How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff. "You claim that
the defendant stole your money from your stocking?" "That's right,
Your Honor," "Well, why didn't you resist?" The girl blushed and
lowered her eyes. "I didn't know he was after my money, Your Honor."

 

[smoothdevil]

FWIW, that fictitious list of complaints and smart-ass fixes has been around since long before UPS ever existed. My Dad had a copy of the list that dated from WWII and I've seen it atributed to almost every institution that has ever owned even the most primitive airlplane.

did your dad laugh ? .... that's the important point ...

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/138915.jpg

 

[Ron54]

If you don't laugh call 911 urdead!

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:



1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like . . night.

3.) On the other hand . . you have different fingers

4.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6.) Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10.) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12.) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14.) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15.) OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16.) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17.) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18.) Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19.) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines..

21.) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22.) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23.) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24.) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25.) Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26.) Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27.) Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[Weird Harold]

did your dad laugh ? .... that's the important point ...

He thought they were funny enough to save them for twenty years and share them with me when I went into aircraft maintenance.

(I've also seen a similar list blamed on American Airlines pilots and maintenance in Reader's Digest.)

 

[wally2450]

When the women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned much
unlike the women in Los Angeles, who usually get stoned first and
then they commit adultery.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

 

[jadefirefly]

He thought they were funny enough to save them for twenty years and share them with me when I went into aircraft maintenance.

(I've also seen a similar list blamed on American Airlines pilots and maintenance in Reader's Digest.)

I've always gotten via email attributed to Qantas, but either way it always makes me giggle.

 

[smoothdevil]

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:



1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like . . night.

3.) On the other hand . . you have different fingers

4.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6.) Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10.) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12.) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14.) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15.) OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16.) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17.) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18.) Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19.) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines..

21.) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22.) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23.) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24.) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25.) Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26.) Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27.) Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

SUPER ... LMAO

 

[wally2450]

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are
also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to
get
it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer
glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.'

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/139232.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and
said,
"Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."

"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.

"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her off
of it."

 

[wally2450]

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their
Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice
CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in
pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them
each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than
enough to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had
wed after a whirlwind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to
lead her towards the bedroom. "God!" she muttered, "every stinking
time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."

 

[wally2450]

TIT MONDAY

It's near!

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy.

For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday. Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. In 2005 it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs.

It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples. So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

 

[wally2450]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in arkansas. His dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that stupid little shit on your knee."

 

[wally2450]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, little Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

 

[wally2450]

"Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I Screwed up and
started another one," said Laura. "How'd you do that?" asked Keli.
"Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a Big fight and
your significant other suggests a Little 'make-up sex?'" "Yeah" says
Keli. Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for Me to ask,
'Does it have to be with you?'"

 

[wally2450]

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on
the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble,
Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have
anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/139636.gif

 

[smoothdevil]

>This is a hoot!
>
>Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
>off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
>and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't
>know what's worse:
>
>1) having your mistress find out you're married.
>
>2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis
>
>3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
>

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Fw: Zoo Keeper..........


>A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
>Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
>
>
>Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
>The gorilla was in heat.
>To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
>
>Thinking about their problem,
>the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,
>a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
>Bobby Lee, like most rednecks,
>had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any
>species.
>
>The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
>Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.
>Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
>
>Bobby Lee showed some interest,
>but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
>
>The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only
>under four conditions:
>
>1. "First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
>The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition
>
>2. "Second', he said, 'You can't never tell no one about this."
>The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
>
>3. "Third', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised Southern
>Baptist."
>Once again it was agreed.
>
>4. And last, Bobby Lee said,
>"I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00!"

 

[smoothdevil]

>"Daily Double"
>
>
>Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
>sexually.
>
>He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to
>work.
>So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
>The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
>
>That said, he throws a white powder in
>a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
>Then he says, "This is powerful medicine.
>You can only use it once a year. All you
>have to do is say '123' and it shall rise
>for as long as you wish!"
>The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't wa nt to
>continue?"
>
>The medicine man replies: "All you or
>your partner has to say is 1234, and it
>will go down. But be warned -- it will
>not work again for another year!"
>
>Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night
>he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers,shaves, and puts on his most
>exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
>
>He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the
>medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and
>asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
>
>And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
>preposition!
>

 

[smoothdevil]

> BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
>
>
> 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
>your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
>
>
>
>
> 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
>possible.
>
>
>
>
> 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
>clothes.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>_____
>
>
>
> Preparing for the Birth:
>
> 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
>
> 2nd baby: You don'! t bother because you remember that
>last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.
>
> 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
> The Layette :
>
> 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes,
>color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
>
>
> 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
>clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
> 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
> Worries:
>
> 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
>frown--you pick up the baby.
> 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
>to wake your firstborn.
>
> 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind
>the mechanical swing
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
>
>
> Pacifier:
>
> 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it
>away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
>
> 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you
>squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
>
> 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back
>in.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
> Diapering:
>
> 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
>whether they need it or not.
>
> 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three
>hours, if needed.
>
>
>
>
> 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others
>start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
>
>
> ____________
>_________ _________ _________ _________ ______
>
>
>
> Activities:
>
> 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby
>Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
>
> 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
>
> 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
>the dry cleaner.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
> Going Out:
>
> 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a
>sitter, you call home five times.
>
> 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
>remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
>
> 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call
>only if she sees blood.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
> At Home:
> 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing
>at the baby.
>
> 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be
>sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
>
>
>
>
> 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding
>from the children.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
> Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
>
> 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush
>the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
>
>
>
>
> 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you
>carefully watch for the coin to pass.
>
> 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct
>it from his allowance!
> _____

 

[wally2450]

> BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
>
>
> 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
>your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
>
>
>
>
> 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
>possible.
>
>
>
>
> 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
>clothes.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>_____
>
>
>
> Preparing for the Birth:
>
> 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
>
> 2nd baby: You don'! t bother because you remember that
>last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing.
>
> 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
> The Layette :
>
> 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes,
>color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
>
>
> 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
>clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
> 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
> Worries:
>
> 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a
>frown--you pick up the baby.
> 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
>to wake your firstborn.
>
> 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind
>the mechanical swing
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
>
>
> Pacifier:
>
> 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it
>away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
>
> 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you
>squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
>
> 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back
>in.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
> Diapering:
>
> 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
>whether they need it or not.
>
> 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three
>hours, if needed.
>
>
>
>
> 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others
>start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
>
>
> ____________
>_________ _________ _________ _________ ______
>
>
>
> Activities:
>
> 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby
>Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
>
> 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
>
> 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and
>the dry cleaner.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
> Going Out:
>
> 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a
>sitter, you call home five times.
>
> 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
>remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
>
> 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call
>only if she sees blood.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
>
> At Home:
> 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing
>at the baby.
>
> 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be
>sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
>
>
>
>
> 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding
>from the children.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
>______
>
>
> Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
>
> 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush
>the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
>
>
>
>
> 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you
>carefully watch for the coin to pass.
>
> 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct
>it from his allowance!
> _____

lmao!

 

[wally2450]

A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she

can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

[wally2450]

A Mississippi gal, Daisy Mae, was involved in a serious crash;
there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag her out of
the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you have a concussion.

Daisy Mae: OK

Medic: OK then how many fingers am I putting up

Daisy Mae: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!