How do I stop myself from going insane?

[Raging_Bull]

Programming is one of the most mobile careers you can have. If you are the guy who can do the job 'in minutes' in a cartain language, certainly someone else will pay you to do it. Even if you are working in COBOL.

Why are you staying with this company? You have the skills. Go sell them to somebody who recognizes what you are worth.

I can't do this since I signed a deal with them that If I don't stay for a certain time period , I am liable to pay them a huge sum of money in "damages" to the company as they initially trained me in certain stuff. That's the money I have but if I cough it up, I would be left with nothing for school later. That, and I also don't fulfill the minimum exp. criteria for most biggies. If I go for that job later on, It will be no problem then, but right now it is....

 

[Raging_Bull]

You may have more options than you are allowing yourself... and when I read "I really hate the bitch who is my age and just because she is totally involved with this shit since years knows a lot more than everybody else on the project." ...and reading before and after that... So is she your worst nightmare...? Does she make you feel inferior? If she is not intentionally doing this or even if she is... go to her and just lay it all out... "I am as good in my previous area as you are currently in yours. I know what it takes to get there, the study, the natural aptitude, dedication, intelligence and patience. I respect your abilities. I am new to this area, do you mind if I ask you a few questions from time to time while I get up to speed on this."...turn her into an ally...

An ally is someone who wants you to succeed along with him/her. She has a mentality that if someone else learns more than or equal to her, her importance and dependencies may get diminished. She just wants to feel like a manager too..... where she gets to humiliate ppl.... or watever

 

[Raging_Bull]

Communicate politely and if you feel put upon by someone, tell them calmly "Any advice is greatly appreciated but I work much more efficiently when I am being encouraged rather than criticised. Can we please find a way of communicating that is beneficial to completing the job." ...be calm... and have witnesses...

I tried that approach and they came up with a brilliant idea that if something goes wrong they would be putting up posters around the area with the picture of the person with the inscription of what he did wrong. They said that feeling some humiliation will make us work better.

 

[Raging_Bull]

Try to analyse what is really causing the stress... is it purely about self esteem?

No, Its about this and the realization that I wont be able to climb my way into the light that I had imagined for myself and that I am drifting off more into this black hole instead of getting closer to my dreams.

 

[BertrandRussell]

I can't do this since I signed a deal with them that If I don't stay for a certain time period , I am liable to pay them a huge sum of money in "damages" to the company as they initially trained me in certain stuff. ...

I don't know employment law well, but my gut feel is that if you are in the US, that contract is probably not legitimate. I'd have an attorney look at it.

 

[PinkLaces]

Your job has come to define you, instead of you defining your job. Meds can allieviate the symptoms of depression and anxiousness only for so long, but eventually you will be right back where you started. I sense that there are other areas of your life that have been neglected while you were chasing this dream. Is there anyway you can focus on these areas, and let the work situation become secondary? Since your work has become your primary identity, loosing the work must seem like you are loosing yourself, but I feel it is your oppurtinity to discover who you really are. Blessed Be!

 

[Apryl]

I have been through the hospital program twice for anxiety and drepression and besides medication they taught us to breath like in meditation. Also I have found that music helps me out I can visualize my anger out in some of the songs that i listen too. I had a nervous breakdown at work and am learning how to deal with that so I do a lot of breathing exercises during the course of the day instead of taking short acting medication for a panic attack. Hope this helps you out some. Good Luck .