He just isn't interested...

[Roses_are_Blue]

I've been with my bf for about 5 months. He is 21 and has never been with anyone else. It has been about 3 months since we had sex (and not often before that). Initially I thought things were going wrong, but we have talked abut it quite a lot and he made it clear that he is happy with me, sex simply isn't important to him. I am a more sexual person than he is. We get along really well in other areas, and it is nice to have a relationship that isn't based on sex. And I certainly don't want to be pushing him into things he doesn't really want to do. But I still wish I knew how to make him more interested sometimes. Any tips?

 

[mercurial sky]

Maybe his inexperience and upbringing may have caused him to have repressed feelings of guilt/shame regarding having sex. Just speculation.

 

[LadyJeanne]

In my opinion, it's unusual for a 21 year old guy to be uninterested in sex. As I recall, you pretty much just had to show up and a guy that age would be horny. If by some chance he didn't get hard as soon as you winked at him and asked, "You wanna meet me in the bedroom?" he most certainly would be interested if you stroked his thigh, even a little.

The first things that come to mind are ill health, depression, and medications. Those can really do a number on your libido.

If all that's fine, then I'd consider religious and family upbringing. That can really affect your views and desire for sex.

And, if that's not it, I'd consider whether he might be gay.

If it's none of those things, and he's just not interested in sex very much, he's probably the only one who can tell you what turns him on. A little teasing and tickling in the shower? Starting with a massage so he's relaxed? Sexy lingerie? High heels? Cheerleader outfit?

 

[LadyJeanne]

Maybe his inexperience and upbringing may have caused him to have repressed feelings of guilt/shame regarding having sex. Just speculation.

Hmm, interesting point...

...and makes me wonder...Roses are Blue, it sounds like you might be more experienced sexually than he is? Do you think he might be anxious about that? Maybe he's worried that he can't compete with your past lovers or that he doesn't know what he's doing and can't please you. If that's the case, it's a shame - you could teach him so much!

 

[M's girl]

Hmm, interesting point...

...and makes me wonder...Roses are Blue, it sounds like you might be more experienced sexually than he is? Do you think he might be anxious about that? Maybe he's worried that he can't compete with your past lovers or that he doesn't know what he's doing and can't please you. If that's the case, it's a shame - you could teach him so much!

Yes... that's what I was thinking too.

 

[miss_kate]

I pick...

Gay... or cheating

 

[SubNebGuy]

Don't rule out him having a low libido due to a low testosterone level either. He could have enough test. to have a nice deep voice and facial hair, but not quite enough to make him a typical horny guy.

 

[DCSharksPC]

In my opinion, it's unusual for a 21 year old guy to be uninterested in sex. As I recall, you pretty much just had to show up and a guy that age would be horny. If by some chance he didn't get hard as soon as you winked at him and asked, "You wanna meet me in the bedroom?" he most certainly would be interested if you stroked his thigh, even a little.

The first things that come to mind are ill health, depression, and medications. Those can really do a number on your libido.

If all that's fine, then I'd consider religious and family upbringing. That can really affect your views and desire for sex.

And, if that's not it, I'd consider whether he might be gay.

If it's none of those things, and he's just not interested in sex very much, he's probably the only one who can tell you what turns him on. A little teasing and tickling in the shower? Starting with a massage so he's relaxed? Sexy lingerie? High heels? Cheerleader outfit?

i'm almost 20. i can't get enuff sex, u just have to say hi, have tits and an ass, and interested in me....the last part is is the hardest to find

 

[Roses_are_Blue]

I do have more experience, although in the past I have generally been the more submissive one in the relationship, so that makes this new for me. I really hope he isn’t worrying about the experience difference, but I guess it could be a factor. I’m never sure whether it is a good idea to bring this topic up or not in case I make him more uncomfortable.

I know there was definitely a stress/depression factor recently with him having Uni exams and for a while and he didn’t really want to be around people in general, so sex was the last thing on his mind. That I can certainly understand. But it should be in the past by now. Maybe it will just take some time (?).

I suspect he probably does have a low testosterone, just based on how he looks (e.g., not very hairy), that could also be a part of it. Not a whole lot I can do about that, I suppose. His diet also isn’t great, maybe I should try and work on that.

I trust him not to cheat, though I guess I’m biased. I would also like to rule out gay, but I guess you never know. We *are* part of a very accepting circle of friends who are very big on being themselves. I hadn’t really thought upbringing as a potential factor. Might be something else worth talking about.

Other than that I guess I’ll keep experimenting and try to be patient with him. Thanks for listening.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Ok, this sounds a lot like me ten years ago. I didn't read too many other replies, but here was my story.

I was 19 when I met my first girlfriend. We dated for a month and a half before having sex for the first time (for me anyway) on Valentines day. She broke up with me the next day, bu different story we were back together the next week anyway. Over the next few months we had sex a total of 7 times. Not because either of us didn't want it, but because I was too shy to initiate it, and I didn't want to come across as the perverted sex machine that I could have been and drive her away thinking I was some sort of addict who couldn't get enough. I said that I didn't care that much about sex and that as much as she was willing to put out would be enough, but I was lying my ass off I wanted it day, night, every minute I was with or without her.

I'm not saying he fits this profile, but don't be surprised if he does. If you are his first girlfriend this very well could be the case that he is just too afraid of pushing things too far. If this is the case, you need to help him out, stat things on your own, and give it up to him more often, as he will never turn you down, and he will get more and more into initiating things as the relationship progresses. If this isn't the case, he will just tell you to slow things down, and turn down sex when he doesn't want it.

At least, that's what will happen if he is like me...

 

[Eilan]

I know there was definitely a stress/depression factor recently with him having Uni exams and for a while and he didn’t really want to be around people in general, so sex was the last thing on his mind. That I can certainly understand. But it should be in the past by now. Maybe it will just take some time (?).

Perhaps a little time is all he needs.

Does the university have a counseling center? Perhaps he could talk to someone there about the depression/stress issues that he's had (or may still be having).

Other than that, I don't have much to add to what's been said already. Good luck.

 

[CowBoy18^]

could be that the dude just plain whacks off too much or maybe he likes dudes

 

[mrdward]

My Take

Dump his ass. All that stuff about school stress, etc...it's bullshit lady.

His attitude about sex ain't natural, and think of it this way, if he's that way now, how's he gonna be at 25, or 30.

There are plenty of nice guys out there who will fuck your brains out, don't stick with this punk kid.

 

[M's girl]

Dump his ass. All that stuff about school stress, etc...it's bullshit lady.

His attitude about sex ain't natural, and think of it this way, if he's that way now, how's he gonna be at 25, or 30.

There are plenty of nice guys out there who will fuck your brains out, don't stick with this punk kid.

I think you are a bit too judgemental (and by saying that I am too, I know). But having read TheeGoatPig's story I think it could be someting like this as well. Consider all the young girls and women who are being stalked for sex over and over again and finally think (and express) that all men are oversexed dumbo's... If that is his fear I could understand why he would be shy to initiate...

 

[capricious_chic]

As hard as it is to believe - there are people out there who have very little to no sex drive. It is a natural state of being for them. It is quite possible that your guy is one of them.

The real question here is if that is acceptable to you.

Think about it hard. There are plenty of people around here that have been married for years to someone w/a lower sex drive and they are miserable.

 

[bytor2112]

either:

1. you're stone ugly
2. he's a faggot

if it's number 2...pm me with some nudes and i'll fuck you..

 

[mrdward]

I think you are a bit too judgemental (and by saying that I am too, I know). But having read TheeGoatPig's story I think it could be someting like this as well. Consider all the young girls and women who are being stalked for sex over and over again and finally think (and express) that all men are oversexed dumbo's... If that is his fear I could understand why he would be shy to initiate...

Judgemental? Perhaps, but two people with libido's at opposite ends arn't long for this world as a happy couple. Better to cut bait now...rather then later.

 

[M's girl]

Judgemental? Perhaps, but two people with libido's at opposite ends arn't long for this world as a happy couple. Better to cut bait now...rather then later.

What I'm saying is that there is a possibility that he is just shy for reasons mentioned in the post I'm referring to. If that is the case, it might well be that, once that problem is out of the way, their libido's are a lot closer than they seem to be now.

As ever.... communication is the key here. And a bit of persistance in this case maybe.

It took me over a year to find out that my man, who does not seem shy where sex is concerned AT ALL, was having some issues after all, that stemmed from his former relationship. We talk about sex and our relationship all the time but this is something that had never come up before.

That also had to do with him initiating sex. I never imagined this would be something that was sometimes holding him back. Go figure... and we're not 18 anymore either! That's why I'm saying they need some time to figure out what is 'wrong'.

 

[temp256]

I have a fairly low libido, and I know it is not caused by any sort of anxiety. I think it's low testosterone (I also have very little hair), but I haven't gotten it checked yet.

Don't jump to conclusion about cheating or sexuality. Ask him if he wants to increase his libido. Have him get the blood test to see if it is in fact hormonal.

Then again my low libido could be caused by my gender identity disorder...

 

[mrdward]

What I'm saying is that there is a possibility that he is just shy for reasons mentioned in the post I'm referring to. If that is the case, it might well be that, once that problem is out of the way, their libido's are a lot closer than they seem to be now.

As ever.... communication is the key here. And a bit of persistance in this case maybe.

It took me over a year to find out that my man, who does not seem shy where sex is concerned AT ALL, was having some issues after all, that stemmed from his former relationship. We talk about sex and our relationship all the time but this is something that had never come up before.

That also had to do with him initiating sex. I never imagined this would be something that was sometimes holding him back. Go figure... and we're not 18 anymore either! That's why I'm saying they need some time to figure out what is 'wrong'.

You are a much wiser & thoughtful person then I am...I'm not being fecetious here either, I can just tell. So I will defer to your judgement on this, and honestly, for her sake, I hope you are correct. But I'd sure like a follow-up on this thread in about five years, 'cause I think this relationship is doomed.

 

[ffemtzman]

As hard as it is to believe - there are people out there who have very little to no sex drive. It is a natural state of being for them. It is quite possible that your guy is one of them.

The real question here is if that is acceptable to you.

Think about it hard. There are plenty of people around here that have been married for years to someone w/a lower sex drive and they are miserable.

It happens, also consider the fact he might be a late bloomer and the best is yet to come...

 

[M's girl]

You are a much wiser & thoughtful person then I am...I'm not being fecetious here either, I can just tell. So I will defer to your judgement on this, and honestly, for her sake, I hope you are correct. But I'd sure like a follow-up on this thread in about five years, 'cause I think this relationship is doomed.

In the end what matters is: how much time and effort are you willing to spend on the relationship. Of course.... when this stays an issue and is never worked out between the two of them it could become a huge problem eventually. It's just my guess that she is still willing to give things a chance. Their relationship is relatively new and they are relatively young (in my eyes, but they say I'm an old lady already )....

If the relationship is worth the effort because of other reasons you have to give certain things a try and be patient. That's all...

 

[Omote]

Low sex drive could be a real possibility, but more then that I think something may be wrong. Upbringing or his past could be a significantly large issue. The only way you may ever find out is through talking with him. It might be hard to do, but find out soon *communication is the key* Talking about it will bring somthing to the light of day. Just be prepared to deal with it.

 

[incubus'_sub]

For a 21 year old male I suspect that a low sex drive would be doing it once a day instead of 3 or 4 times. There's a more serious problem here and it's not something a young girl can be expected to fix or should even be advised to try.

My guess is that if he won't do it then he's very unlikely to want to talk about it. There may be issues here that he doesn't want to admit even to himself. Yes, he's probably gay & trying to overcome it.

This is not a relationship, it's a friendship. Treat it as such and suggest to this boy that you are just friends from now on. I'll bet he's very relieved.

 

[SweetErika]

All good ideas so far that I'd explore because getting to the root of the problem is likely going to get you further than trying to entice him at this point. I'm curious about what led you two to start having sex because it sounds like it was pretty early in the relationship. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but is it possible he has a problem with it and wants to wait until his feelings catch up, views it as immoral, or something related? Did he seem really enthusiastic when you did have sex?

Have you asked if he has the desire/gets horny? Do you know if he masturbates, and if so, how much?

BTW, welcome to Lit and How To, Roses_are_Blue!