How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Mom's Advice

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,
and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you
in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes,
mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the
girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy
asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not
that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well," he explained, "we've
been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly
hat to bed!"

 

[wally2450]

Jewish bra

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in
New York City. He found a sales lady, and told her, "I
would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind
of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that
she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what
she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't
get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly
our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So,
what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army
bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked,
"So, what does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of
molehills."

 

[wally2450]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1/ Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2/ Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3/ Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4/ For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5/ Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6/ Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7/ It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8/ Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9/ Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10/ Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11/ Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12/ The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13/ Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14/ Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15/ It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

[wally2450]

Frank Would Have Loved This!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IlE8yAmW3E

 

[smoothdevil]

I, the P..enis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss




The Response:

Dear P..enis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. don't always
observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct
protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

 

[wally2450]

Keen Country Lad

A keen country lad walks in applys for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world-you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, sir, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The next day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.


"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new 1999 Chevy Silverado 1/2 ton."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

 

[wally2450]

Copperfield
David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick.The man says "For this trick David I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer who I see is here tonight and I will also need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which the man replies, "Maybe not for you but for me it's fucking magic."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/154004.jpg

 

[Denae]

Every time I hear the word "exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

[wally2450]

A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar.
He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the
door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted
to know where he had been all night....

He said, "I have been bird watching!"

She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this
time of night for you to watch??"

He said, "A double breasted, red-headed, mattress
thrasher!"

 

[wally2450]

An anxious mother was lecturing her young daughter on the issue of
sex morality. "If you're ever tempted while out on a date," she
warned, "Don't forget to ask yourself this one question: Is one hour
of pleasure worth an entire lifetime of shame?" "Gee, Mom," asked the
girl, "How do you make it last an hour?"


An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the
Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very
embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached
cautiously down the back of her gown. "I'm terribly sorry," he said,
"but I can't seem to reach it." "Try further down," she said. At this
point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room
which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get
the necklace."

 

[wally2450]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659--CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I smiled."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to grin."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman calls a veterinarian at 1 AM in the morning, frantic that her pooch has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the yard and she wants to get them apart.

The vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?"
"Yes" said the woman, "it didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to frighten Them apart?"

"No, but I'll try that right now, hold the line!"

A few minutes later she gets back on the phone "No, that didn't work either!"

The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the window so the dogs can hear it. Then get on your cell phone and dial your number."

"Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them apart??"

"Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as
> aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH.

> One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
> hangar with nothing to do.

> Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

> Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and
> get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

> So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane
> hootch and got completely smashed.

> The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he
> feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! No bad side effects.
> Nothing!

> Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

> Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

> Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

> Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

> Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover,
> nothing. We ought to do this more oft en"

> "Yeah, well there's just one thing."

> "What's that?"

> "Have you farted yet?"

> "No "

> "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

 

[wally2450]

A woman calls a veterinarian at 1 AM in the morning, frantic that her pooch has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the yard and she wants to get them apart.

The vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?"
"Yes" said the woman, "it didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to frighten Them apart?"

"No, but I'll try that right now, hold the line!"

A few minutes later she gets back on the phone "No, that didn't work either!"

The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the window so the dogs can hear it. Then get on your cell phone and dial your number."

"Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them apart??"

"Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!"

lmao!!

 

[wally2450]

"Why are you in this particular line of work?" a sociology researcher
asked the massage parlor girl. "I'm trying to pay back this loan
shark named Paul something or other," she said. "So I'm literally
rubbing peters to pay Paul."

Her bountiful bosom heaving in chagrin, Susan confessed her tearful
tidings to her mother. "Mom," she said, "I'm pregnant." "Ye gods!"
screamed her mother. "Who is the father?" She lifted her weeping
face. "How should I know?" she wailed. "You never would let me go
steady."

 

[smoothdevil]

Will I live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"



He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"



"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.



He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/154731.jpg

 

[MercyMia]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service, " replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/154728.jpg

 

[MercyMia]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocain in the condom!"

 

[wally2450]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocain in the condom!"

lmao!!

 

[wally2450]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. Here" she said, "you must put it in here!"

Tarzan removed his loincloth...stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!"

"Tarzan check for bees."

 

[wally2450]

Bad illness

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a
bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to
talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he
could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or
early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.

"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find,
and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle
of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you
do have seem like forever."

 

[wally2450]

Proof Women Think Before They Act

http://www.funnywebcommercials.com/danier-leather-clothing-commercial/