How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional
to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is:
gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average
drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire
universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use
as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and
is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional
to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is:
gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average
drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire
universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use
as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and
is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
wally2450 said:
so true .... but I think it still will be true in a thousand years if we are still here ... lol
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Have yourself a Good Day!
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Have yourself a Good Day!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit,
then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double',
a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more,
then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit,
then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double',
a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more,
then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Thank God for Italian Men
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she
wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of
the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps...
He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she
wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of
the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps...
He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
>Lawyers
>
>
>A young cowboy from Miles City, Montana goes off to college, but half way
>through the semester, >he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
>
>"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
>They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
>
>"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
>
>"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
>in the course."
>
>So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
>
>About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
>calls home.
>
>"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
>
>"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
>believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to >read!"
>
>"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
>program?"
>
>"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
>
>The money promptly arrives.
>
>But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
>
>When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
>excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something
>and talk!"
>
>"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
>we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
>Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around
>with that little redhead who lives in town?' "
>
>The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he
>talks to your Mother!"
>
>"I sure did, Dad!"
>
>"That's my boy!"
>
>The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
>
>
>
>A young cowboy from Miles City, Montana goes off to college, but half way
>through the semester, >he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
>
>"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
>They actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
>
>"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
>
>"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
>in the course."
>
>So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
>
>About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
>calls home.
>
>"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
>
>"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
>believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to >read!"
>
>"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
>program?"
>
>"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
>
>The money promptly arrives.
>
>But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
>
>When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
>excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something
>and talk!"
>
>"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before
>we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
>Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around
>with that little redhead who lives in town?' "
>
>The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he
>talks to your Mother!"
>
>"I sure did, Dad!"
>
>"That's my boy!"
>
>The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
>
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
For Those Who Love The Philosophy Of Ambiguity
1. Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.
2. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.....
3. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.
4. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes?
5. The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.
6. I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, "where's The Self-help Section?" She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.
7. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
8. If A Deaf Person Swears, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?
9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?
10. Is There Another Word For Synonym?
11. Where Do Forest Rangers Go To "get Away From It All?"
12. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?
13. If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?
14. Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?
15. Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?
16. If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?
17. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?
18. If The Police Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?
19. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?
20. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Yellow Road Signs?
21. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?
22. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.
23. Does The Little Mermaid Wear An Algebra?
24. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?
25. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?
26. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?
27. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?
28. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word "lisp" To Have "s" In It?
29. Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids"?
30. Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?
31. Why Is There An Expiration Date On Sour Cream?
32. If You Spin An Oriental Man In A Circle Three Times Does He Become
Disoriented?
33. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts Of God?
34. After Mozart Died, Did He Decompose?
35. Why Is The Inability To See Or Place Letters In The Correct Order Called Dyslexia?
If You Haven't Grown Up By Age 55, You Don't Have To.
1. Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.
2. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.....
3. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.
4. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes?
5. The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.
6. I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, "where's The Self-help Section?" She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.
7. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
8. If A Deaf Person Swears, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?
9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?
10. Is There Another Word For Synonym?
11. Where Do Forest Rangers Go To "get Away From It All?"
12. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?
13. If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?
14. Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?
15. Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?
16. If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?
17. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?
18. If The Police Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?
19. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?
20. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Yellow Road Signs?
21. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?
22. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.
23. Does The Little Mermaid Wear An Algebra?
24. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?
25. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?
26. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?
27. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?
28. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word "lisp" To Have "s" In It?
29. Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids"?
30. Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?
31. Why Is There An Expiration Date On Sour Cream?
32. If You Spin An Oriental Man In A Circle Three Times Does He Become
Disoriented?
33. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts Of God?
34. After Mozart Died, Did He Decompose?
35. Why Is The Inability To See Or Place Letters In The Correct Order Called Dyslexia?
If You Haven't Grown Up By Age 55, You Don't Have To.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
This guy was having a drink in a bar.
It didn't escape his notice that the
Bartender was a very sexy lady.
She came over to chat for a bit and he said,
"I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while
I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill
On the bar.
She knew the bathroom was around the corner
And accepted his bet. He removed his glass
Eye and took off to the john.
"Very funny," she said when he returned.
He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."
Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table.
"I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."
She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly
As the guy removes his false teeth and clamps
Them down on his ear.
He grins and said, "All right, one more bet.
A chance to win your money back. I bet I can
Make love to you so tenderly that you won't
Feel a thing."
Thinking this was something she knew about,
She took him by the hand out back behind the bar
And lifted her skirt. They went to town.
A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."
He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"
It didn't escape his notice that the
Bartender was a very sexy lady.
She came over to chat for a bit and he said,
"I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while
I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill
On the bar.
She knew the bathroom was around the corner
And accepted his bet. He removed his glass
Eye and took off to the john.
"Very funny," she said when he returned.
He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."
Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table.
"I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."
She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly
As the guy removes his false teeth and clamps
Them down on his ear.
He grins and said, "All right, one more bet.
A chance to win your money back. I bet I can
Make love to you so tenderly that you won't
Feel a thing."
Thinking this was something she knew about,
She took him by the hand out back behind the bar
And lifted her skirt. They went to town.
A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."
He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
I was at a friends wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He
was pretty drunk, but I figured what the hell. So were dancing and I
asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself, Richard?" He said, "I prefer
Dick." I said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with
anything?"
A married man we know relaxed on a recent business trip by enjoying a
lively weekend with a lively blonde who was not his wife. Not long
after returning to the home office, however, a rather shifty
individual paid him a visit and said, with the nasty innuendo of a
professional blackmailer, "Remember that trip you took? Remember that
blonde?" The answer to both questions was "Yes." "Well, mister," said
the unsavory one, "it just so happens that I have photographs of
everything that you and her did." "Everything?" asked our friend.
"Everything! See?" He spread a half-dozen highly detailed snapshots
on the desk and after giving them a chance to make the proper
impression, asked, "What are you gonna do about it, mister?" "Well,"
drawled our friend coolly, "I'll take one of these, two of those, and
five of this one over here. Can I have them tinted?"
was pretty drunk, but I figured what the hell. So were dancing and I
asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself, Richard?" He said, "I prefer
Dick." I said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with
anything?"
A married man we know relaxed on a recent business trip by enjoying a
lively weekend with a lively blonde who was not his wife. Not long
after returning to the home office, however, a rather shifty
individual paid him a visit and said, with the nasty innuendo of a
professional blackmailer, "Remember that trip you took? Remember that
blonde?" The answer to both questions was "Yes." "Well, mister," said
the unsavory one, "it just so happens that I have photographs of
everything that you and her did." "Everything?" asked our friend.
"Everything! See?" He spread a half-dozen highly detailed snapshots
on the desk and after giving them a chance to make the proper
impression, asked, "What are you gonna do about it, mister?" "Well,"
drawled our friend coolly, "I'll take one of these, two of those, and
five of this one over here. Can I have them tinted?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
101 Lines from Carlin
1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was
wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother
(another blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds
and the bees and the blonde
said:
"No Ma. I can screw and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't
cook."
wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother
(another blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds
and the bees and the blonde
said:
"No Ma. I can screw and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't
cook."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Man's Wish
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he
prayed:"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so
please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The
next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it
to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and
balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the
dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the
school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way
home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,
he cleaned the kitchen,ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the
kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his
daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to
envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let
us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel
you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back
to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You
got pregnant last night.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while
his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he
prayed:"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so
please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The
next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it
to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and
balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the
dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the
school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way
home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,
he cleaned the kitchen,ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the
kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his
daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to
envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let
us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel
you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back
to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You
got pregnant last night.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Words Women Use
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if
you have just been given five more minutes to watch
the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-
verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud
sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the
meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous state-
ments a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking,
"What's wrong?", for the woman's response refer to
# 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argu-
ments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good
laugh, cause they know it's true.
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if
you have just been given five more minutes to watch
the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-
verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud
sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the
meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous state-
ments a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking,
"What's wrong?", for the woman's response refer to
# 3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argu-
ments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good
laugh, cause they know it's true.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
>Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners:
>
>1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
>2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>
>3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
>
>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>
>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
>still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
>Dining Out
>
>1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
>fingers covering the label.
>
>2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the
>restaurant may not have dogs.
>
>Entertaining In Your Home
>
>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
>a taxidermist.
>
>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
>manners are.
>
>Personal Hygiene
>
>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
>should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
>
>2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
>However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
>3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
>tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
>foods.
>
>Dating (outside the family)
>
>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
>date.
>
>2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
>to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
>years ago."
>
>3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
>will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
>answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
>4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
>as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much fer a fat gal."
>
>Weddings
>
>1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>
>2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>
>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
>cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
>appearance.
>
>4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
>special occasion.
>
>5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in
>the sack.
>
>Driving Etiquette
>
>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
>loaded, and the deer is in sight.
>
>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
>tires always has the right of way.
>
>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>
>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
>impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
>
>5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
>driving.
>
>6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
>
>Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder?
>
>1. All the DNA is the same.
>
>2. There are no dental records
>
>
>1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
>2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>
>3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
>
>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>
>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
>still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
>Dining Out
>
>1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
>fingers covering the label.
>
>2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the
>restaurant may not have dogs.
>
>Entertaining In Your Home
>
>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
>a taxidermist.
>
>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
>manners are.
>
>Personal Hygiene
>
>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
>should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
>
>2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
>However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
>3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
>tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
>foods.
>
>Dating (outside the family)
>
>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
>date.
>
>2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
>to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
>years ago."
>
>3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
>will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
>answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
>4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
>as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much fer a fat gal."
>
>Weddings
>
>1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>
>2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>
>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
>cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
>appearance.
>
>4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
>special occasion.
>
>5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in
>the sack.
>
>Driving Etiquette
>
>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
>loaded, and the deer is in sight.
>
>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
>tires always has the right of way.
>
>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>
>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
>impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
>
>5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
>driving.
>
>6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
>
>Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder?
>
>1. All the DNA is the same.
>
>2. There are no dental records
>
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 16,474
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ...'. And here I am."
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ...'. And here I am."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
MercyMia said:
LMAO .... LMAO
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
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