Happily Married But Sexless-- Anyone Else

[Mtnmike]

Being on Lit is actually a double edged sword for me. I enjoy the attention I get and I have Lit friends I play online with but hearing about other people’s sex life is absolutely torturous ( I can barely stand it) I know we’re all different and for some people twice a month counts as sexless but for me it’s eight years and I don’t actually know how I’m going to resolve it.

Hi Spirtedlady, I feel your pain, sexless going on 11 years now. It's very frustrating and effects every aspect of your life. Don't know your situation but communication is key but in my case she doesn't like to discuss it. If you ever need someone to talk it out with, I'm a very good listener and do not judge. Hope you can find a solution as it will drive a person insane lol. Have a Great Day.

 

[afriendg]

Being on Lit is actually a double edged sword for me. I enjoy the attention I get and I have Lit friends I play online with but hearing about other people’s sex life is absolutely torturous ( I can barely stand it) I know we’re all different and for some people twice a month counts as sexless but for me it’s eight years and I don’t actually know how I’m going to resolve it.

I hear you, and I could be you, only I’m older and it’s been longer. It’s good to have other people to talk to who understand, but I can’t really read too much more from people who have amazing, regular sex as part of their lives. There are medical issues here, more on his side than mine, but it’s almost impossible not to feel sad and resentful after awhile. And wonder why I’ve let it go on so long, with no end in sight, unless I find attention somewhere else. I keep thinking maybe I’ll “ meet” someone somehow, and everything will be better, but I’m smart enough to know what major heartache that could cause. So still we go on.

 

[Ars119]

It's been eleven years for me. I now feel so broken, and not having anyone to talk to makes it worse. I feel so alone, but it's wonderful I have found this forum, I don't feel that alone anymore. I feel that a big part of my life is just gone.

 

[Solsurfer]

In a nutshell, our sex life was dwindling after only 3 years of marriage. And then I was diagnosed with cancer. The past 6 months have been a whirlwind of surgery (complete hysterectomy), recovery, and chemotherapy. The physical pain was terrible but the lack of physical touch and emotional support from my husband drove me batshit crazy.

The day after my surgery, I was horny as fuck! I thought once the doctor gave me the green light he and I would hit the sheets. Especially after 8 weeks of him barely patting me on the shoulder when he would come home from work. (And occasionally groping my breasts in front of my mother who stayed with me during the first 3 weeks post surgery. That shit doesn’t count by the way. Don’t do that. It only pisses me off.)

Anyway, it’s was so bad I asked him “do you even want to be married?” Then I read (horror) stories and comments written by other women in sexless marriages. (Ten years and no sex?! Fuck that.) So I have been steadily, patiently, talking with my husband. He is a great listener but terrible at changing. I keep plugging away though. I’ve used a mixture of emotional and logical arguments. I let the tears flow when they hit me otherwise I get choked up keeping them at bay. Slowly the physical intimacy is coming back. The most progress was made over this past weekend. I made it clear that I missed his smell. I asked him when would sex be back on the menu. He said may 2-3 months. I replied I am not waiting for you. I am not wasting anymore time. Afterward, He actually slept in the bed with me, cuddled close, and then groped my breasts sans audience the next day.

But now he is on a business trip for work. He will be gone for almost a month, traveling to various countries in Africa. I, meanwhile, am determined to do what’s best for me. I have actually been ramping up for two weeks in an attitude of “fuck him, I’mma do me.” (i.e., listening to happy break-up songs, getting back to reading stories on Lit, spending more time with family and friends, pampering myself.) Basically ignoring him in the most respectful and loving way I know how. (Cuz I really just want to cuss him the fuck out, but more flies with honey, right?) He has responded by apologizing with flowers when he makes mistakes and buying me small gifts. It feels good, but we’re not quite there yet.

Now I want to spend the next month making new friendships with women and men, going to new places, and trying new things. I am done waiting and I meant it. I am going back to my previous M.O. I told him when we were dating, if he wanted me, he would have to catch me because I wasn’t slowing down my life for him. (What the hell happened, right?!)

I am hopeful things are turning in the right direction. But I am also planning for the worst.

Crazy story. I’m so glad you’re living your second chance at life. Let me know if you’d like to chat online. I like your attitude. (You’re a stud for beating cancer)

 

[JSandecker]

Jade. I know exactly what you’re going through. Although from the mans perspective. My wife also had a complete hysterectomy, although she completely lost her sex drive with her surgery. To the point I’ve wanted to ask her if she wants to be married any longer. At this point a little groupe would be welcome. Nothing good comes of it and I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of yourself. You’re not alone

 

[tahoechunk]

Me too

have not had sex in 2 years I love my wife but she post menopausal and not interested. I had 2 bi experiences few years back and really enjoyed it Gius get together have a beer, get down to a blow job of for the subs, on their backs for a good safe fuck....Everybody gets off. Another beer, and " Hey Let's catch up in a coupla weeks?" lol I find this a great release....

 

[newrandomperson]

Some of these stories really make me feel for all of you because I am pretty sure you are all sexy, awesome and fantastic people struggling with a lot of different issues. I hope you all find some sort of happiness, I have had patches in the past where my partners lost a lot of interest in sex for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it came back, sometimes it did not but it was hard each time. My worst feeling was of unattractiveness and lack of self confidence, and I suspect I am not alone in that.

I really hope things go well for all of you.

 

[Discoverer]

I've felt the same

Some of these stories really make me feel for all of you because I am pretty sure you are all sexy, awesome and fantastic people struggling with a lot of different issues. I hope you all find some sort of happiness, I have had patches in the past where my partners lost a lot of interest in sex for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it came back, sometimes it did not but it was hard each time. My worst feeling was of unattractiveness and lack of self confidence, and I suspect I am not alone in that.

I really hope things go well for all of you.

Thanks! A Sexless marriage is hard when the partner has no interest in ... being a true partner.
Feel free to PM, I'd like to know how you got back that confidence and feeling attractive again.

 

[fullservice65]

I'm embarrassed to say just how many years it's been since my wife and I have had sex. I've had a fling or two in real life and with a few great women I've met on Lit.
Of course, I'm always open to more exploration in Northern California.

 

[njguy1002]

In a nutshell, our sex life was dwindling after only 3 years of marriage. And then I was diagnosed with cancer. The past 6 months have been a whirlwind of surgery (complete hysterectomy), recovery, and chemotherapy. The physical pain was terrible but the lack of physical touch and emotional support from my husband drove me batshit crazy.

The day after my surgery, I was horny as fuck! I thought once the doctor gave me the green light he and I would hit the sheets. Especially after 8 weeks of him barely patting me on the shoulder when he would come home from work. (And occasionally groping my breasts in front of my mother who stayed with me during the first 3 weeks post surgery. That shit doesn’t count by the way. Don’t do that. It only pisses me off.)

Anyway, it’s was so bad I asked him “do you even want to be married?” Then I read (horror) stories and comments written by other women in sexless marriages. (Ten years and no sex?! Fuck that.) So I have been steadily, patiently, talking with my husband. He is a great listener but terrible at changing. I keep plugging away though. I’ve used a mixture of emotional and logical arguments. I let the tears flow when they hit me otherwise I get choked up keeping them at bay. Slowly the physical intimacy is coming back. The most progress was made over this past weekend. I made it clear that I missed his smell. I asked him when would sex be back on the menu. He said may 2-3 months. I replied I am not waiting for you. I am not wasting anymore time. Afterward, He actually slept in the bed with me, cuddled close, and then groped my breasts sans audience the next day.

But now he is on a business trip for work. He will be gone for almost a month, traveling to various countries in Africa. I, meanwhile, am determined to do what’s best for me. I have actually been ramping up for two weeks in an attitude of “fuck him, I’mma do me.” (i.e., listening to happy break-up songs, getting back to reading stories on Lit, spending more time with family and friends, pampering myself.) Basically ignoring him in the most respectful and loving way I know how. (Cuz I really just want to cuss him the fuck out, but more flies with honey, right?) He has responded by apologizing with flowers when he makes mistakes and buying me small gifts. It feels good, but we’re not quite there yet.

Now I want to spend the next month making new friendships with women and men, going to new places, and trying new things. I am done waiting and I meant it. I am going back to my previous M.O. I told him when we were dating, if he wanted me, he would have to catch me because I wasn’t slowing down my life for him. (What the hell happened, right?!)

I am hopeful things are turning in the right direction. But I am also planning for the worst.

Did he return yet?

 

[Taggy1]

Hi, I'm happily married. I love my spouse, my family, my friends my life. But my spouse has a very low libido and I don't. I crave physical attention they don't. I'm sure some other people have/are experiencing this.

It's so frustrating and painful for so many reasons. For one thing, there's nothing wrong with my spouse, it's just how they are and I accept that. We've discussed it in depth and they've done their best but at the end of the day, they don't really want to touch as much as I do and obviously it's not very satisfying if their heart isn't in it, even if they mean well and want to do something for you simply out of love.

So, you don't want to beat the dead horse and make your spouse feel like shit by going over a problem for which there is no good solution. Like I said, it's not a question of fault just a conflict of desires. It's tough to "get it out" because people look at you like you're a pig of immature for complaining that you "don't get enough sex"-- like it isn't a basic element of the human experience.

I've been told they wouldn't begrudge me for having a sexual relationship out of the marriage, but that feels impossible too. Understanding that I have limited time and resources, and an unwillingness to use prostitutes both because of the expense and the potential risks-- who the hell is going to want to have sex with someone who doesn't have much relationship potential and isn't even going to be their first priority? I'm not unattractive, but not hot, not poor but certainly not wealthy-- I don't see why anyone would want to have a casual sexual experience with me.

Honestly, when I read a couple years ago that some people are working as "professional cuddlers" in some of the big cities I thought, "god damn, I'd pay for that" or hell, I'd BE a professional cuddler (I mean it doesn't have to be sex, I just want more physical closeness). It makes me feel kind of small and ugly and worthless and I barely talk to anyone about it.

Cyber/Sexting, chat and phone/video is nice but it seems really difficult to find reliable people that are available enough. I'm done whining now, but on the chance that others here are experiencing similar struggles I wanted to share mine and perhaps offer a venue to express yourself. Sometimes just putting it into words makes the struggle easier to cope with.

Obviously, PM if you'd like to talk to me more about this subject.

Yes I’m In a sexless relationship

 

[Markstan1975]

In one way its good not being the only one but i feel your pain, its so hard as when i say something i feel guilt

 

[TooShyGirl]

Not necessarily sexless but can feel that way, even when we do. Weird. Plus, sex with him feels.. not sure how to describe it.. like, awkward. Sorry if my reply doesn't fit in here.

 

[fullservice65]

Not necessarily sexless but can feel that way, even when we do. Weird. Plus, sex with him feels.. not sure how to describe it.. like, awkward. Sorry if my reply doesn't fit in here.

No problem. They're all just offshoots of the same problems.

 

[FrozenBlue]

Not necessarily sexless but can feel that way, even when we do. Weird. Plus, sex with him feels.. not sure how to describe it.. like, awkward. Sorry if my reply doesn't fit in here.

Same, TSG. Wish I knew how to fix it...

 

[99Freedom]

Not necessarily sexless but can feel that way, even when we do. Weird. Plus, sex with him feels.. not sure how to describe it.. like, awkward. Sorry if my reply doesn't fit in here.

Not totally sexless here, but it is extremely rare. Would be nice if that meant it was extra exciting, but it is more feels more like she is just going through the motions to put me off. Don’t know if I’m making sense.

 

[JeepGuy25]

Also not totally sexless. But it's rare and when we do it's when she's horny enough to do it. I can't tell you the last time she rolled over and took care of me even if she didn't feel like having full on sex. If I even sense that she's horny I'm all over her. Playing with her, turning her on, and sometimes finishing her off with my mouth or hand. Then....nothing. Even when I straight up tell her "ok my turn", it's laughed off as me joking. She just isn't very sexual in nature. Never had been but last 5 years has been steadily getting less and less intimate.

On vacation now, I've gotten her off twice just messing around. We were supposed to have some time last night, bath together, etc. I got some nice bubble bath. Hoping for some wet and slippery fun. Night comes, nope. Tired. I had to go take care of myself because I was about to explode.

Im 40. I had a vasectomy a couple years ago so "we could have sex without worrying about it". I'm horny constantly, and since I've lost a few pounds and have been exercising, I'm looking better, which is turning ME on more haha. I'm ready to go!!!!! I'm hoping things change (and I am working on it) but I don't have high hopes. Right now massage parlors or special friends are looking great haha. Just crave the touch of someone else that wants to give me as much pleasure as I enjoy providing.

 

[floridabeachguy]

I think that’s the case with many many of us . Present self included

 

[Mtnmike]

Not necessarily sexless but can feel that way, even when we do. Weird. Plus, sex with him feels.. not sure how to describe it.. like, awkward. Sorry if my reply doesn't fit in here.

It fits here just fine, there's different kinds of sexless, just some are more drastic.
Mine for example, 11 years & counting of no intimacy at all !!!

 

[JeepGuy25]

Not necessarily sexless but can feel that way, even when we do. Weird. Plus, sex with him feels.. not sure how to describe it.. like, awkward. Sorry if my reply doesn't fit in here.

YES! Awkward when it does happen. Good way to describe it. Almost like just going through the motions. Your reply fits just fine. I think that sort of feeling is just as valid as an actual sexless marriage. I try to mix things up a bit too, to try to "spice it up". Nothing crazy but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Fairly certain it's not what I'm doing because at the time it's obviously enjoyed. But then nothing for weeks+. FRUSTRATING.

 

[rider81]

Not sexless, but twice a month on a good month.

 

[JustLookingMaybeText]

Oh

 

[Markstan1975]

It matters

It matters as much as every other aspect its damn frustrating in more ways than one
And then feeling guilty when you try to bring it up just adds to it

 

[Xyhorn]

Kids, jobs, tired and familiarity. F***s up the f***s. (Being polite)

 

[Xyhorn]

But seriously it causes me some distress. Stories, porn and cyber help but the secrecy feels wrong.