How to handle being ugly

[Bigg_Capone]

Re: Re: Re: How to handle being ugly

I can only hope this is sarcasm.


If it isn't? Whilst you are hiding from the world you may be missing out on someone who is going to like who you are.

There are people out there who have had horrific car crashes
or been in terrible fires who are scarred for life. Yet many find people who truly love them for who they are.

Attitude is a big deal in life.

Sadly, my response to the original question was not sarcasm.

It's a looooong story, darling, but I was one of the people in a horrible car crash that is now phyiscally AND mentally scarred for life.

I understand that attitude is a big deal in life. My attitude/ mood is constantly changing from one moment to the next. My posts tend to reflect how I'm feeling at the time I am posting.

I'm no longer certain of anything, let alone that someone will accept me for me and be able to look past my appearance. I'm no longer even certain that I deserve to be loved. In fact, I'm almost positive that one such as myself should refrain from human contact at all costs.

I was never this down on myself before the accident I was in, but since that night I've been living in physical and mental pain and anguish. It's almost like I'm living that night over and over and over and over... like I'll never see tomorrow.

Before my accident, I had no problems with my appearance. I've always been a heavier than normal guy, but it never slowed me down in my pursuits of anything... Now? Well, it's all changed.

My story is too long to tell and post here, but I'm writing it and once it's done, I'm going to submit it to this wonderful site.

Thank you, Debbie, for your kind words of encouragement. A for you, my dear.

 

[Citadel]

I can only apologise for my lack of response to this thread in the last few days (not on-line a lot). I hope the fine advice in here can resonate with others than me......though I know that, if self-love of a face is needed, I will not qualify.

Bigg - a special mention to you, if I may. We are both guys and so this may seem a little odd.....However, I would more than accept a female who was a lady inside, no matter her physical beauty. I know (with apologise) that it may seem like asking for the moon, but there must be women with a soul out there?

This thread has shown them, if nothing else.

I have not more optimism for myself than you will have for yourself, reading those words. Surely, please, there is a woman who is also a human being (open to a decent companion, not just the biggest wallet/finest face in the bar?)

I have faith, even though my heart mocks that faith. The only alternative is isolation and madness…..i want to offer my love, despite my face, I am simply looking for that rarest of creatures. A woman with depth. You 3…

 

[HornyHenry]

Similar problem

Thnaks for this thread. We seem to have a similar problem - acceptance by the opposite sex.
There are some very good posts here which made me think about how to regain my old self. I know ugly IS to the bone. We have to remove that and hang around nice people who have similar interests.
Are either of us ever going to get Pam Anderson - NO.
But there's probably someone nicer uot ther just for us.

Vixen, You are beautiful. I could never think on you as ugly.
MSKey, if those are your lips and tongue, they are some of the finest around. Even if they aren't, I know you are beautiful inside.
Bandit, I think your build is hot! Just my type.

See, the thin want to be bigger, the large want to be a little less, the black haired want to be blond, the white skinned want to be tanned, the bald wish they had hair, the lonely wish they were popular, and the popular wish for some peace and quiet sometimes.

We can all be thankful for what we have, enhance our best features, change the things we really can't accept, and learn to love ourselves. If not, no one else will.

 

[Citadel]

And, Henry, leading on from that (and this thread) we only need one to give a fig who we look.....the "one".....the rest can go play in their sandpits.

I have known relationships (based on me as care-giver and them as care-needers) and such needs have gone beyond my face. I guess, after a divorce and a few others who have moved on "from dad" to a better, healthier life, I am now focused on trying to find someone who loves me....rather than just needs someone like me to solve their problems.

I just need the one, we all just need the one, eh?

 

[rosco rathbone]

Guys don't need to be good-looking at all, provided they have something else to offer, such as charm or funds....unless they are trying to pick up women in a bar, club or discoteque; in which case you deserve whatever's coming to you.

The case of women is a little more problematical, but i can say with confidence that the sexiest women i've dated weren't the beauty queens.

 

[Citadel]

Rosco,

The sexiest women I have ever met, let alone dated, were no beauty queens. Women with looks seem to have missed a point in their development where they learn emotions....love, compassion etc....it's all "I am Barbie, I know you want me, how much are you worth?"

Souls make passion and passion makes the soul. Period.

 

[hook848]

I've been following this thread and wasn't going to post. I found myself relating to Bigg_Cappone and Citadel more than I want to admit. Car crash, paralysis, pain all the time, I've been there. Still am but my state of mind makes all the difference in how I feel.

As many of you have pointed out, self-confidence makes or breaks you. I witnessed a perfect example of this today:

I drive my van from my wheelchair using hand controls. Its specialized equipment and the closest vendor is 150 miles away. I can't get to them but they sent a rep to my home to help. Turns out he's in a chair too and not much to look at. His girlfriend was with him and she was fine. Looks, personality, the works. She was also handy with the jumper cables and a few other things we couldn't reach or do. There was obviously far more to this guy in her eyes than looks.

Needless to say, I'm feeling much better about myself today. Got out of the house and did some shopping that wasn't necessary. I did have a nice conversation with a woman at Petco. We mostly talked about her fish but I still enjoyed every minute.

Self-confidence is the most important thing I can think of.

 

[asenath]

Rosco,

The sexiest women I have ever met, let alone dated, were no beauty queens. Women with looks seem to have missed a point in their development where they learn emotions....love, compassion etc....it's all "I am Barbie, I know you want me, how much are you worth?"

Souls make passion and passion makes the soul. Period.

Pigeonholing people is ugly.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Hmm, thing is, if she really looks quite a bit like Barbie, then likely she has spent a lot of time and attention into her clothes, makeup, hair products, etc. Now this means at least 2 things -- that this is a major hobby of hers, which does leave less time for other pursuits, and that looks of a certain type are very important to her. So it should be no surprise that she would also value that in a man. That it is going to be What's Outside that counts -- status for instance. Not sure I understand why that should be so surprising.

(If she is a natural beauty then all bets are off, but I'm not sure most men can tell the difference. )

I do all of that for special evening, just not All the Time. I get approached much more when in full femme gear than while in baggy pants and wearing my glasses. The reason for going into my experience is that some of the unhappy men on this thread might want to take a look at whom they are approaching and why. What are They looking for? A good, caring soul or a babe in a miniskirt? Someone with a big smile or a joke, or the flirt in the office who displays more than inner beauty?

But even if you insist on going for the babes, when you aren't, there is still hope. Before my marriage, I had longterm relationships with 3 quite plain guys who did fine with pretty women. One didn't care that he was plain, he just asked women out anyway. (He played up what he had, such as height, btw. 6'3, and wore boots to look even taller.) We started as friends. Another went with a sort of a rugged Mountain Man look that worked for him. I'm not sure he was even aware that a lot of women thought he was plain. (I got comments from women who were surprised I was dating such a plain -- and poor -- guy, and said things like that 'I could do better,' meaning better looking and rich.) I met him through a woman friend who told me how nice he was. The last guy also started as a friend. He knew he was ugly but did lots of things like learned to play guitar, was very funny, etc. He always had good-looking girlfriends. For guys, it really is your attitude and what you do to be appealing in other ways. (Dressing well for your 'type' doesn't hurt though.)

A couple of things I'd think you might realize from Literotica, if nowhere else. No matter your looks, there is probably someone with a taste or even a fetish for it. And the ability to communicate is key.

 

[BirdsWife]

Re: Similar problem

Are either of us ever going to get Pam Anderson - NO.
But there's probably someone nicer uot ther just for us.

I'm not trying to pick on you, but for some reason this statement bothers me. The wording sounds like you feel that since you can't atttract a Pam Anderson type that you will have to "settle" for a woman with a nice personality.

 

[Mskey]

Re: Similar problem

MSKey, if those are your lips and tongue, they are some of the finest around. Even if they aren't, I know you are beautiful inside.

<snipped>

Thanks Henry....they're mine!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Okay.

Here I go.

There seems to be a bit of bashing of people who are beautiful. All of us in this thread.. ALL of us.. are beautiful, so I'll hear NONE of that from ANY of you.

My best friend is the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on, short of Angelina Jolie. She's tall, long legs, deep brown hair, blue eyes that will startle you with their depth, perfect smile, nice nose, and beautiful figure. She's 21 and has smile lines, because she loves to smile and laugh. She's got a beautiful voice, and sings opera. She dresses well, always. It's just the way that she was raised. She doesn't leave the house in sweats (unless the two of us are going out for a hung-over breakfast), and she always wears makeup when she goes out. Again, the way she was raised. But she's not afraid to get dirty, she's not afraid to tackle someone when playing football, and she's not afraid to give someone what-for.

And still, she is the sweetest, nicest, most caring person I know. We've been friends since I was 3.

Wanna know the odd thing? She can't get a boyfriend to save her life. Seriously. Because she's too beautiful. She intimidates men. She'll get a guy's attention, but all they want her for is a piece of ass, and not to learn her inner side.

My whole life, I've envied her looks.. I was the fatter, uglier one. (I no longer feel this way).

Her whole life, she recently told me, she's envied my looks. Because people who are going to love me, are going to love me for everything, not just want to hang me on their arm as some kind of bauble.

Beautiful people sometimes can't be faulted for their beauty. (By the way, I don't think Pam Anderson is beautiful at all, seeing as she's so fake). And beautiful people can be beautiful inside and out.









As to those of you who want to find a woman with a soul. For Christ's sake, would you dig yourself out of your self-pity for just a FEW seconds, and realize that there are a LOT of women out there who are looking for a man with a soul, too, but their own self-confidence is what impedes them? There are a lot of women out there who would like to date you, but they've been raised in such a way that they have to wait for the man to ask. (I was raised this way).

Nothing in this life is going to happen FOR you. You have to make happen what you WANT to have happen in this life.

So get off your ass and go!

Best of luck to you all.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Re: Re: Similar problem

I'm not trying to pick on you, but for some reason this statement bothers me. The wording sounds like you feel that since you can't atttract a Pam Anderson type that you will have to "settle" for a woman with a nice personality.

Yes, this is part of what i was trying to get at in my post. You are singling out as your apparent preference, a woman who went to a lot of time trouble, expense and plastic surgery to look as she does, then apparently complaining that someone like her wouldn't have you in your natural state. You are choosing someone for her outer 'beauty' (do you know anything about what she's like inside?), then complaining that she wouldn't choose you for your inner 'beauty'. (Ya get what you give here. I'd be surprised to be approached by a guy who dressed like a GQ model when I was in my jeans.) I'm not meaning to cast aspersions on either her beauty, outer or inner, or your inner beauty by putting it in quotes, just trying to be maintain neutrality if possible. I not only don't know what you are like inside, I don't know if your self-estimate of 'ugliness' is even objectively true. I've met plenty of pretty people who think they are ugly. And vice versa.

Btw, something else you may not have thought of. Most women, especially young ones, are used to being approached and don't have a clue as to how to approach men. The men who typically approach women first are the jerkier ones, in my experience. Younger women don't know this. The nice guys wait or back off.
The women may then think they're only ever approached by jerks, and wonder what's wrong with themselves. Or think all guys are jerks. Especially because jerky people don't usually show it right at first. (In other words, it's not usually the guy's jerkiness that is the attraction.)
Also, pretty women are used to being approached, especially when they are dressed up. This can make them wary about motives. People don't like being liked for their looks much more than being ignored because of them. Friends first is best. Find out if you even like each other.
Also, you may need some practice knowing when to approach or take things to a different level. All these things are skills and take practice.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Jinx, vixenshe!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Jinx, vixenshe!

*snicker* I know, that's what I thought when I read your post!

 

[frustratedpoodle]

Okay.

Here I go.

There seems to be a bit of bashing of people who are beautiful. All of us in this thread.. ALL of us.. are beautiful, so I'll hear NONE of that from ANY of you.

My best friend is the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on, short of Angelina Jolie. She's tall, long legs, deep brown hair, blue eyes that will startle you with their depth, perfect smile, nice nose, and beautiful figure. She's 21 and has smile lines, because she loves to smile and laugh. She's got a beautiful voice, and sings opera. She dresses well, always. It's just the way that she was raised. She doesn't leave the house in sweats (unless the two of us are going out for a hung-over breakfast), and she always wears makeup when she goes out. Again, the way she was raised. But she's not afraid to get dirty, she's not afraid to tackle someone when playing football, and she's not afraid to give someone what-for.

And still, she is the sweetest, nicest, most caring person I know. We've been friends since I was 3.

Wanna know the odd thing? She can't get a boyfriend to save her life. Seriously. Because she's too beautiful. She intimidates men. She'll get a guy's attention, but all they want her for is a piece of ass, and not to learn her inner side.

My whole life, I've envied her looks.. I was the fatter, uglier one. (I no longer feel this way).

Her whole life, she recently told me, she's envied my looks. Because people who are going to love me, are going to love me for everything, not just want to hang me on their arm as some kind of bauble.

Beautiful people sometimes can't be faulted for their beauty. (By the way, I don't think Pam Anderson is beautiful at all, seeing as she's so fake). And beautiful people can be beautiful inside and out.









As to those of you who want to find a woman with a soul. For Christ's sake, would you dig yourself out of your self-pity for just a FEW seconds, and realize that there are a LOT of women out there who are looking for a man with a soul, too, but their own self-confidence is what impedes them? There are a lot of women out there who would like to date you, but they've been raised in such a way that they have to wait for the man to ask. (I was raised this way).

Nothing in this life is going to happen FOR you. You have to make happen what you WANT to have happen in this life.

So get off your ass and go!

Best of luck to you all.

Bravo. Simply bravo.

 

[Lynnezertorte]

Vixenshe & PhoenixStone....I applaud you!!!!

 

[Lorrie Flash]

There's really no such thing as "ugly". People tend to judge like that purely based on advertisments/the entertainment world's view of their own personal taste of what's ugly or beautiful.

 

[Lorrie Flash]

Citadel,
There is no such thing as a physically ugly person. There are however people that are ugly because of their personalities. Ugly isn't a physical thing, its a state of mind.

I've known super-model types that were drop dead beautiful and at the same time ugly people. And I've known some women that were by today's media standards, ugly on the outside, but thier personalities gave them a light which shined as bright as the sun.

Excellent point, Bob!

Super model, Tara Banks, once said, "Nobody looks perfect. We ALL have flaws. Everyone."

 

[rosco rathbone]

Let's don't get too carried away with the "nobody is ugly" circle jerk.

Plenty of people are butt ass ugly. Look at Joey Butafucco for example. However, he got to bang some fine teenage snatch by relying on his other, positive attributes: Italian-American suavite and charm, relatively high income (relative to Amy FIsher that is), and ruthless lizardism.

The bottom line is, one's physical appearance is only part of the story. A large part--but charisma, charm, heart, love, intelligence, talent, etc etc, will carry you a long way.

Taking care of yourself and "making the best of what you've got" can't hurt.

Now....you pining uglies...ask yourself THIS:

do you seek a beautiful lover.

are you willing to see the internal beauty in others.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I think if your looking for a woman with a soul, the best thing to do would be to stop thinking of what you want (a woman 'with a soul') and work on having a soul yourself.

When your out there doing things like feeding the hungry, or attending folk music festivals, or encouraging people to vote, or whatever, you'll probably meet someone with similer interests that you'd like to get to know better.

Same goes for women too naturally. The thing about a woman's soul or personality or whatever, is that it takes a lot more time to see it than it does to see the externals.

If you get stuck in selfish mode (only thinking of what you want and why you can't find it) your going to find and attract others who are also in selfish mode.

So whether you are beautiful or ugly- express your soul, let your soul sing and someone who's soul is in harmony with yours will find there way to you.

As to those of you who want to find a woman with a soul. For Christ's sake, would you dig yourself out of your self-pity for just a FEW seconds, and realize that there are a LOT of women out there who are looking for a man with a soul, too, but their own self-confidence is what impedes them? There are a lot of women out there who would like to date you, but they've been raised in such a way that they have to wait for the man to ask. (I was raised this way).

Nothing in this life is going to happen FOR you. You have to make happen what you WANT to have happen in this life.

So get off your ass and go!

Best of luck to you all.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Well, I don't think this is necessarily true.

People are attracted to different types physically. I think plenty of guys are hot that lots of women wouldn't look twice at. Other's that I know are turned on by men to whom I do not see the attraction. So I think that everybody is probably attractive to somebody.

I don't happen to think that Joey Butafucco is 'butt ass ugly' or anywere close. Just for the record. The point is that tastes vary.

Let's don't get too carried away with the "nobody is ugly" circle jerk.

Plenty of people are butt ass ugly. Look at Joey Butafucco for example. However, he got to bang some fine teenage snatch by relying on his other, positive attributes: Italian-American suavite and charm, relatively high income (relative to Amy FIsher that is), and ruthless lizardism.

The bottom line is, one's physical appearance is only part of the story. A large part--but charisma, charm, heart, love, intelligence, talent, etc etc, will carry you a long way.

Taking care of yourself and "making the best of what you've got" can't hurt.

Now....you pining uglies...ask yourself THIS:

do you seek a beautiful lover.

are you willing to see the internal beauty in others.

 

[Citadel]

"As to those of you who want to find a woman with a soul. For Christ's sake, would you dig yourself out of your self-pity for just a FEW seconds, and realise that there are a LOT of women out there who are looking for a man with a soul, too, but their own self-confidence is what impedes them? "

It never seems to stop them dating rich, evil bastards who only want to use them. This so-called lack of self-confidence fades very easy when the money is splashed around, eh?

A woman looking for a man with soul.....Yeah, like the military is looking for a chance NOT to use the latest hardware it bought with your tax-dollars.

It's less, I guess from this thread, ugly versus beautiful as opposed to gender Vs intellect. Some men look to the soul, but do some women look to more than just the face and wallet?....surely it cannot have become a matter of the way we were all raised?

Your so-called soul-rich women need to do one simple thing. It's not make the first move (heaven forbid a liberated woman should ever go where society tells her not to), it's not in telling all the "nice" men to "buck up their game, we are here waiting for you" either. It's simply this:

Show yourselves. Let's see all these so-called "sensitive" women in our everyday lives, as opposed to the self-centred bitches we encounter daily.

Who knows, you might just start a trend?

 

[Lynnezertorte]

"As to those of you who want to find a woman with a soul. For Christ's sake, would you dig yourself out of your self-pity for just a FEW seconds, and realise that there are a LOT of women out there who are looking for a man with a soul, too, but their own self-confidence is what impedes them? "

It never seems to stop them dating rich, evil bastards who only want to use them. This so-called lack of self-confidence fades very easy when the money is splashed around, eh?

A woman looking for a man with soul.....Yeah, like the military is looking for a chance NOT to use the latest hardware it bought with your tax-dollars.

It's less, I guess from this thread, ugly versus beautiful as opposed to gender Vs intellect. Some men look to the soul, but do some women look to more than just the face and wallet?....surely it cannot have become a matter of the way we were all raised?

Your so-called soul-rich women need to do one simple thing. It's not make the first move (heaven forbid a liberated woman should ever go where society tells her not to), it's not in telling all the "nice" men to "buck up their game, we are here waiting for you" either. It's simply this:

Show yourselves. Let's see all these so-called "sensitive" women in our everyday lives, as opposed to the self-centred bitches we encounter daily.

Who knows, you might just start a trend?

The women are not the ones with the issues.....you are. With an attitude like that, no wonder women aren't attracted to you.

It sounds like you are too lazy to put an effort into making yourself "likeable". The fact that you hate yourself has nothing to do with the "bitches" you encounter daily.

Stop blaming the world for your problems.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

"As to those of you who want to find a woman with a soul. For Christ's sake, would you dig yourself out of your self-pity for just a FEW seconds, and realise that there are a LOT of women out there who are looking for a man with a soul, too, but their own self-confidence is what impedes them? "

It never seems to stop them dating rich, evil bastards who only want to use them. This so-called lack of self-confidence fades very easy when the money is splashed around, eh?

A woman looking for a man with soul.....Yeah, like the military is looking for a chance NOT to use the latest hardware it bought with your tax-dollars.

It's less, I guess from this thread, ugly versus beautiful as opposed to gender Vs intellect. Some men look to the soul, but do some women look to more than just the face and wallet?....surely it cannot have become a matter of the way we were all raised?

Your so-called soul-rich women need to do one simple thing. It's not make the first move (heaven forbid a liberated woman should ever go where society tells her not to), it's not in telling all the "nice" men to "buck up their game, we are here waiting for you" either. It's simply this:

Show yourselves. Let's see all these so-called "sensitive" women in our everyday lives, as opposed to the self-centred bitches we encounter daily.

Who knows, you might just start a trend?

Women with low self-confidence are PRECISELY the ones who'll date a rich person who treats them like shit. They feel that's the best they're gonna get, and the money in some miniscule way makes up for the emotional heartache that that person is causing them.

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT try to dissect women, to a woman's face. Unless you're female, you're gonna fail. And in this case, you are most definately wrong. Sorry. But no-go.

Women with souls ARE showing themselves, every day. Every minute of every day. But women with soul are the ones who are going to get on with their lives and do the things they enjoy and be the person they want to be. Women with soul aren't tied to what society thinks. They aren't necessarily ugly chicks with inner beauty. They can be stunningly gorgeous, and have the soul to match. We (and I definately include myself in there) are OUT THERE, making our lives. It is because we HAVE soul that we don't LOOK for men.

I did the whole 'I'm gonna ask him out' thing. I did it. It failed, many times, miserably. Then I realized that I was trying to hard. I realized that I was working hard at having what everyone around me dictated I should have. A man. Pffft! Jesus. So I sat back one day and I realized that, if I am meant to have a man in my life, I will meet him. If I'm meant to have a woman in my life, I will meet her. In the meantime, I have a life to build. I have hobbies to pursue, I have degrees to attain.

Finding a mate is the after-effect of building a good solid foundation in your soul. It is the result of years of finding out who you are, and learning to become very comfortable in your skin. It is the result of having people leave you, and you being FINE with that loss.. because you are strong and will move on.

I have been thinking about this thread a lot.

I have dated some men that others ... well, they didn't see the attraction. My ex-fiance was an okay-looking guy. Big tummy. But I loved it on him, because it was part of him. I dated a guy who was 5 inches shorter than me, had yellow teeth, a broken nose, and generally seemed like a dirty old man... but he was the funniest guy I ever met, and he was completely confident in his own skin. *smile* I should call him. My current man, I think is the epitome of beautiful. But a lot of women don't see the attraction. He's really tall, rather pale, long hair, etc. But I think he's just gorgeous. I'm lucky to have him. All of these men, however, had one thing, which made them sexy: confidence. They believed in themselves. They believed in what they had to offer. Patrick, my short ex (no offence to short men), knew he was a funny guy. He knew he was a little off-beat. He knew that he was a great lover. He knew that he could cook, and could treat a woman like a queen. And he WAS all those things. Those are the things that attracted me after we were introduced. His appearance grew on me and I simply found him lovable after that.


None of these men were people I would have approached, even if I was into approaching. They approached me, and over time, love grew. It grew out of friendship and trust. It grew out of common interests. It grew out of looking for a friend first, and realizing our friend could be our mate.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that confidence is the epitome of sexiness. You can't fabricate it. You can't lie about it. It has to be there.