wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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Redneck father and son
There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition
with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a
university. He wanted to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a
lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I
got a score of 75%. It wasn't
good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that I better
take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he
went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot
of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got all
wrong but one." "Gee, Dad.
Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you
come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell", said the father, " I got that one wrong as well."
There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition
with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a
university. He wanted to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a
lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I
got a score of 75%. It wasn't
good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that I better
take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he
went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the
dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot
of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got all
wrong but one." "Gee, Dad.
Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you
come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
"Oh, hell", said the father, " I got that one wrong as well."
wally2450
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Classy insults...
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in reply
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about..."
Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in reply
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about..."
Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
wally2450
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wally2450
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Management Lesson
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging
down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin,
and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't
argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The
next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again,
made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep
over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for
body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on
the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the
bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass ."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the
first place before working hard to solve one."
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging
down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin,
and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't
argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The
next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again,
made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep
over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for
body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good
stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on
the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the
bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass ."
Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the
first place before working hard to solve one."
wally2450
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- 14,521
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his Drive into the
woods.Looking for his ball, he Found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big Bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from The cart and poured
it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers In relief. "I don't
want anything, I'm just glad You're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer
walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do
Something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A
Great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and The American
golfer is back. On the same hole, he again Hits a bad drive into the
woods and the Leprechaun is There waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little Guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally
famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're All
right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer Golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer Money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket And pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even
Know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, And says
shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know
If I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad For a Catholic priest
in a small parish.
woods.Looking for his ball, he Found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big Bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from The cart and poured
it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers In relief. "I don't
want anything, I'm just glad You're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer
walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do
Something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A
Great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and The American
golfer is back. On the same hole, he again Hits a bad drive into the
woods and the Leprechaun is There waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little Guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally
famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're All
right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer Golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer Money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket And pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even
Know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, And says
shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know
If I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad For a Catholic priest
in a small parish.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the
>ocean.
>
>Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it
>as the whaling ship that killed his father.
>
>Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship
>that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
>
>When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
>ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a
>million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to
>this.
>
>So they each took a d eep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
>enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
>crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
>
>The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the
>sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in
>the ocean.
>
>The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
>alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
>sailors!"
>
>That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
>"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
>ocean.
>
>Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it
>as the whaling ship that killed his father.
>
>Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship
>that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
>
>When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
>ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a
>million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to
>this.
>
>So they each took a d eep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
>enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
>crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
>
>The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the
>sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in
>the ocean.
>
>The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
>alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
>sailors!"
>
>That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
>"Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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wally2450 said:
What's the difference between an alcoholic and a lush?
A lush doesn't bother with any damned meetings.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Alcohol is bad for my legs...
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by herself...
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread".
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by herself...
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread".
wally2450
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Golf
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on
the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled
out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came
running up to him, crying.
"You b*stard !" she screamed in his face. "You lousy
no-good G~d damn stinking b*stard!"
"What's your problem, Mattie?" he calmly replied. "I
distinctly told you only if it rained."
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Kurt stood on
the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled
out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came
running up to him, crying.
"You b*stard !" she screamed in his face. "You lousy
no-good G~d damn stinking b*stard!"
"What's your problem, Mattie?" he calmly replied. "I
distinctly told you only if it rained."
wally2450
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Inebriated man
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and
slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry,.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"
she screamed.
"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound
exactly like her."
Alabama woman
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about
sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous
about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety
aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and
let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The
honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as
she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him
on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my
husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end
of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called
the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last
question doctor, what are those two big round things
about 12-14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband,
ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and
slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry,.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"
she screamed.
"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound
exactly like her."
Alabama woman
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about
sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.
As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous
about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety
aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and
let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The
honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as
she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him
on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my
husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end
of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called
the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last
question doctor, what are those two big round things
about 12-14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband,
ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
wally2450
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Pianist
A pianist in an intimate and dimly lit club couldn't
help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace
on a love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up
for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh,
could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," he agreed. "Just let me know when you're
through."
A pianist in an intimate and dimly lit club couldn't
help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace
on a love seat right in front of the piano.
They were rather distracting, but finally they came up
for air long enough to make a breathless request. "Uh,
could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," he agreed. "Just let me know when you're
through."
wally2450
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wally2450
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A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and
says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He
says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a
little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was
in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks
through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says,
"Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Adams
who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again, hmmms and
says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Adams who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "And
did you have an affair with Mrs. Adams?" The fellow scans his
notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Adams." The guy
says, "Well, I'm Mr. Adams and I don't like it!" Again the fellow
looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right, I didn't
like it either."
says, "Are you Joe Smith?" The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith." He
says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?" The fellow takes out a
little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was
in Chicago in early June." "Did you stay at the Hyatt?" The guy looks
through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his notebook and says,
"Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Adams
who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his book again, hmmms and
says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Adams who stayed in 1369." The guy says, "And
did you have an affair with Mrs. Adams?" The fellow scans his
notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Adams." The guy
says, "Well, I'm Mr. Adams and I don't like it!" Again the fellow
looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right, I didn't
like it either."
wally2450
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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the
main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman
for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the
jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child
around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a
painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me." The jury
is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man
replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a
drink comes out. Now tell me, who does the drink belong to: me or the
machine?"
main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman
for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the
jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child
around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a
painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me." The jury
is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man
replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a
drink comes out. Now tell me, who does the drink belong to: me or the
machine?"
wally2450
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wally2450
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
YA ALL be careful out there now ya hear......
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
YA ALL be careful out there now ya hear......
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Thoughts from Larry the cable guy!
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates….it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates….it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
>A blond guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
>deodorant.
>The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the man that,
>they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
>
>Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that he has been buying the stuff
>from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
>
>"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
>
>"But, I always buy it here!" says the blond.
>
>"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
>
>"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
>
>He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
>who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
>Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
>container:
> "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".
>
>
>deodorant.
>The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the man that,
>they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
>
>Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that he has been buying the stuff
>from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
>
>"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
>
>"But, I always buy it here!" says the blond.
>
>"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
>
>"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
>
>He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
>who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
>
>Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
>container:
> "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".
>
>
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
> Subject: The Golfing Nun
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
> She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
>
> "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought
> this was the day you spent with your family."
>
> "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
> We try to play golf as often as we can.
>
> You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
> Christ."
>
> "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
> day of recreation
> was not relaxing?"
>
> "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name
> in vain today!"
>
> "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
> tell me all about it!"
>
> "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -
> 540 yard Par 5, with a
> nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I
> creamed it.
> The sweetest swing I ever made.
>
> And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and
> it hits a bird in mid-flight
> not 100 yards off the tee!"
>
> "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
> didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
>
> "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
> fathom what had happened,
> this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the
> fairway!"
>
> "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
>
> "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud
> of myself! And while I was pondering
> whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and
> grabs the squirrel and flies off,
> with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
>
> "So that's when you cursed," said t he Mother with a knowing smile.
>
> "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
> the hawk started to fly out of sight,
> the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on
> the green, and the ball popped
> out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" *
>
> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
> chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
>
> "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
>
__________________
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
> She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
>
> "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought
> this was the day you spent with your family."
>
> "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
> We try to play golf as often as we can.
>
> You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
> Christ."
>
> "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
> day of recreation
> was not relaxing?"
>
> "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name
> in vain today!"
>
> "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
> tell me all about it!"
>
> "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -
> 540 yard Par 5, with a
> nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I
> creamed it.
> The sweetest swing I ever made.
>
> And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and
> it hits a bird in mid-flight
> not 100 yards off the tee!"
>
> "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
> didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
>
> "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
> fathom what had happened,
> this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the
> fairway!"
>
> "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
>
> "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud
> of myself! And while I was pondering
> whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and
> grabs the squirrel and flies off,
> with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
>
> "So that's when you cursed," said t he Mother with a knowing smile.
>
> "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
> the hawk started to fly out of sight,
> the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on
> the green, and the ball popped
> out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" *
>
> Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
> chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
>
> "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
>
__________________
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: FW: The Chicken and Horse
>>
>There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly
>the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer!
>Save me! Save me!"
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find
>him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos
>the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.
>The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life." Then a couple
>days later they are playing there again and this time the chicken falls
>into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me, help me!!! Go get the
>farmer!!!"
>So the horse says, "No! No! No! I think I can get you."
>The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my
>dick."
>The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the
>chicken's life. So what's the moral of the story???
>If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to pickup
>chicks.
>
>>
>There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly
>the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer!
>Save me! Save me!"
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find
>him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos
>the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.
>The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life." Then a couple
>days later they are playing there again and this time the chicken falls
>into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me, help me!!! Go get the
>farmer!!!"
>So the horse says, "No! No! No! I think I can get you."
>The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my
>dick."
>The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the
>chicken's life. So what's the moral of the story???
>If you have a dick the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to pickup
>chicks.
>
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