Endless Curiosity

[Inspirinious]

Submitted by one of our lovely Litsters:

For those litsters who have made that special connection, you've really hit it off, look forward to their pm's/e-mails or however else you communicate and *poof* they stop responding to you without a warning. How do you handle it? I know real life always may have a big part in that. Do you give them room and hope they get back in touch or do you let it die a slow death?

It hurts.

I wait a week or so and send them a message. If no response, I wait another week or two and try again. After two failed attempts to reconnect, I usually give up.

It leaves a hole.

It hurts.​

 

[Endless_Night]

This sounds awful.

My Litlationship was…errr…let’s go with “active”...for about a year, and we still usually talk several times a week, so I’m not sure how qualified I am to answer this question but I’ll give it a go.

Giving them a little leeway for a first disappearance is an option. I do know of a situation where the absent party turned out to be in the hospital. But…overall, I’d say let it die. Even if they do show back up it seems unlikely they are going to be particularly concerned about your feelings unless they are actively engaging.

Being online adds a layer of difficulty to judging people’s personalities. Interaction is more limited; social cues are lacking. You may find yourself charmed only to later realize the attention was more superficial than realized. Painful, but no sense drawing it out.

Of course, without knowing the situation it’s hard to assess. Best of luck.

 

[ydahecnot]

I don't try to stay down too long. Most of the time, life intervenes and she becomes too busy for Lit or decides to focus more on RL. Understandable, thanks for the wonderful memories, and best of luck. If things end in a hurtful way, I am not going to give the person the power to keep me down.

I just realized I didn't answer the question. If someone goes poof, so be it. See the last part of my answer above

 

[daddysbaby150]

For those that come here to explore interests and ideas that you SO doesn't share, is this enough? What if, upon exploration, you find that Lit is not enough? At what point does the gap between your interests become too wide to bridge? Will you seek a better fit or accept your limited reality?

Great original question and several great offshoots from there. I read stories for years and one day accidently stumbled onto the forums. I started with RP's and moved from there to an unexpected "litlatiinship" (I love that term!) that became completely life altering. It didnt last, but yes it kills you and leaves a hole that never quite closes, but it also showed me how complete I could feel with love and attention and affection and I didn't want to just settle anymore. I have learned so much about myself from the boards and private conversations that I've had with so many different people whose paths I never would have crossed otherwise. It's not just about sex either. I am more open-minded about a lot of topics and feel more free to explore in my real life. I'm also a lot less filtered with friends and family in RL. I'm no longer afraid to have an opinion or back it up. I could make the argument that all of this set me on a path to divorce, and it did, but the almost ex and I had many bigger issues outside of sex and intimacy. So short answer, no Lit wasn't enough. I am almost divorced, 3ish years after finding the forums. The point at which the gap became too big was a combination of losing that connection in the previously mentioned "litlationship", a close friend from high school unexpectedly dying, and my dad's heart issues. All of these things taught me that life is too short to be miserable. I want to be happy and free to love and be loved. And I'm worth it. So, in answer to the last question, I am totally seeking a better fit!

 

[afriendg]

Submitted by one of our lovely Litsters:

For those litsters who have made that special connection, you've really hit it off, look forward to their pm's/e-mails or however else you communicate and *poof* they stop responding to you without a warning. How do you handle it? I know real life always may have a big part in that. Do you give them room and hope they get back in touch or do you let it die a slow death?

Unfortunately this has happened to me a few times mainly when I first joined lit and started posting some years ago...none of the relationships had really hit their stride, so altho I wasn't happy to have people disappear on me, I managed to recover without too much angst...UNTIL I became involved in a serious, emotional ( tho on line only, as we never managed to be able to meet) relationship of some five years duration. We took it off lit, communicating daily and sharing our lives, including many intimate and important feelings we felt unable to share with our SO. When that relationship blew up unexpectedly, totally, I was devastated beyond belief.
The hurt and pain was as real as any " in the flesh" relationship. It's been several months now, he has vanished completely from my life after daily communication,
and it still hurts. However, I am resilient, and able to carry on. As Dr. Seuss said,
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Sorry for the length of this post...guess I needed to vent a bit!

 

[Endless_Night]

< Sorry for the length of this post...guess I needed to vent a bit!

< I started with RP's and moved from there to an unexpected "litlatiinship" (I love that term!) that became completely life altering >

You're welcome.

 

[Azuldrgon]

*smiles*

 

[ViciousTease]

Another question from our amazing Litizens:

You reach out to a Litster you think may be fun getting to know or give virtual hugs because they are going through something and they latch on but you don't feel a connection there. Do you tell them up front or drift away in the night?

 

[Inspirinious]

Another question from our amazing Litizens:

You reach out to a Litster you think may be fun getting to know or give virtual hugs because they are going through something and they latch on but you don't feel a connection there. Do you tell them up front or drift away in the night?

Interesting question.

I suspect that this is more an issue for women being latched upon, because women draw more attention/messages than do the men.

However, I have experienced this. I do offer support or helpful suggestions to others. I did have one lady who got "clingy", almost possessive. I tried to be pleasant, but avoided any indications that I was interested in more. I knew she had low self-esteem, and wouldn't handle outright rejection very well. So I became slow to respond to her PMs and fortunately I never gave her my email or real name. She eventually got the hint and drifted away.

 

[Endless_Night]

Ooooooh! Good one.

This is one of the reasons I tend to be reserved towards new PMers. (I can hear some of you laughing, but it’s true! ).

Lit is, after all, a sex site. There is every possibility a new friend will bring up the possibility of play. Since Lit is a relatively small community things have a certain amount of…awkward potential, even when just talking a platonic friendship.

A while back I had a Litster friend who was funny, witty, amusing, and interesting all around. He was also young. Young. Too young, for me at least. At a certain point it became clear he was interested in some form of cyber. I wasn’t looking for a partner, but even if I had been…too young!

Have I mentioned he was young?

I was never quite sure how to handle the situation. He never asked outright, so I never had to actually say no, but still…uncomfortable. I absolutely did not want to hurt him, but it was never clear to me the best way to not....

I suspect this is one of those things best handled on a case to case basis, but hopefully someone will come along with a better answer.

 

[Endless_Night]

Now see, I wonder if a slow withdrawal is always better or if there are times upfront would be appreciated. Personality and situation dependent, perhaps?

 

[Inspirinious]

Now see, I wonder if a slow withdrawal is always better or if there are times upfront would be appreciated. Personality and situation dependent, perhaps?

I think you best answered this with your earlier statement - "best handled on a case to case basis".

Unfortunately we may not know, or guess upfront which is the better path. And therein lies the dilemma. We can just try what we think is best for ourselves and for the other party. Definitely need to avoid leading the other person on, building their expectations, only to let them down. So we enter new friendships/relationships slowly and with caution.

 

[Endless_Night]

I think you best answered this with your earlier statement - "best handled on a case to case basis".

Unfortunately we may not know, or guess upfront which is the better path. And therein lies the dilemma. We can just try what we think is best for ourselves and for the other party. Definitely need to avoid leading the other person on, building their expectations, only to let them down. So we enter new friendships/relationships slowly and with caution.

Agreed, on all points. Though, even taking care, you may end up somewhere unexpected.

 

[Inspirinious]

Agreed, on all points. Though, even taking care, you may end up somewhere unexpected.

Surprises can make life interesting.

 

[ViciousTease]

I didn't answer yesterday, so I'm playing catch up:

I have formed connections (not relationships) here and had the other person just leave without a word. It is disappointing, but I like to think it is because their life outside of Lit is wonderfully busy. If they show up later on, almost any explanation will have them back in my good graces.

I've also had a connection ... well, severed I guess is the best word, by a Litster that was still quite active here. No explanation, just an abrupt end to all contact. That hurt. Heck, it still stings a little.

I had one Litlationship (that really is a great word!) that ended with him vanishing. Ouch. Then he showed up again, but made no attempt to contact me. Big ol' stinkin' ouch.

All of that said, the topic really hits me because I have been the offender also. Upon my return, I certainly tried to explain and make amends, but the damage was done and the connection has never fully recovered. I feel like a complete ass about the whole thing.

 

[ViciousTease]

Another question from our amazing Litizens:

You reach out to a Litster you think may be fun getting to know or give virtual hugs because they are going through something and they latch on but you don't feel a connection there. Do you tell them up front or drift away in the night?

I've been in this situation before, but it always seems to dissipate on it's own. At least, it seemed that way to me. Now I'm wondering if the "latched Litster" saw it differently.

Hmm, maybe I really am an ass.

 

[ydahecnot]

The takeaway from this: what are you wearing?

 

[Endless_Night]

First, you are NOT an ass. Eveh!

< I've also had a connection ... well, severed I guess is the best word, by a Litster that was still quite active here. No explanation, just an abrupt end to all contact. That hurt. Heck, it still stings a little.

I had one Litlationship (that really is a great word!) that ended with him vanishing. Ouch. Then he showed up again, but made no attempt to contact me. Big ol' stinkin' ouch. >

Second, I just don't get this kind of thing.

Seriously. So rude. So mean. So incredibly discourteous. Sometimes a difficult conversation is required. Sometimes things don't end up friendly. Step up to the plate and be an adult. There is just no excuse for ghosting someone on the board.

Painful as it is, it certainly speaks to the person's character. Better off without, no doubt.

 

[ydahecnot]

The takeaway from this: wha....o never mind

 

[Endless_Night]

The takeaway from this: what are you wearing?

Trust yda to focus on the truly important stuff.

 

[Endless_Night]

The takeaway from this: wha....o never mind

You're still thinking about what VT is wearing, aren't you?

 

[ydahecnot]

I am all about the focus.

To stop my derailing of VT's fine topic for a sec: it really never happens to me, as I will talk a blue streak to those who seek me out. The other direction? Yeah, and not even in a romantic sense; it hurts most anytime a woman drops a convo when it is her turn to respond

 

[ViciousTease]

The takeaway from this: what are you wearing?

Perv! (The takeaway from that: Be there in a sec. )

 

[ydahecnot]

You're still thinking about what VT is wearing, aren't you?

I can multifocus

 

[Endless_Night]

I am all about the focus.

To stop my derailing of VT's fine topic for a sec: it really never happens to me, as I will talk a blue streak to those who seek me out. The other direction? Yeah, and not even in a romantic sense; it hurts most anytime a woman drops a convo when it is her turn to respond

Hell. I hate that.

And, yet, I'm so guilty of it as well.

Not to be dismissive or anything! I just get distracted, or go to bed, or forget I haven't answered, or....