How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial
flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the
window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud
voice,
'Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both
surgeons.'

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
lipped smile, ' Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired.
Married, two
sons, both Judges.'
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ' Master Gunnery
Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two
sons,
both Admirals.

 

[wally2450]

Hillbilly farmer

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes
later), she was always complaining about something. The
only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him
lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade,
sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Imme-
diately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain,
nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind
feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed
her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd When a woman mourner would approach
the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod
his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached
him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head
in disagreement This was so consistent, the minister
decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed
with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed
with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and
say something about how nice my wife looked, or how
pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

 

[wally2450]

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

 

[wally2450]

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Princeton, West Virginia, decided to
expand
the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris to
see what
he could find in good furrin' stuff.

After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected
a line
that he thought would sell very well back home in West Virginia.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro
and
have a glass of that French wine that he had heard so much about.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant
seat in
the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked
him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned
toward
the chair.

He gestured for her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his
language so,
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took
a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and
drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small
group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a
four-poster bed.
.
.
.
.
And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was
in the
furniture business.

 

[smoothdevil]

True News List

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
wlt

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronical

 

[smoothdevil]

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

 

[wally2450]

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could
not figure out how to cure him.

Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it
out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that
he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare
disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to
have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar.

Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the
four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause..............

.....<long pause>.....

The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with
whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is
having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope replied, "Big tits!"

 

[wally2450]

Two Aussies are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new Sydney store... As yet the store isn’t ready... only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, “I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Kiwi accent asks, “What’re you blokes sellin’ here?”

One of the men replies, “We’re selling arseholes here, mate.”

Without missing a beat, the Kiwi says, “Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you’ve only got two left!”

 

[glynndah]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself.
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Woman: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Woman: 'No, they spread.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Thought for the day

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"

is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist "

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Another Chili Contest

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the testing, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) Holy Moly what is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Every! one knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

[smoothdevil]

Nuns & Wieners!


Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[smoothdevil]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..............................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...........On medication.
Feminist.............................Fat.
Free Spirit..........................Junkie.
Friendship first....................Former Slut.
New-Age.............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned......................No B.J.'s
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very fat.
Large frame........................Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes..................................No
No...................................Yes
Maybe..............................No
We need..........................I want
I am sorry........................You'll be sorry
We need to talk................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead.................You better not
Do what you want.............You will pay for this later
I am not upset..................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight......Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry.........................I am hungry
I am sleepy..........................I am sleepy
I am tired.............................I am tired
Nice dress............................Nice cleavage !
I love you.............................Let's have sex now
I am bored............................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

 

[Cathleen]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


*******

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

How do you feel about sex? he asked, rather hopefully.

Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently, she responded.

The old guy paused...then he asked, Was that one word or two?

******

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said. I forgot her name about ten years ago.

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2666690071119.gif

 

[wally2450]

A Blonde's Cookbook

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel
food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some
extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe
said serve without dressing. So, I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved
the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a
new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed
of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said,
put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There
must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when
I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought
home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and
set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger,
much to my disappointment.

Well, good night, dear diary. This has been a very
exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come,
so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk
Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with chocolate moose.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Women's Love Poem:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks.

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed.

When I spend cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.



MAN'S LOVE POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

 

[wally2450]

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one
Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up
from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the
lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were
making for her.

However, after a good long wait, she finally went down-
stairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at
the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we
decided to cook our own breakfast."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for
the same offence!

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



Lover

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be
her husband's best friend. They make love for hours,
and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the
phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks
up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens,
only hearing her side of the conversation. (She is speaking
in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really?

That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was
that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all
about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing
trip with you."

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2007113333123.gif

 

[wally2450]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're
running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only
woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think
you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
---------------------------------
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a
hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became
more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package
had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect
me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."

 

[smoothdevil]

"I'm telling you, Jill, I've never been happier," Linda told her friend. "I have two boyfriends. One is just fabulous...handsome, sensitive, caring and considerate."

"What in the world do you need the second one for?" Jill asked.

"Oh," Linda replied, "the second one is straight."

 

[smoothdevil]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

[smoothdevil]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

 

[wally2450]

A young woman really thought she?d been very patient, through a
protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her
steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the
menu, he casually asked her, ?So...how do you like your rice? Boiled?
Or fried?? Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him
and replied, Thrown.

 

[wally2450]

Sandra and Cindy were talking about Sandra"s Friday night at the
local pub.
Sandra was saying, "...and then the creep said, 'Why don't we play
carpenter? We'll both get hammered; then I'll nail you'!"

Cindy replied, "Oh, gross! What did you say?"

Sandra answered smugly, "I said, 'No, thanks! You didn't bring enough
wood'."