Happily Married But Sexless-- Anyone Else

[Jackba57]

Great, fun, sexy women are out there. Searching just like us for some vicarious adventure in life. Don’t give up. They are looking too.

 

[VCAmbrosio]

I'm in a similar situation. I am beginning to think it's pretty common.

 

[Feistygirl13]

I have been hesitant to post because it is a subject that is difficult to write about. I am fiercely loyal and I too have a spouse who has issues with sexual intimacy that has led to an almost sexless marriage. However, please hold your opinions on whether or not not my marriage is happy, or not.
I am posting because luckily my husband was willing to discuss, in a roundabout way, getting my needs addressed without him hearing the details. It still took me a few years to act on it. He was already aware of my online play friends, as I had never been a woman to have many partners, I'm generally a a one man type woman. But internet is fantasy and the sexting or online play is just that.
However, moving from online to actually meeting with someone for sex was scary and difficult emotionally but it filled the need for sexual intimacy that I needed.
It is not ideal nor is it what either of us wanted our marriage to be, but I cannot fix what keeps him from being comfortable with sex and I finally stopped trying. I love my husband but as a human being, I need to feel desired and to have actual sex. I understand that it takes effort and honesty of both to even begin to try to get help with coming back together for healing and a sex life. It is complex and not simple.
I don't think that anyone here is "the jerk", I just think that everyone is different and their situations are as varying as they are. I wish I could have what I need from my husband and that I could give him all that he needs, but we are lucky enough to know we love each other and that any relationship in life requires an effort.
I appreciate this thread and everyone who shared.

 

[MutualMatureMike]

I have been hesitant to post because it is a subject that is difficult to write about. I am fiercely loyal and I too have a spouse who has issues with sexual intimacy that has led to an almost sexless marriage. However, please hold your opinions on whether or not not my marriage is happy, or not.
I am posting because luckily my husband was willing to discuss, in a roundabout way, getting my needs addressed without him hearing the details. It still took me a few years to act on it. He was already aware of my online play friends, as I had never been a woman to have many partners, I'm generally a a one man type woman. But internet is fantasy and the sexting or online play is just that.
However, moving from online to actually meeting with someone for sex was scary and difficult emotionally but it filled the need for sexual intimacy that I needed.
It is not ideal nor is it what either of us wanted our marriage to be, but I cannot fix what keeps him from being comfortable with sex and I finally stopped trying. I love my husband but as a human being, I need to feel desired and to have actual sex. I understand that it takes effort and honesty of both to even begin to try to get help with coming back together for healing and a sex life. It is complex and not simple.
I don't think that anyone here is "the jerk", I just think that everyone is different and their situations are as varying as they are. I wish I could have what I need from my husband and that I could give him all that he needs, but we are lucky enough to know we love each other and that any relationship in life requires an effort.
I appreciate this thread and everyone who shared.

I think the openness of you sharing expresses what many seem to have felt, that, whilst meeting your needs and desires is possible, it's not the ideal situation we may hope for, but it at least offers a dimension to a life which may otherwise be all the more difficult.

 

[kkimball]

Thank you Fiestygirl for sharing your story. I agree it's a more vulnerable experience having sex IRL. It can be a pandora's box, even if you've talked about it with your spouse, because unless they've had a similar relationship in the past, it's a new experience that nobody can predict their response until they are actually in it. I'm REALLY glad it worked out for you. I'm still in the internet fantasy stage.

 

[Justcuriousguy]

Haven't read the entire thread so if this is information already posted forgive me. About 15 years ago my wife and I had very little sex and it was mainly me that was the problem. A friend suggested we have blood work done to check our hormone levels which we did only to discover my testosterone level was very low. We each were put on replacement therapy and six months later we were fucking like rabbits. I take weekly injections and my drive hasn't slowed down one bit. Her doctor reduced her level and her sex drive has decreased but we still have sex once a week.

So bottom line you may want to see a doctor.

 

[Blondej9]

Sex is sooooo important

I just joined n don't know why my husband doesn't have a good sex drive. I'm so horny everyday....

 

[kkimball]

Yup, sometimes there are medical reasons that can be treated.

 

[cbrowneye]

Yep I totally feel the same way. I married a great woman, she put up with me through allot of rough years. Now times have changed, I’m stable now, make a descent living, and I’m not the intolerable shit i used to be. Kids are grown, though one still lives at home and we should be spending more time together. She tells me all the time that she loves me and is the luckiest girl to have me. However there is no sex, maybe twice a year, and her idea of cuddling is stacking 4 pillows in my lap and laying her head on them to where I’m basically jammed into the corner of the couch and smothered with pillows.

I want to get out and do things but all she does is sit on the couch with her iPad and play games and nap. She naps so much that she’s hardly even in the bed with me, and she’s worn the color off a 3year old LazyBoy couch. She has grown to almost 300 pounds, and I’ve grown to 250. She no longer finds me attractive.

She checks my phone, follows me on find my iPhone when I’m out but says she trusts me. Just a ton of mixed messages. I too am a shell of who I once was. I want to get back into shape and enjoy the rest of my life, but she just wants to sit and play her iPad.

I literally don’t know what to do. I I did leave, who’d want me? I’m overweight and pushing 50. I used to be able to get a date pretty easily, now I gross people out.

Maybe I’m just destined to be miserable and alone.

Interesting how you write you're 250lbs and she finds you unattractive BUT......she's 300lbs and you did not say you find her unattractive?? I'm confused......

 

[cbrowneye]

TBH I would not be happily married if there was no sex life. Maybe its my personality but I would't deal with that unless there was a physical issue she was having to overcome. If the situation was extreme I would move on, life is too short. Now, this is my opinion of myself and wouldn't want to influence someone else.

That's what I was going to say. I'd never be "happy" in a mostly sexless marriage. I could have accepted it if he'd written he was in a MOSTLY happy marriage, but he didn't. And call it whatever you want, but I'd get used to her just going through the motions of giving me regular sex as well. Hell, at least that's better than cheating!

 

[kkimball]

I don't see what's so confusing, he isn't bothered by her weight. Different people have different ideas of attractive or consider certain physical attributes more/less important than others. I've always found my wife sexy at any weight. She's 175 now but I thought she was sexy at 220lbs.

 

[kkimball]

I'm not happy about my sex life but I am happy with my marriage overall. It makes ZERO sense to imply that you have to be happy about ALL aspects of something to be generally happy and satisfied with it. Yes sex is important. Yes ideally, it should be satisfied mostly by my spouse. No, it isn't necessary for spouses in a healthy marriage to satisfy every need in a person's life.

PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES. For some no-sex would be too bitter to bare. For others it doesn't matter at all. For me (and many others apparently) we're somewhere in the middle-- it matters, ALOT, but not more than our spouse and marriage. There are too many other good things we value about it.

 

[cbrowneye]

This thread is some real shit. Going through same thing and my wife recently proposed opening our relationship (crazy, because always figured I'd be the one). Not even just proposed, but in a matter of weeks she already has a "friend" on the side and ready to be intimate with them. Heh, I'm having no luck myself, partly because I haven't entirely come to terms with the situation and partly because I've been monogamous the 14 or 15 years we've been together and I barely know how to go about it. This thread was really helpful to read. Thank you all for sharing.

I'm confused. Unlike the other posts here, you're not saying she's unwilling or unable to do anything or finds you unattractive but it seems y'all have decided to both see others and she is having success and you're not. Is that correct? If so, that's a totally different subject.

 

[cbrowneye]

Hi, I'm happily married. I love my spouse, my family, my friends my life. But my spouse has a very low libido and I don't. I crave physical attention they don't. I'm sure some other people have/are experiencing this.

It's so frustrating and painful for so many reasons. For one thing, there's nothing wrong with my spouse, it's just how they are and I accept that. We've discussed it in depth and they've done their best but at the end of the day, they don't really want to touch as much as I do and obviously it's not very satisfying if their heart isn't in it, even if they mean well and want to do something for you simply out of love.

So, you don't want to beat the dead horse and make your spouse feel like shit by going over a problem for which there is no good solution. Like I said, it's not a question of fault just a conflict of desires. It's tough to "get it out" because people look at you like you're a pig of immature for complaining that you "don't get enough sex"-- like it isn't a basic element of the human experience.

I've been told they wouldn't begrudge me for having a sexual relationship out of the marriage, but that feels impossible too. Understanding that I have limited time and resources, and an unwillingness to use prostitutes both because of the expense and the potential risks-- who the hell is going to want to have sex with someone who doesn't have much relationship potential and isn't even going to be their first priority? I'm not unattractive, but not hot, not poor but certainly not wealthy-- I don't see why anyone would want to have a casual sexual experience with me.

Honestly, when I read a couple years ago that some people are working as "professional cuddlers" in some of the big cities I thought, "god damn, I'd pay for that" or hell, I'd BE a professional cuddler (I mean it doesn't have to be sex, I just want more physical closeness). It makes me feel kind of small and ugly and worthless and I barely talk to anyone about it.

Cyber/Sexting, chat and phone/video is nice but it seems really difficult to find reliable people that are available enough. I'm done whining now, but on the chance that others here are experiencing similar struggles I wanted to share mine and perhaps offer a venue to express yourself. Sometimes just putting it into words makes the struggle easier to cope with.

Obviously, PM if you'd like to talk to me more about this subject.

Forget a PM. My question to you is this....Did you know she was like this BEFORE marriage? If so, there is nothing to say. If not, I feel you and you need to realize there are in fact MANY women that do casual relationships with anyone. You can find them on many dating sites, including here. They won't find you though so start posting!

 

[sunshinestate100]

Im in the same situation. Adore the wife and are great friends, but she shows no affection at all, have discussed many times over the years but doesn't get any better. Its not all about sex, as it was mentioned before just a hug/kiss now and again goes a long way.

I put it down to her self confidence, there is nothing wrong with her, good looking etc which I tell her all the time.

Just glad i'm not the only one who feels like this.

 

[Mscott9004]

I have been hesitant to post because it is a subject that is difficult to write about. I am fiercely loyal and I too have a spouse who has issues with sexual intimacy that has led to an almost sexless marriage. However, please hold your opinions on whether or not not my marriage is happy, or not.
I am posting because luckily my husband was willing to discuss, in a roundabout way, getting my needs addressed without him hearing the details. It still took me a few years to act on it. He was already aware of my online play friends, as I had never been a woman to have many partners, I'm generally a a one man type woman. But internet is fantasy and the sexting or online play is just that.
However, moving from online to actually meeting with someone for sex was scary and difficult emotionally but it filled the need for sexual intimacy that I needed.
It is not ideal nor is it what either of us wanted our marriage to be, but I cannot fix what keeps him from being comfortable with sex and I finally stopped trying. I love my husband but as a human being, I need to feel desired and to have actual sex. I understand that it takes effort and honesty of both to even begin to try to get help with coming back together for healing and a sex life. It is complex and not simple.
I don't think that anyone here is "the jerk", I just think that everyone is different and their situations are as varying as they are. I wish I could have what I need from my husband and that I could give him all that he needs, but we are lucky enough to know we love each other and that any relationship in life requires an effort.
I appreciate this thread and everyone who shared.

Thanks for sharing your story, I’m sure it wasn’t easy to tell.

 

[kkimball]

CBrowneye, she was more sexual when we married she gradually lost interest in sex after our child was born. I know HOW to find sex partners, but I'm not comfortable having a RL sex encounter with another person yet. I have one question for YOU, CBrowneye-- have you ever been in a situation like this before?

 

[MaleMid50sUK]

My take on it

I have read the comments here with interest and see there are many views on the subject.

For my part, I am happily married but sex is not currently happening. Initially this was due to the menopause (and yes, she spoke to doctors etc) but then other health issues occurred. I have not sought permission to go elsewhere and apart from Lit have not gone looking. If the situation arose (no pun intended), I suspect I would find it hard to resist the temptation but in the meantime I chat one here, read the stories or watch porn for my relief.


I would be happy with an online FWB, a regular female to chat with, not just sexual conversation either. I guess its still cheating and I know my wife would not be happy at all if she knew but here we are. Its a common scenario with many possible solutions depending on personal situations.


I have found chatting online has helped me understand these things so anyone who comes on here and bares their soul should be supported.


I salute you all

 

[kkimball]

Thanks MaleMid50sUK.

 

[MzGoldeelocks]

MzGoldeelocks and her input..

Men are not the only ones who deal with issues. I am divorced so had no sex hardly at all in previous marriage. I met my fella 4 years ago it was intense and we could never get enough. After 4 years I feel like he has stopped making a effort to be romantic, make out , foreplay . As a woman we need this. I always initiate as well. I feel like it has gotten boring. I miss the connection, the wild uninhibited sex anywhere anytime. It is everything in the same way, same robotic fashion to a point Im just want it done with. What happened to my man? And jo hes jot neglected in any way . Hes spoiled rotten. Im not ignoring him and sitting on my phone/ comp etc. If he is next to me he gets all the attention. I think as we get older we get comfy and sex/ intimacy becomes less important for some. I have to read erotic literature and masturbate to get off which sucks rather have my man!

 

[MutualMatureMike]

Men are not the only ones who deal with issues. I am divorced so had no sex hardly at all in previous marriage. I met my fella 4 years ago it was intense and we could never get enough. After 4 years I feel like he has stopped making a effort to be romantic, make out , foreplay . As a woman we need this. I always initiate as well. I feel like it has gotten boring. I miss the connection, the wild uninhibited sex anywhere anytime. It is everything in the same way, same robotic fashion to a point Im just want it done with. What happened to my man? And jo hes jot neglected in any way . Hes spoiled rotten. Im not ignoring him and sitting on my phone/ comp etc. If he is next to me he gets all the attention. I think as we get older we get comfy and sex/ intimacy becomes less important for some. I have to read erotic literature and masturbate to get off which sucks rather have my man!

It is dispiriting to see the flame burning within untended and ignored, sometimes for the kind of reason you've given, but sometimes for health reasons putting an end to intimacy.
It's only a substitute, but thankfully masturbation does help!

 

[MaleMid50sUK]

Men are not the only ones who deal with issues. I am divorced so had no sex hardly at all in previous marriage. I met my fella 4 years ago it was intense and we could never get enough. After 4 years I feel like he has stopped making a effort to be romantic, make out , foreplay . As a woman we need this. I always initiate as well. I feel like it has gotten boring. I miss the connection, the wild uninhibited sex anywhere anytime. It is everything in the same way, same robotic fashion to a point Im just want it done with. What happened to my man? And jo hes jot neglected in any way . Hes spoiled rotten. Im not ignoring him and sitting on my phone/ comp etc. If he is next to me he gets all the attention. I think as we get older we get comfy and sex/ intimacy becomes less important for some. I have to read erotic literature and masturbate to get off which sucks rather have my man!

Agree MzGoldeelocks, its not just men who deal with this. I guess there is a higher percentage of men on here than women plus men are not so good at discussing these things in reality as women. This must skew it to looking like only a "men only" problem but its not.
It seems unfair that one half of a couple loses sex drive while in another couple its the other half but that's just life.

Masturbation is a sticking plaster rather than a solution and agree its not the same.

 

[sunshinestate100]

I have been hesitant to post because it is a subject that is difficult to write about. I am fiercely loyal and I too have a spouse who has issues with sexual intimacy that has led to an almost sexless marriage. However, please hold your opinions on whether or not not my marriage is happy, or not.
I am posting because luckily my husband was willing to discuss, in a roundabout way, getting my needs addressed without him hearing the details. It still took me a few years to act on it. He was already aware of my online play friends, as I had never been a woman to have many partners, I'm generally a a one man type woman. But internet is fantasy and the sexting or online play is just that.
However, moving from online to actually meeting with someone for sex was scary and difficult emotionally but it filled the need for sexual intimacy that I needed.
It is not ideal nor is it what either of us wanted our marriage to be, but I cannot fix what keeps him from being comfortable with sex and I finally stopped trying. I love my husband but as a human being, I need to feel desired and to have actual sex. I understand that it takes effort and honesty of both to even begin to try to get help with coming back together for healing and a sex life. It is complex and not simple.
I don't think that anyone here is "the jerk", I just think that everyone is different and their situations are as varying as they are. I wish I could have what I need from my husband and that I could give him all that he needs, but we are lucky enough to know we love each other and that any relationship in life requires an effort.
I appreciate this thread and everyone who shared.

 

[sunshinestate100]

Thanks Feistygirl13 for sharing. It is difficult to explain to someone not going through the same how it makes you feel. I have talked many times to my wife about it but nothing changes and im made to feel like I am asking for the world in reality Im being asked to switch my emotions desires off just because someone else doesn't want the same thing. I no longer talk about it to her but deep down I long for some affection.

 

[kkimball]

Men are not the only ones who deal with issues

Thank you for posting! For the record nobody ever said this was gender-problem and there have been a few women who have “joined the complaint” here already.

It is true that lack of spontaneity and romance can be an added challenge, even if there is still an effort to ha e sex. If the desire is still there, group therapy can sometimes help couples communicate their needs and disappointments and come up with strategies to that lead to fulfillment. In any case, at least you know that other women and men struggle with similar frustrations and it isn’t unusual or something wrong with you.