How to make people laugh

[MercyMia]

She's Smart

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would l ike to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the net and even the library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her u p and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

[wally2450]

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them is a cannibal."

lmao!

 

[wally2450]

Twins-She could be blond
Twins

The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.

"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are
going to have twins."

"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've
never been out on a double date in my life!"

 

[wally2450]

Things weren't going too well for the husband business-
wise and he got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet,
instead of the real one she wanted for their anniversary.
"I hope you understand sweetheart, but you can pretend
it's real."

"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can
pretend I'm there under you."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/143042.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/143061.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Things You'll Never Hear A Father Say

* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.

* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be
ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude. I like that in a young person!

* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO
CRAZY!

* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure
skating not good enough for you, son?

* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might
want to consider throwing a party.

* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably
one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes
it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's
and pay whatever they ask.

* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without
an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the
mall.

* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of
money for you to spend.

* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big
deal.

 

[wally2450]

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."



"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 

[wally2450]

Redneck

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas were visit-
ing the city and they were in a mall for the first time
in their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost every-
thing they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “Paw, what’s at?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in
my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son, “Boy………………go git cha Momma……………

 

[wally2450]

Actual Country Music Titles


1.. All I Want From You (Is Away)

2.. All My Exes Live In Texas

3.. All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down

4.. Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?

5.. Are You Drinking With Me Jesus?

6.. Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?

7.. At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

8.. Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's and I Cried All the
Way to Sears

9.. Bubba Shot The Jukebox

10.. Bubba's Inconvenience Store

11.. Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against
the Grain

12.. Cow Cow Blues

13.. Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)

14.. Cow Cow Strut

15.. Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter

16.. Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.

17.. Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a
Load!

18.. Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind

19.. Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel
That Leather When I Ride

20.. Don't Squeeze My Sharmon.

21.. Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)

22.. Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)

23.. Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

24.. Get Off the Table, Mabel

25.. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The
Bed.

26.. Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah

27.. Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

28.. Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.

29.. Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance

30.. Her Only Bad Habit Is Me

31.. Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

32.. High Cost of Low Living

33.. Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again

34.. How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from
Under Me

35.. How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away

36.. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You,
When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

37.. How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

38.. How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?

39.. I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me

40.. I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home

41.. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

42.. I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My
Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car

43.. I Don't Do Floors

44.. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

45.. I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me

46.. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

47.. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart

48.. I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed
Me With A Spade

49.. I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/143688.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the
slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, Coverage from the womb
to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the
resurrection."

 

[Weird Harold]

31.. Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

That's a cover title; the original version was from the 1940's(?) "Here's a nickel (call someone who cares.)" The original still got radio play well into the fifties.

49.. I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger

50.. She got the Goldmine; I got the Shaft.

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny's parents were having a party at their house. One of
the guests was observing Little Johnny, who would hold his chest
whenever he bent down.

After a few minutes, the woman asked Little Johnny, "Why do you hold
your chest whenever you bend down?"

Little Johnny said, "It is to keep my lungs from falling out. One day
my teacher was writing on the board, and the chalk fell down. When
she bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs come right out of
her chest!"

 

[2sunshine]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/HedgeAss.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/144113.jpg

 

[2sunshine]

Small cars just not safe?

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/MiniAccident.jpg

A bigger car might have been safer!

 

[sister76]

What did Bill Gates' wife say on their wedding night?

Micro...soft!

 

[wally2450]

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the
man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck he couldn't
move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude
beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she
managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn.
A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.

Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while
others worked to free them. Finally firemen cut away the car frame.
The 250 pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped
out of the car, too.

The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would
be fine, but she was so upset. She said she was worried about how
she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!

 

[2sunshine]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/Surgery.jpg

 

[2sunshine]

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

 

[smoothdevil]

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up...
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they got back into their shiny big black Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins...the Guinea Pigs.

 

[smoothdevil]

The Rescue

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland ."Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's."Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

 

[smoothdevil]

Dust

>>One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

>>"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

>>"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

>>She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

 

[smoothdevil]

>Three Labrador retrievers --- one chocolate , one yellow and one black
>were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck
>up a conversation. The yellow lab turned to the chocolate and said,
>"so, why are you here?"
>
>The chocolate lab replied, I'm a pisser, I piss on everything: the
>sofa, the curtains, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
>pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
>
>The yellow lab said, "so what is the vet going to do?" He is "gonna
>cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "They reckon
>it will calm me down."
>
>The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "why are you
>here?"
>
>The black lab said, I'm a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and
>trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the
>carpets. But, I went over the line last night when I dug a big hole in
>my owner's couch."
>
>"So what are they going to you?" the yellow lab inquired. "It looks
>like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected black lab said. The black
>lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "why are you here?"
>
>"I'm a humper," the yellow lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow,
the
>table, postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday,
>my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry
>her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
>started humping away."
>
>The black and chocolate labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "so,
>nuts off for you too?"
>
>The yellow lab said, "No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."
>
>