How to make people laugh

[glynndah]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
> This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
>
> On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
> The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
> meant business!
>
> The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
> "How much money do you make a week?"
>
> A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make
> $300 a week. Why?"
>
> The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
> weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
>
> Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
> asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
>
> From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[wally2450]

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the
crotch!

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/140644.jpg

 

[MercyMia]

Calling the Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72." (BINGO)

 

[Leah57]

Petey the Snake.... best read aloud...

Petey was a snake, only so big... Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit; go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside the pit to hiss.

Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey if you must hiss in a pit go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit."

Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit.

She said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss."

This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?"

Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissin in her pit and said, 'Petey if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit and hiss. Don't hiss in my pit.'"

This made Petey's mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in!!"

 

[wally2450]

The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have
to give up analysis." "But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?" "Yes,
a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to
lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/141323.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test
on male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand
why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it
pounded into you all semester.

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/141352.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Default Historic Moment
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

----------------------------------------------------------------

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.

Somehow the woman looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Hillary Clinton

or

you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her mind, at least)

===============================================

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer......

"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"


I think I would use the black and white to capture the historical event personally.

 

[wally2450]

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the
man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!"
demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in
a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/142226.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed," Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/142241.jpg

 

[Ron54]

Fine Dining

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[glynndah]

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well." said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Fw: petition

.
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for months.




Please, keep it going!

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.





1.Bill
2.Chelesa
3.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: 5 rules for a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to
time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

[smoothdevil]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
One said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

[wally2450]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
One said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

lmao!

 

[smoothdevil]

The Olympic Gold Medal. Before The Final Match, The Redneck Wrestler's Trainer Came To Him And Said, "now, Don't Forget All The Research We've Done On This Russian. He's Never Lost A Match Because Of This 'pretzel' Hold He Has. Whatever You Do, Don't Let Him Get You In That Hold! If He Does, You're Finished."

The Redneck Nodded In Acknowledgment.

As The Match Started, The Redneck And The Russian Circled Each Other S Everal Times, Looking For An Opening.

All Of A Sudden, The Russian Lunged Forward, Grabbing The Redneck And Wrapping Him Up In The Dreaded Pretzel Hold. A Sigh Of Disappointment Arose From The Crowd And The Trainer Buried His Face In His Hands, For He Knew All Was Lost. He Couldn't Watch The Inevitable Happen.

Suddenly, There Was A Scream, Then A Cheer From The Crowd And The Trainer Raised His Eyes Just In Time To Watch The Russian Go Flying Up In The Air. His Back Hit The Mat With A Thud And The Redneck Collapsed On Top Of Him Making The Pin And Winning The Match.

T He Trainer Was Astounded. When He Finally Got His Wrestler Alone, He Asked, "how Did You Ever Get Out Of That Hold? No One Has Ever Done It Before!"

The Wrestler Answered "well, I Was Ready To Give Up When He Got Me In That Hold, But At The Last Moment, I Opened My Eyes And Saw This Pair Of Testicles Right In Front Of My Face. I Had Nothing To Lose So With My Last Ounce Of Str Ength I Stretched Out My Neck And Bit Those Babies Just As Hard As I Could."

So The Trainer Exclaimed, "that's What Finished Him Off!"

"not Really. You'd Be Amazed How Strong You Get When You Bite Your Own Nuts."

 

[wally2450]

"Senile?"

A couple are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary-they go down to
their old school-there, in a corner, they
hold hands as they find their old desk
where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On the way home, a bag of money falls
out of the armored car in front of them.
She picks it up and counts fifty thousand
dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give
it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And
when they get home she hides it in
the attic.

The next day, two FBI men show up
at their home. They say,"Pardon me,
did any one in this house find any
money that fell out of an armored
car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "My wife is lying,
she took the money and hid it in the
attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit
senile."

So they sit the man down and begin to
question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell
us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, my wife and I
were on our way home from school..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says,
"Let's get the hell out of here."

 

[wally2450]

The Monkey And The Car Crash!
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

 

[NippleMuncher]

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them is a cannibal."

 

[MercyMia]

"Senile?"

The husband says, "My wife is lying,
she took the money and hid it in the
attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit
senile."

So they sit the man down and begin to
question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell
us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, my wife and I
were on our way home from school..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says,
"Let's get the hell out of here."

HA ha ha ha ha! Cute one, wally!