How to make people laugh

[done_got_old]

A tall woman met a midget at a party.

The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

[wally2450]

A tall woman met a midget at a party.

The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

[wally2450]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991"

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher asked "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006."

 

[wally2450]

Mrs. Harrison was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she
said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her
hair." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked. "Well, I overheard
her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped
she'd be bald soon."

 

[wally2450]

CYNICS GUIDE TO LIFE

- The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.


- I believe for every drop of rain that falls,
a flower grows. And a foundation leaks
and a ball game gets rained out and a car
rusts and...


- Follow your dream! Unless it's the one
where you're at work in your underwear
during a fire drill.


- Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me, either;
just leave me alone.


- If you don't like my driving, don't call
anyone. Just take another road. That's
why the highway department made so
many of them.


- It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.


- A handy telephone tip: Keep a small
chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold
the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.


- Into every life some rain must fall.
Usually when your car windows are
down.


- It's a small world. So you gotta use your
elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and
your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper
than plastic surgery.


- This land is your land. This land is my
land. So stay on your land.

 

[smoothdevil]

*Classes for Men at*
* **THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER**

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Aug 30,* *2007
**
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM*.
*

Class 1**
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.**
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00
PM.** *

*Class 2**
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.**
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.** *

*Class 3**
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat
and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.**
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.** *

*Class 4**
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.**
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.** *

* Class 5**
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.**
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM** *

*Class 6**
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.**
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM** *

*Class 7**
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right
Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum**.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.** *

*Class 8**
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.**
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.** *

*Class 9**
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.**
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.** *

*Class 10**
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.**
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.** *

*Class 11**
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing**.*
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

*Class 12**
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.**
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours, beginning at 7:00
PM.** *

*Class 13**
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.**
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.** *

*Class 14**
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.**
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.** *

* **Upon completion of_ any_ of the above courses, diplomas will be
issued _to the survivors._

 

[smoothdevil]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve ca rd, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.



*******************************



FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.


16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.


18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

 

[wally2450]

*Classes for Men at*
* **THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER**

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Aug 30,* *2007
**
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM*.
*

Class 1**
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.**
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00
PM.** *

*Class 2**
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.**
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.** *

*Class 3**
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat
and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.**
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.** *

*Class 4**
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The
Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.**
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.** *

* Class 5**
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.**
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM** *

*Class 6**
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.**
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM** *

*Class 7**
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right
Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum**.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.** *

*Class 8**
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.**
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.** *

*Class 9**
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.**
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.** *

*Class 10**
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.**
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.** *

*Class 11**
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing**.*
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

*Class 12**
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.**
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours, beginning at 7:00
PM.** *

*Class 13**
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.**
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.** *

*Class 14**
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.**
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.** *

* **Upon completion of_ any_ of the above courses, diplomas will be
issued _to the survivors._

lmao!

 

[wally2450]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He
walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the
wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said,
"I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to determine if you are
under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he
walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he
returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of
stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

 

[wally2450]

QUICK JOKE

It was a simpler time back then.
We were so easily entertained.
We would watch anything on TV.
We'd watch a flying nun;
we'd watch a talking horse.
We are so much more sophisticated now,
watching people eat bugs and
marry strangers for money.

 

[wally2450]

West Virginia Yoga

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/152878.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me
one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms
with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is
for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you
mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and
I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms
with PESTICIDE on it!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/152918.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired
executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door
neighbor. "Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man
shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!" "Go right ahead," was
the reply. "The rest will do you good."

 

[wally2450]

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments
(posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church i
n Gainesboro, TN.)

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya
think? Y'all have a nice day.

 

[smoothdevil]

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi,
on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well,
spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy
for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what
you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary. .."


Luigi proudly replied, ."I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
____________ ___

 

[smoothdevil]

New Viruses ! ! !




The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processordoesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

 

[wally2450]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll screw her again!"

 

[wally2450]

An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mother's credit
card to pay for a friend's breast enlargement surgery. "Police say
it's lucky they caught the guy quickly; otherwise, it may have turned
into a bigger bust."

What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/153375.jpg

 

[glynndah]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
“Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly
and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
“I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[wally2450]

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

 

[MercyMia]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

 

[MercyMia]

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

Yikes!!!

 

[MercyMia]

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

DGO Good one!