Happily Married But Sexless-- Anyone Else

[asaxon]

I think marriage is different and unique to every one involved. Having said that, I will never be happy in my marriage because it is a sexless one. I don't truly understand how anyone could be. It is such a huge part of the connection for me, that intimacy. Not only sexual intimacy. Intimacy in all areas of our relationship. We are great friends, but that's it. He is in denial that theres a major problem even though I've talked with him about it many, many times over 16 years. I've been celibate now for 3 or 4 years because he is impotent. He has no major health problems but he has major psychological hangups when it comes to sex and I have finally reached my limit. My patience has run out. And he is in no way open to the idea of me finding it elsewhere. We have two kids together and that's why I'm still here, although I question myself everyday if that's the right decision. I guess my point is that I hear people tell me that they are completely happy in their marriage except for the lack of sex, but if that's true then why is it even an issue for discussion? I truly want to understand it.

It’s lack of intimacy that leads to lack of sex. I remind my wife about the former all the time. It’s my major hang up with her. It’s that kiss goodbye when leaving, that “I love you.” If that is not there , then there cannot be happiness.

I keep the kisses and love you going, but sometimes it seems like a one sided affair. The sex is there, but less than a handful a month. But, I cannot imagine going 4 years. I am so sorry for you.

 

[asaxon]

It’s lack of intimacy that leads to lack of sex. It’s that kiss goodbye when leaving, that “I love you.” If that is not there , then there cannot be happiness.

From my own female perspective, little things mean so much.

I want to see a spark in his eyes when he looks at me, I want him to come up and kiss me on my neck while I'm cooking, I want him to put his arms around me when we are out, I want him to kiss me spontaneously, passionately without prelude to sex, I want him to call me for no reason other than to say hi, he missed me.

Do we become like part of the furniture once married for so long? There physically, but no longer seen?

Good to see a female that feels the same way. It is not a gender issue. All those things you want are things that I do and ask for as well.

 

[jjbo909]

I felt compelled to reply to this conversation as it has resonated with me, from a female perspective.

I am married, my husband is wonderful, but not very tactile. He has been like this all through our marriage. He doesn't like holding hands, he won't sit on the couch and cuddle. He gives me a dutiful peck on the cheek when he leaves to go to work. When he comes home, he heads straight to the office and I get a 'hello' when he passes by. The dog and kids get all his affection/cuddles and kisses.

You guys sound as though you are doing everything you can to spark the interest in your wives and I admire that. My husband just doesn't seem bothered. I go up and cuddle him, kiss him, put my arms around him and try to stimulate interest. He usually laughs, but doesn't really reciprocate.

We don't have a sexless marriage per se, it's sparse though. The lack of affection and intimacy can be soul destroying. I do have nice things done for me which shows how much he cares e.g takes the kids out all day so I get time to myself, lets me go away for weekends with girlfriends, does some housework, books nice holidays.

All these things I appreciate and I believe are his ways of showing how much he loves me, but am not sure if it makes up for the lack of human contact that we all need and crave. I guess I look for that in my children, dog and female friends. I get all my hugs and platonic kisses from others now and wish it was more from my husband.

Thanks for your response. Our story is similar as well. Wife is 54, I'm 58. The change was rough on her (and me too). Her libido disappeared. After awhile, she mentioned that she missed the acts of affection. Like the original post, I didn't continue to show those acts because it only made her feel bad (her thinking it would lead to sex and she would say have to 'no'). Since the loss of libido was due to menopause and some medicines, there was not a good reason for any other action on my part except accept the reality of it. I didn't like it. No one planned on this being our reality. I try to make it work for me/us. She accepts the no-libido. She has spoke to her Dr. and is trying different meds to see if that makes a change in her libido. We both are trying, but like so many before me, there is something about connecting by touch that is missing. I am the kisser, hugger, backrubber and overall tactile one of the two. Stepping out for a physical relationship probably isn't going to happen.

 

[jjbo909]

Joe - please don't stop showing your wife you love her and care about her. Continue to hug her, kiss her, offer to give her back rubs, but don't expect more.

If you can demonstrate your love in a non sexual ways, her own feelings may start to change/shift. The physical part is one thing which she can't change, but the emotional side, you can impact hugely. When you have the emotional connection, the physical may happen on it's own. For me, if you turn my brain on, the body follows. It might well be the same for other women....

Thanks for the note. I learned not to expect more. One can always hope We have linked the libido issues to the meds (not 100% but a change in her 'script was a noticeable drop). She is addressing that with Dr. with my full support. This relationship issue for couples is much larger than I ever imagined.

 

[asaxon]

Thanks for the note. I learned not to expect more. One can always hope We have linked the libido issues to the meds (not 100% but a change in her 'script was a noticeable drop). She is addressing that with Dr. with my full support. This relationship issue for couples is much larger than I ever imagined.

Hope you are on the right track Joe! The best part is that you both recognize the issue.

 

[ManoLenta]

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[JTS4jo]

So I'm going to be the jerk on the thread I guess. I'm in a similar situation as many of the commentors on this thread and the other regarding sexless marriages. I'm 50, my wife is 46, we had a great sex life, then had kids and our sex life has been in a slow downward spiral since. The past 2 year have been sexless for me at least. She gained weight when we had the kids 12 years ago. She lost it, we had another child, she gained it back and never lost it the second time around. I'm comfortable with her weight gain, but she is not and refuses to have sex with me. Two years of trying to keep the embers burning, the kiss goodbye, kiss when I come home, touches here or there and nothing, absolutely no response aside from "I'm too gross to have sex with". I try everything I can to show her I'm interested. Buy her presents, make plans to do things, do everything I can around the house (cook, clean, shopping, trash, maintenance, you name it) and get no acknowledgement for my efforts.

Here's where it gets dicey and I'm going to come across as a dick. She has told me multiple times to get a girlfriend, and unlike some of the posters on this thread and the other threads like it, I have no qualms about doing so.
I guess what makes this complicated is we had an open relationship until the kids were a little older, and she's had at least 3 lovers I'm aware of, so I have no guilt in finding my own. She has told me before she was so excited I wasn't intimidated by an open marriage, because if she didn't have my permission, she'd cheat anyway. It was so much better in her opinion that we could be open and communicative about it. unfortunately her comment about cheating makes me wonder some times if we're not having sex, or if its just me not having sex. I know she still masturbates often, but she doesn't have sex with me.

So to everyone reading this thread, how does a married male go about finding a paramour? Before you say its easy, just go to tinder, OKC, or whereever, one of our rules was no dating sites, at least none that required pictures where family or friends could stumble on our dirty little secret. Add to that I am severely introverted IRL and I've been feeling lately like I will never have sex again. Considering our sex life was never vanilla its a very depressing thought for me that I'll never have sex, let alone the kind of sex we used to have. Any suggestions?

 

[Mtnmike]

JTS4jo, Agree it sucks, in same boat here but sexless for 10 years. Sounds like exact same story of our situation except we never had an open marriage. She too has told me to find a girlfriend but like you pickings very slim to non existent. One thing you have going over me is, she will talk about it. Mine just gets angry and shuts down for days. Good luck, hope you find someone.

 

[Que]

I'm going to take a stab at this, even though it is an older thread and without first reading any follow-up for the benefit of the countless people in your situation that could use some practical words.

If you are in a sexless marriage you are not happily married. You can certainly be a Content tent for filled individual without being sexual even with yourself. If that's something you choose to do. No one gets married with the idea of being celibate. Implicit in the marital contract is that in so much as it remains physically possible both parties intend and agree to be sexual with each other and typically with no one else.

Entering into such a contract with someone and for whatever reason deciding that you're no longer going to fulfill one of the essential elements of that contract while still insisting upon monogamy is not reasonable nor just.

You first have to determine the actual reason for what is known in technical terms as lack-a-nookie. There may be instances where a couple still engages in a wonderful level of intimacy but certain sexual activities are off the table for any number of reasons. Generally speaking though, I haven't heard of anyone saying that they're getting great back rubs and hugs and affectionate kisses out of their non sexual partner.

Human contact and touch are essential for psychological help. There is central for biological Health as well it is well documented that married people live longer than single people area that would be even more true if it was true that married people are by and large sexual people as well.

There's no reason at all to assume that two people cannot have love and affection for each other without sex but if that relationship began with sex and the sex disappeared something's wrong. Most of the time it's some sort of manifestation of anger.

Two people in a sexless marriage are roommates. It seems to me when you look at those roommates without the benefit of sexual activity they're usually not very content roommates either. Not because the sex makes a person necessarily content but the sex tends to pave over all the little rough spots that come from any two people sharing the same space.

The sad reality is that when sex is not happening it within a marriage both partners are at risk of finding sexual fulfillment elsewhere. What is truly sad is how often it happens that the withholding partner is the one that ends up having a sexual affair. There really is no greater Betrayal on Earth than for a sexually withholding partner to step out on the long-suffering one.

That said if you are the long-suffering partner, this is your fault. You need to accept that. At this point you are not sexy. To your partner. Whether you are sexy to other people or not remains to be seen But when you cannot seduce the person that you're married to it's bound to have a debilitating impact on your self-esteem. Having had your confidence shaken in that regard is not sexy.

It's imperative that you work on feeling sexy. Any & everything that makes you feel not sexy needs to be addressed. Often times people in sexless marriages find themselves in a cycle of low self-esteem and poor self care.

You have got to love yourself. On an objective basis you as an individual are clearly lovable. At some point someone thought you were so lovable that they agreed to spend their entire life with you and Two Become One flesh with you. The fact that they change their mind or didn't keep up their end of the bargain is not your problem at this point. Your problem at this point is that you are not a strong confidence sexual person.

Imagine that heaven forbid your spouse passed away next week. Would you be prepared to go out onto the open dating market (mourning concerns aside) and meat and charm potential partners? Why not? What is standing in your way? Do you have physical issues that you need to address such as becoming more fit? What's your wardrobe look like? Do you have a fragrance that makes you feel sexy? Do you need some dental work? A better car? A better job?

Your only chance of reacquiring a sexual relationship with a sex with holding partner within a marriage is to become so sexy that they are concerned that someone else is going to snap you up. Depending on how long it's been rekindling might be unlikely and you're going to need all of the above attributes when your sexually withholding partner has an affair and leaves. A person that's willing to withhold sex something wonderful and pleasurable because of some well of resentment that is built up rather than dealing with those feelings in a healthy way is going to use sex in an unhealthy way in their next relationship which is likely to be a whirlwind romance followed by a divorce and quick marriage.

This stuff is serious and heart-wrenching and I wish you all the best.

I haven't read Athol Kaye in years because I want to believe that he and his lovely bride are still happily married and fucking like newlyweds. I hope I am right about him being right about how to seduce one's wife

 

[Que]

Thanks StillSexy it's good to hear from others who cope/have coped with the same frustration.

^^ this is what these threads are usually about. If being a maurder and commisery is the goal, you only need to continue to.do what you have done to continue to get what you have gotten. Attracting commiseration is easy, misery loves company.

Even on vacation and beautiful the island of Aruba been here two days and no sex my wife is sleeping and I'm frustrated

You cannot bribe or buy sex. I'm not picking on you here but I'm just using you as an example of why it is that even if you do all the housework for your life wife to supposedly Deeks Strauss and declutter her life so that there's room for sex that doesn't work either. She's got to find YOU sexy and that really hurts to think about. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Get sexy. You don't even have to be a gym rat to beef sexy. Just find a good tailor and a.new, subtle fragrance, and more importantly your confidence.

I think marriage is different and unique to every one involved. Having said that, I will never be happy in my marriage because it is a sexless one. I don't truly understand how anyone could be. It is such a huge part of the connection for me, that intimacy. Not only sexual intimacy. Intimacy in all areas of our relationship. We are great friends, but that's it. He is in denial that theres a major problem even though I've talked with him about it many, many times over 16 years. I've been celibate now for 3 or 4 years because he is impotent. He has no major health problems but he has major psychological hangups when it comes to sex and I have finally reached my limit. My patience has run out. And he is in no way open to the idea of me finding it elsewhere. We have two kids together and that's why I'm still here, although I question myself everyday if that's the right decision. I guess my point is that I hear people tell me that they are completely happy in their marriage except for the lack of sex, but if that's true then why is it even an issue for discussion? I truly want to understand it.

Bingo.

Thanks for the note. I learned not to expect more. One can always hope We have linked the libido issues to the meds (not 100% but a change in her 'script was a noticeable drop). She is addressing that with Dr. with my full support. This relationship issue for couples is much larger than I ever imagined.

There are medical issues to consider. If sex is actually painful for example or if there is no libido because of being postmenopausal and or various medications (,SSRI's are notorious for killing libido) all of that needs to be addressed, of course. And discussed, of course

There needs to be in abundance of non-sexual affection if there's no sexual activity.

 

[Dieselman49]

Same here sexless marriage think we had it twice this year so far. So lonely wife works 36hr nights two kids 18 and 12 at home. 12 yr old caught us one time. So now that is always a factor. Wife was abused as a child. Love her just not sure what to do.

 

[Intostuff]

Hi, I'm happily married. I love my spouse, my family, my friends my life. But my spouse has a very low libido and I don't. I crave physical attention they don't. I'm sure some other people have/are experiencing this.

It's so frustrating and painful for so many reasons. For one thing, there's nothing wrong with my spouse, it's just how they are and I accept that. We've discussed it in depth and they've done their best but at the end of the day, they don't really want to touch as much as I do and obviously it's not very satisfying if their heart isn't in it, even if they mean well and want to do something for you simply out of love.

So, you don't want to beat the dead horse and make your spouse feel like shit by going over a problem for which there is no good solution. Like I said, it's not a question of fault just a conflict of desires. It's tough to "get it out" because people look at you like you're a pig of immature for complaining that you "don't get enough sex"-- like it isn't a basic element of the human experience.

I've been told they wouldn't begrudge me for having a sexual relationship out of the marriage, but that feels impossible too. Understanding that I have limited time and resources, and an unwillingness to use prostitutes both because of the expense and the potential risks-- who the hell is going to want to have sex with someone who doesn't have much relationship potential and isn't even going to be their first priority? I'm not unattractive, but not hot, not poor but certainly not wealthy-- I don't see why anyone would want to have a casual sexual experience with me.

Honestly, when I read a couple years ago that some people are working as "professional cuddlers" in some of the big cities I thought, "god damn, I'd pay for that" or hell, I'd BE a professional cuddler (I mean it doesn't have to be sex, I just want more physical closeness). It makes me feel kind of small and ugly and worthless and I barely talk to anyone about it.

Cyber/Sexting, chat and phone/video is nice but it seems really difficult to find reliable people that are available enough. I'm done whining now, but on the chance that others here are experiencing similar struggles I wanted to share mine and perhaps offer a venue to express yourself. Sometimes just putting it into words makes the struggle easier to cope with.

Obviously, PM if you'd like to talk to me more about this subject.

I feel your pain in the same relationship myself. Hope you find what your looking for,

 

[kkimball]

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Obviously, I haven’t been getting on here lately, but I appreciate the posts and it’s nice to see different perspectives as well as KNOW that I’m not alone and others experience the same feelings.

For those of you who don’t understand how someone can be happily married and yet not completely fulfilled by it. I’m sorry. Still I would caution you to avoid telling others what they feel (I.e. “you’re not happy if...”). I would appreciate if people talked about their OWN feelings and not decide whether others’ are “correct” in your opinion.

 

[kkimball]

It's been good to hear from others and thank you for everyone who reached out to me personally. While my struggle continues, it's comforting to see proof that my situation isn't unusual and lots of others have similar struggles and feelings.

 

[kkimball]

Bumpity bump. I just re-read Que's message for like the 10th time. Nice to see we have our own authority on the subject.

The simple fact is there are people who are asexual, demi-sexual etc and environmental and health changes all effect libido. You can't "fix" yourself or necessarily your partner so that incompatible libidos are suddenly more compatible (though I DO think that sometimes there are solutions). Similarly, not only are marriages complex and individual few are so limited that sexual gratification is the primary reason for its utility. Basically, sod off Que, your reductionist observations about others' isn't really helpful.

As far as misery loves company, I feel that it IS helpful for people who are facing the same frustration to share their experience and insights. Not just for support but because "crowd sourcing" experiences can lead to possible improvements/solutions for us. I've already had some useful input from others who struggle with this problem.

Finally, sharing this frustrating problem in a themed semi-public forum opens opportunities to connect with partners that might be interested in sharing their sexuality with me. While that's a bandaid, I'd be lying if I didn't say I welcome women who are looking for a personal/sexual connection in this format.

 

[MileHighBlackDiamond]

Bumpity bump. I just re-read Que's message for like the 10th time. Nice to see we have our own authority on the subject.

The simple fact is there are people who are asexual, demi-sexual etc and environmental and health changes all effect libido. You can't "fix" yourself or necessarily your partner so that incompatible libidos are suddenly more compatible (though I DO think that sometimes there are solutions). Similarly, not only are marriages complex and individual few are so limited that sexual gratification is the primary reason for its utility. Basically, sod off Que, your reductionist observations about others' isn't really helpful.

As far as misery loves company, I feel that it IS helpful for people who are facing the same frustration to share their experience and insights. Not just for support but because "crowd sourcing" experiences can lead to possible improvements/solutions for us. I've already had some useful input from others who struggle with this problem.

Finally, sharing this frustrating problem in a themed semi-public forum opens opportunities to connect with partners that might be interested in sharing their sexuality with me. While that's a bandaid, I'd be lying if I didn't say I welcome women who are looking for a personal/sexual connection in this format.

I think you summed this up well, as when you started the thread specifically stated you were looking for others experiences/situations and to use it as a sounding board, not for someone to preach like they know how to fix everything or analyze what each person is doing wrong.

This is not the only Sexless Marriage thread, and I as read through them the common theme is that those posting don't want divorces for differing reasons, have tried to revive the desire and spark with their SO, for some many years on end. In some cases professional help was sought, hard long discussions by others, but in the end it comes down to mis-matched sexual desires and libidos of partners, people we still respectively love. Love is not symbiotic to sexual drive/desires.

Like many others that posted, I don't have the answers. Not looking for a magic solution, but rather an amicable one.

 

[kkimball]

Like many others that posted, I don't have the answers. Not looking for a magic solution, but rather an amicable one.

Exactly and thanks for adding your perspective. I think most people in this situation are exactly as described (as evidenced in this thread and others). Committed into loving relationships, diligent in trying to find a satisfying reconciliation to incompatible libido/sexuality and just haven't. And there are no magic panaceas, but expressing negative feelings does help manage them and I do believe that there are ideas untried so I'm open to people who have applied solutions successfully. The armchair generals though, aren't productive.

 

[glBock]

my thoughts on sexless marriages

Kkimbal, IMHO your reaction to Que was unfair. He did not appear to me as a better-knower but as a realist. Who thinks outside the box as well.

The way I see it, anybody who claims he is happily married in a sexless relationship – and who is honest with himself – values the significance of his own sexuality much lower than I do. Especially when one considers all the possibilities for erotic intimacy which are "almost sex". It seems Que alluded to that also.

For people with a well-developed sexuality, sexless is hell, quite necessarily so. The ONLY question for them: how and in which form are substitutes available? In that sense, we may be better off today than in earlier times. Virtual sex via e-mailing has taken on a larger role now.

I personally find it a decent substitute, but (so far) I have not been able to make it work any longer than about a year so far. Lack of any real-life sex may well have been the main culprit. So much for my two cents worth.

 

[kkimball]

"he way I see it, anybody who claims he is happily married in a sexless relationship – and who is honest with himself – values the significance of his own sexuality much lower than I do. Especially when one considers all the possibilities for erotic intimacy which are "almost sex". It seems Que alluded to that also"

Exactly, "for you" and shockingly the human experience covers a range of values that don't fit all sizes. I assume Que and you mean well but while it may be difficult for you to understand how someone can be satisfied with their marriage even if they are frustrated by its sex-life, unless you have some empirical data that says otherwise, perhaps you should just accept what people are describing about themselves is genuine.

 

[ludeboy]

This thread is some real shit. Going through same thing and my wife recently proposed opening our relationship (crazy, because always figured I'd be the one). Not even just proposed, but in a matter of weeks she already has a "friend" on the side and ready to be intimate with them. Heh, I'm having no luck myself, partly because I haven't entirely come to terms with the situation and partly because I've been monogamous the 14 or 15 years we've been together and I barely know how to go about it. This thread was really helpful to read. Thank you all for sharing.

 

[Bobby96]

56 mwm here. My wife of 30+ years has also lost libido. Understands my needs, and gave permission to seek sexually pleasures with others... As long as I do not leave her, which I never would (we are life partners). A former best friend of wife became FWB (just orally). Unfortunately, she is no longer with us...

 

[Meritts]

This thread is some real shit. Going through same thing and my wife recently proposed opening our relationship (crazy, because always figured I'd be the one). Not even just proposed, but in a matter of weeks she already has a "friend" on the side and ready to be intimate with them. Heh, I'm having no luck myself, partly because I haven't entirely come to terms with the situation and partly because I've been monogamous the 14 or 15 years we've been together and I barely know how to go about it. This thread was really helpful to read. Thank you all for sharing.

I am in a relationship of 20 years. We Fuck often because I'm persistant. She loves what I give her but rarely spoils me in return. She won't step out of her comfort zone and try new things and definatly won't approve of opening up our relationship. I've been loyal the whole time and I am certain she has too. Soul mates, life partners, she is a great woman. I need more though. Might sound greedy to some, but 4 years ago my life had a reality check. Something clicked and the urge to explore and live life flourished. Going against my own beliefs of being faithful to one woman, I've decided I need to pursue what I crave sexually elsewhere. It's been 20 years since I've had to engage a woman. All is forgotten and I feel socially awkward even trying. They are not exactly throwing themselves at me and opportunities are slim. So I'm with you there, not knowing how to go about it.

 

[kkimball]

Yeah, engaging with new partners when you've been monogamous for so long is NOT EASY. On top of that, like since you're already heavily committed to your partner it makes it hard to believe that you could contribute enough to another person to be worth the time for them. I mean, I'm comfortable with my appearance but I'm no hot, hard body, I'm not wealthy and my best asset is my life experience and the time I can, which obviously, my family gets the lion share of .

So I feel both of your frustration.

 

[dadbod4u]

Different situation but same frustration (my wife decided about 2-3 years ago that she's asexual, after 15 years of marriage and three kids). You're not alone.

 

[Jackba57]

Story of my life. I’m very sexual, very adventurous and just love every little thing about a woman. Although I’m 62, I’m still very aroused, love to flirt and can’t ever get enough it seems. Wife has decided that sex just isn’t all that fun anymore, she’s 5 years senior. We are absolute best friends and do everything together. Except sex. I miss it terribly...