How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

 

[wally2450]

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice?"
said her closest friend. "Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his
diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be
desired."

 

[wally2450]

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott
1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate
it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a
full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth
is a process of trial, error, and experimentation.
The "failed" experiments are as much a part of
the process as the experiments that ultimately
"work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A
lesson will be presented to you in various forms
until you have learned it. When you have learned
it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part
of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive,
that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When
your "there" has become a "here", you will simply
obtain another "there" that will again look better
than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You
cannot love or hate something about another
person unless it reflects to you something you
love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You
have all the tools and resources you need. What
you do with them is up to you. The choice is
yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to
life's questions lie within you. All you need to
do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206405.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too."

 

[smoothdevil]

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."

 

[shysassy]

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?"


The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her
thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they
make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many
types of "willies" are there?"



The mother, surprised, smiles and answers. "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After
his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." The daughter asks, "A Christmas
tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

[wally2450]

Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he
wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next
farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer
says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy;
he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the
barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I
want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of
money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take
your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a
chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points
towards the hen house and Randy took off like a
shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or
FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy
runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese
down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's
up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is
jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive
rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the
farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find
Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told
you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down,
now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one
eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. Pussy!

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206620.gif

 

[wally2450]

Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller.
" I know you are the hottest woman on the block.
If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you
a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all
can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit
interested...."

-----------------------------
Ken was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled
awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to
make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young
woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed,
"I'm at the wrong house."

"Young lady, you may be at the right house," Ken assured her. "But
you're forty years too late."

--------------------------------
"The "Wall Street Journal" reporting that women are paying up to
$8,000 for nipple-enhancement surgery. The idea is to make themselves
more attractive by having their nipples stick out under their
clothes. Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to turn on the air
conditioning?" - Jay Leno

 

[JustSkye]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travel ed up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it...... Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said: 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or ... we have sex.'

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative... So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: 'That was a big mistake, Frank...... That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you death or we have rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So, the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said: 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

 

[JustSkye]

The Newlyweds

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her
breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and
admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem.

My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal
with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your
infant size penis.

"Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the
honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Herb's
pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong..

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.

 

[JustSkye]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and
left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending
the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel.
Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before
midnight."

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read
this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who
is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!"



Hahahaha!

 

[smoothdevil]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travel ed up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it...... Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The polar bear looked at him and said: 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

Super .... LMAOF

 

[smoothdevil]

Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he
wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next
farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer
says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy;
he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."


eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. Pussy!

LMAO LMAO

 

[wally2450]

The businessman came home form work about 6pm.
He'd barely gotten in the door before his wife
Greeted him with a passionate kiss.

Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him
Down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to
Give him a fantastic blow job.

Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has
Gotton off in a mighty explosion, which his wife
Slurps up eagerly and swallows.

He stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, dear,
What did you do to the car THIS time?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206787.gif

 

[wally2450]

Microsoft Waiter

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206788.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206841.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets
home, and waits for his wife to come home from work,
but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package
open on the table and his cockatiel eats all
of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man
grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to
cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife
comes home and it is hours later before he remembers
the cockatiel. He runs and looks
in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing
heavily, drained with sweat
and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for
hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating
like crazy?"

The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry
apart the legs a frozen chicken?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/206905.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/207202.gif

 

[NippleMuncher]

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

 

[shysassy]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed
to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can goto
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......