How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A young girl sneaks into the bathroom, and sees her father in the
shower. Naturally, she is curious and asks what his testicles are.

"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life" he tells her, by way of
poetic concealment. Impressed, the girl then repeats this information
to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about the dead
branch they're hanging on?"
----------------------------


Morris had just had coronary artery bypass surgery a month ago and
now is at the doctor's office for his final follow up visit. Of
course Morris wants to know when he can start having sex again.

The doctor explains to Morris that he would be able to resume his sex
life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming
winded.

Morris listens attentively and then says, "What if I look for the
women who live on the ground floor?"

 

[Yang4yin]

Sorry if this is a repeat...

Jeff Dunham and the Dead Terrorist

 

[wally2450]

What Shakespeare Really Meant

What Shakespeare Really Meant

While Shakespeare was a very wise man.
But you'd never know it because he used such
fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team
of cunning linguists has translated
a number of Shakespeare' s quotes into modern
day English. It's about time we were all able to
enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend
during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister
because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because
his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if
you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a
man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if
with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you
can always resort to oral sex.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy
when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a
protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed
in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill,
that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your
conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will.
Get over it.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/208505.gif

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: ADJECTIVES MAKE A DIFFERENCE !

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE - ADJECTIVES MAKE A DIFFERENCE !

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another
foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another
ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,

"I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you
should have taken golf lessons instead."

 

[MagicFingers]

Poorly designed stained glass window.

Although it might be accurate. (;(

 

[MagicFingers]

rules

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew:
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
16. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
17. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
18. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
19. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Check your oil.
22. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
23. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
24. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
25. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
26. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
27. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
28. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
29. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
30. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
31. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
32. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
33. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
34. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
35. What the hell is a doily?

 

[MagicFingers]

revenge

Subject: Revenge....isn't it sweet?


Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her
side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused
her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move
slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest.
Shhh. Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "
I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess,"
replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I
must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and
your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

 

[MagicFingers]

texas medicine

TEXAS MEDICINE: (Smile, it's just a joke, I think. )

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we
recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House for 2 years, and now half the country is looking for work."

 

[Yang4yin]

Jeff Dunham with Peanut and Jose Jalapeno on a Stick

 

[wally2450]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[smoothdevil]

Q) What does a Tampon, a Maxie pad, and Saddam Hussain all have in common?

A) They all have irritated Bush.

 

[smoothdevil]

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly guy. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible"

"Of course it was. Just wait ‘til you try one of my blowjobs."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500? C'mon, that's ridiculous."

"You see that building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12 story building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon, You can't mean that."

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan

 

[smoothdevil]

From the Darwin Awards

Hard to believe, but another year has passed ... (For those who don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing him or herself from the gene pool...)

The Nominees Are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!"

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy had previously conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the "best and brightest" members of the 200-man association".

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE No. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY: (now, these two guys don't count because they aren't dead yet, but this is a goodie, nonetheless) [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22-caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River Bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia.)

 

[wally2450]

Max and Wally

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and
discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up.
Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a
cold or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max
really got worried. However, the only time they ever
got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf
together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember
where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what
had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to
his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the
park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very
excited and happy to see him and told him so!

Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened
to you?"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes
get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get
even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what
everyone would think, that an old guy like me could still
do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30
days for perjury.

 

[MercyMia]

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

 

[Weird Harold]

From the Darwin Awards

Hard to believe, but another year has passed ...

I wish people would quit circulating these as current Darwin Awards.

This particular list reads more like a Mythbusters episode list than Darwin awards.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder ...

Mythbusters verdict: Confirmed

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. ...

Mythbusters Verdict: Busted (at least if the man did die of methane poisoning, it was more than simple flatulence)

AND FINALLY: ... The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22-caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. ...

Mythbusters verdict: Plausible (a .22 cartridge will go off if used as a fuse, but the normal headlight wiring will melt first. Injuries are more like o come from the cartridge casing than from the bullet, though.)

 

[MercyMia]

The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.

Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."

 

[MercyMia]

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.

That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

 

[wally2450]

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective
dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance
and conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she
said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a school teacher,
because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because
all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue
to breathe normally.

 

[wally2450]

Another Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Newfoundland and he sees a
sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog For
Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk"? he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story"?

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered
that I could talk when I was pretty young. I
wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS
about my gift, and in no time at all, they had
me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided
to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had
a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the man says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are
you selling him so cheap"?

"That ole dog's a danged liar. He never did any of
that stuff."

 

[PertPerth]

A whale of a time

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion
"That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said,
"Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through
our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge."
The female agreed.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under
the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under it.
The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the
sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they
realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging
to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female
whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea.
Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
The female stopped swimming, looked at the male
and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm
NOT swallowing the seamen."

 

[wally2450]

Potentially or Realistically??



A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars",

And then, ask your brother "if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,

"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother! and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but realistically,...... we're living with Two Sluts and a Queer"

 

[wally2450]

A Japanese doctor says,'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President and then half the country will be out looking for work.'

 

[wally2450]

Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24,
but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different
rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet
when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room
8, and they think they're the only ones here."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich
behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks
for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the
man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and
the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two
enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the
man, "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and
says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning
the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would
wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with
the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was
for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with every-
thing I say."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



Pregnancy Q & A and more! (Contd)

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A: They tried each other.