How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[wally2450]

Gold Digger
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

 

[smoothdevil]

Gold Digger
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

LMAO LMAO LMAO ... a real winner ... lol lol

 

[wally2450]

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he
stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You
aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd
better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife,
clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to
answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world
are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/147518.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

>> Due to general lawlessness on the part of youth in America today,
the
>> school systems suddenly realized that the curriculum had become
>> antiquated,
>> and no longer kept youth interested~
>>
>> Drastic overhauls in the way information is presented in core areas,
>> resulted in math that is now both understandable, and useful on a
daily
>> basis.
>>
>>
>>
>> LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
>>
>>
>> NAME____________________
>>
>>
>> GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
>>
>>
>> 1. Ramen has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out
of
>> every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
>> drive-by shootings can Ramen attempt before he has to reload?
>>
>> 2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to
>> Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the
street
>> value of the rest of his hold?
>>
>> 3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many
tricks
>> per
>> day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
>>
>> 4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make a
>> 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the
20%
>> profit?
>>
>> 5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and
>> $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many
>> more
>> Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
>>
>> 6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his
>> common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much
money
>> will
>> be left when he gets out?
>>
>> 7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
>> average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed
with
>> three
>> 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
>>
>> 8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.. There are 20 girls in his
>> gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
>>
>> 9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa
>> Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If
>> LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she
feed the
>> Boa on one week's income?
>>
>> 10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15
mph,
>> Juan
>> loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his
piece, how
>> far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Hear me talk!
CAROL

 

[wally2450]

Christian Lady

There's a little old Christian lady living
next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto
her front porch and shouts. . .

"Praise the Lord!"

The atheist then yells back,

"There is no God!"

She does this every morning
with the same result. As time
goes on, the lady runs into
financial difficulties and has
trouble buying food. She
goes out onto the porch and
asks God for help with her
groceries, then says. . .

"Praise the Lord!"

The next morning she goes
out onto the porch and there's
the groceries she's asked for.
So, of course, she says. .

"Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from
behind a bush and says,

"Ha! I bought those groceries --
there is no God."

The lady looks at him and smiles.
She then shouts. . .

"Praise the Lord, not only did
you provide for me Lord, you
made Satan pay for my groceries!"

 

[wally2450]

Artificial Insemination

http://download.yousendit.com/D0107B680C013F4C

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/147786.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"

His mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/147785.gif

 

[wally2450]

Lil Johnny

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Paris?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later,
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Menotti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Nikki Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Catelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Purina?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,
Johnny Paris, and I admire that. But you've sinned and
have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4
months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Stumpy
slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

 

[wally2450]

A woman was looking at the exhibition in the storefront windows. She
liked one of the dresses that was there, so she went inside, and
searched the racks -- but was unable to locate one like it. "May I
try on that dress in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the
manager of the designer boutique. "Go ahead," the manager replies.
"Maybe it'll attract business."


George Dubya Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his
brain scan. The doctor says, "Mr. President, I have some bad news for
you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides, the
left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that's
normal, isn't it? Doesn't everyone have two sides to their brain?"
The doctor replied, "Yes, Mr. President, but your brain is very
unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on
the right side there isn't anything left!"

 

[wally2450]

Try this quiz

This is a quiz for people who know
everything! I found out in a hurry that I
didn't. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight
answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither
the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest
ends.

2. What famous North American landmark
is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to
produce on their own for several growing
seasons. All other
vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial
vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear
brandy,
with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear
is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;
it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the
pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English
begin with the letters " dw" and they are
all common words.
Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English
grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is
never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked,
or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear
on your feet beginning with the letter "S."







Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither
the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until
the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark
constantly moving backward....
Niagara Falls (The rim is worn
down about two and a half feet
each year because of the millions
of gallons of water that rush over
it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can
live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons . .
Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the
outside . . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the
brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. (The bottles are placed
over pear buds when they are
small, and are wired in place on
the tree. The bottle is left in
place for the entire growing
season. When the pears are ripe,
they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning
with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in
English grammar . . . Period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
apostrophe, question mark,
exclamation point, quotation marks,
brackets, parenthesis, braces,
and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never
sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh
... Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on
your feet beginning with "s" ... Shoes,
socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis,
skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

 

[wally2450]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his
vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog
with me. He is well-groomed and very
well behaved. Would you be willing to
permit me to keep him in my room with me
at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel
owner, who said, "I've been operating this
hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of
the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is
welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog
will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too.

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/148459.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/148469.jpg

 

[wally2450]

QUICK JOKE

The following is supposedly a true story
relating to an actual event that took place
during a flight.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over
Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was
providing his passengers with a running
commentary about landmarks over the PA
system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the
Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist
attraction in northern Arizona. It was
formed when a lump of nickel and iron,
roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing
300,000 tons, struck the earth at about
40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot
debris for miles in every direction. The
hole measures nearly a mile across and is
570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard
to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the
highway!"

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/149020.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Quote's of the Day

"The air quality in New York City is getting worse and
worse. I was walking thought Central Park during my
lunch hour and, honest to God, you could hear the birds
coughing."
- David Letterman

"This week we've had some fun at the mayor's expense, so
last night I apologized to Mayor Newsom for all the jokes
I made about him. And the makeup sex was incredible."
- Conan O'Brien

"That D.C. madam released her client list. There hasn't
been this many nervous lawyers since Dick Cheney renewed
his hunting license."
- Craig Ferguson

 

[wally2450]

Moses Montefiore, the great nineteenth-century philanthropist, once
found himself seated next to an anti-Semitic nobleman at a dinner
party. "I have just returned from Japan," the nobleman was saying,
"and it is a most unusual country. Did you know that it has neither
pigs nor Jews?" "In that case," Montefiore replied, "you and I should
go there, so it will have a sample of each."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/149021.jpg

 

[Ron54]

Womans Thorsus

>40-ish............................................... 49
>
>Adventurous.....................................Sl ept with everyone
>
>Athletic.......................................... ...No tits
>
>Average looking................................Ugly
>
>Beautiful......................................... ...Pathological liar
>
>Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
>
>Emotionally Secure...........................On medication
>
>Free spirit.........................................Jun kie
>
>Friendship first..................................Former slut
>
>Fun............................................... ...Annoying
>
>New-Age.........................................Body hair in the wrong
>places
>
>Old-fashioned..................................No BJs
>
>Open-minded...................................Desperate
>
>Outgoing.......................................... Loud and Embarrassing
>
>Passionate.......................................S loppy drunk
>
>Professional...................................... Bitch
>
>Feminist.......................................... .Fat
>
>Voluptuous......................................Ve ry Fat
>
>Large frame.....................................Hugely Fat
>
>Wants Soulmate..............................Stalker
>
>
>
>1. Yes = No
>
>2. No = No
>
>3. Maybe = No
>
>4. We need = I want..
>
>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
>
>6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
>
>7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
>
>8. Do what you want = And you'll pay dearly
>
>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
>
>10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

 

[MercyMia]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/147786.jpg

This is so funny, thanks, wally. Can i order this online?

 

[MercyMia]

An immediate reply came from the hotel
owner, who said, "I've been operating this
hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of
the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is
welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog
will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too.

I *like* this manager.