How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

A little airline humor

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
diploma to fix one. That's real reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a
form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with
the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs
on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
flight. Never let it be s aid that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual gripe sheets submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (S). By
the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mod e.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you 're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[MercyMia]

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

 

[MercyMia]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

LMAO .... lol lol

 

[wally2450]

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

 

[wally2450]

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one
piece.

 

[wally2450]

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know..........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...

 

[wally2450]

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've
got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad
news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." All right,
here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/205186.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen
a little boy before?"

 

[JustSkye]

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now
have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,389,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program .....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.*sniff*

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't copy and send this letter to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician!
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read these things with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking your hand off now, it's too late..

 

[wally2450]

I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket: WOMAN GETS
PREGNANT WHILE DOING "LAMBADA" I guess that goes to show that the
rhythm method just doesn't work!

The Bible teaches to love your neighbor, and Kama-Sutra explains how.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?" The friend said,
"Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately. But it was a
damned dirty habit anyway."

 

[wally2450]

Old Folks Home

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard’s manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson’s."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/205723.gif

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/205724.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Southern Girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa
and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw
it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from South Carolina. He told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot food on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't
see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/205844.gif

 

[wally2450]

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They
never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However,
one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his
mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl
will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one
of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed
before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him
but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave
him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die??"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun
to get stiff!!"

 

[wally2450]

Floridians

To: Former Floridians, current Floridians, future
Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days. STEP 2. Put these
supplies into your car STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and
remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will
not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly
stay here in Florida.

So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is
cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located
in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or
any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you
hurricane insurance, because then they might be required
to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got
into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly
equal to the replacement value of your house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27
different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered
by the Bob and Big Stan's Insurance Company, under a policy
which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big
Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all
the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major
hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.

* Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

* Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that
once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding
stumps, and it will be December.

* Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to
pay for them.

* "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows,
but they can withstand hurricane winds. You can be sure of
this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you
should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine
whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a
lot of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following
supplies:

* 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that
turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size
for the flashlights.

* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET
some.)

* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

* A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will
be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there will be irate alligators.)

* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discer-
nible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurri-
cane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television
and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It is great living in paradise!

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was talking to his girlfriend, and he said, "Be honest,
now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're
warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of
the word 'warm'."

Little Johnny was pleased until he went home and, just for fun,
checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206039.jpg

 

[perfect_deb]

the twelve days of christmas

an oldie but a goodie

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute...please cut it out.

Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
let me tell you, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen you fuckwit!

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? You've
turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the egg
nog, ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.
They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,
Law Offices

 

[SuperCanuck]

I was beginning to think no one out there liked to smile.
One more:

Subject: Airplane Ride
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa ! ! ! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" She says, "Lecturer. I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." the man says as he extends his hand.

Lol! I'm keeping this one!

 

[smoothdevil]

THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HELP RUN OUR COUNTRY !!!!! Scary isn't it ??

A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an
airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the
passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ."

Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ."Her
response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I
tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is
it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said,
"But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the
reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to
drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left
at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33 am . I explained that Michigan was an
hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time
zones Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
overweight I think that's very rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked
into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code
for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag
on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to
Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it
be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked,
"How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he
meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little
computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a
commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about
the documents he ne eded in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a
visa.

"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and
never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make
reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you
sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a Rhino anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone
knows where it is. Check your map!"

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" The reply?

"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that
it's in

 

[wally2450]

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