How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

An arrogant Department of Agriculture (DOA) representative
stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I need to
inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agricultural representative said in a wise tone, "I have
the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card?
I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams. He saw the DOA rep
running for the fence, and close behind was the farmer's
prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was
gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/151027.jpg

 

[wally2450]

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.



Next to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the
world.

 

[Ron54]

Drinks Show Your Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink:Blender Drinks
Personality:Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy

Drink:Mixed Drinks
Personality:Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink:Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink:White Zinfandel
Personality:Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink:Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink:Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

.

.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine:
He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey:He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.

 

[smoothdevil]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." **

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

[wally2450]

INSTALLING HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

Particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 .

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

[smoothdevil]

INSTALLING HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

Particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 .

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

hey .. where is sexy 9.1.2.3. beta D ???? .... to replace wifey 0.0.0.0.0 ... lol

 

[smoothdevil]

Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions

.... But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

 

[wally2450]

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?




GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.




FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?





GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.





FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?





GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.





FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.





GENERAL REINWALD:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?





The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/151028.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Jerry came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Jerry!"

 

[smoothdevil]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?



For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We

find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in

an intellectual way.



Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They

had one son, Jack.



In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple

produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull

Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.



Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a

high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids

were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was

then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.



Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son

with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the

other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable

throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in

a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced

the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,

Byrd and Horse.



Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.



Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct

them.



Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

 

[smoothdevil]

Journey of a Man


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious
girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was
so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and I am just looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[wally2450]

Why is a diploma like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.



A girl said, "My last lover was so bad, he should have used amateurphylactics!"



I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled... So was the
Titanic!!!

 

[wally2450]

The divorcee was having a very difficult time getting across what she
wanted from her date. In a final attempt at seduction, she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for my appendicitis?"
"God, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/152072.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?
The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.
Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?
The girl who can eat the seventh donut.

 

[wally2450]

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."

The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is
enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/152247.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and
glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out
panties and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor,
he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at
the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Wendy, what do you do with
your panties when you wear them out?" Why," she replied demurely, "If
I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!"

 

[wally2450]

A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets
tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/152271.jpg

 

[glynndah]

Reasonable wife

I have been married 36 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 36 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money and slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a hot good looking 18 year old.

Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a
50" screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
18 year old beautiful girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, no car, no money and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crises.

 

[glynndah]

Middle age is when you go to the doctor and realize you now have to pay someone to look at you naked.


A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new
here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it
implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy
man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?"
says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

t's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist,

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee.

"But, sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

 

[done_got_old]

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said, "Oh come on, just a feel" She said, "no, I'm saving myself for marriage."

They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage." So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel.

Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, "Can't we please?" She of course states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."

He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that."

She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all." He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he so hot and ready that he can't control himself, he shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town...... she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts, "OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!"

A little stunned, he says, "NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!