How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he
comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where
she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he
gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have
a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to
the
bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand
against
the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and
her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right
on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where
she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he
gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have
a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to
the
bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand
against
the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and
her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right
on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
wally2450
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- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
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The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug
store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered,
set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom.
"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it." The
counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream
content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in
the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What," asked the ice cream
purveyor, "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has
been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to
her."
store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered,
set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom.
"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it." The
counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream
content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in
the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What," asked the ice cream
purveyor, "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has
been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to
her."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
There was this girl who lived in New Jersey, and she loved it so much
that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State.
One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to
feel up her right tit. "I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said,
and she smiled in assent. Working his hand down her ass, he asked,
"And this?" "I call that Freehole," she said. Getting hot and heavy,
he maneuvered his hand around to the front. "I bet you call this
Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly. "Nope. That's Eatontown."
that she named parts of her body after places in the Garden State.
One night she confided this to her boyfriend as he was beginning to
feel up her right tit. "I bet you call this Mount Pleasant," he said,
and she smiled in assent. Working his hand down her ass, he asked,
"And this?" "I call that Freehole," she said. Getting hot and heavy,
he maneuvered his hand around to the front. "I bet you call this
Cherry Hill," he said triumphantly. "Nope. That's Eatontown."
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 16,474
An Irish Joke
My favorite drinking spot!
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much th at when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.
But he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
My favorite drinking spot!
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much th at when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.
But he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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wally2450 said:
LMAO ,,,,,,,
glynndah
good little witch.
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An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind. A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat." "But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat." "But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!"
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
Jill, being the "only buy-on-sale shopper," beckoned
to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to
white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that
store dummy over there?"
"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.
"Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at
S. Klein's downtown!"
"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."
And Jill replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring
what the lambs do at night?"
to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to
white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that
store dummy over there?"
"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.
"Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at
S. Klein's downtown!"
"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."
And Jill replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring
what the lambs do at night?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
Grandpas, do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall!
A small child was lost at a large shopping mall. A
uniformed policeman approached the crying child and asked what was wrong.
Screaming, the child answered, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little child hesitated for a moment, stopped crying and then sobbed,
"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
A small child was lost at a large shopping mall. A
uniformed policeman approached the crying child and asked what was wrong.
Screaming, the child answered, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little child hesitated for a moment, stopped crying and then sobbed,
"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
You know you are Italian
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to
America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..
You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave
twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two
cappicola
sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer
are
all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five
of
those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother
had
an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. Your grandfather had a fig tree.
. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
. You've called someone a "mamaluke."
. And you understand "bada bing"
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to
America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..
You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave
twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two
cappicola
sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer
are
all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five
of
those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother
had
an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
. Your grandfather had a fig tree.
. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
. You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
. You've called someone a "mamaluke."
. And you understand "bada bing"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars..
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars..
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and
a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big,
my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynecologist: "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."
a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me,
and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big,
my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."
French Gynecologist: "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
An Actual letter written to Proctor & Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite
feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo".
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you f **&^^# kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.
And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep...Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX-
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite
feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo".
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you f **&^^# kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.
And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep...Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX-
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
> >>I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
>
> >>old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
> >>
> >>The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
>Orange and blue.
> >>
> >>The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
> >>old man staring every time.
> >>
> >>When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
>Matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
> >>
> >>The old man didn't bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
>
> >>sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
> >
> >
>
> >>old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
> >>
> >>The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
>Orange and blue.
> >>
> >>The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
> >>old man staring every time.
> >>
> >>When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the
>Matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
> >>
> >>The old man didn't bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
>
> >>sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
> >
> >
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth
going bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that one falling victim to
temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and
one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity-one of the girls must
be quite ill."
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth
going bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that one falling victim to
temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and
one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity-one of the girls must
be quite ill."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
YOU'RE A BIKER WHEN...
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more
beer.
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you
park the bike.
- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe
it off.
- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the
basement.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike
home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike
home.
- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike
in and does doughnuts in the living room.
- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike
will start.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can
walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines
on it.
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
- All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more
beer.
- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you
park the bike.
- You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe
it off.
- Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the
basement.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike
home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
- You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike
home.
- Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike
in and does doughnuts in the living room.
- You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
- You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike
will start.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can
walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines
on it.
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
- Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
- All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Class Reunion
Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not
seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as
to who might show up.
When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high
school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.
"How have you been?" he asks.
"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I
do have some good news and a little bad news, though."
"Bad news first, Marilyn."
"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."
"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."
"But the good news is the doctor found your old high
school class ring you thought you lost!"
Larry goes to his High School class reunion. Having not
seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as
to who might show up.
When he gets there he runs into Marilyn, his old high
school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.
"How have you been?" he asks.
"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I
do have some good news and a little bad news, though."
"Bad news first, Marilyn."
"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."
"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."
"But the good news is the doctor found your old high
school class ring you thought you lost!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Two Trees
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word
or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of
a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have
ever put my pecker in.
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word
or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in
the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of
a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have
ever put my pecker in.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, s
he went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite a
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small
for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about
how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very
limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he
agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a
postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
reads as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED "
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, s
he went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her
tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite a
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small
for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about
how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very
limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he
agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a
postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
reads as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED "
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "that’s a lot of milk, do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it onto my
eyes."
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "that’s a lot of milk, do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it onto my
eyes."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
According to a new study, a record number of babies are being born in
cars on the L, A. Freeways. The traffic is so bad that women can?t
reach the hospital in time. This is the only place in the world where
you can conceive in the back seat, have the baby in the passenger
seat and die of old age in the traffic in the driver?s seat. It?s the
cycle of life. (Jay Leno)
cars on the L, A. Freeways. The traffic is so bad that women can?t
reach the hospital in time. This is the only place in the world where
you can conceive in the back seat, have the baby in the passenger
seat and die of old age in the traffic in the driver?s seat. It?s the
cycle of life. (Jay Leno)
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