How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be
friends." the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with
a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise old
lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not
quite so often.

 

[wally2450]

Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
months

 

[MagicFingers]

Easter thought

I meant to get this posted on Easter, but am a little late.
Watched the last 2/3 of "The Ten Commandments" with my kids. They had to see the sea parting, and the 10 plagues. Remembered this one:

Jesus, A Jewish Rabbi, A Catholic Priest, and a Baptist minister were crossing a small river. When they approached it, they all stopped and wondered how they were going to pass over to the other side.

Jesus said, "Fear not. Believe in the Lord and the Lord will provide."
and he proceeded to walk across the water to the other side, as he is wont to do at times.

The Rabbi thought, 'My faith is strong. If the Son of God can do this, I can do this too.'
And he proceeded to walk across the water and reached the other side with great relief.

The priest thought, 'If the son on Mary can do this, I can too."
And he, too, reached the other side safely.

Now, the Baptist minister had just as strong a faith as the others, so he said a prayer and started into the water. The water got deeper and deeper until he was in it up to his neck. His faith was wavering as he continued to pray harder.

Noticing the minister's predicament, the Rabbi said to Jesus, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

 

[wally2450]

Three male Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow

and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the

vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.



The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why

are you here?"



The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on

everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the

kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed

in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"



Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown

lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."



The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"



The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under

fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the

hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big

hole in my owner's couch."



So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab

inquired.



"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected

yellow lab said.



The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"



I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump

anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,

postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and

was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't

help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping

away".



The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and

said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"



The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

[wally2450]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[wally2450]

The Black Box

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly
funded a project with the U.S. automakers (GM and Ford) for the past 5
years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in
4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"
Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different, where
89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try
somethin."

 

[wally2450]

Top Signs You're A Slut.....

. You become a K-Y spokesperson.

. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.

. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...

....just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

. When they change your area code to 6969.

. Tetracycline is your best friend.

. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.

. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.

. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

. When your ceiling mirrors fog.

. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

. Madonna comes to you for pointers.

. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.

.When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

 

[glynndah]

Watch for these business mergers in 2007:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.
R.Grace will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly Warner Cracker.


3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.


5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!


And finally.........


9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

 

[Spence99]

Watch for these business mergers in 2007:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.
R.Grace will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly Warner Cracker.


3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.


5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!


And finally.........


9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

*giggle giggle*

 

[wally2450]

US Corporate Policy

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion about getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, plus extra vacation days for practices, and also bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

 

[LastoftheGentlemen]

man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but of no use to me at all. I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

 

[wally2450]

man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but of no use to me at all. I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

 

[wally2450]

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful
to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later
question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he
asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually
asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be
his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife
reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating
mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a
real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

 

[wally2450]

My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me
cigars!

 

[wally2450]

Definitions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.
MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of
spaghetti without it touching the sides.
MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.
MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.
NONDESCRIPT: A television play.
ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.
ORGY: Grope therapy.
PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.
PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.
PIMP: Nookie Bookie.
PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.
PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.
PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.
RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.
RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.
REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.
SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.
SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.
SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.
SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.
SONATA: A song sung by Frank.
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.
TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.
TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a
projection without objection.
VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.
VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.
VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.
VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.
VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.
WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.
WET DREAM: A snorgasm.
ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.
CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.
DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.
GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.
INCEST: Relatively boring.
INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.
LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.
MASTURBATION: I-balling.
SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.

 

[wally2450]

Ida the office blonde said that with all the new transplants
they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again.
But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell
do you think they'd find a donor?"

 

[NippleMuncher]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[wally2450]

Just in case you've had a rough day or a rough week, here's a stress

management technique recommended in all the latest psychological

texts.

The funny thing is that it really works. Read ALL of this!

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called work.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a

cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding

underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already

 

[wally2450]

"What grounds do you think you have?" asked the attorney whom the
woman was consulting about a divorce. "My husband keeps bringing his
work home with him night after night!" exclaimed the client. "But
that's hardly grounds for divorce," smiled the attorney. "Why, I do
that myself." "Sure, I can see a man doing it if he's a lawyer,"
snapped the woman, "but my husband's a pimp."

 

[smoothdevil]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6 Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember. . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
-- And you thought it was gravity. . . .
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: UPS AIRPLANE MECHANICS

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Page 3 of 4

 

[smoothdevil]

> Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
> can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will
> cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB. This is a major
> breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at
> their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[wally2450]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any
animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a . 308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7 mm MGA Rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, Skunk, killed with an ax."

 

[Weird Harold]

Subject: UPS AIRPLANE MECHANICS

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, ...

FWIW, that fictitious list of complaints and smart-ass fixes has been around since long before UPS ever existed. My Dad had a copy of the list that dated from WWII and I've seen it atributed to almost every institution that has ever owned even the most primitive airlplane.

 

[wally2450]

A redneck arrived home from work one day and found, to his dismay,
his young wife laying on the couch with a very swollen esophagus and
neck. She also was ailin' with a high fever. He immediately put her
in his pickup truck and drove to the emergency room of a local
hospital. They, in turn, admitted her into the Intensive Care Unit
and asked that he wait in the waiting room. After 2 hours of pacing,
the man was getting impatient, increasingly more irritated and upset.
Finally the ICU doctor came through the door and approached him. The
redneck blurted out, "What the hell's wrong with mah wife, Doc?!" The
doctor looked at him very calmly and said, "Mr. Jackson, I think your
wife has acute angina, and I want to keep her here tonight." With a
very loud voice, the redneck said, "Like hell!! I think it's cute
too, but what are you doin' lookin' at it to begin with, when the
problem's is in her neck?"