, that'd be my response to a dom who talked about my submission as a gift. "You're right, I do have quite a talent."

I enjoy submission when it is given, not taken. +1

 

[Lady2020]

I'm into cock worshipping. It's a joy for me and a gift to those fortunate to receive it and appreciate it. I will add that "gift" is an over-used term that may indicate some want more than they can handle.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I had a long, long, way-too-long post typed out addressing the pummeling that the word “gift” has taken here, and speculating on that, but perhaps fate intervened, because my browser quit and I lost the whole damn thing.

Consider that a gift — a very special gift — to y’all!

There have been a lot of thoughtful responses, though, and it is one of the more interesting threads I’ve read in a long time. (Thanks to cookie for starting it.)

 

[Master_Doctor]

This is something I hear quite often.

The whole gift thing feels a little like the Hallmark version D/s. My submission isn't a pretty gift, all wrapped up to hand someone.

But then, I feel all cranky and cynical these days so I could be way off base. Maybe it is a precious thing?

What do you think?

I too, have heard this A LOT in my years living in two separate BDSM communities. I understand where some people are coming from when they make this assertion. Many want that their submission to not be taken for granted by the one they are submitting to. I get that... no one wants, or should be felt as if they are taken for granted.

But then if a person submitting is a gift to their Dominant (which I dont have any issue with for the record) then isnt Domination of the submissive who needs it just as much of a gift? I think so. It should not be taken for granted either.

In my experience D/s or Even M/s are two sides of the same coin. When you speak of relationships... it is Yin and Yang. One needs the other to be fulfilled. A submissive needs to feel dominated, controlled, cared for, and special. A Dominant has the need to take care of someone, give them structure and rules. All within the unique structure of their mutual dynamic.

Ive had a few submissives use the stance that 'submission is a gift' to mean that you OWE them for them submitting to you... That isnt a healthy approach to a relationship dynamic.

So to a Dominant. Someone agreeing to submit to them. Absolutely it is a wonderful gift to appreciate and treasure... as if completes the Dominant and makes them feel fulfilled ... to be wanted for who they are.

In the same way I have seen submissives who have realized that they NEED to be controlled and Dominated to feel fulfilled.. to finally have that person who gives them what they need and crave, to take their hand to walk with them through life... and not having to make all the decisions anymore. That too is an equally gift beyond value.

If you disagree with me. That is of course fine. But as proof, I would suggest you ask someone who has struggled to find that Dominant... or that submissive that they have looked in desperation for.. because they cant feel fulfilled without it. Ask them how much of a gift it would be to finally find a person who is of opposite polarity... someone who finally makes them feel whole.

Master Doctor

 

[KimGordon67]

Just reading MD's response above, for some reason I started wondering is the whole 'submission is a gift' thing somehow associated with a perception of it being associated with risk - which it kind of is. But there's an implication in there that the person on the D side of the equation isn't also taking a risk. The last time I had a relationship with this sort of dynamic, I regularly checked in with him to make sure he was OK, and he would tell me how he felt while we were doing some specific thing ... and it was all the things you'd expect, but sometimes also he was a bit scared that he might unintentionally actually hurt me, and was always watching to be sure he didn't cross some line. So him dominating me, however that happened, was very definitely a 'gift' as well.

I guess the 'gift' thing is somehow associated with the notion that if you submit to someone, you're 'giving yourself' to them. I really don't know if I agree with that though ... or maybe not. But if you are, and if the D person is really committing to the situation, then I think they're 'giving themselves' to you as well.
None of this paragraph makes sense, but I'm just going to leave it there to think about for a bit.

 

[Ginlover]

Just reading MD's response above, for some reason I started wondering is the whole 'submission is a gift' thing somehow associated with a perception of it being associated with risk - which it kind of is.

I like this notion. If I’m doing a bungee jump I’m taking a risk and I pass a significant amount of responsibility for my safety to the organiser. I’m in charge of selecting the company I jump with, researching their safety record but ultimately I have to give them responsibility.

I don’t think anyone would say I was ‘gifting’ myself to the bungee jump organiser or operator. I might be raising money or paying for the experience, so I am giving something back.

I give responsibility during a scene or relationship - mostly except maintaining responsibility to communicate if something isn’t right. It might be this form of giving that some people term as a gift, but there are many instances when giving isn’t a gift, just like the bungee jump example.

Back to the D/s dynamic, in return for me giving over authority I am hoping to receive the actions to give me the headspace I enjoy.

I rope bunny for a rigger. I give my body for him to tie up and I bring the right mindset to allow it. In return I am immensely aware of the skills and time and experience the rigger is giving me back. I make sure he knows I am grateful by communicating this.

Having said all that I do understand why some people in the community do call it a gift, I think the problem comes when the giver of part of the experience becomes self entlled because of the ‘gift’ they are giving without being grateful for what they receive in return.

 

[infusednotes]

I wouldn't go as far as to say the act of submission is a gift in itself, in most cases, but there's certainly parallels with gift giving to me. The concept of gift giving in one sense could be described as providing for one's pleasure.

Ironically, I stumbled on this thread as I was publishing my most recent story. It was written and submitted by then, and I'm sorry to promote it here, but it's sort of relevant, and I would be really keen to hear any feedback if anyone is interested.

I interpreted the notion of gift giving differently here than it being directly related to the act of submitting, but the two are undoubtedly connected in my mind.

My Gifts (Blue and Red Boxes)
Naughty memoirs of a gift giving submissive.
https://www.literotica.com/s/my-gifts

 

[Ginlover]

Ironically, I stumbled on this thread as I was publishing my most recent story. It was written and submitted by then, and I'm sorry to promote it here, but it's sort of relevant, and I would be really keen to hear any feedback if anyone is interested.

My Gifts (Blue and Red Boxes)
Naughty memoirs of a gift giving submissive.
https://www.literotica.com/s/my-gifts

Read and gave it five stars. Do you want public feedback on the story page or would you prefer it in a message?

 

[infusednotes]

Read and gave it five stars. Do you want public feedback on the story page or would you prefer it in a message?

Thank you very much. I actually don't have any comments so far, so that would be very kind of you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I think that the power exchange with submission and domination is special. It can bring the joy that receiving a gift can bring especially the joy a truly thoughtful gift brings. That may be why some refer to it as a gift because it gives similar feelings but I don't necessarily view it as a gift because that to me that cheapens the significance of the relationship and power exchange. Power exchange is more than just buying an item or making something for someone to me.

I also want to point out when people give gifts at holidays like Christmas, there is often the expectation with some that you'll receive a gift as well. That kind of goes against the idea that gifts are given without expectation since it is tradition at that time. It's just not as fun as giving a gift unexpectedly.

This is such an interesting topic with many different facets. I can definitely see how being allowed to see someone's vulnerabilities would feel like a gift because we all hide most of those away so we appear strong. Seeing something others aren't allowed to see would absolutely feel like a gift.

The commercialization of gifts can make calling power exchange a gift feel cheap and it isn't cheap. However the most thoughtful but least expensive gift can be the absolute best gift you've ever received.

 

[Dreamliner]

For a while I would mention submission as a gift, but also wrap it with expanded clarification talking about trust and confidence between partners.

Outside an arranged scene between two people, the D/s is a relationship that both should engage in and work at. That is normal life. No two partners ate the same, it is not a "cookie" cutter template. The emotional connection, the interaction is specific to that relationship. Submission is a normal part of that relationship and trust and confidence should be high as depending on the dynamic there may be situations where boundaries are being explored and pushed out.

It has been insightful reading the responses.

 

[Master_Doctor]

This is something I hear quite often.

The whole gift thing feels a little like the Hallmark version D/s. My submission isn't a pretty gift, all wrapped up to hand someone.

But then, I feel all cranky and cynical these days so I could be way off base. Maybe it is a precious thing?

What do you think?

Just reading MD's response above, for some reason I started wondering is the whole 'submission is a gift' thing somehow associated with a perception of it being associated with risk - which it kind of is. But there's an implication in there that the person on the D side of the equation isn't also taking a risk. The last time I had a relationship with this sort of dynamic, I regularly checked in with him to make sure he was OK, and he would tell me how he felt while we were doing some specific thing ... and it was all the things you'd expect, but sometimes also he was a bit scared that he might unintentionally actually hurt me, and was always watching to be sure he didn't cross some line. So him dominating me, however that happened, was very definitely a 'gift' as well.

I guess the 'gift' thing is somehow associated with the notion that if you submit to someone, you're 'giving yourself' to them. I really don't know if I agree with that though ... or maybe not. But if you are, and if the D person is really committing to the situation, then I think they're 'giving themselves' to you as well.
None of this paragraph makes sense, but I'm just going to leave it there to think about for a bit.

I think you have wonderfully made sense of it. If anyone doesnt think that a Dominant doesnt put him/herself at risk is the dynamic... ill share with you what a service top came out and said in the very first much I went to... oh some almost 25 years ago.

He said, "You know what, If the police are ever knocking on your door.... its is ALWAYS the Dominant who goes to jail. Regardless of the situation."

Ive never forgotten that. He was as experienced 25 years ago... as I am now. I still cant refute his wisdom and blunt honesty.

 

[Acktion]

"I've always thought tests are a gift. And great tests are a great gift. To fail the test is a misfortune. But to refuse the test is to refuse the gift, and something worse, more irrevocable, than misfortune.”

― Lois McMaster Bujold, Shards of Honour

 

[lilcuriouscatt]

I have been a dominant in D/s relationships for over 40 years and I consider every single one of my subs gave me the gift of their submission. The gift of opening themselves up to me, the gift of sharing their wants and needs. Their vulnerabilities. Also the gift of patience and understanding as I learned all the ins and outs of their personalities so as to create the best experiences for both of us.

And I have been thanked for the gift of my guidance, my experience, and my understanding.

To me, calling it a gift recognizes that we chose each other.

 

[AnnyMouse28]

I think submission is a gift in that it is mine to give.

Yes being submissive is part of who I am. But I can choose to NOT submit to someone.

 

[Migo_201]

Yes, submission is a gift..

 

[theCARS1979]

I think that any human endeavor where you offer your vulnerability to another person is a gift.

Submission and dominance can be among the most vulnerable of human relations, and involve removing masks and trusting another person (or persons) with your deepest needs, your emotional safety, and often, your physical safety.

So yes, submission, given in honesty and good faith, is a gift — and the same is true of dominance.

Yes I agree and the psychological effects that go along with it are amazing to submit to a girl. To be spanked dominated and them using a strap on is wonderful

 

[lady_jennaxx]

It definitely should be seen as a gift when someone offers the kind of trust and vulnerability that submission requires.

To take that gift for granted, is a disrespectful waste

 

[BluegrassBelle]

This is something I hear quite often.

The whole gift thing feels a little like the Hallmark version D/s. My submission isn't a pretty gift, all wrapped up to hand someone.

But then, I feel all cranky and cynical these days so I could be way off base. Maybe it is a precious thing?

What do you think?

I think it's less about making it seem "pretty" and more about making it recognized as something to be valued and appreciated. To show it as something to be given to someone versus something someone takes.
In my - admittedly very limited- D's who understand the true nature of the dynamic, who respect their sub already understand this and don't need to be told.
I was once trying to explain something along these lines to a girlfriend of mine when she had asked, " So you just want the other person to be in charge? Maybe get a little rough with you?" I tried the whole " my submission is a gift I chose to give" route and realized that didn't really explain what I meant. That it was more than that for me. It was about trusting that person to see me and see into me in ways I allowed nobody else to knowing that the darkness would not frighten them. It wasn't just letting someone " get a little rough" with me. It was about someone knowing me enough to be able to use a tool like pain in ways that opened up places I kept shut to tightly. Not some random joker barking out commands to get on my knees, but the right person knowing when and how to bring me to them. like a gift, these are all things I wouldn't just hand over without purpose or reason.
Just my rambling .02 cents.

 

[Jerseyshore]

It definitely should be seen as a gift when someone offers the kind of trust and vulnerability that submission requires.

To take that gift for granted, is a disrespectful waste

Well put. The knowledge that you are giving your body for the pleasure and needs of both lovers is quite exciting.

 

[Acktion]