He just isn't interested...

[Roses_are_Blue]

Now you are all really making me worried... but it is good to get an outside perspective. To give a little more background... the first night we got together we slept together. It was a bad idea to rush him (he had never even been kissed before). He was a little freaked out but insisted he didn’t have any regrets, just wanted to slow things down. That was perfectly fair enough. We spent a few weeks just hanging out and getting to know each other better. Then one day he seemed fairly... responsive... so I had to ask him where the boundaries were and he said there weren’t any. I was surprised it happened so quickly, but he suddenly seemed a lot more relaxed and things happened far more naturally (even though I still had to take the lead in things). After that, even though we weren’t together often it seemed to be going okay. By contrast I am a very sexual person, but it’s not like I need it every night or anything. I had to take the lead, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Then there was end-of-year-uni stress and so on, and we just haven’t got back to where we were. He has been insisting that he does find me sexually attractive and that I need to stop worrying. I like to think it’s just been bad timing and so on, but you’re right - it isn’t exactly normal. I think we need to have a big talk and see where it takes us. But I’m not going to dump someone just because of sex - there are more important things. We are both getting other things out of the relationship at the moment and I want to be sure before I jump to any sort of conclusions about his sex drive/sexuality/etc.

 

[-Nyx]

You haven't had sex in 3 months? Is he gay?

 

[Darkknight2010]

Now you are all really making me worried... but it is good to get an outside perspective. To give a little more background... the first night we got together we slept together. It was a bad idea to rush him (he had never even been kissed before). He was a little freaked out but insisted he didn’t have any regrets, just wanted to slow things down. That was perfectly fair enough. We spent a few weeks just hanging out and getting to know each other better. Then one day he seemed fairly... responsive... so I had to ask him where the boundaries were and he said there weren’t any. I was surprised it happened so quickly, but he suddenly seemed a lot more relaxed and things happened far more naturally (even though I still had to take the lead in things). After that, even though we weren’t together often it seemed to be going okay. By contrast I am a very sexual person, but it’s not like I need it every night or anything. I had to take the lead, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Then there was end-of-year-uni stress and so on, and we just haven’t got back to where we were. He has been insisting that he does find me sexually attractive and that I need to stop worrying. I like to think it’s just been bad timing and so on, but you’re right - it isn’t exactly normal. I think we need to have a big talk and see where it takes us. But I’m not going to dump someone just because of sex - there are more important things. We are both getting other things out of the relationship at the moment and I want to be sure before I jump to any sort of conclusions about his sex drive/sexuality/etc.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm... so many responses...

Honey, the best think you can do is talk to the boy. Obviously be gentle, tactful, ,blah, blah, blah, but we're all guessing. And we could all be just plain wrong.

And the key is if he just blows it off... THEN... well, you have some serious compromises to decide on.

And ex of mine had minimal sexdrive... and frankly she could be so timid about sex sometimes I felt like a rapist trying anything. Did we talk about it? I mentioned a therapist ONCE and she freaked.

I wish you luck, honey. This is NOT going to be easy... hopefully it is... sending you good vibes.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Honey, the best think you can do is talk to the boy. Obviously be gentle, tactful, ,blah, blah, blah, but we're all guessing. And we could all be just plain wrong.

Very well put and absolutely correct.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Now you are all really making me worried... but it is good to get an outside perspective. To give a little more background... the first night we got together we slept together. It was a bad idea to rush him (he had never even been kissed before). He was a little freaked out but insisted he didn’t have any regrets, just wanted to slow things down. That was perfectly fair enough. We spent a few weeks just hanging out and getting to know each other better. Then one day he seemed fairly... responsive... so I had to ask him where the boundaries were and he said there weren’t any. I was surprised it happened so quickly, but he suddenly seemed a lot more relaxed and things happened far more naturally (even though I still had to take the lead in things). After that, even though we weren’t together often it seemed to be going okay. By contrast I am a very sexual person, but it’s not like I need it every night or anything. I had to take the lead, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Then there was end-of-year-uni stress and so on, and we just haven’t got back to where we were. He has been insisting that he does find me sexually attractive and that I need to stop worrying. I like to think it’s just been bad timing and so on, but you’re right - it isn’t exactly normal. I think we need to have a big talk and see where it takes us. But I’m not going to dump someone just because of sex - there are more important things. We are both getting other things out of the relationship at the moment and I want to be sure before I jump to any sort of conclusions about his sex drive/sexuality/etc.

I really admire how you're being exceptionally mature and sensible and thoughtful about this! Kudos to you for having your act together at such a young age.

 

[Quoll]

Honey, the best think you can do is talk to the boy. Obviously be gentle, tactful, ,blah, blah, blah, but we're all guessing. And we could all be just plain wrong.

Very well put and absolutely correct.

Exactly, what you have been given are suggestions and ideas.
From a personal standpoint it is totally wrong for anybody here to say that he definitely has this problem or that problem or whatever, these are just some opinions of what could be going on.
You seem to be handling this really well and I wouldn't be suprised if you come up with the answer sooner rather than later.

 

[tryptamine]

I'm a 21 year old male, and I think that after five months not getting the sex you want you should dump him.

Seriously. Even if you're not a shallow person, and you want a relationship that isn't based on sex, the fact is that sex is important. You are in a sexual relationship. You are faithful to him, and he needs to look after your needs.

You've been together for five months. If he won't fuck you, consider him as a friend rather than a boyfriend, because five months in to a relationship you should be fucking hanging from the ceiling in your parents fishtank. You're not, and this is obviously frustrating you. Leave him before you cheat on him.

 

[PredatorSmile]

I think his reluctance toward sex in general may have to do with his upbringing. I grew up in a catholic household and it was quite rigid. I was told that masturbation was a sin. Try dealing with that when you're a bisexual youth. It wasn't easy for me, man. I recall having a crush on a slightly older girl next door and we did our thing. Nobody knew. Of course, later, I discovered boys. That was a lot of fun. In my late teens, I began having relationships with girls again. I developed a preference for tomboys and BBWs. I went back and forth between girls and boys for a while. Now, I'm down with the dudes. What can I say ?
I no longer repress my sexuality. If your guy does, then maybe there's something wrong with him ( mentally or ideologically).

 

[human_male]

Gay... or cheating

I hate to say it but that springs to my mind too.

 

[massage45678]

He Just isn't interested

I know this isn't what you want to hear but your relationship is likely over. If you are a lot more sexual than he is then the lack of sex is going to cause a lot of resentment in between you and he. I've been in relationships like this before. I know its nice not to a sexually based relationship but it seems to me that you like the intimacy sex brings it also seems that he could do with out it. I don't think you can get him more interested.

I've been with my bf for about 5 months. He is 21 and has never been with anyone else. It has been about 3 months since we had sex (and not often before that). Initially I thought things were going wrong, but we have talked abut it quite a lot and he made it clear that he is happy with me, sex simply isn't important to him. I am a more sexual person than he is. We get along really well in other areas, and it is nice to have a relationship that isn't based on sex. And I certainly don't want to be pushing him into things he doesn't really want to do. But I still wish I knew how to make him more interested sometimes. Any tips?

 

[phoenix1224]

Has anyone else noticed the double-standard when it comes to women and men who are disinterested in sex?

If a woman shows no interest in having sex with her partner, it's either her upbringing or a medical problem. If a man shows no interest in having sex with his partner, he's either cheating or gay.

WTF?

 

[SweetErika]

Has anyone else noticed the double-standard when it comes to women and men who are disinterested in sex?

If a woman shows no interest in having sex with her partner, it's either her upbringing or a medical problem. If a man shows no interest in having sex with his partner, he's either cheating or gay.

WTF?

I usually go through all of those options for both sexes, but you have a good point, Phoenix. Maybe it's because we think of men as sex maniacs, so it's assumed they MUST be getting it somewhere if they're not interested.

 

[Norajane]

I usually go through all of those options for both sexes, but you have a good point, Phoenix. Maybe it's because we think of men as sex maniacs, so it's assumed they MUST be getting it somewhere if they're not interested.

Maybe it's that men are expected to express their sexual needs (which sometimes makes them SEEM like sex maniacs), and it's unusual to run across men who don't, especially when it's a 22 year old guy that doesn't want sex.

Seriously, do you know a lot of 22 year old guys who don't want to have sex with a new girlfriend?

 

[Diablogrl]

I had a friend who went through the same thing with a boyfriend of hers just recently. She's 34, fairly experienced, with a very dominating personality. She knows what she wants in bed and she knows how to get it. Her boyfriend was 25, very athletic, very O/C and had a tremendously low sex drive. Intellectually, the two of them really did hit it off and they really did get along. They appeared to be each other's matches - they loved to debate and fight and would talk for hours and hours (even 7-8 months into the relationship). Physically and sexually - they had sex five times, total, within a 5 month span. I don't know if this is at all what you're going through, but there were several similarities between this and your problem.

Does your man enjoy sex when you have it? My friend gets off quickly and likes multiples. It took him forever to finish and he'd oftentimes just stop because her getting off quickly ruined the "fun" for him. Its possible that the two of you aren't sexually compatible.

He also complained a lot about just not being that into sex. There are people out there with a low sex drive and you need to ask yourself if being with someone like that will make you happy. If you need sex, and he won't ever give it to you (or will rarely) - can you live with that next year? 5 years from now? for the rest of your life?

Its also possible that he's just not all that into you aside from being a great friend. You need to ask him if its you, and if he's sexually into you. The only way to get to the bottom of this problem is to communicate - and I recognize its awkward. But you need to be fair to yourself and make him be fair to you too.