How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

a farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his
truck repaired. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said
he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped
by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens
and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem --- how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached
by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house. I will walk you there but I can't
carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of
paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a
chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your
other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to
walk the old girl to her destination.

On the way he said, "Let's take a short cut and go
down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him ever cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do
that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll
hold the chickens."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

LMAO ... super

 

[wally2450]

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an
hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of
living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had
signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk
for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed
most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red
brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President
with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The
proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they
came to select the new name given to the President. They explained
that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can
no longer fly.

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/144385.gif

 

[2sunshine]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/ChurchSign.jpg

 

[2sunshine]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/CellPhone.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Those last two pics
ROFLMAO!

 

[wally2450]

Diplomacy with the police

My brother's psychology professor, a Yankee's Yankee and a feminist's feminist, tells the following story on herself to illustrate that doctorates don't necessarily make you smart.

She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio. It was about 10 am, and she'd been driving the entire preceding day and night herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched for a motel in which to crash.

A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser, swaggered up to her driver's window, bent down, and drawled, "Lookie here, darlin',"--uh oh, everybody duck--"Lookie here, darlin', nobody blows through Georgia that fast."

Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: "Sherman did."

She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket; he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasn't the best idea in the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her, etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her search for someplace to crash.

True story--anyway, that's what my brother said.

 

[smoothdevil]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family
lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he
kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you
don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the
cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says "Are you going to tell him, or should ????

 

[wally2450]

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

 

[wally2450]

Boy

A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom,
I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again
asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to
question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him
leave happy.


Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of
cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her
curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing
why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son
sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.


"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.


"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a
prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

[smoothdevil]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

[2sunshine]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

 

[smoothdevil]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

lol lol ... but it's only quantity not quality

 

[wally2450]

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a
wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes
and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have
ever loved."

"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"



Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting
you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it."

 

[2sunshine]

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They had just finished a
wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes
and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have
ever loved."

"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"



Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting
you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it."

 

[2sunshine]

What were they thinking??

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/FuKing.jpg

 

[2sunshine]

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w181/2sunshine_pics/Cereal.jpg

 

[2sunshine]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any K-Y jelly. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[glynndah]

MY NEW WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him).
"It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore!

***

GOT TO LOVE WEST VIRGINIA A guy from WVA passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in anWVA hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if an WVA redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in WVA to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in WVA........ Documentaries.

A WVA State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million WVA State Lottery? (Come on, this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in WVA burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books, poof! up in flames, and they hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in WVA. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in WVA and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says, "I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 

[wally2450]

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his
buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young
wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a
performance! "Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave
my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. "Well,
being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited
quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any
longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened
her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a
rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a
performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

 

[wally2450]

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and
was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a
great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only
a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his
wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him
with a steely glare. Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my
dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a
purely professional consultation." "So I can well imagine." said his
wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"

 

[2sunshine]

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs. The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek. " Well, " said the older boy, " Remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb ! "

 

[wally2450]

Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes...... However,
having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes ...... So smokers ... Screw for
your lives!

Q. How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A. Stick two fingers in his honey.

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and
says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife
replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

 

[wally2450]

The father telling a family friend about his daughter's newly-
assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard: she works on a cutter that
escorts all cruise ships and international vessels under the bridges
in California's Bay Area. But what her father told his friend was,
"She's involved in some sort of escort service."