How to make people laugh

[shysassy]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a
firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in
her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he
said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped
out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to
him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good
grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

 

[wally2450]

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Collect men jokes.

Why should you never kiss a canary?
You might get canarial disease or you might get chirpes and there is no tweetment.

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.
His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein

A man and his wife were watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighed and said, “Man what a rip-off! It was all over in four minutes." The wife replied, “Now you know how I feel.”

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/207379.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/207377.jpg

 

[shysassy]

The Guys' Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.




Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

* 1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

* 1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

* 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

* 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

* 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

** 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

* 1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

** 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it i s just not worth the hassle.

** 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear..

** 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really .

* 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

* 1. You have enough clothes.

* 1. You have too many shoes.

* 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[shysassy]

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESSOne Sunday morning, the pastor noticed
little Alex standing in thefoyer of the church staring up at a large
plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on
either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time,so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said
quietly,"Good morning Alex.""Good morning Pastor," he replied, still
focused on the plaque."Pastor, what is this?" he asked.The pastor said,
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the youngmen and women who died in
the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with
fear,asked,"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

 

[wally2450]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of < BR>them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."


1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

 

[wally2450]

Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed
to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a
chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale
were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he
reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.
"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's
long and wide, "one woman admitted. "Oh, I might have known,"
responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to
be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't
get a long width ottoman."

 

[wally2450]

Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it. When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey... then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically.

It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, my sister is a BLONDE.

 

[smoothdevil]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of < BR>them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."


1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

LMAO .... lol

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/207803.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/207936.gif

 

[Polarbear57]

... there will be no Road Constructions in your Hometown, after 2009

 

[wally2450]

Paddy and Jonathan are walking home after a night on the piss.
They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the
place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Jonathan "Get in there and steal a
bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the
police".

Jonathan duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes
while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy
sticks his head around the door and sees Jonathan running from bus to
bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Jonathan, get a move on!" to which
Jonathan replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy"

Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You
F***ing idiot Jonathan, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the
roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/207983.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Kings are not a happy lot, generally. "Heavy hangs the head that
wears the crown, " it is said. This is especially true if the king is
a father of a voluptuous and eligible daughter, one so desirable that
suitors are overcome by the temptation of her presence. It happened
over and over again with one royal family. Untenable suitors would
make come onto his daughter and make unwelcome advances. Eventually,
the king placed his best longswordsman to guard over the princess.
Inevitably, the latest visitor would step out of line, the sword
would be drawn, and the ill-fated suitor would be summarily
decapitated. In the royal circles, this became known as heading them
off at the pass.

 

[smoothdevil]

Boudreaux (Pronounced Boo-Dro) was floating down the bayou on
his pirogue (A cajun boat pronounced Pee-Ro) heading in to town,
when he happend to see Flo sitting on her porch with her legs
hiked up and spread wide open exposing her beautiful pussy.

Boudreaux hollered up to her and asked, "Ms. Flo, what's that
there you got between your legs?"

Flo answered, "Why Boudreaux, that there's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and asked, "Well, can I come up there
and do me a load of laundry?"

Flo said, "Sure." So Boudreaux hopped out of his pirogue and
hurried up to the front porch and went to town on that wonderful
pussy of Flo's. When he had "washed his laundry," Boudreax got
back in his pirogue and headed in to town where he did some
shopping.

On his way back home he passed by Flo's shanty and there she
was, sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and her
beautiful pussy exposed for all to see.

He hollered up to her and said, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you
got between your legs?"

She hollered back and said, "Now Boudreaux, I done tol' you
that's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and said, "Ms. Flo, you mind if I
come up there and do me another load of laundry?"

Flo hollered back down and said, "Boudreax, if that load of
laundry you got to do is the same size as the one before, you
can just do it by hand!"

 

[smoothdevil]

The Blonde at School

Day1:

A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:

"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:

"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

 

[smoothdevil]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[Yang4yin]

Hot and Cold

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

 

[wally2450]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[wally2450]

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. YES is the answer!"

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." – Woody Allen

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." – Brendan Francis

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers." – Woody Allen

"The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette." – Anonymous

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/208386.gif

 

[shysassy]

http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t49/shysassy/pic322091.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Pope & Queen

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage
at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-
Irish accords. The crowd is huge--thousands! Her Majesty
and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry,
both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to
the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave
of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd
go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-
gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing
a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could
do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that
was impressive. But did you know that with one little
wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a
momentary display like that of your subjects, but will
go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their
grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. . ."One
little wave of your hand and all Irish people will
rejoice forever? Ha! Show me!"

So, the Pope slaps her.