How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.


There once was a young man named Sweeney
Who's girl was a terrible meany.
Her snatch had a hatch
With a catch that would latch,
And she could only be screwed by Houdini!

 

[Ron54]

My next life

I want to live my next life backwards:
>
> You start out dead and get that out of the way.
>
> Then you wake up in an assisted living facility feeling better every day.
>
> Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
>
> Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
>
> Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
>
> You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
>
> You get ready for high school: drink alcohol, par ty, and you're
> generally promiscuous.
>
> Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
> have no responsibilities.
>
> then you become a baby, and then...
>
> You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
> spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
>
> You finish off as an or gasm.
>
> I rest my case.

 

[smoothdevil]

Christmas Party Rules:



1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.



2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!



3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.



4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.



5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?



6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.



7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.



8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?



9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.



10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:



"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Holy Shit" what a ride!"



I personally endorse the above........ Have a great holiday season!

 

[smoothdevil]

MOODS OF A WOMAN
================

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk

at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad!


MOODS OF A MAN
================




Horny.

 

[wally2450]

Addiction to cigars

Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible
addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with
his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual
and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars,
unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then
remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the
others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one
it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke
any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks
later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed
to be effective even in the most addictive of cases,
such as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to
transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't
go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up
my ass."



Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2007152781206.gif

 

[wally2450]

EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."





THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

[wally2450]

One morning Tom took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What's this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared
when he shook them out.

"Sherry," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"

She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow"

 

[smoothdevil]

Woman Vs. Cars


When Henry Ford died and went to Heaven, St. Peter greeted him at the Pearly Gates.

After welcoming Ford, St. Peter told him, "Well you've been a good man, and your invention, the automobile assembly line, changed the world. As a reward, you can ask anyone in Heaven any question you want."

Ford thought about it and said, "I want to ask God himself a question."

St. Peter escorted Henry Ford directly to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

Ford asked God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?"

God replied, "What do you mean?"

Well, said Ford, "You have major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters too much at any speed.

3. Maintenance is extremely high.

4. It constantly needs touching up and refinishing.

5. It is out of commission at least 5-6 days out of every
month.

6. The rear end shakes too much.

7. The headlights are usually too small.

8. And fuel consumption is outrageous, just to name a
few."

"Hmmmm", replied God, "hold on a minute."

God went to the Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results.

In no time the computer printed a report. God read it, turned to Ford and said, "My invention may be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

[wally2450]

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"

 

[wally2450]

During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious
about making mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her
several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and
the she would do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is
that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and
best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the
congregation to sing a HYMN. Then we shall get on with the ceremony.
All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen
and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the
bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived
and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself,
"Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn..." or, as it sounded to him,
"I'll alter him!"

 

[wally2450]

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could
have married, and she didn't have to hear about the
way his mother cooked

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2007121018508.gif

 

[wally2450]

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines'
cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of
displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered
out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do
have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir. They're called darts."

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/cartoons_049.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Holiday CXard

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/ATT00001.gif

 

[wally2450]

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for
supper?
A: They put them in the car

 

[wally2450]

Why Dogs Should Be In Politics...

* They work well together.

* They work for the good of the pack.

* They protect their young and their elders.

* They do not kill indiscriminately.

* They do not lie, cheat or steal.

* They won't spend money redecorating the White House.

* They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews.

* Their don't wear designer clothes.

* They don't ask you to indulge in their fantasies.

* They can be NEUTERED!

 

[wally2450]

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, This year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

[wally2450]

"Why do women always want to talk during sex?"
asks Bill. "My wife always says that feels so
good. Does it feel good to you? It feels good
to me. How does it feel to you?"

"Yeah" says Doug, "I know what you mean. My wife
always asks those questions too."

"Well this time I finally gave her some answers.
I said, do you wanna talk, or do you wanna f*ck?
If you'll let me finish, I'll write a report for
you when we're done."

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/xmasorgasm.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like
were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a
true, red-blooded, born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a slippery,
tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful, sultry and
extremely well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept leering at her and could not keep his eyes off
the lady's ample bosom. Finally he leaned forward and said to
her, "Lady, you are magnificent. I'll give you $10 if you will suck
my dick."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, and instantly pulled out his six-
shooter, and drilled the city-slicker right through the heart.

The lady gasped, then smiled demurely at the gentleman and
said, "Why, thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honour!"

Whereupon as the Texan holstered his gun, he said, "Your honour,
hell! No stinkin', crawlin' tenderfoot from back east is gonna double
the price of a woman in Texas!"

 

[wally2450]

Jill: Did you manage to find Janie a date for the
Christmas party?

Mary: Oh, yeah! It was no problem. I just told the
guy that she was like that 10-10-220-phone service
commercial: Easy AND cheap!



KID: "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM: "Yes, dear."

KID: "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"

MOM: "Yes, dear."

KID: "And the stork brings babies?"

MOM: "Why certainly, dear."

KID: "Then what's the old man hanging around for?"

 

[Primalex]

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.

Why did he leave the party?
Because there wasn't mushroom!

Why did the fungus refrain from sex?
Because sex is a pain in the ascus.

 

[wally2450]

A sexy blonde walked into the doctor's waiting room and couldn't find
an empty seat anywhere.

Finally, she walks over to one gentleman that was sitting down, and
said, "I wonder if I might trouble you for your seat. You see; I'm
pregnant."

The gentleman groaned, coming to his feet and offering the lady his
seat.

As the young lady sat down, the man looked her over and said, "You
know, if you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed you were
pregnant.

How far along are you?"

Looking at her watch, she replied, "Oh, about a half an hour!"