RUbensBeautY
Literotica Guru
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- 1,010
smoothdevil said:
Those are priceless.
Thanks for sharing! 
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
Those are priceless.
Thanks for sharing! 
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's impotentcy problem.
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal
and
standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was
preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says
to
the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight". As the
woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got
nothing
better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the
guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen
and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that
there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows
the
cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook
admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know
what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is
standing straight up".
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal
and
standback. The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was
preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says
to
the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight". As the
woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got
nothing
better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup. As the
guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen
and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that
there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows
the
cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook
admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I don't know
what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is
standing straight up".
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funeral services
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
o you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Infected gallbladder
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's
door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant
that his patients be up and walking in the hall the
day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming
in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered,
and after the third day the nurse told how he
complained bitterly each time they did.
The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family
came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely
for what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks,
but told them that it was really a simple operation
and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad
hasn't walked in over a year!"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the
morning with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes.
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready
for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination
recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the
morning with a penis:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the
urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a
surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as
to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if
it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that
occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated
next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
o you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Infected gallbladder
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's
door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant
that his patients be up and walking in the hall the
day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming
in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered,
and after the third day the nurse told how he
complained bitterly each time they did.
The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family
came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely
for what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks,
but told them that it was really a simple operation
and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad
hasn't walked in over a year!"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the
morning with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes.
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready
for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination
recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the
morning with a penis:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the
urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a
surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as
to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if
it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that
occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated
next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Sight-seeing bus
A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to
Muir Woods National Monument wound around many
hairpin curves.
After successfully negotiating a particularly sharp
curve, the bus driver pulled over to the side of
the road.
"Well, this is a new twist," he said, surveying his
wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of petrified
tourists to see a living forest!"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
erlock Holmes
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed
three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the
prostitute or the new bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all
that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by
holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other
hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands
and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the
third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head
toward it with the other."
A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to
Muir Woods National Monument wound around many
hairpin curves.
After successfully negotiating a particularly sharp
curve, the bus driver pulled over to the side of
the road.
"Well, this is a new twist," he said, surveying his
wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of petrified
tourists to see a living forest!"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
erlock Holmes
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed
three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the
prostitute or the new bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all
that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by
holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other
hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands
and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the
third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head
toward it with the other."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Definitions of a Bachelor......
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. -
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. -
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. -
One who can't be Spouse-Broken. -
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him. -
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. -
One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
One that Can sit in front of the tv and scratch himself in peace...
one guy who's never made the same mistake once.
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. -
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. -
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. -
One who can't be Spouse-Broken. -
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him. -
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. -
One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
One that Can sit in front of the tv and scratch himself in peace...
one guy who's never made the same mistake once.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Sex During Breakfast!
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Merits of a mistress
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells
of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of
being discovered....
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to
guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many
problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can
spend all night on the computer!"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Virgin Bride
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a
virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you
explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call
your private place 'the prison' and call my private
thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed,
smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner
seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have
to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches
for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying
the new experience of making love, gives him a
suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady
legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays
back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner
escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's
not a life sentence!"
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are
discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells
of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of
being discovered....
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to
guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many
problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can
spend all night on the computer!"
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Virgin Bride
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a
virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you
explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call
your private place 'the prison' and call my private
thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed,
smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner
seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have
to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches
for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying
the new experience of making love, gives him a
suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady
legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays
back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner
escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's
not a life sentence!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Sex boutique
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators
when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in
this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a
man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes
it goes soft for the rest of the night."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Autopsy
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators
when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in
this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a
man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes
it goes soft for the rest of the night."
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Autopsy
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what
type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this
the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate
for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a
bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue
would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for
four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good
it
was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what
type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this
the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate
for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a
bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue
would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for
four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good
it
was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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4. There are three sides to every argument:
your side, my side and the right side.
5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol.
Dignity is not one of them.
7. Never argue with a fool. People might
not know the difference.
your side, my side and the right side.
5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol.
Dignity is not one of them.
7. Never argue with a fool. People might
not know the difference.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
8. When you're right, no one remembers. When
you're wrong, no one forgets.
9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come .
10. Always remember that you are absolutely
unique. Just like everyone else.
11. Well done is better than well said .
12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to
make them when nobody is looking.
you're wrong, no one forgets.
9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come .
10. Always remember that you are absolutely
unique. Just like everyone else.
11. Well done is better than well said .
12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to
make them when nobody is looking.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left
the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is
a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his
shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.
"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the
shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left
the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is
a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his
shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as
"How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.
"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the
shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
wally2450 said:
SUPER .... lol lol ... applies to all governments ...
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Pretty clever! Cows.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you! with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don ' t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You cou! nt them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don ' t milk them because you cannot touch any creature 's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk
production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he ' s French, other times he ' s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won ' t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow ' s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can ' t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the
best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you! with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don ' t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You cou! nt them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don ' t milk them because you cannot touch any creature 's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk
production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he ' s French, other times he ' s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won ' t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow ' s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote
for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can ' t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the
best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A teenager who was 5 feet tall and rather chubby was
involved in a minor accident and so her mother took her
to the emergency section of the local hospital. The
triage nurse asked her for her height and weight.
The girl said, "5 feet, 6 inches and 125 lbs."
While the triage nurse was pondering this reply, the
girl's mother leaned over to her daughter and said,
"Sweetie, you are not on the internet now."
involved in a minor accident and so her mother took her
to the emergency section of the local hospital. The
triage nurse asked her for her height and weight.
The girl said, "5 feet, 6 inches and 125 lbs."
While the triage nurse was pondering this reply, the
girl's mother leaned over to her daughter and said,
"Sweetie, you are not on the internet now."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
13. Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.
14. If you can't see the bright side of
life, polish the dull side.
15. Where there's a will there are five
hundred relatives.
16. Everybody wants to go to heaven,
but nobody wants to die
He won't expect it back.
14. If you can't see the bright side of
life, polish the dull side.
15. Where there's a will there are five
hundred relatives.
16. Everybody wants to go to heaven,
but nobody wants to die
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just
stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each
other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests
stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a
fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much
about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and
getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing
much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "If we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe
it'll work!?"
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just
stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each
other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests
stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a
fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much
about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and
getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing
much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "If we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe
it'll work!?"
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