How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Bubba decided to visit Colorado to do something he could
never do back home....snow skiing.

Unfortunately for Bubba, before he was even able to make it
up the hill, he was knocked unconscious by the chairlift.

As soon as he could, he called his insurance company from
the hospital only to be told that they were refusing to
cover his injury.

"What do you mean?!?" Bubba screamed. "Why wouldn't you
cover an injury like this?"

"You got hit in the head with a chairlift," the insurance
rep. explained. "That makes you a moron.......and we
consider that to be a pre-existing condition."

 

[wally2450]

If MEN Had Their Way...

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail
of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred
Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Garbage would take itself out.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would auto-
magically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed
an acceptable response to "I love you."

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that
said, "You're #1!"

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck
answer you responded with would actually reduce
your fine, as in: Cop: "You know how fast you were
going?" You: "Fast enough to spill my beer all over
the place." Cop: "Good one! That's $20 off."

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name
again?" cards.

"COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could
phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd
get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same,
but it would be celebrated every month.

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "Beer."

The only show opposite Monday Night Football
would be Monday Night Football From a Different
Camera Angle.

It would be easy to rent a tank.

 

[wally2450]

"I've taken so many showers to fight temptation," the Priest told his
superior, that now every time it rains I get an erection"






What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A Chin Rest!



What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?
Self employed.

 

[smoothdevil]

"Life is like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".

 

[smoothdevil]

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,

lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

[smoothdevil]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

[smoothdevil]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.

When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it
was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it.

With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row,
next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex,
S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said,
"I'm only here to listen to the music."


"We're only here to see our dog."

 

[wally2450]

Exotic pet

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of
an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices
a box full of live frogs.

The sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's
watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the
counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the
instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she
reads the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you
and allow the frog to follow its training.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her
surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed
and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom
of the paper: "If you have any problems or questions,
please telephone the store at which the frog was
purchased and ask for the manager."

Which she does. The manager responds, "I'll be right
over."

Within minutes, he is ringing her doorbell. She welcomes
him and says, "See, I've done everything according to
the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The manager, looking very concerned, grabs the frog,
stares directly at him and says, "Listen to me! I'm
only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

 

[wally2450]

Once upon a time there was a dumb private in a far away place
called "Grafenwehor, Germany". He was a dumb SOB, so dumb that nobody
really liked him. Not his fellow soldiers, Team Leader, Squad Leader,
Platoon Sergeant nor Company 1SG. He was a real smart ass who thought
he know it all.

Then one cold winter day, his company went on a tactical 12 mile road
march across the lovely, muddy country side of Germany. About halfway
through the road march, approximately 6 miles out, the weather
started to change rapidly. The temperature dropped sharply, the rain
changed to show and the road started to get very slippery and muddy.

With the weather getting worse minute by minute, the dumb private
started to fall further and further back behind the company
formation. As a excuse, he told his Team Leader he needed to take an
urgent shit. So he dropped out of the formation and ran to the
nearest woods until the company was out of sight.

Knowing the unit was now gone, he figured he could take his sweet ass
time walking back to base without being hassled, pushed or yelled at
to keep up with the company. While walking the same road as his unit
was on, he came upon a large cow pasture that looked like it would be
a short cut back to base. He decided to take a chance by cutting
across the field, hoping that it would get him home sooner.

As he started to walk across the field, he soon realized that the
snow was beginning to get deeper and deeper and much more difficult
to walk in. Before long, he started to get very tired and exhausted
and know then that he made a serious mistake trying to cross the
field. He decided to turn around and try to get back to the road.

Due to the heavy snow fall and wind, his tracks were quickly covered
over and he soon lost his way back to the road. Feeling extremely
weak, he collapsed to the ground. The dumb private thought for sure
he was a goner and that no one would ever find him in the snow storm.

Suddenly, out of nowhere came a large herd of cows walking across the
field. The dumb private said to himself "Great, if I don't freeze to
death, I'll be trampled to death by a bunch of cows". But the private
was lucky, they didn't walk on him, instead they just shit on him as
they passed overhim.

Feeling the fresh warm cow shit on top of him, the private started to
warm up again. In fact, he was feeling so much better....that he
started to laugh aloud at the situation he had gotten himself into.

Then suddenly, in one swift sweep, he was grabbed by the collar,
jerked and shaken to his feet and given a first class royal ass
chewing by his Platoon Sergeant and Company 1SG. And when they got
back to the barracks they put him on latrine detail for a week.

The moral of this story is:
1. Anyone who happens to shit on you, is not always out to get you.
2. Anyone who happens to get you out of shit, is not always your
friend. 3. And if you're warm and happy in shit, keep your mouth shut.

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2666700071126.gif

 

[wally2450]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson; Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A $$ THAN YOURS!

 

[wally2450]

A busload of scousers get killed in a road crash. They arrive at the pearly gates and St Peter says "Sorry, only five of you can come in, you'll have to decide among yourselves"

10 minutes later St Peter goes to God and says "Theyve gone"

God says "What, all of them?"

St Peter replies "No, the f**kin gates".

 

[wally2450]

Marketing 101

The buzzword in today`s business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of
"Marketing." Well, here it is:

You`re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I`m fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Direct Marketing.

You`re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She`s fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi, I`m fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I`m fantastic in bed."...
That`s Public Relations.

You`re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up
to you and says, "I hear you`re fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Brand Recognition.

You`re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies
you, but you talk him into going home with your
friend...
That`s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can`t satisfy him so he calls you...
That`s Tech Support.

You`re on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses
you`re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I`m fantastic in bed!"...
That`s Junk Mail.

You are at a party and this good looking, well-built
man walks up to you, rubs his chest against your
breast and pats your butt...
That`s Arnold Schwarzenegger!

You like it. 20 Years Later, Your Attorney Decides
You Were Offended!...
That`s America!

 

[smoothdevil]

Things a Naked Man Does Not Want to Hear

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know, they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. *!@$, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

[MercyMia]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

[smoothdevil]

> School 1957 vs. School 2007
>
> Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school,
> pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun
> rack.
>
> 1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at
> Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own
> shotgun to show Jack.
>
> 2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI
> is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees
> his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to
> assist traumatized students and teachers.
>
>
> Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after
> school.
>
> 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and
> Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
>
> 2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives
> and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with
> assault and both are expelled even though Johnny
> started it.
>
>
> Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts
> other students.
>
> 1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's
> office and given a good paddling. Returns to class,
> sits still and does not disrupt class again.
>
> 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of
> Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School
> gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a
> disability.
>
>
> Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's
> car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
>
> 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows
> up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful
> businessman.
>
> 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child
> abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a
> gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that
> she remembers being abused herself and their dad
> goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the
> psychologist.
>
>
> Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some
> Aspirin to school.
>
> 1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school
> principal out on the smoking dock.
>
> 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled
> from School for drug violations. His car is searched
> for drugs and weapons.
>
>
> Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
>
> 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes
> English, goes to college.
>
> 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local
> human rights group. Newspaper articles appear
> nationally explaining that making English a
> requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil
> Liberties Association files class action lawsuit
> against state school system and Pedro's English
> teacher. English is banned from core curriculum.
> Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing
> lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
>
>
> Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence
> Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane
> paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
>
> 1957 - Ants die.
>
> 2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are
> called and Johnny is charged with domestic
> terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are
> removed from the home, computers are confiscated,
> and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is
> never allowed to fly again.
>
>
> Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his
> knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives
> him a hug to comfort him.
>
> 1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back
> to playing.
>
> 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual
> predator and loses her job. She faces three years
> in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of
> therapy.
>
>
> WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO COMMON SENSE?
>

 

[smoothdevil]

Marketing 101

The buzzword in today`s business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of
"Marketing." Well, here it is:

You`re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I`m fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Direct Marketing.

You`re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She`s fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi, I`m fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I`m fantastic in bed."...
That`s Public Relations.

You`re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up
to you and says, "I hear you`re fantastic in bed,"...
That`s Brand Recognition.

You`re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies
you, but you talk him into going home with your
friend...
That`s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can`t satisfy him so he calls you...
That`s Tech Support.

You`re on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses
you`re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I`m fantastic in bed!"...
That`s Junk Mail.

You are at a party and this good looking, well-built
man walks up to you, rubs his chest against your
breast and pats your butt...
That`s Arnold Schwarzenegger!

You like it. 20 Years Later, Your Attorney Decides
You Were Offended!...
That`s America!

LMAO .... and so true ...

 

[wally2450]

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

 

[wally2450]

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Pi'tew... Spit... Pi'tew... Spit...

Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.

Q. What can a goose do , a duck can't and a lawyer should?
A. Stick its bill up its ass !

Q. What do you call a blonde without an ashole?
A. Divorced

Q. Why do faggots make great linemen?
A. They like to penetrate the defense.

Q. Did you hear about the faggot cop?
A. He always got his man in the end.

Q. What do you call two men hanging on the wall with no arms or legs?
A. Curt & Rod

Q. Why did the plastic surgeon give up on the Polack woamn?
A. She kept picking her own nose !

Q. Why was the Polack uncomfortable in a fancy restaurant?
A. There was all this fancy silverware but no can opener.

Q. What did they call the guy who drove a sled team all the way
across Canada? A. A Husky fucker.

Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a talking parrot? A. A
great fuck, but it will always want a cracker and It might tell on
you !

Q: Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills?
A: It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.

 

[smoothdevil]

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.

They decide that when they get home, they'll literally do everything that the women bitch them out to do.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great!
I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch.

My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down...
That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart...
It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic.
I reached down and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!"

He held out his hands.
"Ever seen one of these real close up."
__________________

 

[wally2450]

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
"Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2002222371128.gif

 

[wally2450]

Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted
to
be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and
go
through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all
semester.
Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the
conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to
begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It's $500."

"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How
about $50?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/tun-ebs77j.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See:


Jesus might love you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out
by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America...now speak English!